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The Fire; 2000+ Days After


yoshi

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Good day to any and all that read this! I hope you are well :) my apologies in advance, but this is a little lengthy.

Approximately 5 years & 7 months, or 2056 days ago, my partner, soul mate, & love of my life tragically passed away in a fire that ignited & spread far to quickly in our basement apartment. She was in bed sleeping at the time and I stepped outside to have a cigarette (the only entrance/exit to the basement was a set of concrete steps in the backyard. The inside access was closed over by the property owner, illegally). Within minutes I heard the faint sound of a smoke detector, then the other tenants running outside yelling fire. I immediately ran back down the stairs to open the basement door (there was then a narrow hallway, about 20' long to our apartment door). When I opened up the first outer basement door, I was blasted with smoke & heat, which dropped me to the ground. I looked forward and all I could see was a blazing fire engulfing our apartment door.

I ran around to the bedroom window and was yelling for her; she was responding. I told her to get the fire extinguisher that we had placed in our bedroom, and use it to get out. She told me it wasn't working. I then tried to rip the bars off the basement window with one of the other tenants from upstairs, but to no avail as it was bolted to the brick. I ran back around to the front door to see again if I could get in, but all I saw was a blazing fire and smoke through the narrow hallway. I screamed repeatedly for her to just run. I ran back around to our bedroom window and yelled frantically for her, but at this point, there was no response. This all happened within minutes.

The fire crew showed up I believe less than 5 minutes after the alarm had sounded. They ran up to the front of the house and entered. I was standing in the alley at the side, by the window, screaming to them that my partner is in the basement and the only access is from the back. They apparently never heard me. After about 2 or 3 minutes of them running around the house trying to enter where the fire was, someone grabbed me from the alley, and pulled me to the other side of the street across from the front of the house.

Someone handed me a phone and asked if there was anyone I could call. Surprisingly I actually knew my brother's cell number off hand, and his partner was my partner's best friend (that is how we met). I called my brother, and all I could say was there was a fire and she was still inside. Him and his gf left right away. I hung up the phone, and just collapsed to the ground, crying, shaking, and paralyzed.

I watched as a firefighter brought her out from around back, and in that moment, I could see she was gone. She was unresponsive when they found her, but were able to get her vitals back. She crashed 2 or 3 more times on the way to the hospital. She was then transferred to another hospital, and admitted into the burn ward ICU. 5 days later she was taken off life support and passed away. Some of her organs were donated and saved I believe 4 lives.

This was the first real death I had experienced in life. One of the first people who I was closed to, to pass away. Obviously, that was not an easy first to handle.

The main trouble that I still deal with, and why I am finally after all this time asking for advice, is the massive weight of guilt I feel. She was a truly phenomenal human, beloved by everyone that even walked by her. I feel that I am partially, though accidentally, responsible for the world losing this incredible person.

Mainly what I am trying to figure out now, is if that feeling will every go away, or if it is actually heal-able. I recently started therapy to treat the PTSD from this fire, but after several sessions I am really unsure I am actually dealing with PTSD. I think more than anything I am just dealing with a lot of complicated grief. But anytime I do research, or talk to counselors or therapists, everything is clinical and they say if you do this, and for this long, things should be better! But I just don't think I'm actually dealing with what they believe I am. More than anything, I just miss this incredible human so much, and I don't believe that will ever go away.

So I now sit here trying to determine if it's worth the money to see a therapist to end up still feeling the way that I am. I don't think grief can be healed nor will it ever entirely go away.

I just want to know from people, or hear from people, that yes in fact those feelings will probably always be there. Feeling of guilt, responsibility, grief, and sorrow for everyone for this loss. I think more than anything I need to learn how to just healthily manage those feelings so I don't have crippling days, day after day. Or maybe the therapy really will help, even if I can't see it yet. But I think ultimately I do have a good outlook on all of it, and it's not like I live my life blaming myself daily. But it does come up in my mind, just less frequently as time goes on. I'm just really, really tired of feeling bummed.

Any words, advice, assistance, or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I am also very open about all of this, and very non judgmental. So please, if you have any questions or need clarification, please do not hesitate to ask!

