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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I could not get through this if not for that hope!

Kayc I'm really sorry to hear the news of Arlie. I wish you guys have more time. Feeling sad.

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CaseyArmentrout

Joy,
I feel for you as I am experiencing the same type of loss. There are no words. I am so sorry and I know the pain. I have similar sorrow filled thoughts. Thank you for sharing


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Thank you for expressing your condolences. I  am also sorry your going through the same loss. It's not easy to deal with.

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7 hours ago, CaseyArmentrout said:

Joy,
I feel for you as I am experiencing the same type of loss. There are no words. I am so sorry and I know the pain. I have similar sorrow filled thoughts. Thank you for sharing


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Thank you

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7 hours ago, CaseyArmentrout said:

Joy,
I feel for you as I am experiencing the same type of loss. There are no words. I am so sorry and I know the pain. I have similar sorrow filled thoughts. Thank you for sharing


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

I don't know if you're ready to share what happened but I'm always open to sharing the feelings and discussing anything that will help you get through it. I can mainly share my ups and downs and still not healed but this forum and people here have been very helpful in understanding and advising. Everyone grieved differently and some points of view stand out and help in coping. I'm here if you need to talk about it or vent

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I feel so alone. Three months is in a fews days. I've tried to be strong. And I'm losing hope again. Breaking down again. And missing my baby. 

I feel separated from the world around me. I don't have anyone to share anything with anymore. No one. I can't believe it

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I feel so alone. Three months is in a fews days. I've tried to be strong. And I'm losing hope again. Breaking down again. And missing my baby. 
I feel separated from the world around me. I don't have anyone to share anything with anymore. No one. I can't believe it
Joy,the ups and downs are normal and you are at three months,still raw.
Remember you do have someone,us.
Except for work I'm very isolated right now,his daughter doesn't text or call anymore,my family is far away and my friends are all in Montana or Alaska
Its forcing me to learn who I am alone.
I do make sure to have some positive interaction a few times a week even if it's the grocery clerk or even a random hello on my evening run.
I'm starting to realize that my whole life I have been surrounded by people and perhaps this alone time is good for me to get to know the new me and think about my next chapter.
I know I'm a completely different person than I was on October 14,diagnosis day.
First being his caregiver and protector,the sole provider for us for those three terrible months changed me and of course losing him changed me,so perhaps I must let go of my past me and find new me.
Again,we are here my love.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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You have us.  As Billie Rae said, this changes us.  I've even changed through the cancer journey and subsequent death of my beloved dog.  Loss is hard, grief is hard.  Hence the need for each other.  I felt it this week when unable to get onto this site or post, I can only imagine how those new to this journey were feeling.  So thankful they were able to get a new server, I hope they get the funding needed to pay for it.  This place is a godsend, I love each of you here, you're part of my journey.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

So thankful they were able to get a new server, I hope they get the funding needed to pay for it. 

Me too.  I did my donation immediately when I saw the Go Fund Me.  I've never done that before.  That's how important this site is to me.  I also messaged Kelly that I'd be willing to pay a small yearly dues to keep things going.

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I'm hoping they set up with a Paypal button like my other site, I make monthly reoccurring donations to it without having to do anything.

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On 8/30/2019 at 12:10 PM, KayC said:

You have us.  As Billie Rae said, this changes us.  I've even changed through the cancer journey and subsequent death of my beloved dog.  Loss is hard, grief is hard.  Hence the need for each other.  I felt it this week when unable to get onto this site or post, I can only imagine how those new to this journey were feeling.  So thankful they were able to get a new server, I hope they get the funding needed to pay for it.  This place is a godsend, I love each of you here, you're part of my journey.

I'm glad they got a new server as well. I did donate. But will put more once this Florida hurricane is over. 

This storm has added to my stress. I don't have him here to help me with anything. He was my safety net. No one else compares. It's going to be a long road ahead for me to break down these walls I've put up. I don't trust anyone anymore. 

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And you're right we have each other. I don't think I'll be where I am today mentally if it wasn't for this forum. I don't know how I can repay them . As money can't or replace what connection we've gained through it. It's a blessing and sadness too it. Blessing we have it and sadness we are brought here through grief. 

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16 hours ago, JoyR said:

This storm has added to my stress. I don't have him here to help me with anything. He was my safety net.

