Literally want to die

[broken duck]

My cat  of 11 years was run over by a car Saturday night. I didn't know. I was out for hours searching for him and I checked a lost pets FB group the next day and read that he was hit by a car right around the corner from my house. A neighbour I didn't know comforted him while he passed. I'm so sad. I hate that he died and I hate that he died without me. 

I feel so lonely. I'm literally missing him. I keep looking for him out the window even though I know he's gone. I've lost my mind. I came home from work at lunch today and I just wept.  I wept after work. I never weep. It's like a primal voice inside me I didnt know existed. I can't control it. I feel crazy and alone with sadness. 

And I feel so fucking guilty. If only I didn't let him out or if I called him sooner. And I keep reliving it all the things I shouldn't have done. It was my job to protect him. I don't want to feel this way because i can't control it. I was diagnosed with PTSD 4 years ago and I've worked very hard to get stronger and better. But now I am just overcome with sad emotions I can't cope with. I don't want to die but I don't want to feel this and I don't want to be without him in my life.  

My cat was a sweet, innocent and trusting soul. But he had attitude too, ya know. He would growl at cats that came anywhere near the house. He was obsessed with the neighbours cats and would try to get at them through their screen window. He was hopeless at it. But he thought he was tough. He made me laugh. He was a badass but mostly just a love.

I found him alone in a park, in a ghetto when he was barely 5 weeks old. I was his mom. This cat also drove me insane. He would howl and scratch the door to get into my room to sleep at night and then wake at 5 to do the same to get out. If I slept too late he would scream til I got up. If he didn't like his dinner or wanted more he would sit and slam the cupboard door 'til I fixed things. If I forgot to clean his litter box he would pee beside the toilet to send me a message. He was really terrible. I used to yell that he was going to get a one way ticket to the shelter soon. 

And now I would do anything to go back in time. I miss everything about him. And I can't bear the idea that he is alone and I can't protect him anymore. And my other pets, I just...I dunno are they ok? 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, broken duck said:

I don't want to feel this and I don't want to be without him in my life.

I know of nothing more painful to go through than the loss of someone we love, and you love your cat very much, it's a huge loss.  Learning to do life without them is very hard...my dog is dying of cancer, bit by bit, it's spread throughout, I feel very helpless watching him become less energetic, knowing the disease is winning the battle he bravely carries.  I have no idea how I'm to live without him.  I only know we get no choice, no one asks us if we can do this, no one asks us how we feel about it, it just happens.  I lost my soul mate and best friend, my sweet husband and partner, 14 years ago.  That was the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  I imagine this will be similar.

What you are going through, feeling guilty...that's a part of grief.  Most of us feel regret and guilt in grief...it needn't have any real basis, even those who haven't earned it feel that way.  One thing I know about guilt is, it has a place in our lives and that place is to teach us something we need to change...once that is done, guilt has no more place with us, it's done it's job, we've learned whatever lesson it came to teach...if we let it continue to hang around, it is no longer guilt speaking to us but shame.  Shame does us no good, it's good to send it packing.  But all of this is a process, of of this realization, dealing with it, it's a hard arduous process.  Sometimes we need grief counseling, someone to guide us through the maze of grief, someone to point things out to us on our journey, an article to read, words we need to hear or be reminded of.  And every one of us, our journey is unique, just as our relationships and love are unique.

You've been everything to this cat, had him all his life, took care of him.  You say you wish you hadn't let him out, but then you say he would scream until you did his bidding...Honey, you couldn't have stopped this cat from going out it doesn't sound like!  My last two cats had been on their own before coming to me, they demanded being both inside and outside, and would not take no for an answer!  One of them died, likely at the whims of a cougar...I miss her still.  It's been over three years.  We do eventually get used to their being gone...to a point, but we still love and miss them, that part never goes away.

12 hours ago, broken duck said:

And now I would do anything to go back in time

That is the wish of us all...all of us grieving, we feel this way because we want a different outcome, if only we had that option.
I hope you will read these articles, I've found them very helpful:
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

I am so sorry for your loss, for your pain, for that empty hole inside of you that says how much you miss him.  (((hugs)))

 

 

[broken duck]

Thank you KayC. I'm very sorry to hear your husband passed away. I haven't experienced anything like that. And I'm so sorry your dog is now sick and you have to go through what you're now going through as well. It must be incredibly hard and I just can't imagine how brave you are. 

Reading about the feelings of guilt helped me gain some perspective. I don't want to get caught up focusing on his death and forget his life. We had 11 years together and he was a content and trusting little soul. It's hard to think he died so violently and I wasn't with him to comfort him. But I believe he knows he was very well-loved. I think part of the pain comes from thinking he is alone now. He's never been alone. This makes me sad.

