It has been a week today.

[Nightshadeisis]

41 years old. Heart attack. I am still struggling with how this happened.

 

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[KayC]

OMG, and I thought my husband died too soon!  Mine had just had his 51st birthday five days before, the birthday banners still up.  That was 14 years ago, Father's Day 6/19/05.  I had no idea how to do this, luckily I stumbled across a grief forum and it saved me, literally.  I hope you'll keep coming here, post as you feel ready.  This is a good place to pour your heart out and it helps to know you're heard and understood.  When did this happen?  Can you tell us about him?  When you're ready...

I wrote this a few years ago of what I'd found helpful, I hope it will be helpful to you too on your journey.  Our journeys are unique but also have some similarities, enough we can relate to and understand each other.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Nightshadeisis]

Thank you for that. I will reread that regularly.
Jay...if you want to understand him, mix Leo from Charmed, Felicity from Arrow, and Duncan from Highlander. Patient. Family oriented. Romantic. Stubborn. Type B personality.
He was never afraid to hold my hand. Never for jealous because he knew whom I was coming home to. We were both geeks. Gamers, fandom oriented. Devoted to our faith and to our family.

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[mydeepestthoughts]

I am so sorry to hear about the tragic lost of your Husband. He was so young for such a sad thing to Happen.
I wanted to share with you a spiritual thought that can help you deal with this tragedy. It is a well known scripture found at John 3:16- For God loved the world so much that he gave his only-begotten Son, so that everyone exercising faith in him might not be destroyed but have everlasting life.
That scripture is filled with hope for all of us who have lost dear loved ones. It promises life again to our dear loved ones. If we had the power we would all do away with the sad experience of seeing loved ones grow old, get sick or die suddenly. Our creator  feels the same way.
So the natural question is why does God allow sickness, suffering and death.

Please take a moment to get the answers to those questions, and may you fine peace.

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/know-truth-tract/know-the-truth/

[Nightshadeisis]

I appreciate that. More than you know.

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[JoyR]

On 7/15/2019 at 9:03 PM, Nightshadeisis said:

 

41 years old. Heart attack. I am still struggling with how this happened.

 

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I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know the correct words to comfort you but I understand your feelings and hope you find peace . 

[Andy]

I’m so sorry for the loss you have experienced and for the days ahead.

 

My wife was 42. It was a sudden and unexpected end to a life that deserved so much more. Questions without answers and nights without days was what I was left with. Life crumbled and I stood in the ruins of what was a past, present and future. I too struggled, and to this day (going on 4 years) I still find myself questioning the cruel fate that my wife suffered. However, as time moved and as I grew closer towards acceptance, I began to let go of my need for answers. For me, it simply didn’t matter. Nothing I would ever learn or regardless of any epiphanies I stumbled across, she was not coming back. The passing of those we love seldom make sense on an emotional level, sometimes escaping our logic, yet we want to know. Why? Why them? How could this happen? For myself it was attempting to regain control of a world that I’d lost, to put order in this chaos. My dear Tracie was gone and I didn’t now why. I still don’t, but that’s okay. What I know is that I loved her and will continue to do so. We lived a life (24+ years) and it was full of love, sorrow, disappointment, bliss and commitment of the highest order. I’m a better person for our life together, and I suspect many on here feel the same. So hold that close to your heart, that no matter the confusion, the unjust nature of this loss, the unfairness of it all, that the love and joy that you shared is, in the end, all that really matters.

 

I hope in the days and nights to come you find rest and some semblance of peace. Something I learned early on is that sometimes “being strong” isn’t an option. And that’s perfectly fine. It’s okay to be weak. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a supreme effort. And sometimes, that’s enough. Take care of yourself and know that you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Felicity indeed!

 

Love and hugs,

Andy

 

 

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[Chester]

They never left us,    they became the forever companions in our hearts.