Flashbacks

[ImissMyMommy]

Hi everyone,

I decided to post another entry just to vent about what I'm going through with people who will understand. It will be 5 months since my mother's passing on Sunday. All the years we shared together and all of the good times and fun times, for some reason all I can think about are things that I feel guilty about... things I said that I shouldn't have said, things I should have done for her that I didn't, things I wish I had said to her in those final moments that I didn't. And I keep reliving the awful last breaths. Why can't I get those images out of my mind? I try so hard to re-focus my thoughts on all the happy times we had, the laughs we shared, our inside jokes... but my brain keeps defaulting to those horrible final moments when she left this world. I feel like each day that I open my eyes I'm hoping that what I've been experiencing was just a bad dream, that my mother is alive and well and none of this actually happened. Then it sinks in that this is really my life and my reality and my mother is gone. I can't call her, I can't laugh with her, I can't talk to her, I can't watch tv with her or cook for her... I can't hear her voice... I miss her SO much. I just feel empty inside. Half of my heart is gone and on top of that I am an only child no siblings, no relationship with my biological father, no husband, no children... my mother was my family, my world. 

Thanks for listening...

[nuvar]

hi IMMM,

I can resonate with how you are feeling as we are in somewhat same situation. Only child, have not started family. You are not close to your dad while mine has alzheimers. Perhaps you still remember these but I raised these again to let you know you are not alone.

It's tough. It's almost 1 year for me but bad memories are still fresh.I met with a friend 2 days ago who lost his dad (but his mum still around) due to a fake traditional chinese medicine doctor. He told me time will heal but it takes 2-3 yrs. For him it has been 20 years

I cant also, I sleep very late (4-6am) then wake up at 9am for work. I keep remembering those moments like you and wished I had said more, same like you did. But, I think your mum knows what you had wanted to say. Honor her and her memories. Perhaps speak to a friend, or counsellor if it gets worse.

I try to visit my mum once a week or every few weeks. Im not sure if this helps or makes things worse though

[ImissMyMommy]

Hi Nuvar,

Yes our situations are very similar and it sounds like the way we're processing our loss is similar as well. I have been told by different people that you never really get over the loss of your parent, but with time it becomes more tolerable to deal with it. I am trying to focus on moving forward and doing things to honor my mother, doing things that would make her proud of me, rather than always looking back and dwelling on things that I can't go back and change. But it's hard. It's a daily struggle to not be consumed by guilt. I have been sharing my feelings with a select few friends and have weekly counseling. It helps at the time but gets worse when I'm home alone (or alone anywhere) with my thoughts. 

I have my mother's urn in my home and I talk to her everyday. I will be placing her urn in a memorial niche and will probably visit that at least one a week if not more. It makes me feel close to her but at the same time like you said it may make it worse because it's a constant reminder that she's not physically here. I don't know. I'm just desperate and longing to feel close to her in any way. I pray that you're right and that she knows what I was feeling and wanting to say.. I can't believe I didn't think to tell her those things while she was here. I guess you can never be prepared for such a moment. I just wish I had been more present and not so much in shock by what was happening. 

Thanks for your words of comfort. I hope that we both begin to heal sooner than later.

[nuvar]

20 hours ago, ImissMyMommy said:

Hi Nuvar,

Yes our situations are very similar and it sounds like the way we're processing our loss is similar as well. I have been told by different people that you never really get over the loss of your parent, but with time it becomes more tolerable to deal with it. I am trying to focus on moving forward and doing things to honor my mother, doing things that would make her proud of me, rather than always looking back and dwelling on things that I can't go back and change. But it's hard. It's a daily struggle to not be consumed by guilt. I have been sharing my feelings with a select few friends and have weekly counseling. It helps at the time but gets worse when I'm home alone (or alone anywhere) with my thoughts. 