It's such a cliche, but please stay safe.  You know that lots of thoughts and prayers are coming your way.  Let us know that you're okay.

And though it's not exactly the same, I know what you mean about not having him there to help prepare for storms and things.  Last winter was a bad one for us in terms of wind and water.  We sure needed the rain, but it was torrential and accompanied by 50-60 mph winds many times.  Our back fence fell partway over one night.  I had to prop it up myself the next morning, get a male neighbor friend to help, and then call our contractor (who really liked my husband and was happy to do the repairs for the cost of materials). 

More than once, I found myself out in the dark with gale force winds and driving rain trying to get huge, heavy pots upright that kept blowing over onto smaller ones.  No matter how I lashed them down or with what, it wasn't enough.  My husband would have done it exactly right the first time (with my help, of course).  There were times I ended up crying and yelling "How could you take him away from me?  What did we do to deserve this?"  Well, at least I couldn't be heard over the storm so no one called the men in their little white coats to take me away.

Sometimes the things that hit you come at you sideways and out of the blue (or dark of night).

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8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There were times I ended up crying and yelling "How could you take him away from me?  What did we do to deserve this?"  Well, at least I couldn't be heard over the storm so no one called the men in their little white coats to take me away.

Sometimes the things that hit you come at you sideways and out of the blue (or dark of night).

Well that's exactly how I feel. He was a strong guy but very sensitive to my feelings. If I cried he'd cry. When I worried he'd fix it. If I needed something done he would do it without question. I saw everyone preparing things with loved ones, shopping, planning. And I was lost. 

Thank God it's missing my county because I couldn't pull myself together I did the bare minimum. And still working through it. If he was here he wouldn't even let me work or be at my job alone through the storm. I used to be so annoyed how attentive and mushy he was. 

I literally used to wonder and call him crazy or think he had a disability and seemed abnormal. Someone so happy to cater to me even when I was mean. But he always found a way to make me laugh and his voice alone was comforting. 

Now I can't stand the voice of most men I hear talk. I hate everything now. I'm turning into a stuck up B"""h.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Praying for everyone on the east coast!!

It's going to miss my area thank goodness. I didn't have the energy to deal with it. I really didn't care the outcome . I have friends with generators and plenty food stocked I did that part but shutters no,water no, gas alittle . 

But I'm okay

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I don't have a generator and am not strong enough to lug one around.  The don't sell the right kind of gas for it here so you run out then what?  And gas gets old so you can't store it long term.  I don't know, I'm just tired, tired of being on my own, it's been so long.  I think the hardest part about the storm we had Feb. 24 on was going through it alone.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

the hardest part about the storm we had Feb. 24 on was going through it alone.

For sure that's the hardest. Being alone. Brings all my emotions back to the forefront. 

I have a back injury so I definitely can't lift much or move like others. He was my muscle. I never had to do anything with him here. I'm a strong woman and will suffer through the pain before I ask for help.  Whenever issues arise I just sleep the day away until time for work . Work, sleep. Sleep/work. No life. Try to go out but my friends are married. The single ones don't want to be around me anymore and I'm annoyed by both now. 

When they say "you can't have your cake And eat it too",  "I'm having ****, feeling like ****,wanting & needing ****, TORMENTED by ****, & grieving **** too.

I'm full of ****! $--t

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I don't have a generator and am not strong enough to lug one around.  The don't sell the right kind of gas for it here so you run out then what?  And gas gets old so you can't store it long term.  I don't know, I'm just tired, tired of being on my own, it's been so long.  I think the hardest part about the storm we had Feb. 24 on was going through it alone.
That storm was awful,here I was in the city and it was to dangerous to even walk.
Being alone in a cold dark house with nothing but a woodstove.No one to talk to or laugh over it.I don't want to go through it again.
I'm a strong tough girl but having Charlie as my muscle and split the hard stuff with for 10 years made life so much easier.
Alone is sad.
Thoughts to all in the path.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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I'm literally annoyed, mentally exhausted, emotionally distraught, hurt,angry,sad,lonely,and suspicious of everyone around me. 

I'm tired of this . Drained! I'm a walking "Fake it til you make it" being. Don't even feel human or whatever I am. Soulless is how I'm feeling. Empty! Doesn't feel real . I'm stuck in a dream and everyone is playing there part just watching me suffer. 

