My World Stopped on 6/29/19

[Telly2018]

My fiance passed away of a Massive Heart Attack and when he went into thw hospital I never expected not to see hom alive. I feel like I am going crazy because I am so mad at God but I know God is why we were together. Although it was short He still allowed us to fall madly in love but I am human and yea I stoll het mad....I don't want to be but I am. 

[Billie Rae]

@telly2018
I'm so so sorry you find yourself here with us.
My husband left in January of pancreatic cancer and yes,your whole world and outlook are ripped apart.
Its okay to be angry at God.
We all grieve in different ways but I can tell you the things we share,anger,guilt,feeling lost and helpless,sleeplessness,sleepiness hunger or can't eat.
I have had every one of these at different times,sometimes in the same day.
Go ahead and grieve and do it in your own way and your not crazy,you are in horrible pain.
We here are all at different stages of this journey and have moved back and forth different ways.
Me,I was lucky if you can call it that,
My husband and I had long talks about what he wanted my life to look like and so I made him promises that though hard it's my duty of love to fill them.
We are here for you and don't judge,just listen and tell you our stories of what does or doesn't work for us
I don't post as much as I did in the first months but this place saved me,supports me and let's me know I'm still loved and understood.
Love to you.We are here

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Telly2018]

I really appreciate your response. I am glad I joines the group because this is the hardest thing I've had to endure and I just don't know how to feel. Joining this group is the best thing for me I believe..thank you again..

[Scott A]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  How you feel is normal, it's ok be angry, hurt, alone, shocked, in denial and anything else you feel now or down the road.  I found this group a few short weeks after my wife passed, it's now been 3.5 months and many of the feelings are just as raw today.  This group has helped me, I hope we can help you.

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us. 

I agree that it's not only okay, but normal to be angry.  To be honest, I've yelled at God/the universe many times.  I'm not sure how to put this, but for me, any God that I want to believe in has to be strong enough accept our anger.  Feelings don't need justification. They are our feelings, both good and bad, and perfectly valid.

The best advice, although it seems a cliche, is to just try to get through each day, hour, even minute sometimes.  Although I don't cry as much as I did at first, my pain and grief are no less coming up on 1 year.  I'm trying to learn ways to cope, to go on, and to find small bits of light and joy.  My life will never be the same and I don't believe I will feel whole again until I am with my love once more.  Until then, I just get up each day and breathe.  I mostly feel as if I'm going through the motions of living, but it's a little easier than it was at first.

This forum has been so helpful to me because the members here "get it" in a way no one else in my life does.  Not even our daughter can fully grasp the depth of my pain and grief.  No one here will judge you or tell you what you should think, do, or feel.  Although we cannot know exactly how you feel, we know what it feels like to lose our soulmates. 

Please come here as often as you want to vent, question, talk, and anything else that let's you find a little peace.

 

[KayC]

Telly, how long has it been?  I'm glad you found this forum, joining a forum like this saved me when I lost my husband.  Your feelings are just that, feelings, I look at them as something to be gotten through, I try not to pay undue heed to them as they aren't always indicative of facts and as such aren't a barometer of anything, but still, they are our feelings and valid as such.  When my George died I felt God was a million miles away...I'd always been an avid pray-er but when this happened I felt like my prayers hit the ceiling, I felt numb.  About a year later or so I realized God was with me the whole time but my grief obliterated everything but my grief.  That's normal, natural.  Don't worry about it, all in due time.  Anger is also very much a part of grief.  We thought we had some control in our world and felt it was yanked away from us!  It's all a process, hard to absorb, takes much time.  Just give yourself the gift of patience and understanding.

I don't know why things happen like they do, it blindsided me when I went through it.  I wrote this at about ten years out, things that I'd found helpful, I hope something in it helps you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Telly2018]

Thank you so much. Emotioms are all over the place and today I just wanted to be in our bed and cry..his sister made me come out and although she and I are hurting( my fiance', her brother) we are trying to just get through the day. It's so hard and unfair..but I know God will heal but right now I'm just here. Thank you again as this really helps to just to let it out. 

