Does it get better?

[Sadie9303]

December 10th 2017, I met my forever. He lived on Oklahoma I lived in Kansas. He came to Kansas every weekend while they were tear filled goodbyes little did I know they were only the easiest goodbyes. He bought me the sweetest dog to make the weeks a little better while he was gone. August 2018, he made the move to Kansas enrolled in an electrical apprenticeship and was supposed to start school in August 2019. We talked about our wedding, having babies, even buying a house.. April 25th 2019 the day my life turned upside down. He leaves for work at 6:30am he left like it was any normal day our goodbye kisses and have a good day, little did I know it would be the last one forever. At about 7:30am my brother called and asked if I had talked to Randy since he left for work I said no, why? My brother didn’t want to tell me so he said I just tried calling him and he didn’t answer, I knew something was up. My brother told me he drove by a car accident on the highway and it looked like it might have been his car but it was so damaged he couldn’t tell, turns out it was his car. He was life watched to a local hospital where he would spend 5 days fighting for his life. The longest five days of my entire life. Not being able to talk to him, kiss him, hold his hand or even crawl in bed and cuddle with him one last time. April 30th at 2:15pm I sat by his bed side and held his hand as he took his final breaths. Since that day my life feels like nothing but a nightmare. His family has been nothing but amazing. They tell me it’s okay to move on he would want you to be happy, but I’m all honesty he was my happy. I feel completely lost in this crazy life. 

[KayC]

I am struck by how hard this is, your pain, as you saw all your hopes and dreams disappear, life forever changed in an instant.

You ask if it gets any better...better as in well, as in like before...no.  Better as in you learn to cope, to adjust to the changes it means for your life...yes.  It hasn't been quite three months yet, it's all still so fresh, so raw.  When it happened to me, I didn't know where to start, how to do this.  It was a forum such as this that saved me.  Learning that all my feelings were normal, that there were others going through this, others who'd made their way through this, it helped to know I wasn't alone in how I was feeling.

I wrote this at about ten years out, the things I'd found helpful, I hope you'll save it and read it every few months because this is a process, an ever evolving journey, what will leap out at you right now may be totally different than what strikes you a few months from now.  And I hope you'll continue coming here, reading, and posting.  We want to be here for you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[widower2]

On 7/15/2019 at 8:37 PM, Sadie9303 said:

 They tell me it’s okay to move on he would want you to be happy

Well that's just too bad because obviously you aren't happy to put it mildly and that makes perfect sense.  It will take time, considerable time, to deal with this and regroup, never mind "be happy."  I know they mean well but it simply enrages me when someone gives someone else this frankly idiotic advice. 

As much as we wish it wasn't, it is OK and even necessary to not be happy, to be sad, terribly sad, to cry, to mourn, to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and work through this damned path of grief in your own way.  DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL.  They are completely clueless.  That is for you and you alone to know and figure out as you climb your way through and out of that hole, gradually, over time.

I am so sorry for your loss and wish you the best and speediest and least painful recovery possible. 

 

 

[widower2]

PS:  to answer your question.........yes, it gets better. But it takes a lot of time and effort. And you will never be the same and never stop missing that person. The good news is that that's OK, that doesn't mean you will be forever miserable either, and you don't have to be the same to be happy one day. 

[foreverhis]

Just over 1 year into my own journey, I feel like it's not a matter of better, but of not feeling constant and unrelenting pain every minute.  Things are different, though I miss him no less today than I did a year ago and don't expect that to ever change.  He was my "better half" and my everything.  He was an imperfect man who was perfect for me and who is my soul mate.  I know I will not feel whole or home until my time comes and we are together again. What keeps me going now is the hope that he is waiting for me with open arms and an open heart.

I have more moments of light and appreciate the small circle of family and friends who are trying to sustain me through the life I'm living now.  But I still cry every day.  I still miss him every minute, sometimes internally and sometimes right on the surface.

I do not believe this is something we get over, ever.  But I am finding that living is more tolerable and I am learning to grasp the moments of happiness when they come.  Perhaps and hopefully there will be more glimmers of light on this dark path as I go along.

[KayC]

foreverhis,

Very aptly put, you described exactly what I feel.

[JES]

I am at 10 months tommorow and though it has been a hard journey, I can also say it does get better. I still miss my husband and think of him many times a day but the deep pain has lessened. I am able to think of the good memories more and not the memories of him sick and in pain. I think it happens so gradual that we dont really notice as its happening but one day you just notice its gotten alittle easier.  I have had to be more independent and that was very hard for me. I am still learning but it has also changed me in some better ways.  I can cope better now and my mind is clearer most days. I am so sad for all of the new people on the site....and all of us. It changes our life forever...but we do learn to adjust and accept as time goes on.  Thinking of you all and sending hope for the future. Jeanne

[JES]

I need to correct..10 months the 28th.  My mind still has hard time remembering what day it is.