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Billie Rae

I can't give advice as I am new to this,coming up on six months.
I can however offer support.
What a horrible thing to witness and the trauma must be intense my heart breaks for what you are going through.
Long grief is not uncommon and I think as long as you are able to care for yourself day by day it's okay.There is no timeline on grief it shows how deep your love is.
And the guilt?I feel so guilty,not saving my husband(slow 3 month death of pancreatic cancer)not being at the hospital more or when he passed,not being able to overdose him a month before when he begged me to end his suffering and for telling him he was a bad husband(before he was diagnosed,never said it after)guilt for letting the little things bother me and for living.
Guilt is a part of this pain.
If therapy hasn't helped either you haven't found the right one or it's not right for you,for me not so much.
This site is what has brought me relief and support.
The love and understanding of these people who are going through the same as me is my lifeline.
May you find one moments peace and a heartfelt hug
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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My fiance' passed away a week and a day ago..I wish I had some advice but I can't hardly remember the days of the week. June 29, 2019 at 1:08am is all I can seem to remember...I'm sorry..

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16 hours ago, yoshi said:

I don't think grief can be healed nor will it ever entirely go away.

I think it can be treated, with the right professional, but no, it never entirely goes away.  The guilt should be able to be dealt with because you aren't responsible for her death, I know you probably realize this on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level is where it hits.  And emotion doesn't always have to do with reason or facts.  Our emotions are there to deal with and it's rough.  My heart really goes out to you.  If anyone is responsible, it would be the landlord, they have these law for good reason, she should have had a way out.  I'm so sorry.

From here on out the only thing I can see is making her life count, taking with you all that you learned from her, how you are a better person for having had her in your life, in that way honoring and remembering her.  A good counselor should be able to help you with this.  If you haven't met one that is getting the results you desire, I hope you'll keep looking, sometimes it can take trying several but a good one is worth their weight in gold.  I did art therapy, it helped me see where I was before, where I was then, where I wanted to be, it gave me a visual of what I was wanting to work through.  

You must feel exhausted from the weight of this.  Finding a forum like this one really helped me, it let me know I wasn't alone in my feelings, that grief is normal in a life that feels anything but, if that makes sense.

Scroll down to MartyT here: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/11486-are-we-all-suffering-from-pgd/page/3/

To be quite honest, I think men have a really hard time with feeling responsible for their loved ones' death...they seem themselves in role of protector so they feel they failed.  But there are some things we can't protect from, we all have our limitations.  

 

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23 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I can't give advice as I am new to this,coming up on six months.

Do you mind if I give a little?

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@Telly2018, I am so sorry to hear. I hope you have a good support circle around you right now. Remembering and desiring the essentials like water, food, and sleep, can become very difficult. I was very lucky to have family and friends constantly around, and without having to work for the first 8 or so weeks; I think that helped a lot. I do still feel it wasn't long enough though. I can give you a little advice if you'd like? Or if you have any questions, I'd be more than happy to offer my opinion.

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

If anyone is responsible, it would be the landlord, they have these law for good reason, she should have had a way out.  I'm so sorry.

I want to comment more on other things you've mentioned, but this was an interesting point that I wanted to elaborate on.
The landlord was criminally convicted for several offences. He didn't have to serve any jail time, but he had massive charges and fines, and is on probation. He can also no longer own or manage rental property and so on. My late partner's parents also have taken him to court, which I became a party in when the landlord's defense took a third party claim against me. The trial still has not happened, and keep getting postponed, but I have been removed from the action! I still have to appear in court as a witness though.

I know that above all I am not responsible, but there are so many small contributing factors, it's so hard for those thoughts to not invade.I have just always tried to accept that I will always on some level feel that guilt, but that doesn't mean I still can't forgive myself, and move on happily.

I do agree and I try to honour her as much as I can. I do also have some guilt tied to that though as for years I've just been depressed and basically sleep, work,  eat and watch tv, then sleep. So I feel like I'm just wasting the life that I have, when I should be doing so much more because she wanted to do so many things! I have finally started to become more motivated lately to do things and not just watch tv, so that's a bit of a relief!

I do feel a lot of weight, which is why I am finally hear to seek some support! I've started learning that clearly I cannot do this on my own, and no one I know really understands what I'm dealing with. A lot of my friends were her friend, so on some level, they understand, but no one else was there when it happened. I can also see how men might take it a little harder due to the whole protective role idea, I definitely know I felt that for a while. But I also believe women would feel that as well. In a partnership, both will feel responsible to protect the other on some level; well I sure hope so anyways!

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Thank you Yoshi. Eating, sleeping are alnist challenging ...it feels like I'm walking in a fog...lost is what I feel...

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You are right.  I had no idea my husband had heart trouble, until that fateful weekend he died...I had encouraged him to see another doctor because he felt his complaints weren't taken seriously, but he hadn't acted on my suggestions and then it was all too late.  We do wish we could hit an undo button and go back and do things differently to result in a different outcome.  I think that's true for most of us.

