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Packing him up


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It's 5 months since my husband passed away, today I decided to pack up his clothes.  I was OK, it was a bit of walking down memory lane, as I'd fold clothes either remembering that I bought it for him (which was a majority of his clothes) or remembering maybe the last time he wore it.  I of course kept anything that had some true meaning, my daughters are planning to make pillows or part of a quilt with some of his t-shirts.  All I kept thinking was that these clothes are going to go to some good use to someone who can use them rather than them sitting in my closets and drawers.  I don't know what I expected to feel and I wonder once I actually give them away what I will think.  It did make me sad seeing all the bags lined up in my dining room.  The one thing I know I didn't want to do was to give his clothes to anyone I knew, I don't have  a real answer as to why, maybe the thought of someone I knew wearing them just seemed wrong.  

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foreverhis

You were very brave.  I did that with my love's clothes only about 2 months after he died.  In part it was because we'd had a fit of optimism and ordered him some of his favorite everyday items.  They were new and returnable, so I sent them back.  I kept some of my favorites and wear one of his flannel shirts on cold mornings.  I think I'll probably still be wearing it when it's all raggy and faded.  I sent our daughter his cashmere sweaters and other items she asked to keep and sent our granddaughter his flannel jacket that he always used to wrap around her when she was cold.  All those things are so comforting.

I felt a sense of emptiness when I donated the rest of his clothes to a local charity.  I think it's part of coming to terms with the finality of it.  But I took a small comfort knowing that they would be used to help others in need.

My advice is to not rush yourself to take his clothes out of the house.  My husband's sat there in stacks and piles for 3 weeks.

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I admire both of you having the strength to pack up clothes.  I've not gotten to that point. I know I will someday, but now I still find a bit of comfort and closeness seeing her clothes in the closet, touching a sweater or dress and briefly imagining her presence.

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Packing up clothes is a hard thing.Three years later I am still doing it, step by step and it is getting so much easier now.I have given lots of Steve's stuff to friends and I love seeing them wear it and it is a good 'opener' for a little chat about him.I also wear some of his stuff and that is comforting.

Life is good for me again after 3 years.I never thought that I would feel whole again at the start but now I do.I am happy again.

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Sunflower2
10 hours ago, Scott A said:

I've not gotten to that point. 

You will know when you are ready.  we are all unique in how we process.  There is another approach referred to as layering.  You release items as the importance it has for you.  Any item that falls into the "not sure"  are items you are not ready to let go of. 

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11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

You were very brave.

Thank you for that, I don’t really think I was brave. It was really something that needed to get done. I think we each move through this journey it whatever way works for us.  I too found clothes with tags since he was diagnosed about two weeks after Christmas and then found new comfy clothes we had bought for when he started chemo. Unfortunately he died within three weeks of his diagnosis so he never even started chemo. I too kept his sweatshirts and his flannels. I’ve realized his clothes are not him. Getting rid of the clothes is just that clothes. 

 

5 hours ago, Tineke H said:

Life is good for me again after 3 years.I never thought that I would feel whole again at the start but now I do.I am happy again.

 it was nice to read some positive thoughts. Although I’m only 5 months into this journeyI feel I am generally in a good place considering everything. I admire that you gave clothes to people you knew, I just can’t bring myself to do that. I feel either I’m keeping them for myself or my daughters or giving them away to strangers. I’ve found I’m very protective of his things right now. 

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When you start to feel 'better', you feel less need to visit this forum so maybe that is why there are not too many upbeat thoughts?It really does get 'easier'.We all know that, but we just can not imagine that anything can be good again in our lives after we have lost the one and only person we dearly love.After 5 months I was still a wreck, couldn't think straight and cried most days.So different now.We are all different in our grieving process but for most of us eventually there is really light at the end of the tunnel.

My sister wears lots of Steve's cycling gear, a friend wears his wetsuit and another one walks around in his t-shirts.Of course it's ok that you feel protective of your husband's clothes; it is a very personal thing.I personally think that Steve would like to have his 'mates' wear his stuff.But who knows....

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foreverhis
11 hours ago, Scott A said:

now I still find a bit of comfort and closeness seeing her clothes in the closet

I'm almost embarrassed to tell you how many times I've stuck my nose into the little rack of his polo shirts that I've kept in the closet and breathed in hard trying to feel him there.  They still have a little bit of his wonderful scent, not cologne because he didn't wear any, but just his own clean, sweet, masculine self. 

