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Dealing with the anger


krenaud454

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I lost the love of my life on the 20th of June to pancreatic cancer and I can't seem to stop being angry at him.  I know its not really his fault but I'm so lost and alone without him.  We only had 15 short years and his diagnosis came only six weeks before I lost him so am struggling every day just to get out of bed. Every time I think of him I think of all the things I will no longer have.  No one to hug me every day and tell me he loves me.  All I can do is binge watch stupid television programs so I don't have to think about him not being here.

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I lost the love of my life on the 20th of June to pancreatic cancer and I can't seem to stop being angry at him.  I know its not really his fault but I'm so lost and alone without him.  We only had 15 short years and his diagnosis came only six weeks before I lost him so am struggling every day just to get out of bed. Every time I think of him I think of all the things I will no longer have.  No one to hug me every day and tell me he loves me.  All I can do is binge watch stupid television programs so I don't have to think about him not being here.
I lost my husband on January 16 to pancreatic cancer.
I was so angry at him,even while I knew it wasn't his fault.
Then came the guilt that I couldn't save him.
I think we have these feelings to protect us from this horrible shock.
My husband suffered so much,at 6 feet 3 at the end he was 82 lbs.
At 6 months in tomorrow,I'm still angry at the doctors,the chemo was what made him suffer so bad
But I'm also grateful that he is no longer in pain.
I miss him and am lonely without him.
You will have a lot to go through but stay here this site has saved my sanity.
We don't judge because we are all in this journey together.
Go ahead and be angry
Go ahead and scream or throw a tantrum
Whatever you feel is valid,this is your grief.
My love to you.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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14 hours ago, krenaud454 said:

I lost the love of my life on the 20th of June to pancreatic cancer and I can't seem to stop being angry at him.  I know its not really his fault but I'm so lost and alone without him.  We only had 15 short years and his diagnosis came only six weeks before I lost him so am struggling every day just to get out of bed. Every time I think of him I think of all the things I will no longer have.  No one to hug me every day and tell me he loves me.  All I can do is binge watch stupid television programs so I don't have to think about him not being here.

I lost my husband 6/19/05, Father's Day, to a heart attack.  He was in the hospital and they threw me off the ward while they were trying to save him.  Now, 14 years later, i'm losing my companion dog to cancer.  I feel like, "Can't you leave me ANYTHING?!!

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's not something anyone can understand what's it's like unless they've been there.  It's okay to feel angry, it doesn't have to make sense, it's like trying to make sense of something nonsensical.  We get it.  all of those emotions and more.

I wrote this at about ten years out, what I'd found helpful...what will strike you now will be different things a few months from now, so I hope you'll save it and revisit it later.  Right now it's probably hard to even think...I had grief fog (also known as grief brain) for a long time, it's hard to think with clarity because grief kidnaps your soul and makes toast of your life.The most helpful thing I was told was to take a day at a time...break that down into an hour, a minute, whatever you can handle.  Any more is too much.

We want to be here for you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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It’s such a hard place to be in. My husband was killed in a car accident, the other driver fell asleep. I was pregnant at the time with our first child. There are days where I am so angry that I feel like I can’t function like a normal human being. 

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On 7/15/2019 at 4:18 PM, krenaud454 said:

I lost the love of my life on the 20th of June to pancreatic cancer and I can't seem to stop being angry at him.  I know its not really his fault but I'm so lost and alone without him.  We only had 15 short years and his diagnosis came only six weeks before I lost him so am struggling every day just to get out of bed. Every time I think of him I think of all the things I will no longer have.  No one to hug me every day and tell me he loves me.  All I can do is binge watch stupid television programs so I don't have to think about him not being here.

I, too, lost my one love (on July 9). We were together for 35 years, so I am thankful we had that time together. I miss the hugs and the assurances of love. I think I miss the physical contact the most, actually.

I felt anger when he was first diagnosed with a brain tumor and he chose no treatment. I was completely lost and alone in the early days. I felt so ripped off and it was so unfair.

Watching stupid TV is fine and feeling angry makes total sense. Do whatever you can to get through this crappy time. I take a lot of walks because the fresh air and movement always make me feel better. (I live in Alaska so it's comfortable here right now.) I've done some jigsaw puzzles and coloring in those silly adult coloring books to try to stay busy.

This forum is good. You are not alone. I am so sorry for your loss. Wish I could give you a hug. 

Hope today is ok.

 

 

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