Makes me question why am I here. No matter how hard I try it's useless. So why try. I don't see any reason for hope. So much evil going on. Very little positive things. I'm tired

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If God wants me to suffer this mad I don't know if I look forward to being with him. Seems pointless to wait until I die to see God when he hasn't been here for my while living. How can I be happy before death when my life is continued sadness. I'm over it. Wake up to another day of B's. Day after day. This is inhumane or even give us options to suffer . Crabs in a bucket and no one wins!

Ttyl

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I felt that way somewhat the first year...then I realized God WAS here with me all the time, I was so engulfed in my shock, grief, despair, I couldn't see it!  It's all part of the process, but I felt better once I realized it.  This is just damned hard no matter how you look at it.  I don't know that i can say it "gets better" but we get more used to some of it and better at coping with the rest of it.  You're still in that early phase where it still felt like a nightmare i wanted to wake up from.  Sometimes i still feel that way!

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@JoyR  As Billie Rae had said, 3 months is still very new...your pain still very raw. I couldnt even post until 4 months....but time has a way of helping ease the pain alittle...sometimes so gradual you dont even realize it.   I am glad you are safe with the hurricane but also realize the feeling of not really caring what happens. Can remember feeling that way also. So many of the feeling you have are feelings most of us had or have. And yours being so tramatic would make anyone angry.  I cant imagine how extra hard it makes it.  Thinking of your dear and praying you find some peace. Love and hugs. Jeanne

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On 9/5/2019 at 1:08 AM, JES said:

@JoyR  As Billie Rae had said, 3 months is still very new...your pain still very raw. I couldnt even post until 4 months....but time has a way of helping ease the pain alittle...sometimes so gradual you dont even realize it.   I am glad you are safe with the hurricane but also realize the feeling of not really caring what happens. Can remember feeling that way also. So many of the feeling you have are feelings most of us had or have. And yours being so tramatic would make anyone angry.  I cant imagine how extra hard it makes it.  Thinking of your dear and praying you find some peace. Love and hugs. Jeanne

Thank you Jeanne,

I guess I can't rush the process for me. I'm always hopeful I can deal with this better. For me I have this strong wall up once I walk out the door but when I'm inside and alone that wall comes down. His images haunt me everyday. I could be having a conversation seemingly happy to others but it's like a different person inside me flashing images at the same time. It never goes away. 

Feels similar to having visions that the other person can see and unaware of. I'm speaking one thing but seeing, feeling, hearing another. 

I'm sorry for rambling.  Praying for everyone here and thanks for your prayers also. 

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Joy,I also have that wall,I look and act like I'm okay but no one sees how tired I am(still don't sleep well)or how lonely I am inside.They don't see me come in my apartment and just sit,no energy,no want to.All people see is the old me,smiling and being efficient.I think this may go on for a while.
Maybe I'm doing"fake it till I make it"
Love you all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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On 9/6/2019 at 7:46 PM, Billie Rae said:

Joy,I also have that wall,I look and act like I'm okay but no one sees how tired I am(still don't sleep well)or how lonely I am inside.They don't see me come in my apartment and just sit,no energy,no want to.All people see is the old me,smiling and being efficient.I think this may go on for a while.
Maybe I'm doing"fake it till I make it"
Love you all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Hi Billy, 

Hope all is well with you. As you can see I'm back here. I've tried so hard lately to move pass it all. And I recently had a breakdown in PUBLIC.  

It was at a place we frequented together. All it took was for his friends to bring him up. I was doing fine until then. Then out of nowhere I burst into tears in front of everyone. Some knew why and others were trying to understand. 

I couldn't even hold the tears back. I ended up storming out. It took me an hour to pull myself together after calling and texting for help to drive me home. I had no one. After an hour I was able to see visually and went to work . I haven't slept in 3 days since. 

I'm now grieving heavily. Again!

I've spent my whole pay checks for weeks to take my mind somewhere else. I'm tired,my whole body aches. Retaining water in my ankles, shortness breath. 

I feel super heartbroken. I wish I had alot of money to just go somewhere and be alone. Forever. I don't want to be around anyone .

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Joy,

Glad to see you back, I've been worried about you.  I hope you contact your doctor about the sleep, not good!  This is serious, I got edema bad when George died, these aren't good symptoms, please call the doctor!