[Billie Rae]

Jes,yes.I'm on 6 and a half months and can now drive by houses being built without sobbing and can talk about him without total breakdown.
The worst now is the silence in my home at night.
One thing I'm learning is how to live alone and I'm actually getting to know myself.
Love to all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@Billie Rae  So glad that it is getting alittle better for you.  I am also adapting to being alone..and getting to know myself better. I have been lax on coming on forum...summer and family has kept me so busy that I usually crash at night. Have made it to cottage a couple times now( always bring others with me) but its really where I still miss him the most, find myself last one to bed and the memories hit hard when alone.  I hope the silence gets better for you. I still like having background noise. Thinking of you. Love and hugs. Jeanne

[KayC]

It's good to hear you're adjusting, and encouraging for newer ones as well.  I've been living alone for 14 years now except my son used to come home on college breaks but it's been eight years since he did that.  My neighbors mentioned me talking to my dog, they would too if they were alone all the time!  I do get out and around people most days for a while but always have most of my time alone.  I don't turn the t.v. on until evening so it's quiet here, esp. living in the mountains/country setting.

[JoyR]

On 7/15/2019 at 8:37 PM, Sadie9303 said:

. Since that day my life feels like nothing but a nightmare. His family has been nothing but amazing. They tell me it’s okay to move on he would want you to be happy, but I’m all honesty he was my happy. I feel completely lost in this crazy life. 

I'm very sorry for the loss of your loved one. From things you mentioned he meant alot to you Bs you both were happy and planning a future together. It's very traumatic to be used to a routine , good morning kisses, dinners,and cuddles at night with intimate conversation to just one day end abruptly.

I know this feeling all too well. Remember all the good moments and from personal experience with loss it's very hard to not think about the serious accident replaying in your head because you never expected this to happen to someone so dear to you. But put him in a happy place close to your heart. 

I struggle to say the right words of encouragement because we all grieve differently. But I can definitely relate to your loss because it was traumatic loss . Very hard to except and you feel alone and lost. Be blessed dear. Take it a day at a time. My boyfriend was murdered 3wks ago I'm still grasping how cope. This forum and all of us on here can relate. 

[JES]

Athough I can say it has gotten better... I feel Ive lost some of my memory thru this all.  @KayC  Wondered if you ever felt this way...even have hard time remembering important things.  I have been thinking Kevin passed on Sept. 28 for last month or so. I knew it didnt sound right...I actually had to look at death certificate to verify...it was the 23rd of Sept....how could I forget that date?  I find myself writing everything down and second guessing myself. I know it sounds trivial..but are we ever able to get our full memory back?  Or is it just an age thing and Im more aware of it now?  My prayers for all. Jeanne

[KayC]

It gradually gets better but oh Lord it takes time!  Read here: 
https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
 

[Billie Rae]

Athough I can say it has gotten better... I feel Ive lost some of my memory thru this all.  [mention=405375]KayC[/mention]  Wondered if you ever felt this way...even have hard time remembering important things.  I have been thinking Kevin passed on Sept. 28 for last month or so. I knew it didnt sound right...I actually had to look at death certificate to verify...it was the 23rd of Sept....how could I forget that date?  I find myself writing everything down and second guessing myself. I know it sounds trivial..but are we ever able to get our full memory back?  Or is it just an age thing and Im more aware of it now?  My prayers for all. Jeanne

Goodness,me also,my memory and sense of time are shot!I have post it's all over the place.
I can be in the store and forget why.
And the brain fog oh boy

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

Thanks Kay and Billie Rae..I guess the memory stuff is normal for our situation.  Think the mind has been stressed to the limit and may need more time to heal...the brain fog is much better now but little stresses can put me back there quick.  Love and hugs. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

Thanks Kay and Billie Rae..I guess the memory stuff is normal for our situation.  Think the mind has been stressed to the limit and may need more time to heal...the brain fog is much better now but little stresses can put me back there quick.  Love and hugs. Jeanne

That and occasional inertia,if I'm not at work I just can't get energy to do anything.
I find whole weekends gone by.
I must get a second job to keep moving.
Love you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@Billie Rae Some of the energy comes back, little by little... I have my days I do too much, then Im wore out. I find its ok to have lazy days,  and do nothing...we all need a break!  Love and hugs. Jeanne