I have my mother's urn in my home and I talk to her everyday. I will be placing her urn in a memorial niche and will probably visit that at least one a week if not more. It makes me feel close to her but at the same time like you said it may make it worse because it's a constant reminder that she's not physically here. I don't know. I'm just desperate and longing to feel close to her in any way. I pray that you're right and that she knows what I was feeling and wanting to say.. I can't believe I didn't think to tell her those things while she was here. I guess you can never be prepared for such a moment. I just wish I had been more present and not so much in shock by what was happening. 

Thanks for your words of comfort. I hope that we both begin to heal sooner than later.

i just feel it's rly weird. things in life are so random. it seems that we never really know when would be our last day and how we would go.

as u may have read, i feel totally guilty and im being blamed by my relatives. the good thing is i have my dad but he is deteriorating and has incontinence etc. i guess there's good and there's bad (differences in our situations)

i also go for counselling or visit a psychiatrist once in a while. i take medications and supplements to cope.

im very sure she knows u well enough to know what u wanted to say and what u wanted to do for her. to be honest, we all want to say so many things, isnt that so? be it in your case, or mine... whether u had just moments or days or weeks or months. we can never finish with what we want to say

then again, if to put it bluntly, would it matter if it were longer or shorter? it's all suffering and the eventual end, unfortunately is still the same. hindsight is always 20/20. would i want my mum to suffer less instead of the 3 mths? she suffered a lot, compared to many others. sorry if you find this blunt, would u have wanted your mum to suffer longer and hear what u have to say? im sure you wouldnt.

i think again, there's no right or wrong, we cant change or be in control. in the end, we are just human.

im sorry if this hurt you, but im really thinking from a neutral perspective looking at all of this.......... to me sometimes i feel i want to go back in time to change everything. i know you would. i wish we could.......... maybe when it's time it's really time. we are just humans, at the mercy of time... and maybe everything is just random

yes i hope we can all heal and i hope u dont take offence with my words

[mydeepestthoughts]

Hello  IMMM

My condolences on your loss.

Losing your closest connection in life is so sad, when I lost my mother to death, I had siblings that I could depend on to help through the grieving process. But during my alone time I had to keep my focus on what I did when my mom needed me during her sickness, and not dwell on past mistakes or disagreements. Dwelling on negative thoughts can snowball into an endless cycle.

Try to start a day with the goal of limiting one negative thought and replacing it immediately with a positive one. Also the Bible can be a source of strength, by meditating on future promises, like the one found at Revelation 21:4 "And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away."

Developing my Spirituality helped me to cope with the loss of my mother, and to be able to reflect fondly on our relationship,and the great times that we had and to be able to see a future where we can have this once again. 

May you find peace.

[ImissMyMommy]

On 7/20/2019 at 11:23 AM, nuvar said:

i just feel it's rly weird. things in life are so random. it seems that we never really know when would be our last day and how we would go.

as u may have read, i feel totally guilty and im being blamed by my relatives. the good thing is i have my dad but he is deteriorating and has incontinence etc. i guess there's good and there's bad (differences in our situations)

i also go for counselling or visit a psychiatrist once in a while. i take medications and supplements to cope.

im very sure she knows u well enough to know what u wanted to say and what u wanted to do for her. to be honest, we all want to say so many things, isnt that so? be it in your case, or mine... whether u had just moments or days or weeks or months. we can never finish with what we want to say

then again, if to put it bluntly, would it matter if it were longer or shorter? it's all suffering and the eventual end, unfortunately is still the same. hindsight is always 20/20. would i want my mum to suffer less instead of the 3 mths? she suffered a lot, compared to many others. sorry if you find this blunt, would u have wanted your mum to suffer longer and hear what u have to say? im sure you wouldnt.

i think again, there's no right or wrong, we cant change or be in control. in the end, we are just human.

