Not sad enough?

[dalhana]

Hi,

I am new to this forum. My husband died less than two weeks ago of a brain tumor. We were together more than 35 years and had a very close relationship. He was my only love. I am 54. He died about three months from his diagnosis, but he wasn't quite right for about six months. I was his home caretaker. His degradation was purely physical. He stayed himself until the end. I knew his death was coming, and tried to engage support for my community. My family lives on the other side of the country.

I am doing really well thus far. Our son is still in town and will be leaving in a couple days. I have been taking lots of walks and hanging out with people a lot. 

Is there anyone else who didn't fall apart when the love of their life died? This is very strange. I guess I should just be thankful that I'm doing OK.

[Billie Rae]

dalhana
I too did not fall apart.
My husband left January 16 of pancreatic cancer,3 months and 2 days from diagnosis.
I watched him suffer for those 3 months and yes I'm sad but also relieved that his torment is done.He was a tall vital man until his one and only chemo.
Went from 212 to 81 lbs.
Watching him suffer was worse than his death.
While he was sick we had the chance to really talk about what he wanted for me and he DID NOT want me to hurt and grieve for long.
We did our grieving together our crying together we held each other and said our I love yous and our goodbyes.
His last 4 days all he did was vomit and sleep and cry for it to be over.
I'm sad he is not here but the devastation of his body made me happy he's not in it anymore.I only regret I wasn't there at the moment he left but he had told me to go to work so I went.
We said it all he is no longer hurting.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Welcome here.  You've found a good place.  Can't help you there, I was in shock, anxiety ridden, my friends all did a disappearing act, that didn't help.  My husband had a sudden death so I never expected it, he'd just turned 51 and looked the picture of health, looked like a body builder.

Wow, Billy Rae, that is a lot of weight loss!  You are right, none of us would want them to suffer like that.

[Billie Rae]

Kayc
Yes the last food he ate was breakfast the morning we went for diagnosis.
We had breakfast and went to the clinic,he would try to have something but throw it up so he quit trying.By the time they found the cancer the tumor had been pressing his stomach so he felt full.
It was hard to watch and I lost 40 lbs because I couldn't eat in front of him.
But until the last 2 weeks my guy tried to stay with me he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay.
Hugs

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Sunflower2]

On ‎7‎/‎20‎/‎2019 at 2:58 PM, dalhana said:

Hi,

I am new to this forum. My husband died less than two weeks ago of a brain tumor. We were together more than 35 years and had a very close relationship. He was my only love. I am 54. He died about three months from his diagnosis, but he wasn't quite right for about six months. I was his home caretaker. His degradation was purely physical. He stayed himself until the end. I knew his death was coming, and tried to engage support for my community. My family lives on the other side of the country.

I am doing really well thus far. Our son is still in town and will be leaving in a couple days. I have been taking lots of walks and hanging out with people a lot. 

Is there anyone else who didn't fall apart when the love of their life died? This is very strange. I guess I should just be thankful that I'm doing OK.

Your share again illustrates how each individual processes the loss of a loved one is uniquely different. As I've often stated, the history of the individuals, interdependently and independently, all factor into how we each process our loss. What others experience will not reflect what you or I may experience. This is your personal journey. You will travel it in your way!  That's why "protocol"  for processing grief wasn't my flow.  It was simply a guide when the experience was so initially raw.   xo

Thank you for your share @dalhana Thoughts are with you! 

~Sunflower~

[Sunflower2]

38 minutes ago, Billie Rae said:

my guy tried to stay with me he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay.

Beautiful! 

16 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I only regret I wasn't there at the moment he left

This is what he had wanted and the only way he himself could make his peaceful transition.

