spouse The Loss of a partner

[CameronP2000]

Hi everyone, 

my partner died 5 days ago. When He passed he was asleep next to me, he was 21 and I am 19. The day he passed away he was completely normal and laughing and goofing around like he always did, nothing was suspicious. Just a normal Thursday (4th July) we went to his family’s for the 4th and we had a lovely cookout. We watched the fireworks at the lake with his family and then we made the drive home, when we got home we went straight to bed as we where both exhausted. When I woke up in the morning I did all my usual things. I left him to sleep in as we got home late, I got breakfast and made coffee, when I tried waking him for breakfast he wasn’t responding. I tried waking him up for 5 minutes and got no response, I went quiet and still to see if he was breathing and I waited anxiously for his stomach to go up and down which it didn’t, I froze up and panicked. I ran for my phone and called for help. When the paramedics came they rushed into the bedroom and started connecting things to his body to check for a pulse. There want one it was too late, he was pronounced dead by the paramedics at 10:20am. The most hardest thing I have ever done was to tell his parents that their son has died, the sounds of their hearts breaking as I’m giving them the dreaded news. It’s killing me to write this out as I’m reliving it in my mind. That exact moment when it dawned on me that something was horribly wrong. It kills me the thought that I couldn’t help him when he needed me the most. I went on his phone today, all of his unread notifications that he never got to see. The lock screen of us both looking so happy and excited when we went to NYC, his group chat messages with all of his friends, his Snapchat notifications everything. In a strange way going on his phone makes me feel like he’s still there, going through the pictures that he took, all his random selfies, our selfies, photos of his family and friends, random things that he took photos of. He always said it’s better to take pictures of everything cause that means you have something to look back on and laugh about. I still think he’s making jokes while watching the tv, dancing to nightmare by Halsey while cleaning the kitchen, 

Laughing at Our mini arguments when building Ikea flat pack furniture about that screw goes there instead of here. All the silly small things you miss and want back so desperately. I’d give anything to go back to that night and make sure it did not happen, I just want it to be a bad dream and I can wake up and go back to my happy life where I have a man that loves and adores me. 

I feel a little bit better I got all of this out today and put it all here, hopefully over time this pain will subside.

[Billie Rae]

Cameronp2000
I'm so sorry you find yourself here it's a place no one should have to come to but I'm glad you found us.
My heart breaks for you to lose love so young.
I lost my guy in January so I get it,We all get it
All of us here have lost our love.We all grieve differently but you will see a lot of similarities.
You are only 5 days in so it's still very raw,try to care for yourself as you will need strength to go through this pain.
Eat well if you can and hydrate as it's easy to forget these things when you have a broken heart.
I hope you can lean on his family,it sounds as if you are close.
Come here to talk,read rant and share your memories of him.
This place saved me
A big warm hug my dear

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[chincube]

@CameronP2000 I'm very sorry... everything must make no sense to you now...

Eat when you can, even it's small bites. If you can't stomach whole meals, have someone prepare finger food and eat a little throughout the day. And like Billie Rae said, stay hydrated, with all the tears we shed we can forget easily that we can become dehydrated.

We are here to listen if you want to talk.

[KayC]

My heart breaks for you, so young to be going through this, so unfair!  I thought I was young when I went through it, 52, we didn't get to grow old together, that was the plan!

Five days in I was deep in a robotic fog, everything felt surreal, this couldn't be happening!  It's a nightmare I'll wake up from!

14 years later, I still love and miss him each and every day, there is no one like him.  I've adjusted as much as one can adjust, I've had to cope with everything on my own, I don't know how I've gotten through this except one day at a time, or as another person puts it, one foot in front of the other.

We will be here for you, it does help to express yourself with people who get it.

I wrote this, what has helped me, I know it's too early to assimilate much of anything, but maybe print it out and read it later when you're ready...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.