I suspect there are people in my life who think it's completely weird that his hoodie and day pack are still hanging by the door and that his jackets are still in the front closet.  I don't care.  The only thing that matters to me is what helps me cope.  The things I've kept, even his hairbrush is still in his bathroom drawer, keep him alive in a way for me.

 

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It was 4th of July after my husband passed that I boxed up his clothes.  I'd come home from a 4th of July event to find his closet rod had broke, dumping all his clothes on the floor so I took it as an omen that I was supposed to do something with them.  They sat there another 1 1/2 months before I gave them to Sponsors.  I visited it a couple months later and was totally taken aback seeing a guy come out of his room with George's clothes on.  I thought giving it to an organization with strangers was enough but shouldn't have gone back there.
It's hard, you got got through it, kudos to you, that's tough. I did keeps some favorites, and of course his bathrobe is still hanging on the bathroom door 14 years later, his hat still hangs on the hook, etc.

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6 hours ago, Tineke H said:

Packing up clothes is a hard thing.Three years later I am still doing it, step by step and it is getting so much easier now.I have given lots of Steve's stuff to friends and I love seeing them wear it and it is a good 'opener' for a little chat about him.I also wear some of his stuff and that is comforting.

Life is good for me again after 3 years.I never thought that I would feel whole again at the start but now I do.I am happy again.

I am so glad to hear it, not everyone feels that.  It gives hope.

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We need to have hope and Kay you were the first to respond to my very first post, over 2 years ago and you gave me hope.I still remember you being there was very helpful.And you are right, not everyone finds happiness again.I am lucky in many ways and I realise that every day.I am a changed person and I am scarred like everybody else on this forum, but I am happy again.We will never be the same since we lost our loved one.For me a 'new' Tineke has emerged.Not better ,not worse, just different.

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Chip’sChick

I’m new here, so please bare with me. I lost my husband last September and I thought I was doing ok, sad, mad, but then I went to a Memorial for all Vietnam Veterans that passed away from agent orange. Since then I’m a total wreck, it seems like it just happened all over again, all the memories of the 4 years of chemo, radiation, 2 brain surgery’s then last August his oncologist told him there was nothing more they could do, and his body couldn’t handle anymore treatments. Home on hospice for 3 weeks, him falling, him calling for me, the suffering he went though for those 3 weeks, it’s all like it just happened all over again. I feel like I’m totally losing my mind. I hate it, I’m so confused and trying so hard to move forward, I have so much to do, I can’t focus on anything for long. I’ve torn my house apart to clean and get rid of things, but things are everywhere and I’m totally overwhelmed. Please if someone has something I can do to get myself back to being me!

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ChipsChick
Well honey,this is one you will have to ride out,there is no easy way through grief.
Let yourself feel it and grieve.
You will never be"yourself"again.
Going through watching the one you Love suffer and be so so sick is a trauma in itself,my husband died of pancreatic cancer and I watched him suffer horribly through 3 months and 2 days and it was so traumatic that his dying was a relief of not seeing him in pain and confused by all the pain meds.
Who knows how long it takes,each person is different,but one day a new you will emerge.Stay here and perhaps start your own thread.
We will be here for you as we are all in the grief of loosing the person we love.
As you read through the threads you will see we all grieve in different ways and it takes different amounts of time for all of us.
Your sanity will come back But you are forever changed.
Big hug my love

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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14 hours ago, Chip’sChick said:

I’m new here, so please bare with me. I lost my husband last September and I thought I was doing ok, sad, mad, but then I went to a Memorial for all Vietnam Veterans that passed away from agent orange. Since then I’m a total wreck, it seems like it just happened all over again, all the memories of the 4 years of chemo, radiation, 2 brain surgery’s then last August his oncologist told him there was nothing more they could do, and his body couldn’t handle anymore treatments. Home on hospice for 3 weeks, him falling, him calling for me, the suffering he went though for those 3 weeks, it’s all like it just happened all over again. I feel like I’m totally losing my mind. I hate it, I’m so confused and trying so hard to move forward, I have so much to do, I can’t focus on anything for long. I’ve torn my house apart to clean and get rid of things, but things are everywhere and I’m totally overwhelmed. Please if someone has something I can do to get myself back to being me!