[dalhana]

17 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

dalhana
I too did not fall apart.
My husband left January 16 of pancreatic cancer,3 months and 2 days from diagnosis.
I watched him suffer for those 3 months and yes I'm sad but also relieved that his torment is done.He was a tall vital man until his one and only chemo.
Went from 212 to 81 lbs.
Watching him suffer was worse than his death.
While he was sick we had the chance to really talk about what he wanted for me and he DID NOT want me to hurt and grieve for long.
We did our grieving together our crying together we held each other and said our I love yous and our goodbyes.
His last 4 days all he did was vomit and sleep and cry for it to be over.
I'm sad he is not here but the devastation of his body made me happy he's not in it anymore.I only regret I wasn't there at the moment he left but he had told me to go to work so I went.
We said it all he is no longer hurting.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Thank you Billie!

His death was three months and one day from diagnosis of glioblastoma.

I agree that seeing my husband suffer was worse than his death. Before we had his diagnosis, he was in a lot of pain and sleeping all of the time. I would go into a bathroom and cry. Once his brain tumor was diagnosed, he was put on steroids and felt great. I grieved tremendously when we first had the diagnosis, but my husband wasn't afraid of dying and remained extremely grateful for the life he had. Fortunately, he didn't have pain and died peacefully after three months of watching a lot of TV, eating good food and drinking lots of juice, and enjoying life in bed. I did my best to make him happy at the end and in our marriage, so I don't have regrets. 

I, too, sometimes wish that I had been there when he took his final breath, but I also think there's a lot of truth in that some people want to go out on their own. My husband and I were very close, but he also was a very solitary person.

Again, thanks so much for your reassurance. You are wonderful!

Love to you back!

[dalhana]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Welcome here.  You've found a good place.  Can't help you there, I was in shock, anxiety ridden, my friends all did a disappearing act, that didn't help.  My husband had a sudden death so I never expected it, he'd just turned 51 and looked the picture of health, looked like a body builder.

Wow, Billy Rae, that is a lot of weight loss!  You are right, none of us would want them to suffer like that.

My dad died suddenly and my husband died over three months. I do think a sudden death is tougher. I did a lot of worrying about my husband before his diagnosis, and intense grieving when we found out he had glioblastoma. It was a bit frustrating at first, but it ultimately helped a lot that my husband was 100% confident in his decision not to treat it and to try to enjoy every last day. He did, and I had many nice moments over the past three months. I also spent the time trying to mentally prepare for the loss. He was the only man I ever loved, so I thought I'd feel worse now. I am going to try to remain grateful for the beautiful life we had and the potential of good times ahead.

My old friends have been great so far, and I've made some new friends along the way. I have been humbled by others' kindness in my community and in this online community as well.

Thanks so much for your support. 

[dalhana]

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

Your share again illustrates how each individual processes the loss of a loved one is uniquely different. As I've often stated, the history of the individuals, interdependently and independently, all factor into how we each process our loss. What others experience will not reflect what you or I may experience. Nor reflect how I may experience my loss.   This is your personal journey. You will travel it in your way!  That's why "protocol"  for processing grief wasn't my flow.  It was simply a guide when the experience was so initially raw.   xo

Thank you for your share @dalhana Thoughts are with you! 

~Sunflower~

Thank you so much, Sunflower!

I appreciate your thoughts and the beauty of your words. I feel better about myself after reading them.

I, of course, miss my beautiful husband intensely, but I am working hard to get outside, stay busy, and appreciate the good things that life still offers me.

 

 

[Billie Rae]

Thank you so much, Sunflower!
I appreciate your thoughts and the beauty of your words. I feel better about myself after reading them.
I, of course, miss my beautiful husband intensely, but I am working hard to get outside, stay busy, and appreciate the good things that life still offers me.
 
