It's 1 year today

[foreverhis]

Well, my friends, I wasn't sure how today would hit me.  I actually did okay with a couple of other special days like our "just us" anniversary last November and my birthday 1 month after he died.  I was still so numb then that I don't think everything really registered.  I have been lucky to have a small, loyal support system.  But they've mostly gone back to their lives as usual, as they should.  It's not that they care any less, but they're not the ones living with this loss day after day.

I woke up after some very strange dreams.  The part I remember I was standing on the edge of a river and needed to swim across with someone (maybe my husband) to find a disk of some sort.  The river kept getting wider and more dangerous--sharks, orcas, and some sort of stinging ocean creature in a river.  It was bizarre, but seemed logical during the dream.  And what I had to capture was hidden in something else.  A few close friends were there, but it's all hazy.  I hadn't slept well, waking repeatedly all night, and was very unsettled when I finally got out of bed--after 10 am!

I've cried a lot so far, but feel kind of numb again.  It's as if my subconscious mind knows I will completely and utterly lose it if I don't close off some of my pain today.  All I can think about is how much I miss him and how I still feel I let him down.  I can't get certain images out of my head today.  So I started to write another letter to him in my "letters to my love" file.  The words are swirling around, but I can't seem to express how I feel.  I've got a pretty bad case of brain fog right now.

I haven't experienced the nausea and inability to eat that many have.  Although I've had to force myself to eat at times, I not only haven't lost the weight I gained while he was fighting his cancer, I think I gained a few more.  I generally eat well, but not excessively, so I've been pretty darn frustrated with it.  My doctors say it's due in large part to stress, which will likely resolve somewhat over time, and grief, which will be with me always.  I was surprised this morning when I looked at my usual very healthy, flavorful breakfast and felt absolutely sick to my stomach.  I had to eat, so I did, but it took a long time and it's not settling well.  Nothing feels like "me," not even my body.  Everything seems disjointed and wrong.

Our daughter has already texted me several times and we will talk tonight when she gets home from work.  One of my friends, who lives across the street and one house down, has asked me to come over for a little while to snuggle with her wonderful dog and cat.  I know she won't push or hover, but will just be there if I want to talk or need to cry.  She's the one who "just had to" casually stop by for a minute on Valentine's day with some local honey she'd told me about the week before. She's one of the most sensitive, caring people I know.  She and her husband know loss and grief because they lost their daughter many years ago.  Still, today will mostly just be me trying to get through it without losing my grip on sanity completely.

I didn't know what to expect, but I guess that's kind of the point of grief.  We can't know what will happen or how we will react until we're in the midst of it.

To my dearest husband, my soul mate, best friend, lover, and fellow adventurer:  I miss you as much today as I did a year ago.  I always will.  I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.  I am proud to say I am your wife.  One of the happiest days of my life was the day I changed my name to yours.  I hope you have forgiven me my faults and foibles.  Rest lightly, my love, and watch over us.  When it's my time, I pray you will be waiting for me with an open heart and open arms.  Thank you for being mine as I am yours, now and forever.

[Billie Rae]

Oh Foreverhis,my soul is with you sweet one.Please take it gently on yourself these next few days as this anniversary must make it all very raw again.
I'm happy you have a good support system,it helps us to lean in some.
Feel my arms around you.
I love you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Oh foreverhis, I wish I'd seen this earlier!  I'm glad you had someone to be with.  I remember my one year anv of death, we don't know how/what to do with it, it certainly isn't a celebration, it's reminder of the worst day of our lives.  It's gotten a little easier as the years have gone by.  But I do remember thinking I deserved a badge or something for making it through the years of firsts without, sometimes I wasn't so sure I'd make it.  It's hard to believe time can pass when to us it's like we were emotionally arrested on that day and nothing moved forward since.  We got through the funeral, paperwork, somehow survived on half the income, but sometimes we feel stuck too.  The day he died became the point at which everything in life is now "before" or "after" that point, it's the defining point.  Or is it?  It seems to me the true defining moments were the moments we met, got to know each other, shared in life together!  And those I'll never lose memories of, they are part of me...part of you, all of us here.

Sending you big hugs, you're in my thoughts.

[Heart&Soul]

On 7/9/2019 at 1:28 PM, foreverhis said:

To my dearest husband, my soul mate, best friend, lover, and fellow adventurer:  I miss you as much today as I did a year ago.  I always will.  I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.  I am proud to say I am your wife.  One of the happiest days of my life was the day I changed my name to yours.  I hope you have forgiven me my faults and foibles.  Rest lightly, my love, and watch over us.  When it's my time, I pray you will be waiting for me with an open heart and open arms.  Thank you for being mine as I am yours, now and forever.

This brought tears to my eyes - take care of yourself and big hugs.

[Brazil Man]

On 7/9/2019 at 5:28 PM, foreverhis said:

I miss you as much today as I did a year ago.

For me it is a little more than 13 months since my beloved wife passed away and I love her the same way as the day she passed away or even more.

Feels like it was yesterday. I am very sorry that you lost your husband and my heart goes out to you.

Moises

 

       

[Sunflower2]

21 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

To my dearest husband, my soul mate, best friend, lover, and fellow adventurer:  I miss you as much today as I did a year ago.  I always will.  I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.  I am proud to say I am your wife.  One of the happiest days of my life was the day I changed my name to yours.  I hope you have forgiven me my faults and foibles.  Rest lightly, my love, and watch over us.

@foreverhis so beautiful!!!! so touching!!! so everything!!!!  Thank you!

~Sunflower~

[Moment2moment]

I am thinking of you during this time. I have always gained so much from reading your posts.

They have brought me great comfort during really rough phases of my grief journey.

I pray that you find joy and comfort in the memories of the good times you shared with him.

He is with you always, watching over you with constant love.

Be at peace-

Lily Bell

[foreverhis]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and comfort.  It has been a pretty horrible week, but with moments of light. 

I haven't watched the show 800 Words because I know the premise is that a family moves to New Zealand because their wife and mom was killed.  It happened to be on after something I was watching last night, so I just left it on.  Here's the interesting part.  He spent a good portion of the episode talking to his wife.  She was "there" for him to see, as TV shows often do, but he wasn't delusional or anything.  What struck me was when someone asked who he was talking to and he just said outright that he was talking to his wife, that he talks to her often in his mind, but isn't ashamed that he does it out loud.  All I could think was, "Well, of course he does.  We all do."  It's one of those things that you can't fully "get" until it's you doing the talking.

Today after I finish my "there's always more" paperwork, I'm going to go play with a friend's puppy.  There's something so pure about pet love.  They don't care about anything but giving you comfort and making you feel better with no judgment and no hidden agenda.  They're just there as big or little balls of love.  

I wish for all of us to have bits of light and moments of peace.  I don't think I can ask for more than that until I am with my love again.

[KayC]

Enjoy playing with the puppy...I hope it gives you some moments of light.  I talk to George all the time in my mind and often out loud too.  I'm sorry you had a horrid week. 

 

[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis,I'm sorry the week was awful,
The puppy should put a smile.
I talk to Charlie every day and still say goodnight at bedtime.(hardly any sleep still)
Please feel my hug and love.
Billie

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