[chincube]

I'm sorry for your loss. 

I lost my boyfriend 3 months ago and I'm still emotionally stunned. I don't post that much anymore as I don't have the energy, now the shock is lifting bit by bit. 

But I want to say, it is okay to stay in bed whole day and do nothing just cry. It's so very fresh, don't feel bad if you cannot go out at all. I can't even count how many days I've passed laying in bed all day. 

[Pitszal]

My husband past 3 months ago after 60 years of marriage.  Reading all the grieving posts, I realize I m not alone. All of us are feeling the normal symptoms of grieving for a loved one. I look at his pictures and it tugs my heart I can't believe that he is gone.  I love him and miss him so much. I only hope that we all can feel peace someday, although we will never forget the love and the memories that we have/ feel. 

[Telly2018]

It's been 5 long hurtful, confusing, angry, and depressed days. I want to just continue to remember our good timea but the loss overtakes my thoughts and my mind. I'm praying and asking for strength and comfort but reality hits ke at night.

[Jd2019]

I’m 6 months in and I can say I have more good days than bad s with hardly any anxiety. Might help to see a doctor early on cause I was suffering big time in the beginning. It helps to have a go to person to talk to when your at your worst so they can help pull you through. Thoughts and prayers. 

[Telly2018]

JD2019 I do understand and it is  a process. I love my Dennis and he was the love of my life and I hate he is gone but I know he is not in pain. I miss him so so much, his smell, his voice, his laughter...just his presence alone....

[Jd2019]

Yes I totally understand Telly2018. We miss everything about them even the smallest of things. Even today July 4th, my wife and I usually hosted this event with swimming food games fireworks. I remember fireworks shopping in past years with her. We miss them and love them dearly. I’m sure Dennis was a great man. I’m on a tough road raising my daughters now but I know I can make it.

[KayC]

June 29, so fresh...I was still in shock when it was that fresh.  It takes much time for this to process.  Try to stay in today, to not miss any good that comes your way, no matter how small...right now it's hard to absorb.  Jd, your post was encouraging to her.  We'll all be here as you walk through this, you're not alone in your feelings.

[Telly2018]

Yes JD the 4th was hard because he was a big kid about the holidays. I tried to just stay busy and not think but I couldn't think 1 minute of anything without a second thought of him. Thank you and God bless you. You will do great with your girls. 

[Telly2018]

KayC I don't think it has set in yet but I feel sick as the services approach and getting out of bed is almost impossible. I now have to make myself eat, and sleep which is challenging to me but I do try. Thank you for your comment. I am thankful for the Forum..it keeps me sane. 

[Telly2018]

21 hours ago, chincube said:

I'm sorry for your loss. 

I lost my boyfriend 3 months ago and I'm still emotionally stunned. I don't post that much anymore as I don't have the energy, now the shock is lifting bit by bit. 

But I want to say, it is okay to stay in bed whole day and do nothing just cry. It's so very fresh, don't feel bad if you cannot go out at all. I can't even count how many days I've passed laying in bed all day. 

It's like a norm now...I know I can't just stay in bed but it's what I'd rather do. Cuddle up with his favorite blanket and just sleep. Thank you for sharing. 

[Telly2018]

Pitszal, you are so right. I pray for comfort and peace for us all as this is hard. 1 day or 60 years is still hurtful and the pain is real in all of our situations. I love Dennis so much and I miss his laughter and his conversations in the wee hours of the night...I just lay awake until I can't because sleeping is harder to do without him...

[Billie Rae]

JD2019 I do understand and it is  a process. I love my Dennis and he was the love of my life and I hate he is gone but I know he is not in pain. I miss him so so much, his smell, his voice, his laughter...just his presence alone....