 

My Charlie told me to go on living my best life I'm 57 look 47 and act 27
He said I was such a wonderful wife and kind to all that he didn't want me to withdraw in grief,he made me promise to actively focus on the life I have left and to remember he loved me.
He asked me to keep his ashes with me so he could live through me and"watch"me be happy.
Being able to talk it all out with him and making those promises to him helps me move forward while still keeping him and our life in my soul.
When it starts to hurt to bad I sit and picture him talking to me and how he looked at me and I gather my strength and tell him"okay babe,I'm trying".
Love to all.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Billie Rae]

@Sunflower
Thank you.I wanted to be there but I know what you say is true.
The whole time he was sick I would try to stay home with him but he would get mad and tell me to go to work and let him sleep in peace.
I'm an in home nurse and my client is like a sister to me and my husband was very work oriented and a solitary kind of guy,he really did not want me to sit and watch him
So I guess that's why he wanted me to leave.
Love to you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Fmf]

On 7/20/2019 at 2:58 PM, dalhana said:

Is there anyone else who didn't fall apart when the love of their life died? This is very strange. I guess I should just be thankful that I'm doing OK.

I am so sorry for your loss. As many have said we all go through this process differently. My husband died 3 weeks after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis and my dad died the night before my husband from a stroke.  This was about 6 months ago. People couldn’t fathom how I was and still am doing ok. What I have learned is that we need to do right for ourselves. We don’t need to behave how others expect. Were there times I fell apart of course and there were many long commutes I cried, but I don’t think I ever acted in a manner people thought I should. Don’t question yourself. You will feel how you feel. I am 50 and would have been married 20 years, with two teen daughters. As I tell them, our life continues , the good events are there and we shouldn’t feel bad about enjoying them or life. The title of your post caught my i because I too questioned myself. Prayers and thoughts for you and your family. 

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I just want to agree with other members that there is no right or wrong way to deal with the loss and the grief.  How you feel and react, the things you do, all of it is unique to you.  People we know and society in general will judge us, regardless.  We're "too sad, depressed, and cry too much" or we're "too stoic, seem too content, and aren't grieving enough" and on and on. 

The heck with them.  Please allow yourself to be however you are without hesitation or concern for what others think you should be doing and feeling.  Honestly, I kind of wish I had more times like you're describing.  It's been just over a year for me.  While I do have more moments of light and glimpses of hope, I still see things in bleaker terms and am in the metaphorical dark much of the time.  But that is me, my grief and loss, and is individual to me.  Neither of us is right or wrong because there is no right or wrong in loss and grief.

[dalhana]

On 7/21/2019 at 1:07 PM, Fmf said:

I am so sorry for your loss. As many have said we all go through this process differently. My husband died 3 weeks after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis and my dad died the night before my husband from a stroke.  This was about 6 months ago. People couldn’t fathom how I was and still am doing ok. What I have learned is that we need to do right for ourselves. We don’t need to behave how others expect. Were there times I fell apart of course and there were many long commutes I cried, but I don’t think I ever acted in a manner people thought I should. Don’t question yourself. You will feel how you feel. I am 50 and would have been married 20 years, with two teen daughters. As I tell them, our life continues , the good events are there and we shouldn’t feel bad about enjoying them or life. The title of your post caught my i because I too questioned myself. Prayers and thoughts for you and your family. 

Thank you for your re-assurance. Last night was hard because it was the first night I was ever alone in the house because my son and his girlfriend left. But I made it through another first. 

I need to stop questioning myself. Those are words to live by.

All my best to you and your daughters. You are a brave and kind woman.

[dalhana]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Welcome.  I just want to agree with other members that there is no right or wrong way to deal with the loss and the grief.  How you feel and react, the things you do, all of it is unique to you.  People we know and society in general will judge us, regardless.  We're "too sad, depressed, and cry too much" or we're "too stoic, seem too content, and aren't grieving enough" and on and on. 

The heck with them.  Please allow yourself to be however you are without hesitation or concern for what others think you should be doing and feeling.  Honestly, I kind of wish I had more times like you're describing.  It's been just over a year for me.  While I do have more moments of light and glimpses of hope, I still see things in bleaker terms and am in the metaphorical dark much of the time.  But that is me, my grief and loss, and is individual to me.  Neither of us is right or wrong because there is no right or wrong in loss and grief.

Thank you so much for your beautiful and understanding words. You are such a lovely person to give me support, especially because your experience has been dark. I wish you my deepest condolences on your loss and I'll be hoping you'll have more moments of light and hope in the days and months ahead. Take care.