Setbacks like this are normal, this is a roller coaster ride and triggers can come out of nowhere.  Sending you hugs1

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Joy-  It's been 15 months and 12 days for me today and I too am having set backs lately.  For a while there, I thought I was doing better.  Then all of a sudden I started feeling really empty inside.  I started thinking, what if we meet in heaven and he's still young and I'm really old?  What if he loves someone else?  What if he doesn't remember being married to me?  Loving me?  It just sent me over the edge.  I don't cry much anymore, I just feel shattered inside. 

I've had several of these and they have eventually passed but I agree with Kay, you need to see a doctor.  Your body seems to be reacting physically to your grief.  The same thing happened to my husband when his dad died.  I had never seen anything like it before and it never happened again.  You need to sleep, to take care of yourself.  What would he tell you if he was sitting there with you?  He would tell you to go to the doctor.  Please go. 

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Setbacks like this are normal, this is a roller coaster ride and triggers can come out of nowhere.

So very true.  We can avoid the things we know will trigger us, like a specific song, movie, or place.  It's the unexpected ones that are so hard. My most recent one was just last night.  I've been putting on various old shows in the background at night for sound and distraction.  Right now I'm on a BBC series called Kavanagh, QC.  It first came out in the late 90s. 

I had forgotten that the main character's wife is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  The last scenes of the episode are so human and so familiar.  He kept saying they'd get another opinion or find a new treatment, and she tells him no that she's done all she can.  He says he can't deal with it and doesn't want to hear it.  She gets angry and says, "Damn it.  This is happening to me.  This is my thing, my cancer.  I'm dying, I'm terrified, but if I can stand it..."   He says, "I don't know what to do."  Her reply: "All you have to do is love me." 

So there I am at midnight, trying to get into sleep mode, and BAM, I lost it.  I could not stop crying.  Had I been in public, I would been a puddle of loudly sobbing tears--and I would not have cared who saw me.

In the next season, he comes back to work and his friends are at a loss of what to say or do.  His partner says something about not wanting to sound trite.  Kavanagh smiles sadly, but with a tiny bit of his old twinkle, and says, "You mean, forgive us our platitudes as we forgive those who cliche against us?"  I had to chuckle a little over that.

I'm sure I found it touching then.  Now it's kind of "Welcome to my world."

10 hours ago, JoyR said:

I've tried so hard lately to move pass it all.

...

I couldn't even hold the tears back. I ended up storming out. It took me an hour to pull myself together after calling and texting for help to drive me home. I had no one. After an hour I was able to see visually and went to work . I haven't slept in 3 days since. 

I'm now grieving heavily. Again!

 

Oh, Joy.  I'm sorry you found yourself spiraling down again.  The thing is that there is no way to avoid it.  None.  There's no shame in not being able to hold back your tears and your grief.

Please, I urge you to try to stop attempting to move past it because that will not work.  In my experience, it will only make the depths feel worse.  We don't move move on or get over it.  But we can and should try to learn to live with our grief, to make it part of our lives as we move forward slowly and carefully.

I'm with Kay that you must see your doctor and get something to help you sleep.  Your mind and body are under so much stress that you may very well end up in the hospital.  Ask yourself if your love would want that for you.  I'm not saying the ridiculous, "He would want you to be happy," but I think he likely would want you to take care of yourself as best you can.

I'm afraid you will continue to have these ups and downs as you go along.  Your grief is still so raw and new.  I'm a little further down the path and have found that my cycles of despair are just a little easier to bear.  I have more moments of hope, though they are sometimes fleeting, and when I'm down in the dark pit, I can often see pinpoints of light to help guide me through it.

I'm glad you came back to talk about what's happening with you right now.  Remember that when you are here, you will never be alone.

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2 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I started thinking, what if we meet in heaven and he's still young and I'm really old?  What if he loves someone else?  What if he doesn't remember being married to me?  Loving me?

I've had those worries too, though my husband was in his early 70s so the "young" part wouldn't apply,  I figure we'll either both be young or we'll both be old.  I add to mine:  What if he hasn't forgiven me for my faults and for not being able to save him?