im sorry if this hurt you, but im really thinking from a neutral perspective looking at all of this.......... to me sometimes i feel i want to go back in time to change everything. i know you would. i wish we could.......... maybe when it's time it's really time. we are just humans, at the mercy of time... and maybe everything is just random

yes i hope we can all heal and i hope u dont take offence with my words

nuvar,

 

sorry I had to take a break from this site for a while so I'm delayed at seeing your response. I don't take offense to your words at all. We all have our individual ways of looking at things and unique perspectives. To answer your question, no I absolutely wouldn't want my mother to suffer any longer than she already had. I just wish I had thought to say at the time what I'm wishing I would have said now, after the fact (if that makes sense). But she is in a better place, no longer burdened by such worries. I would have given anything to take her place. Life without her just doesn't seem much like life or living at all. Just going through the motions.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

IMMM

[ImissMyMommy]

On 7/21/2019 at 9:48 AM, mydeepestthoughts said:

Hello  IMMM

My condolences on your loss.

Losing your closest connection in life is so sad, when I lost my mother to death, I had siblings that I could depend on to help through the grieving process. But during my alone time I had to keep my focus on what I did when my mom needed me during her sickness, and not dwell on past mistakes or disagreements. Dwelling on negative thoughts can snowball into an endless cycle.

Try to start a day with the goal of limiting one negative thought and replacing it immediately with a positive one. Also the Bible can be a source of strength, by meditating on future promises, like the one found at Revelation 21:4 "And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away."

Developing my Spirituality helped me to cope with the loss of my mother, and to be able to reflect fondly on our relationship,and the great times that we had and to be able to see a future where we can have this once again. 

May you find peace.

Hello mydeepestthoughts,

Thank you so much for your response. And what a beautiful scripture. I will be sure to refer back to that one during my times of need. I am trying to work on strengthening my spirituality. Honestly right now I'm still in a very weird place, 7 months after the loss of my mother I am still feeling a mixture of bitterness, sadness and yet I know my faith gives me some sense of peace that my mother is in heaven and resting in peace, no longer sick or suffering. But selfishly I miss her with my whole heart and just long to talk to her, see her, touch her, hear her voice, hear her laugh, see her smile... It physically hurts how much I miss my best friend. 

I think it's the finality of it, the cruel reality that she is gone. Not on vacation, not in the hospital, not temporarily out of reach, but truly gone that I still can't wrap my head or heart around. Each morning it still seems like a bad dream. 

Thank you for your kind words.

IMMM

[mydeepestthoughts]

That note was my pleasure..we hate to have to reach out to each other about theses types of things, but unfortunately it is a fact of this life that we are living.

I can understand the feeling of finality that we feel when we think about our dead loved ones..but really is it final? When Jesus was on the earth by the miracles that he performed he showed us that death is not the end of it all.

Please Read John 5:28,29 "Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice  29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life..."

Jesus promised that he would bring our dead loved ones back to life... "Can this really happen?" Getting solid Bible based answers to that question will not take away our pain of losing our loved ones..but it will give us hope for the future, and will bring us a measure of hope and peace of mind.

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/dead-live-again-tract/dead-live-again/#?insight[search_id]=72d0192d-523f-4391-b27b-9769d05e37c8&insight[search_result_index]=1

.

[ImissMyMommy]

On 9/26/2019 at 10:05 AM, Valerie Lockhart said:

Hello,

I totally understand your guilty feelings. I often feel guilty about not making my mother eat the night before she was hospitalized. She wasn't diabetic but her sugar levels dropped so low that it made her unresponsive. I watched her take her last breath and it still bothers me two years later. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night calling for her. The one thing that brings me comfort is prayer and trust in God's promise to rid us of pain and death. My mom was a firm believer in God's promise of a resurrection on a paradise earth. I imagine seeing her walking in a garden with my grandparents telling me to come to them. Because it's impossible for God to lie, I know I will  see her again. Be strong and trust in  God. You will be able to tell your mother all the  things you didn't say. Read Revelation 21:3,4 and Isaiah 25:8 for reassurance.

Valerie,

I know what you mean and I have had similar feelings of just longing for my mother, reaching for the phone to call her. I just want to lay on her and feel her pat my cheek and talk to her about everything the way I always used to. Thank you for the scriptures. I know I will see my mother again also and that does give me some peace.

I hope that things get easier for you as time goes by...

IMMM