 

13 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

ChipsChick
Well honey,this is one you will have to ride out,there is no easy way through grief.
Let yourself feel it and grieve.
You will never be"yourself"again.

@Chip’sChick  I am sorry for your loss, for your need to be here.  But I'm glad you found this place.  Oh God how we know how hard this is.  Billie Rae told you the cold hard truth.  The pain of tears, the anguish, the crying out, it's all part of processing our grief. You may feel the memorial set you back, my guess is that it brought it all back to you for you to process more...it's necessary to process our grief for any healing to take place.  We don't heal from this in a final way, it's with us for life, but neither does it stay the same throughout our lives, this is something that requires more from us than we've ever experienced.

I wrote an article about four years ago of what I'd found to be helpful, the most essential thing for me was doing one day at a time. I hope something in this is helpful to you, if not right now, later on down the road.  I hope you'll print and save it because this is an evolving journey.  What will stand out to you a year from now will be different from six months from now and different yet than today.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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It’s going on 4 years and I’ve yet to get rid of any of my wife’s clothing. Between my daughter and myself, it’s all still here. The feelings of protectiveness is completely understandable. Ultimately, her clothes (not the “special” articles) will be donated to one cause or another, but now isn’t the time. When my daughter is ready, then I’ll be ready. And that’s okay. It is for us to decide what’s best for us, what allows us to move in the direction we need to move in, and if that means keeping every last thing, then that’s what that means. However, I had to make sure that her clothes weren’t symbolic chains keeping me in perpetual sorrow, a metaphor, if you will, for my unwillingness to “let go”. We never let them go, but it is okay to let the grief and the pain drift away as much as it can. Pushing away the pain, like their clothes or other belongings, isn’t pushing them away, they remain with us for the rest of our lives. How can they not?

No easy answers I’m afraid, but as time moves on, navigation through this wretched landscape does become manageable, if not easier. My days are in stark contrast to where this began, and I suspect it will for you as well.

Love and prayers,
Andy


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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5 hours ago, Andy said:

However, I had to make sure that her clothes weren’t symbolic chains keeping me in perpetual sorrow, a metaphor, if you will, for my unwillingness to “let go”. We never let them go, but it is okay to let the grief and the pain drift away as much as it can. Pushing away the pain, like their clothes or other belongings, isn’t pushing them away, they remain with us for the rest of our lives. How can they not?

I may have needed to see this. I definitely am not able to let go of anything belonging to my loved one. I even kept the cell phone on and pay the bill and still use it as my own. I have shoes, clothes, cologne that I haven't touched. Receipts, and  anything & everything "him*  It's all I have. For some odd reason I can't touch it. I keep his boxers near me. Phone with a screensaver of him and I can't rest without it. I say rest as of now I haven't slept only rested.  

I  will be able one day. Just not ready. I was upset at his family for thinking to give anything away. Being selfish and over possessive is simply put. I eventually kept a few items after ranting it's mine. I think in due time you and your daughter will be ready. You'll know as you've stated just not now. 

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It’s tough navigating these things, there’s no clear answer, no manual providing a timeline as to when it’s okay to let go of certain items. Keep it forever or keep only a few things, it’s however we feel individually. No right or wrong answer, just our answer.

Andy


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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10 hours ago, JoyR said:

I eventually kept a few items after ranting it's mine.

When my husband died, his friend and his friend's GF (whom George did NOT like) showed up unannounced as I was getting ready for his funeral, a total intrusion!  She grabbed his hat off the hook it hung from and loudly exclaimed, "I want his hat!"  I snatched it back and also exclaimed, "No!  It's HIS!"  In no way would I have let her have it, and for her to do that right before his funeral was intolerable!  We DO have to do what is right for ourselves.
When the dust settled, I knew who I wanted to give his fishing hat to...his best friend and fishing buddy.  It took me nine years to let go of it, but when I gave it to Dan, I saw a tear making it's way down his face as he clutched it to him and called George "his buddy." 

I agree with Andy's response here:

3 hours ago, Andy said:

It’s tough navigating these things, there’s no clear answer, no manual providing a timeline as to when it’s okay to let go of certain items. Keep it forever or keep only a few things, it’s however we feel individually. No right or wrong answer, just our answer.

Andy

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