I talk to my husband every day.  One of the things I sometimes say is "Remember, honey, you are mine and I am yours for always.  I don't want you to be lonely, so find some friends but don't go falling for some cute girl you meet."  I say it teasingly because he never gave me a moment's worry in that regard.  But it makes me realize my own insecurities are alive and well.

Amazing how easily we pile everything on ourselves, isn't it?

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I've been trying all day to get on line, I'm at the coast on a women's retreat and the internet is awful.  So if I disappear, that's why, will be back on next week.

We'll all be a youthful age in heaven from what I've heard, no worries!  Besides we will know each other regardless of what we look like, we'll know by our spirits.

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Thank you all for your replies. I'm getting MRI checked out and going to primary doctor as well. 

I'm sad because I can't change what happened. I don't want to be down mentally. I'm very free spirited. But this has brought out negative emotions. I've developed a dear of dying horribly. Everyday I'm worried how I'm going. Will it be my heart, murder, car accident. IDK. I've lost the will to want more out of life since to me there isn't much to it. No point pursuing anything when I'm going to die with nothing. 

At this point I'm just ok breathing another breath. I don't want new friends, relationship,or anything. I have enough to worry about.

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Joy, I'm glad you're taking care of YOU and want to send you a big hug!  I've missed seeing you here and hope you're doing okay.

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

Joy, I'm glad you're taking care of YOU and want to send you a big hug!  I've missed seeing you here and hope you're doing okay.

Hi Kay,

Ive been trying to hang in there. I can't say I'm well though. I'm having feelings of quilt. I feel like it's all my fault. I definitely should have made him stay inside that night. But I was trying not to complain and spoil fourth of July fun. Now I'm alone!

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Oh Joy, you're not at fault, you could not have known this would happen.  I know I can tell you that but you still feel that way.  In time it should lessen.  Remember, what would you tell a friend who was going through this?  Give that same understanding to yourself.:wub:

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JoyR, 

I feel your frustration and confusion. Trying to understand God and our purpose here on earth is a mystery we may never fully understand.  I have been struggling with my faith also.

You and I may not have had the same faith journey, but I think many people try to make sense of their faith when they suffer a hugh loss. 

This may not make any sense to you, but I have come to believe that these deep bonds of love we experience, that cause us so much suffering when we are tragically parted, is the point of our existence.  We are meant to love deeply, completely, unendingly, and in doing that we are living life "in the image of God".  

I don't know how it works, but I do think somehow your spirit and the spirit of those you love and who love you will be together again in some big cloud of love somewhere.

You know in your heart of hearts that your love for him was a good thing.  Even though the pain of losing him is great, you know you wouldn't have wanted to have never had your time together.  Loving someone and being loved by them in return is the best thing there is.  I think it is a reflection of God's love for the world. 

We - the folks posting here - are experiencing unconditional love. We love our missing partners even after their deaths. 

Peace,

Gail

 

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It's been a little more than a month for me and I'm going through a lot of the same, JoyR. I'm sleeping at least, but I find myself being unsteady on my feet and I have to hold onto things.

I feel hollowed out and guilty, too. (I wasn't there and my baby died alone). I hear all the reassurances from people that I wasn't to blame, but sometimes it doesn't stick.

Sometimes I feel human again, but then I backslide and suddenly I'm numbly wondering why I'm still here at all. 

So you're not alone with anything, right down to your body turning on you.

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Yes, I get going through these feelings, but then we have to work through them too...which is why I said, what would you tell a friend who was going through this...tell that same thing to yourself...it's an exercise that given enough times can make a difference and help you see things in a different light.  Now more than ever we need to be kind to ourselves, understanding.

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I'm far from happy and still grieving. Still bitter, upset,hurt,denial, and secretly hate everyone! Envious and jealous of couples . I've been playing with people emotions knowing deep down I don't care. And I can't take anyone serious. I'm trying to move forward but im just pretending I have. 

I'm always comparing him and things he's done and everything any guys does/doesn't stands out!

I see flaws instead of good things. I'm just going to be alone forever. So many trying to fill his shoes and I hate them for even trying. And it's not there fault. I guess I'm still not ready. 

Every moment we've spent is replayed daily in my mind. As if I'm afraid to forget. I hold on to the sound of his voice and I'm literally obsessed with a dead person. Ridiculous! . 