I have two other pets - another cat and a dog. It's funny cos I never realized how quiet these two are before. My little girl cat doesn't seem to know how to meow - she rarely does and when she does it's the tiniest mew sound. And my dog who is a rottie cross barks outside occasionally when a dog walks by but rarely in the house. My cat Diesel, who passed, talked all the time. He greeted me every morning with loud cries and when I came home from work and whenever I entered a room he was in. God forbid the cats ever ran out of kibble - he would let me know as soon as the bowl got low. My little girl is not demanding that way and I told her she has to learn to talk cos there is no one to speak for her now. I realized this morning that I was always talking out loud back to Diesel - whether it be telling him to shut up or singing to him in response to his endless screams. He was my muse and he made the house fill with chatter and banter - while the other two participated in their own quieter ways. 

I don't know what animals know or feel. I'm keeping my eye on them to make sure they are ok. My dog was whimpering in her sleep last night and it broke my heart that she may be grieving too. She and Diesel were very tight. My other cat is just sleeping a lot and she hasn't asked to go outside once since Saturday, which is not like her. I guess we're all feeling empty right now in a way. It's so quiet and his absence is so loud. 

It's nice to be able to just vent here. It's hard to talk about how much you loved your pet to people - esp cause I can't talk about it without breaking down. I might just make some rambling posts here to remember my cat. 

How old is your dog? I saw pictures and he is so beautiful. I guess whether it's a long goodbye or a sudden goodbye it doesn't matter cos it's goodbye and it just sucks. I'm very sorry for what you're going through. <3

 

 

[KayC]

Here's an article about grieving pets.  When my husband died, my Lucky (Dalmatian/Whippet), who was always so well trained and obedient, acted out. I remarked to my daughter, "I can't imagine what's gotten in to her!"  She said, "She's grieving."  I was so lost in my own grief fog I failed to see Lucky's grief.  I'm glad she pointed it out to me, I began to give her more love and attention and it helped her.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

My dog is 11 1/2.  I don't know that he can make it to 12 (Valentine's Day) but each day I have with him is a gift.  I do not want him to suffer.

I don't think when our dogs or cats go to the Rainbow Bridge, that they are or feel alone.  I was talking to Arlie about Heaven the other day, telling him that when he dies, that's where he'll be, I told him it's like a dog park...he was listening intently, he reached up and gave me a thoughtful kiss.  I knew he understood.  I love him more than life.

I lost Miss Mocha (cat) 6/3/16, she was like your other cat, very quiet dainty little meow.  So feminine, loving.  My Kitty is loud, demanding, to the point of being annoying with it!  Whenever I wake up, albeit midnight or 4 am, she demands I feed her RIGHT NOW!  She does not cuddle, is not a lap cat, very demanding and wants HER way and rules the roost with Arlie.  I've seen him walk all the way around the house to avoid having to go past Kitty, LOL!  She had a very hard life before I got her, never went to a vet, abandoned countless times, left to fend her way for herself, so I guess that plays into her demanding-ness.  It's amazing that she's lived to 24, I never dreamed I'd have her this long.

They are all unique, that is for sure!  My Arlie es very quiet, he does the Husky talk, is very tonal, and I know what his language means.  He has a guard dog bark, if a workman or someone comes that he doesn't think should be there, he'll scare the begeebees out of them!  But other than that, he's very quiet.  He doesn't bark at dogs going by.

It really does help to express yourself to others that get it, so vent away!  We're here to listen and care and we understand.

I know it's hard losing someone, be it a person or a pet...especially if they're part of our family/household.  I wrote this article about ten years after my husband died, of the things that I'd found helpful.  The biggest being one day at a time, also finding a grief forum.  I eventually started a grief support group locally as we had none.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[AJWCat]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my cat very suddenly (not by a car, he got violently sick from ingesting something) after having him 10 years. It was absolutely devastating. I feel like if my heart could have actually broken, it would have. This cat was like our child. So I know what you are going through. I also had a ton of guilt because, whatever he ate, we still don't know, was something I should have controlled. 

I hope you are doing okay - be patient with your grief. It's less than a week and still very raw. We are all different in our process, but it could take you a while - not to "get over" him but to finally reach a place of peace and acceptance and forgiveness - which by the way, you must do for yourself. You gave him a loving home and did all you could for him - this accident was not your fault. Again, my heart goes out to you.  

[yenwd]

So sorry for your loss. My pet passed away a month ago, I still feel the agitation and pain inside my heart whenever I think of her. But the pain's lessened a bit by now. I try to think it's life, there's always something out of our control. I hope you will find comfort writing about your feelings here. And yes, cats need to be kept indoor for their own safety.