That's the thing that brings me some comfort,after watching Charlie suffer for 3 months I know he is no longer in pain and he's not scared anymore.
The week before he left he looked at me and told me he was scared of leaving me and scared of being so sick.
He's safe now.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, Jd2019 said:

We miss everything about them even the smallest of things.

Very true for me.  I remember reading that people say they even miss the little annoyances you can't help but have when you've lived with someone for a long time, even when it's your soulmate.  That's certainly the case for me. 

He had two little quirks that used to bug the heck out of me.  When he would wash his hands in the bathroom or kitchen, he'd leave a little puddle of water around the soap dispenser.  I actually called it his "puddling."  I'd go in and sigh, and then wipe up the water.  The other was his habit of leaving piles of his drafting, designs, and resource magazines and books just everywhere.  In my family growing up we called it "flat surface syndrome."  I'd clean and empty a shelf or table and the next thing you know, a pile of books and drafting pads would magically appear.  I teased him about it often.  Now I'd give anything to have to go wipe up those puddles and straighten up those piles of paper.  Anything.

[Telly2018]

KayC I don't think it has set in yet but I feel sick as the services approach and getting out of bed is almost impossible. I now have to make myself eat, and sleep which is challenging to me but I do try. Thank you for your comment. I am thankful for the Forum..it keeps me sane. 

[Telly2018]

I do understand. My Dennis would eat snacks all the time and I would worry about his teeth and he would just flash that beautiful smile as only he could and qould say " Telly, you know I love my snacks"...we'd lol as he'd eat anothwr one...I really miss those " snack" moments. 

[Fmf]

21 hours ago, Jd2019 said:

I’m on a tough road raising my daughters now but I know I can make it.

Having to raise our children suddenly on our own is not an easy task.  Im sure there are many trying days but I am glad you said you can make it!  We can do this, it's not something we we  could have ever  imagined having to do, but now here we are, and we are doing it.  

You're in my thoughts

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Telly2018 said:

I don't think it has set in yet but I feel sick as the services approach

I remember working 17 hours straight to make a huge collage for his service, I worked feverishly on it.  When the day came for his funeral, it helped to hear all of the things people said, especially when my son got up and talked.  He wasn't one to show emotion, but he did that day, he loved his stepdad, they were close.

I pray you find comfort also in his service, that it will help you to hear what people say about him.  Praying for strength for you...

[JoyR]

On 7/3/2019 at 7:48 PM, Telly2018 said:

My fiance passed away of a Massive Heart Attack and when he went into thw hospital I never expected not to see hom alive. I feel like I am going crazy because I am so mad at God but I know God is why we were together. Although it was short He still allowed us to fall madly in love but I am human and yea I stoll het mad....I don't want to be but I am. 

Im sorry for your loss . I too have lost my boyfriend July 3. Your loss fell on a Saturday. As I know this because my last and first time taking my babe to church was 6/3/19. On a Sunday. This forum has been my only refuge and support since my nightmare. It's so hard to deal with and I feel the pain. You are not alone in this. 

I'm new here but if I can offer any comfort to anyone experiencing loss of loved ones I will do my best to be supportive. As I too am dealing with it individually but together in our grief . I pray that God heals us from this pain. I have also been mad at God but it's through him and faith we were blessed to have known and experience our love with the people in our lives. So sometimes I'm angry but I'm so grateful to even known them. It hurts alot . And staying connected to others and speaking out is healing and you are loved. We hear you

[peavineviolet]

I feel your pain. My world blew up on July 6 this year when my husband of 13 years died of liver disease. Even though he was sick for a good few years, his death has still hit me like a freight train head on. I never thought such pain existed. I’ve just found this site after another day of trying to pick up the fragments of my life and start over. We were soulmates for 19 years. A big hug to you.

[Telly2018]

JoyR you summed it up, this has been a nightmare and I cannot seem to wake up. My heart is so broken and my emotions are everywhere. I went to visit his grave today as tomorrow will probably be too hard as it will be a month since his passing. I just thought it would be easier but it's not. 

