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brother before

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My little brother, 23, 7 years younger, killed himself almost 7 months ago.  It was really completely out of the blue. Really.... He had plans for the next day, with my gma,  and the weekend, and the month and year ahead. Had lifelong plans really. He was special. He was hard into parkour, he was an extra in a big hollywood movie, wanted to be a stunt devil. Adventurous. Loved life. Outgoing. He was also quiet and introverted. An old, awkward soul. Like me. Pensive. I don't know how the two opposites can exist together, but they did in him.  He was everything I wanted to be and he was only my kid brother. ...He had plans to hang out with friends that night, after work. It didn't work out, who's to blame, idk, his truck for breaking down or his friends for not waiting for him, or just fate...idk....he was supposed to hang out with people, he was hung back, they went ahead.....the few days prior were fucked up, and makes some believe he was murdered vs suicide...me...idk..it could really be either way. The week before, I'd have to track down exact dates but...the few days before.....he "died' on a sunday/saturday night....he drove this girl down to the southern state....he asked her to make a weekend of it, and to drive back up Monday or Tuesday.....she said it needed to be sooner,,,,,they went mid-later week, he was on virtually no sleep trying to get this girl away from whoever she was trying to get away from.....abusive boyfriend....whatever, He didn't care cuz he loved/had love for this manipulative bitch. It was because he was starved of love. Because he was fucking hot and starved of love and tricked up on some bitch, and just wanted to give all his love to some poor helpless thing...

He was rotting in his apartment for 3 days. Before my sister's nudge to check on him convinced my mom to go over and see him.My sister lives far and they talked everyday, my mom lived down the block... It used to be my mom's apartment, there were a lot of happy memories there., all of us together...She knew/, after so many days of no response and driving by his car, i guess she just knew...couldn't bring herself to do it, made her bf do it; he went up the stairs, found his apartment unlocked, found his body hanging there; he said he thought it was a Halloween decoration at first.  That his lips and fingers were black and purple and puffy. (My sister later asked for the scene photos and obtained them, I can't bring myself to look, but was told his lips and fingers were black, i can imagine a swollen zombie; i'm torn cuz i want to see but i don't want to see him that way. idk. Maybe it would help. Maybe it'd be better than imagining. Idk....It's half a year later, and I still don't know. We never had a viewing or anything. They just took him away. I asked for some of his hair, but by that time it was too late, his body had already been burned. Maybe if they had offered that, maybe if they had offered a viewing, or ANYthing, maybe it would have been better.....But he was cremated the morning after and we were all still in shock...I think they should mandatorily ask those things; do you want this or that?...before we incinerate your loved one...you're not really thinking about that stuff at the time.....

When I found OUT,  I was getting ready for work. I should have been sleeping but I was awake watching YTvids on root canals, dentist appt the next day that I was worried about. I was drinking my last cup of coffee before getting dressed for work, answered my bf's call; I immediately cut him off with "honey, i've been up, i don't think I should go tomorrow, root canals can kill you, blah blah blah"...he kept trying to cut me off and I kept talking til he finally just said it. > My brother's name, 'He's dead, I'm sorry he's dead. He hung himself. Call your sister, I'm so sorry"

What?:..  > Repeated info.... What? /ok.... Hung up. [Robot mode]. I didn't think this was real or happening, I felt like i was still dreaming. I knew it was but I knew it wasn't at the same time. I felt bad later about how I went through the motions. I guess it was shock. [Robot mode] -- I called my sister. I hadn't talked to her in months, I hadn't talked to my brother either. I guess you could say "estranged" ; we hadn't been talking lately cuz of me..... I was fucked up/depressed, and when I would drink (like once or twice a week, and get fucked up, I would start ****; so fucking stupid.) I called work, someone i knew answered, said what happened and i wouldn't be in for awhile, ....drove to the apartment, like a 20 minute ride. I didn't cry the whole time. I thought the whole way how it was weird that I wasn't crying. Drove up, consoled my dad balling in his truck; we sat there for an hr, they brought his body down , I can see my dad watching... I really don't  know how he is still living. I prolly would have shot myself in the head that night if I were him..... 

I had told my brother, us hanging out during the summer before, just us,.... I had told him  I thought about suicide all the time but I'd never do it cuz I'd never leave them; I was really affected by the Bourdain suicide in June and it kinda made me feel extra crazy/emotional, esp when i was drinking.... and told him all about it and how it affected me....i know the day I found out about it, I got fucked up and really emo about it, which is weird, some stranger I watched on TV basically....I still feel guilt about telling my brother about it.  About letting something so removed even affect me like that.. Bothering my brother with it. Putting the same idea in his head. Idk. Maybe it was already there. Idk...But I still blame myself....

{{When I was in high school, 'd be in AP classes, Eng, ....I think the only author that applies is Faulkner, read some of his stuff in class....but  in my off time I'd read a bunch; for fun, Camus, Dostoyevsky, Sartre, DeSade, the dude who wrote Fight Club and all his stuff; so many other things I can't remember the name of, like nothing even matters now, all those works that shaped my brain.....everything from then shaped my "then" and still my "now" ; I haven't really changed since my brother's suicide. Everything's basically the same. 


I always held this big grudge against them. the "them"...the people who shaped our psyches,,,,everyone was responsible and should have known better....they should have known..


how could anyone have known.....




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