[broken duck]

On 7/20/2019 at 11:20 AM, AJWCat said:

I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my cat very suddenly (not by a car, he got violently sick from ingesting something) after having him 10 years. It was absolutely devastating. I feel like if my heart could have actually broken, it would have. This cat was like our child. So I know what you are going through. I also had a ton of guilt because, whatever he ate, we still don't know, was something I should have controlled. 

I hope you are doing okay - be patient with your grief. It's less than a week and still very raw. We are all different in our process, but it could take you a while - not to "get over" him but to finally reach a place of peace and acceptance and forgiveness - which by the way, you must do for yourself. You gave him a loving home and did all you could for him - this accident was not your fault. Again, my heart goes out to you.  

Thank you. I am very sorry for your loss too! For what it's worth, I don't think what your cat ate was your fault. We just can't control everything and it sucks so much. <3

[broken duck]

On 7/26/2019 at 7:42 PM, yenwd said:

So sorry for your loss. My pet passed away a month ago, I still feel the agitation and pain inside my heart whenever I think of her. But the pain's lessened a bit by now. I try to think it's life, there's always something out of our control. I hope you will find comfort writing about your feelings here. And yes, cats need to be kept indoor for their own safety.

Thank you for the reply. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I hate that when I think of my cat I feel so much sadness now. I now with time it will change but...

[broken duck]

I'm feeling so sad today. I think it's been building since i had a break and went on a short vacation. I still have this feeling that he is going to come home. I guess I haven't fully accepted what happened. I had a dream he was alive last night. It felt so good to see his face again. I still have so much guilt and I just...really miss my little boy. The house still feels so quiet. It seems surreal somehow. And if I am honest I feel really lost now and I don't know why...

Right now it hurts almost as much as the beginning of this ordeal. 

[KayC]

broken duck,

I am right there with you...I had to have my Arlie put to sleep Friday and it's killing me, but I couldn't let him suffer (cancer) any more.  My heart is literally broken in two.  He is buried in my back yard, I can look out the patio door and see the spot where his sweet body lays.  My house is so empty, no Arlie to take care of, he's not there to greet me or be a watchdog when someone comes.  He's not there to go on walks with me or get my last bite of food.  I miss him more than I can bear!  I lost my husband 14 years ago and this feels just like that did, minus the anxiety...the light just went out of my world, he's been my sole companion for all these years, I don't know how to live without him.  I miss my crazy wild-eyed, funny sweet dog!

I don't know how long this takes to sink in, how long before the triggers stop, how long before we get used to this, do we ever get used to it?  I've been through grief, so much of it, it's part of me, my life, you wouldn't think I'd have any more questions, but oh God the pain is hard to live through!

[broken duck]

KayC, I'm so heartbroken for you right now. I read about Arlie this morning and I teared up. I tried to write a reply but my home computer is messed up. I'm tearing up now at work thinking of you and what you are feeling. I hope it gives you some comfort to have his resting place nearby. I have no answers to give about grief. I don't understand it. I don't know why it levels some of us so hard.I suppose it's about the depths of love that some people feel. There's something about animals too, I think... 

The way they rely on us but also the way they trust and forgive us over and over. The way they are just silently and loyaly there, never judging us the way we judge ourselves. My pets don't care how expensive the couch or the car is, what my hair looks like or the terrible things I said. They're just happy to be with me and there's no pressure to be more than i am. My pets have always been better creatures than me.

But right now all I think is, you were the best mom to Arlie. You gave him a loving home for his whole life and a best friend he could count on. That is what he knew - thanks to you. What a great life he had. And when it was time to go you helped him go. You sacrificed your heart and set him free. That's one of the hardest things ever. What an incredible gift you gave him. Arlie was lucky to have you. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you made his world good. You were his sole-companion too. I bet you two will find each other again someway and somehow. I hope it works like that.

I dunno... but I'm thinking of you today. (((hugs)))  

 

[AJWCat]

Sorry @broken duck it is still very new. There is no timetable on grief. But I remember the first couple months - after the first few horrible days - still being incredibly hard. In waves. And weird things trigger it like going away and returning. Or a holiday or something. I understand feeling lost. Felt exactly the same.  

[KayC]

broken duck,

I hope you read those articles on guilt I gave you...I'm glad your neighbor was compassionate and there for your cat in his transition moments.  I know he never doubted your love for him, his focus was on getting through that moment.  Whether due to accident, illness, or euthanasia, they are making their peace with this world and focusing on entering what is next for them.  Our hearts go with them on their journey.  I keep seeing my beloved Arlie's sweet face as he "went to sleep", oh my God, the hardest thing in the world for me to let him do!  I did not want to let him go, but neither did I want to see him suffering, laying on the floor, looking so sad...never in his life had he looked so sad, he was an incredibly happy dog.  I despise cancer!