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Oh trust me, you won't forget.  All of my memories are still here...even if they do feel like a dream.  It's the everyday-ness I miss.  The ordinary moments.  Sleeping together cuddled up.  Talking over our day.  Doing things together.  All of it.  And here I am...alone.  Always alone.  I go places, interact with people, but at the end of the day, I'm home alone.  No one to count on, no one that really cares, you know?  Not like George did.

I hear George's voice in my mind too.  I love his voice.  I remember the first time I heard it.

I finally got used to seeing couples, but I do wonder sometimes, why they got to keep their life and I didn't.  No answer, I know.

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I feel angry and lucky at the same time. 

1. Angry at people who are dating and can't fix their issues and stay together. I'm upset by divorce, breakups, and hearing couple issues. 

Why? Because Id love to have any of those issues and he be alive then nothing!. I feel nobody values each other and I know people can do alot better.

2.Im lucky to have found someone I loved unconditionally and it was reciprocated. I'm grateful since I can truly know what's acceptable and the difference between love and lust. 

3..I'm pissed it's been taken away! Irreplaceable, and way to high standard for me to find better. I feel cursed and cheated out of happiness and fulfilling life.

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Well I'm back everyone.  June 16 was his birthday same day as my son. Horrible day for me. And now I've been extremely depressed and dread July 4th. The day he was murdered. 

I'm grieving all over again along with my own issues not making it better. I feel overwhelmed by everyone around me while pretending I'm happy when I'm not.  

Hopefully you all are happy and coping well. I'm struggling.  I just want to be alone away from everyone and dont have a choice but to deal with people. 

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Hi Joy, I wondered where you went.  Friday was George's death day, it fell on Father's Day 2005 so double whammy today...June 14 was his birthday.  It never ends, does it.

I think we have to ride the waves the rest of our lives.

Friday I got bit badly by a chow I walk, took my mind off everything else for a while!  May have nerve damage, can't use my left hand and my right one was already out of commission with numbness/pain.  Life's not for sissies!

Where are you that you have to deal with people all the time, work?

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

Hi Joy, I wondered where you went.  Friday was George's death day, it fell on Father's Day 2005 so double whammy today...June 14 was his birthday.  It never ends, does it.

I think we have to ride the waves the rest of our lives.

Friday I got bit badly by a chow I walk, took my mind off everything else for a while!  May have nerve damage, can't use my left hand and my right one was already out of commission with numbness/pain.  Life's not for sissies!

Where are you that you have to deal with people all the time, 

Hey @KayC I'm happy you're still around. SO sorry you got bitten. Chows are pretty feisty! Good to know you havent given up on furry babies.  Hand pain can feel like the worse pain ever, and complicates things as well . 

You're right we just have to live with the loss and the reminders. FOREVER.  What a coincidence the similarities we all struggle with here. This is the only place I can find a sense of peace in my crazy little brain. It's so hard to relax and sleep. I've been all over the place lately. And this accident case is a major part of my anxiety. I'm annoyed by everyone. Driver completely denying he hit me and I'm just tired of this mess. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy.  My back/neck still hurts after surgery . But I'm dealing with it. The medication makes me super zombie/ish. I rather drink and go numb then stress over this dam case. 

I will never be able to be as active again. Possibly no more kids. And no partner to help me through all this. I'm feeling depressed. 

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The driver claims no responsibility?  WHAT?!  Any witnesses come forward?  So what does he claim happened, you did this to yourself?  How can one absolve themselves like that, no conscience?  I am so sorry, I hope the courts see it differently!  It's enough you live with the aftermath!  We can hope for karma...

I am so sorry, life sure isn't fair or right, is it!  Sending you virtual hugs!

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On 9/28/2019 at 8:57 AM, KayC said:

We'll all be a youthful age in heaven from what I've heard, no worries!  Besides we will know each other regardless of what we look like, we'll know by our spirits.

I just noticed this again, Kay.  So here's my teasing question:  Do we get to pick our favorite age, at least in terms of body?  I'd actually pick the year immediately before I met my husband.  I was 22 and in absolutely superb shape.  Everything was, um, lifted; no wrinkles; toned from theater and dance; perfect, lowest, healthy weight.  But most of all, I felt better about myself than I had in the past, except when I was 16 and my leftover baby fat moved to where it was supposed to be.  When I met my love the next year, I was still in great shape, but had gained about 7 lb.  Still well within my own normal and really healthy, but I kind of wish he'd been able to see me at my absolute best.  I never did get back to my age 22 self, so I'd choose that, if I get to, when my time comes. 