[JoyR]

1 hour ago, Telly2018 said:

JoyR you summed it up, this has been a nightmare and I cannot seem to wake up. My heart is so broken and my emotions are everywhere. I went to visit his grave today as tomorrow will probably be too hard as it will be a month since his passing. I just thought it would be easier but it's not. 

OMG! I can imagine how this feels. I couldn't even make it to my baby funeral. But I feel that by you visiting his grave let's you get out your feelings and of course your emotions are all over the place because the reality hits you again that he's not coming back. 

It will soon be a month for me and I dread the day. As for myself, he choose cremation and that alone is torment as I have no grave to visit. I wish I was in your shoes. 

It's a lovely thing because guess what? Now ,you can visit him and talk to him whenever you want. I will still do the same. I had a supporter on here give me an idea, and that was to get my own headstone to mourn him. 

That was relieving to me since now it felt like I have my own special place to grieve. Alone!

Listen, i just posted earlier how I've been tormented two days on Monday and Wednesday. Monday- stood out to me because he would wait  at my job overnight on my graveyard shift every Monday. Wednesday is the day he was killed. And I've been having meltdowns every week on these days. 

So I can truly understand what it feels like to get to a month. The pain of events are relieved. And you are experiencing the loss of your dear fiance all over again. Every emotion you felt has resurfaced again when you were trying to get better and now it's a month and you are still grieving. And that is okay. Embrace these feelings. Because, to have these feelings and memories still fresh and new I think is also blessing. When you are able to remember everything so well and the love is so strong. I feel grateful to have experience that love they gave us. Yours is unique to you and him. We can't imagine ever moving on and don't want to really.  I get it. I think eventually it will be less painful and you will find visiting his grave more enjoyable. 

I think maybe you should write him a letter of how you're feeling and pray for strength and healing. 

I won't have all the right words to comfort you. I doubt anyone will. It's so hard to clear your head when this is still fresh and new for you.  I feel so sad.  I'm literally in tears because it hits home for me too. All of us on here have and will experienced this pain. Everyone handles it differently because yours is yours. But I can guarantee it's many that have experienced this. I'm not there yet but soon will be. And Im walking on eggshells right with you, butterflies in my stomach just like you, mind full of thoughts and emotions as well. You can get through this. He wouldnt want you to be stressed he would want to see you happy. Think of all the joy he brought in your life. 

I just hope you can look at his grave as happy place that's very special to you and not a sad place. He's only sleeping dear. You will see him alive and well when the time comes. 

To know that Our Lord has promised this is so wonderful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Everything will be ok. Peace and love when the month comes. Memories of Joy when the month is here. Claim it! 

Be strong

[KayC]

Telly,

Thinking of you today and I hope you find comfort going to his grave.  This is hard no matter how we do it...in the beginning I counted week anv of death, then month, finally yearly.

But always my thoughts are on him.  I do think it eases up some in time though, not as intense pain.  (((hugs)))

[JoyR]

I hope you found strength today. I'm curious to know how you're feeling and if you were able to visit his grave. I'm heading to work soon. 

But my laptop and phone will be near. I kinda find it a home away from home except when someone approaches about staying. Lol.  But what I mean is I have the whole night to think and it's emotional being there since I'm expecting his arrival. But be safe and stay positive. 

[Telly2018]

JoyR had a moment a few minutes ago but got it together. Going to Dennis' grave was emotional and still unreal. I have not cried in a couple of days and that was good but walking in the kitchen it just came over me and I just cried because I will never hear him tell me he loves me or me tell him...it's just so painful and I feel like I'm in such a dark place and my emotions are all ovee the place...

[Telly2018]

On 7/29/2019 at 11:20 AM, KayC said:

Telly,

Thinking of you today and I hope you find comfort going to his grave.  This is hard no matter how we do it...in the beginning I counted week anv of death, then month, finally yearly.