I know the experts recommend not letting cats outside, I've had 14 cats in my lifetime and my Kitty is 25 now...she'd been on her own so many times in her lifetime, she would never accept not being allowed outside...I've struck a balance with her, I let her out in the daytime but never at night...I know it's a risk her going outside, a cougar could be lurking, and yet once they've tasted that freedom and enjoyed the sun on their back or hunting, it is very hard to contain them.  Your kitty met with death yet it could have just as easily been mine...I''ve had it happen a couple of times, to Chappy, to Miss Mocha, and it's heartbreaking.  Please don't blame yourself.  You gave him what he wanted, you loved him, you honored his wishes.  Who is to say what is right, we do our best, we love them.

[JoyR]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can truly understand the good and bad behavior that you miss about them. I lost my Treasure few years ago and it still hurts today. 

Contrary to the name "Treasure" was a boy. I found him as a baby stray and he wouldn't stop following me. My weakness is animals so of course I took him in. he was black n white like my girl cat Onyx. It wasn't until he grew bigger that I realized she was a he. And u know the rest. 

Treasure was extremely lovable,loved cuddling but had some internal issues some deformity. But he was the most sweetest cat I've ever met. We connected. Onyx was pure evil until she had babies. Long story short , I know the feeling of loss and you remember the purrs, body rubs and kneeding. Well mine did that alot. He would sleep right on my neck or back. It was extremely hard for me to get closer to other pets because he was my baby. He passed and I felt I'll afterwards. I pray you feel better soon. They are so unique in character and personality all their own. I think as far as the other pets they sense he's missing but will be ok.

 

[broken duck]

On 8/30/2019 at 4:25 AM, JoyR said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can truly understand the good and bad behavior that you miss about them. I lost my Treasure few years ago and it still hurts today. 

Contrary to the name "Treasure" was a boy. I found him as a baby stray and he wouldn't stop following me. My weakness is animals so of course I took him in. he was black n white like my girl cat Onyx. It wasn't until he grew bigger that I realized she was a he. And u know the rest. 

Treasure was extremely lovable,loved cuddling but had some internal issues some deformity. But he was the most sweetest cat I've ever met. We connected. Onyx was pure evil until she had babies. Long story short , I know the feeling of loss and you remember the purrs, body rubs and kneeding. Well mine did that alot. He would sleep right on my neck or back. It was extremely hard for me to get closer to other pets because he was my baby. He passed and I felt I'll afterwards. I pray you feel better soon. They are so unique in character and personality all their own. I think as far as the other pets they sense he's missing but will be ok.

 

Sorry for the loss of your baby.  And thank you for your kind words. Somedays I just live like normal but there is a shadow of sadness lurking and sometimes I feel so desperately sad. I just miss him a lot. I just want to hiold my cat. He was so innocent. Like a winnie the pooh character. Just sweet and gentle. 

I had some trouble with the animal control that has had his body. I wanted him cremated and it's taken me 2 months to get his ashes. They finally called me back. I wonder if I will even get his ashes but I dont want to think about it too much. I just need him home with me as it is in some way. It just adds to the feeling I failed him. Animals are the only the thing I have been able to love safely in my life so it's very hard. 

I like this song...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGF7PswOENQ

 

[KayC]

I would think it'd be comforting also to have his ashes with you, I was going to have my Arlie cremated but my son talked me into burying him in our backyard.  I may have my ashes buried in his grave when the time comes...my husband's ashes are scattered nearby and I have other pets also buried there.  It's all so hard.

Wishing you some comfort and peace as I also am going through this horrible trauma of trying to get through this.  It was August 16th for us.

[broken duck]

On 8/30/2019 at 4:25 AM, JoyR said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can truly understand the good and bad behavior that you miss about them. I lost my Treasure few years ago and it still hurts today. 

Contrary to the name "Treasure" was a boy. I found him as a baby stray and he wouldn't stop following me. My weakness is animals so of course I took him in. he was black n white like my girl cat Onyx. It wasn't until he grew bigger that I realized she was a he. And u know the rest. 

Treasure was extremely lovable,loved cuddling but had some internal issues some deformity. But he was the most sweetest cat I've ever met. We connected. Onyx was pure evil until she had babies. Long story short , I know the feeling of loss and you remember the purrs, body rubs and kneeding. Well mine did that alot. He would sleep right on my neck or back. It was extremely hard for me to get closer to other pets because he was my baby. He passed and I felt I'll afterwards. I pray you feel better soon. They are so unique in character and personality all their own. I think as far as the other pets they sense he's missing but will be ok.

 

Thanks for you thoughts, Joy. It helps. I'm sorry you lost your Treasure too.  What a great name. They kneed their way into your heart and they just stay there. I love my other pets so much but i just miss my Diesel. It's not the same without him. My girl cat is so clingy since he passed. It makes my heart hurt. I guess we are all just missing him. Take care. <3