The thing is that he always loved me and my body, even as I got older and gravity took effect.  Even after I started having health problems and gained 15 lb because of it.  He certainly loved me when I was young and fit, but he loved me equally as the decades went by.  Sometimes I wondered how he could still find me so desirable after 25 or 30 years together.  Yet, I still found him "the one" for me in every way, even as the decades affected him as well.  Funny isn't it how we don't really noticed the subtle and not so subtle changes that happen over time?  I simply only ever saw him, my one-and-only love.

I know exactly how I'd love for him to look:  Just as he did the day I met him.

@JoyR  Sorry, I kind of took that OT and got distracted, but it made me chuckle to wonder about that.

I'm glad you came back to talk to us and check in.

On 6/20/2020 at 1:14 PM, JoyR said:

I'm grieving all over again along with my own issues not making it better. I feel overwhelmed by everyone around me while pretending I'm happy when I'm not.  

Hopefully you all are happy and coping well.

I urge you to not consider it grieving "again," but rather try to realize that you are still grieving with all the twists and turns and u-turns that go along with the journey.

It is exhausting to constantly pretend you're okay or doing better or whatever, isn't it?  It's society's expectation--and our own--for us to put on the "brave face" and "be strong."  Phooey to that!  (Okay, a different word came to mind, but I try to not say or post those kinds of words publicly.)   I finally told a few people close to me that it was making things worse for me and that I might just fall apart in front of them from time to time.  Honestly, they were relieved.  Our dearest male friend, married to our other best friend, sent me a photo of a marquee that has changing sayings.  This one said, "It's okay if you fall apart sometimes.  Tacos fall apart and we still love them."  It made me smile, which was exactly what he intended.  Please let yourself fall apart if you need to do that, even if the only place you feel comfortable doing that is here.  Come and fall apart any time.  You know we will not judge or lecture or try to make things "better."  We will listen, comfort, and help if we can.

I can't say I'm happy.  I know I will never be happy in the way I was before.  But I am not floundering as much as I was before.  I have fewer truly bad days and more bearable ones.  Coping well? I'd have to say that overall, I'm coping better, but I have a really great, small and loyal, support system which is a tremendous grace in my life.  Still, I don't like being around many people and do not do well in any sort of crowd--even before COVID made us distance and look at anyone who sneezed with suspicion.

I'm so sorry that you're struggling more again.  Unfortunately, that's normal and common.

 

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I've heard we'll be a perfect age and get a new body, but beyond that I don't know much, I trust it will suit us for eternity though, that is a whole lot longer than these ones lasted!  

Joking aside, George also loved every little thing about me and would not care about the wrinkles, etc, he would have cherished everything about me, changes and all!

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Hey guys I missed y’all. So today is almost 2 years later. I did meet someone but the similarities are very strange. Same sign with was great I thought but days and years apart The difference. I find myself feeling extreme issues with abandonment , which sends me mentally through roof and back to grief. I can handle seperation and it’s taking a toll on my relationship and of course if anything he does to me feels flaky my I result back to comparing what I went thru last but didn’t go through ever, I find it hard grasping or understanding why we have issues when I just want peace. If my last bf cheated n changed you should no better . I think dealing with someone murdered makes you more worrying and paranoid that it will happen again but when.  This is way to stressful to go through again and I wouldn’t make if thru if I had to repeat a loss of partner. I rather be alone. It’s coming around the birthday month for my loss, son anc current bf and all I feel like is needing to escape because I’m dreading losing them and my emotions are slowly sinking back to grief , panic, stress, anger and annoying feelings. My patience is limited and the wall I built, let down   Moved on from is being triggered to build back up . I can’t trust him And desperately trying. And I don’t think he realize the extent of how this loss affected me emotionally. 
  I’d like to note I’m happy I chose to find love again but lately wondering was I vulnerable or hopeful he could replace my loss and fill all my voids and is it too much. Then it’ll result in be backsliding again to reliving a loss or breakup which also feels like grief to me. Double whammy coming soon!!!! I’ll be back i cant grasp things now. I wish I can skip this month next month and go straight to August.

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