You have found a good place to express yourself and know that you are heard and understood.  

I wrote this article at about ten years out, the things I'd found helpful, everyone is not the same so what helps one may not another, but I think the biggest thing that helped me was taking a day at a time...I try to do that still.  (It's been 14 years Father's Day, June 19).

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Telly, it's very interesting that you mention "walking in a fog".I have experienced this for a very long time, and up until recently I had no real idea what it was, or if I even was in fact feeling something out of the ordinary. After the fire though, the sensation just exploded into a 24/7 routine. I felt very robotic, like I was just on auto pilot running through my days. I loved routine because I could work off muscle memory alone without really having to focus 100% on everything I was doing. I found myself very distracted, disconnected, and just not myself. Even family and friends had commented, to show concern and comfort I might add, that I was here, and I'm still Josh, but there is just something missing that used to be there, or that they know I am still there, but I'm just not completely there right now. For years I felt this huge disconnect with everything, everyone, and myself.

Then, I learned about depersonalization/derealization or DPDR for short. I learned that it mostly is a defense mechanism our mind uses when we are in a flight, fight, or freeze response. Our mind, when faced with a traumatic event, will disassociate as to cause less damage to the person. They say for example a bear attack; you don't want to actually live that horrific event, so the brain just disassociates to make things easier. This then can become difficult to reverse when the traumatic event is something like grief or ptsd, where the symptoms can last a long time. I really do suggest doing more research if this at all sounds familiar to what you might be experiencing. I really wish I had known about it sooner.

I find one of the best things that has helped so far is to just talk about things out loud with people. Ask if you can talk about it, and if they invite you and are there to listen, then just talk about it, anything you feel, questions even if there are no answers. Just to say thing out loud sometimes helps to realize it's not true, or toxic thinking. For me, it just made it more real, and I started to feel more in touch with reality again. This has all happened only recently though, over about that last 2 months, so I've still had many days in there where I feel the fog.

Everything you feel right now is worth being heard!

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KayC, I think it's kind of you to be on this forum offering support 14 year after everything happened. I'm sorry for your loss, and sure it was not easy on you having some guilt attached. I can definitely relate to that. I do appreciate now having somewhere that I can express things and talk to other's who have had similar experiences. I read the article you wrote and I will definitely try to put some of those to action, some I'm already doing :)

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BillieRae, the main thing I would say as something I wish I had done much, much sooner is to keep talking about things. For myself, I found that after a couple months I felt I was supposed to be better so I started telling people I was fine and okay and things were going well. I started saying it so much that I started believing it. More and more I was convincing myself and everyone I knew that I was good. It took me years, a couple panic attacks, and countless random inside struggles with normal daily routine to finally admit that no, I am not alright, and yes, I do need to talk about things. I have found that just simply talking about things, and bringing Alisha up helps me to stay grounded and helps me to work through things rather then just hide it. I really wish that I had kept talking about things from the beginning, and never stopped, and seeked support groups. It's been a long boring 5.5 years.

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Yoshi,I try to talk about it but people seem to get uncomfortable and seek escape so this forum is where I come
I talk to him a lot.My brain is just now catching up because the first few months I had so much to do just to survive that I was perpetually busy.
I do think that because Charlie and I were able to grieve together and talk about what he wanted for me it gives me focus.
Its the loneliness in the evenings that gets me.Our family is not close and he was shy and people made him uncomfortable so now it's just me and Netflix.
But I'm learning how to be alone.
Thank you for your insite it helps.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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7 hours ago, yoshi said:

I find one of the best things that has helped so far is to just talk about things out loud with people. Ask if you can talk about it, and if they invite you and are there to listen, then just talk about it, anything you feel, questions even if there are no answers. Just to say thing out loud sometimes helps to realize it's not true, or toxic thinking. For me, it just made it more real, and I started to feel more in touch with reality again. This has all happened only recently though, over about that last 2 months, so I've still had many days in there where I feel the fog.

Talking did help a lot, and I started talking about my boyfriend all the time since he died. At the first weeks people would thought not to talk about it, and strangest would be they want to change the subject every time I started talking about my boyfriend. But I didn't have the energy to protest. However people has to understand that when someone that important existed one day, and died the next, everything about them, my life about them, the feelings the love the happiness we shared, cannot and will not just disappear.

Now I only talk about him to certain few people, the closest people in his life - those that would in some way "get" how I feel (but still not completely).