But always my thoughts are on him.  I do think it eases up some in time though, not as intense pain.  (((hugs)))

KayC it was hard and very emotional as I knew it would be but the overwhelming feeling I get makea me feel like I can't breathe and I just feel numb...this is so hard and unfair and I juat can't wrap my mind around taking control of my emotions. It's so hurtful and scarey...

[Telly2018]

On 7/24/2019 at 11:33 PM, peavineviolet said:

I feel your pain. My world blew up on July 6 this year when my husband of 13 years died of liver disease. Even though he was sick for a good few years, his death has still hit me like a freight train head on. I never thought such pain existed. I’ve just found this site after another day of trying to pick up the fragments of my life and start over. We were soulmates for 19 years. A big hug to you.

I can definitely relate. Thank you for sharing and I pray for comfort and peace for you. It's hard and I am just every where with my emotions...pray for me please. 

[JoyR]

I broke down as well. It's very hard to be strong but I'm glad you went. Today is a month for me I think as brain is not functioning properly. Everything is foggy now. 

Just let your emotions flow wherever they may. One day at a time. I'm distraught and hurt I cant hear I love you. Haven't heard it in days,weeks now. Try not to be where I am . I'm feeling lost again. Stay positive. I need others to be happy . My only hope

[KayC]

Telly,

The feeling like you can't breathe sounds like anxiety, which grief can definitely bring on.  I hope you'll talk to your doctor about it, maybe get some help with it for a couple of years or so...I researched different Rxs for it and the safest I found was Buspirone (Buspar) so I printed it out and took it in to my doctor, it's a class of it's own, doesn't leave me feeling numb or like a zombie, you might want to talk to your doctor about it.  I've been on it for 11 years (wish I'd been on it sooner), I have GAD and think I have been all my life, but this takes the edge off so I can cope better, I can still get some anxiety because I'm on the mildest dose, but I'd rather be that way than over-medicated.  Anyway, it's worth talking to your doctor.  Not trying to push it, just letting you know it worked for me, with no side effects.  I know we're all different.  But oh gosh I remember those anxiety attacks, not fun!  Haven't had a full blown one since being on this.  I had some that felt like a heart attack, I literally thought I was dying!  
I'm glad you made it through the day, it can be hard but I think after time it begins to lessen too.  You guys are still so fresh in this.  It's amazing you're functioning, I know it's hard!

[Telly2018]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Telly,

The feeling like you can't breathe sounds like anxiety, which grief can definitely bring on.  I hope you'll talk to your doctor about it, maybe get some help with it for a couple of years or so...I researched different Rxs for it and the safest I found was Buspirone (Buspar) so I printed it out and took it in to my doctor, it's a class of it's own, doesn't leave me feeling numb or like a zombie, you might want to talk to your doctor about it.  I've been on it for 11 years (wish I'd been on it sooner), I have GAD and think I have been all my life, but this takes the edge off so I can cope better, I can still get some anxiety because I'm on the mildest dose, but I'd rather be that way than over-medicated.  Anyway, it's worth talking to your doctor.  Not trying to push it, just letting you know it worked for me, with no side effects.  I know we're all different.  But oh gosh I remember those anxiety attacks, not fun!  Haven't had a full blown one since being on this.  I had some that felt like a heart attack, I literally thought I was dying!  
I'm glad you made it through the day, it can be hard but I think after time it begins to lessen too.  You guys are still so fresh in this.  It's amazing you're functioning, I know it's hard!

KayC thank you so very much. I will definitelyy look into it. I want to feel normal but now I'm trying to figure out..what is normal.

 

On 7/24/2019 at 11:33 PM, peavineviolet said:

I feel your pain. My world blew up on July 6 this year when my husband of 13 years died of liver disease. Even though he was sick for a good few years, his death has still hit me like a freight train head on. I never thought such pain existed. I’ve just found this site after another day of trying to pick up the fragments of my life and start over. We were soulmates for 19 years. A big hug to you.

