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I don’t know how to do anything without my dad


Taima

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To give some context:

I’m 18, and just lost my father to colon cancer three weeks ago (we didn’t find out he was sick until it had reached stage 4 last year). My dad was an airline pilot (for 30+ years), and he was damn good at his job.

 

The thing is: I relied on my dad for everything. From a young age me and my brothers would travel places alone, what with my dad being a pilot (free tickets, and being comfortable w/ plane journeys). But my dad did everything for me- booked our flights, hotels, gave us directions etc. I feel like I don’t know how to do any of that stuff without him. And it’s just that when I was traveling alone I wasn’t afraid because I knew he was a phone call away. Whenever I’d get lost in a foreign country I’d just call him and he’d send me directions, trusted contacts he knew etc.

 

 It’s not even just traveling. Whenever I’d have car troubles he knew exactly what to do. Whenever I had any paperwork he knew what to do. What ever problem I had I knew my dad would know exactly what to do. I feel as if I’m hopeless without my dad. I know most people will say that I’ll learn over time but I’m so scared to start. 

 

Whenever I went on a flight he’d tell one of his buddies to keep a look out for me (as he almost always knew one of the cabin crew). I’ll miss going on a plane and one of the pilots or cabin crew knowing my dad and inviting me into the cockpit. I’ll miss him messaging me before I’m about to board and when I land. I’ll miss him making sure I checked in alright and him telling me about the cool places I could go to. I miss traveling with him. I miss calling him when I’m homesick, or when I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I miss him. Sometimes I just wish he didn’t spoil me so much because now I have no idea how to do anything without him. God I just miss everything he did for me and it hurts whenever I think about him not being there. 

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Nicole-my grief journey

Taima,

I can’t express enough how sad I am for your loss. What an amazing father! My heart goes out to you. You’ve expressed him and your feelings so vividly. Right now your loss is so fresh and so even though the thoughts are circling around in your head about the future, know that you don’t have to figure all of it out right away. I know my mind was flooded with things when everything was so fresh and it was rough. A lot of the time, I can’t get my mind to stop circling with the overwhelming thoughts and so I walk, write, or try any activity to reset. My mom died from colon cancer too. 3months after her diagnosis. It was shocking, painful and was/is so hard. Life lost it’s color and I found it difficult to find meaning in anything. I’ve been scared, nervous, anxiety ridden and so much more ever since my mom. It’s almost a year later and I can now say that I’m doing a lot better than I was. It’s taken baby steps and going minute by minute, hour by hour and eventually day by day. With each new thing I’ve had to learn to do on my own, I’ve gained more confidence and I know you will too. It’s by far not easy and I’ve made mistakes and still have a long way to go, but I think the thing is to just keep going and know it’s ok to not always know what to do. It’s ok to ask advice or opinions and about options from others you trust, or the professionals themselves.  

Remember that your dad has placed everything inside of you that you need to succeed (even though it may not feel like it in this moment). You watched him handle things, listened to his advice, had his love and care and so you will continue his legacy and practices in life (instinctually). In my new normal, I’ve figured out that I knew more than I thought (from watching my parents) and that I can trust my gut...That my mom’s life lessons keep going even though she isn’t physically here (I’m constantly amazed by this). And when I don’t know what to do, I ask myself what would she do? How would she approach this? I also go to therapy and bounce ideas off of my therapist as a sounding board. Therapy has helped me to cope with the grief, share about my loss and have somewhere I feel safe and understood. I started therapy after my first serious loss (which was my brother) and it was the best decision I ever made. I always suggest it to others. Sometimes it takes a couple tries to find the right one, but the trick is to not stop looking and commit to giving it a chance to work and see results. I also attended cancer grief group meetings. I liked those because it was people of all ages and when they spoke I could identify with them no matter what the age. It helped to know that I wasn’t the only one in the sea of darkness and it gave me so many perspectives and a couple friendships. The group was also a great option because it was free. I hope you will also find solace here on the forum. It’s been a great space for me and there are so many people on here who I feel I can relate to and share with.

 

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