At 3 months, I eat (the guilt of eating is another story), I work, I kill time, I meditate, I sleep. Yes Yoshi, that's the word, I'm on autopilot and I am glad of routines.

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Billie Rae, I think the ones to talk about it with are the ones you feel safe with, the ones you feel understand.  I was young when I lost my George, none of my friends were widowed, there was no support group in town, my sisters all still have their husbands even now...but now I'm older, I have a lot of widowed friends, I started a support group, and I have this place any my other forum, I can talk to any of you.  It helps to know others that get it.  My sisters can't possibly get it, their husbands are still there going through life with them, but they care!  And once in a while we talk about our memories of George, and that makes me feel good, there are others who loved him, not like I did, but they knew and loved him and that means a lot.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

And once in a while we talk about our memories of George, and that makes me feel good, there are others who loved him, not like I did, but they knew and loved him and that means a lot.

The people in my life who mean the most to me now are the ones who encourage me to talk about my husband, especially if they did not know him well, and/or who remind me of some of the wonderful things we shared, if they were very close to both of us.  I have had to kick a few acquaintances out of my life because after a little while they acted as if my love had never existed at all.  That is absolutely unacceptable to me.

One of my newer friends, the one who lost a daughter, tells me that she is comforted knowing more about my love because she is convinced that somehow my love and her sweet girl found each other and that he is watching over her until we're all together again some day.  The thing is that I think so too.  So we can talk about our complex spiritual feelings and deepen our own connection here and now.  Somehow it feels as if we've known each other always.  And that is one of the greatest comforts of all.

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On ‎7‎/‎7‎/‎2019 at 3:18 PM, yoshi said:

I recently started therapy to treat the PTSD from this fire, but after several sessions I am really unsure I am actually dealing with PTSD.

A few sessions do not necessarily define a good or bad therapist.  Your experience was tragic!  Horrifically tragic!!!!  What you shared here is exactly what you need to share with a therapist. A devastating loss as you experienced can possibly delay the grief process and PTSD is common after such devastation/trauma.  Your therapist has to provide a diagnosis which isn't always necessarily written in stone. A temporary diagnosis will be initially stated for insurance purposes at least in the states.   Find out what it is and move forward with that knowledge.  Talk therapy is supportive and helpful.  Therapy can be painful.  To grow and move forward is painful.  It is so worth it though.

My heart is with you.

~Sunflower~

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Oh good, I was hoping you'd weigh in here.  Your background in therapy is good to have around, although it doesn't help you grieve any less, still the knowledge is good to have.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

knowledge is good to have.

For those beginning this journey or wherever you find yourself in this journey:

Life experiences if used for growth is the best knowledge one can have.  Textbook knowledge and intelligence are not major factors in any recovery.  If not balanced it becomes avoidance to emotions.  All recoveries, all growth, require work and pain and it is to be balanced within us personally.  Our histories and needs are uniquely different. Each person joins this forum with their own uniqueness and relationships. Their skills. Their baggage. Their despair.

During my time on this forum I came as a person in grief.  For me it wasn't necessary to share all details other than the raw emotions of a sudden loss and a partner that I loved dearly but never idolized. In all my pain I went beyond and used whatever resources I felt were beneficial to try...for me.

As I look back I know I tossed out "tools" that I tried.  My toolbox.  Now as I look back how did I ever think someone in deep raw grief could grasp what I was doing or try what I was doing.  This I learned in my grief and my moving forward. 

Did my knowledge help me??  Possibly. It was my spirit. My determination and the pain.  I believe it is imperative to acknowledge the past but not carry the past.

I reached out and was open to receive what nurtured my growth. I've often stated throughout my posts that my "soul clusters" of support were not people who had experienced a loss as a partner. I was blessed to have that awareness that "they did get it."  Again we do what works for us.  Be open to receive.  Being open to receive  allowed me to do it my way.  My life as always been "not the conventional."   Grief actually creates "derangement."  Do books really address this?  Does society address it.  Grief isn't categorized as an "illness.'  Think about it.  It is an illness.  An illness we can, in time, move forward with.  There is no end to healing.  It is a lifelong process.  Yes a new discovery for me on this journey.

At 70 I'm feeling my life can shine again in newness.  Such a beautiful awakening to experience.

I know that those beginning this journey will find this post difficult to absorb.  

Know that I deeply understand those feelings of despair.  Light will begin to come through those cracks. 

My heart and light to you!

~Sunflower~

 

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