I can definitely relate. Thank you for sharing and I pray for comfort and peace for you. It's hard and I am just every where with my emotions...pray for me please. 

[Telly2018]

On 7/31/2019 at 1:17 AM, JoyR said:

I broke down as well. It's very hard to be strong but I'm glad you went. Today is a month for me I think as brain is not functioning properly. Everything is foggy now. 

Just let your emotions flow wherever they may. One day at a time. I'm distraught and hurt I cant hear I love you. Haven't heard it in days,weeks now. Try not to be where I am . I'm feeling lost again. Stay positive. I need others to be happy . My only hope

This is one of the toughest challenges I've been in. I don't like it, I'm emotional all the time , sleeping is not happening, I just feel lost without him..and I know he's no longer suffering or in pain but it still hurts like it happened today. JoyR I will pray for you and you all please continue to pray for me and each other.

[JoyR]

6 hours ago, Telly2018 said:

don't like it, I'm emotional all the time , sleeping is not happening, I just feel lost without him..and I know he's no longer suffering or in pain but it still hurts like it happened today. JoyR I will pray for you and you all please continue to pray for me and each other.

It's very hard. I am praying for you everyday and for healing , peace of mind, and health. After receiving the locket with my boyfriend ashes I felt alittle calmer. 

But I have bee in a trance like state since. I know you are hurting. We've been robbed of our loved one and the future we wanted to share with them. Everyday I feel like this is unreal, a dream, waiting for a phone call or for him to just lay down and sleep with me. 

Im lost too. The feelings are normal though. Some people lived their whole lives and never experienced this type of love we've be blessed to receive. That's why it hurts so bad because we know what that feels like. To have someone who truly loves you. It's very rare. We won't to hold on to it forever. Ups and downs no matter. 

Your best friend. I'm keeping you in thoughts and prayers .

[JoyR]

Sorry for my typing error. As I said before I have been in a foggy state. And started stuttering. I guess it's affecting my writing. Lol. But I hope you are feeling better today. Relaxed and rested. 

[Billie Rae]

@All
I just want to say to you all,I'm so so sad for your losses.
I lost my Charlie in January of pancreatic cancer,
At almost 7 months in for me I can now function and participate in life some.The missing him is still here but now it's a rumble instead of a scream
I can smile at his memory now with slow rolling tears instead of falling down.
I'm learning who "me"is without us.
I'm slowly learning self care.
My sleep is still sporadic but I can rest my mind at times by thinking of all the reasons I'm grateful he was in my life and how being with him and caring for him in his last month's made me a better person than I was before him.
Each one of you will take a different amount of time,but little by little you will see that the memory of your love is forever embedded in your DNA and hopefully in time you will notice your living again.
Love and one moments peace
My heart to all
Love Billie


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[KayC]

15 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

@All
I just want to say to you all,I'm so so sad for your losses.
I lost my Charlie in January of pancreatic cancer,
At almost 7 months in for me I can now function and participate in life some.The missing him is still here but now it's a rumble instead of a scream
I can smile at his memory now with slow rolling tears instead of falling down.
I'm learning who "me"is without us.
I'm slowly learning self care.
My sleep is still sporadic but I can rest my mind at times by thinking of all the reasons I'm grateful he was in my life and how being with him and caring for him in his last month's made me a better person than I was before him.
Each one of you will take a different amount of time,but little by little you will see that the memory of your love is forever embedded in your DNA and hopefully in time you will notice your living again.
Love and one moments peace
My heart to all
Love Billie

This is great to hear!  Thank you for sharing this, it sends hope to others here, you're making progress.

And for those having a hard time sleeping (okay, mostly everyone), don't be afraid to get help from the doctor.  We're in this for the long haul, we need all the help we can get!