Introduction - delayed grieving

[Rozann]

Hello,
I guess if I read through some of the posts, I will probably find others who have felt the same, but I thought I would introduce myself and maybe ask. I lost my husband of 26 years 16 months ago. He was 61, was diagnosed with cancer and died 11 weeks later. We had just moved to our dream semi-retirement/ retirement hobby farm in a small community two years before he died. I took early retirement from my work and found part-time work here, as did he. We were so happy - he had lakes to go fishing close by, the community was wonderful, the stress of living on the outskirts of a big city and paying the high cost of living was gone. Then what seemed like all of a sudden - he was gone too. I really did not know what to do, so I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, kept busy, worked on projects at home - I went back to work again at two part-time jobs  just three weeks after he died. I had lots of support from friends and family, but I could rarely cry. Three months after he died, my 9 year old dog that I had raised from a pup died, everything in life was disappearing. I still kept going. People thought I was really strong, but I just didn't know what else to do.

Now here I am, a year and a half later and since the past few weeks, I have felt like I can't even think straight -can't even make a decision about anything.  I let one of my jobs go, and I find myself forcing myself to keep socializing with friends - I just want to curl up in a ball and give up on trying. I cry a bit more now then I did before, but I feel like it's a dark place I can't go to or I will never come back out, but I also feel like I can't hold it together anymore. I don't know what to do. Has anyone else felt like this?

[KayC]

I can't speak for anyone else, we all handle it different, but it sounds like you've been holding it together for so long and can't anymore.  It's okay to not be okay, to cry, to scream.  To allow yourself to do so is part of the processing work of grief.  I can give you what I have found helpful, but we do all vary in our response and timeline.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Moment2moment]

On 6/24/2019 at 8:56 PM, Rozann said:

Hello,
I guess if I read through some of the posts, I will probably find others who have felt the same, but I thought I would introduce myself and maybe ask. I lost my husband of 26 years 16 months ago. He was 61, was diagnosed with cancer and died 11 weeks later. We had just moved to our dream semi-retirement/ retirement hobby farm in a small community two years before he died. I took early retirement from my work and found part-time work here, as did he. We were so happy - he had lakes to go fishing close by, the community was wonderful, the stress of living on the outskirts of a big city and paying the high cost of living was gone. Then what seemed like all of a sudden - he was gone too. I really did not know what to do, so I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, kept busy, worked on projects at home - I went back to work again at two part-time jobs  just three weeks after he died. I had lots of support from friends and family, but I could rarely cry. Three months after he died, my 9 year old dog that I had raised from a pup died, everything in life was disappearing. I still kept going. People thought I was really strong, but I just didn't know what else to do.

Now here I am, a year and a half later and since the past few weeks, I have felt like I can't even think straight -can't even make a decision about anything.  I let one of my jobs go, and I find myself forcing myself to keep socializing with friends - I just want to curl up in a ball and give up on trying. I cry a bit more now then I did before, but I feel like it's a dark place I can't go to or I will never come back out, but I also feel like I can't hold it together anymore. I don't know what to do. Has anyone else felt like this?

I definitely can relate and I am so sorry for your loss. We are almost on the same timeline in terms of events, including the loss of a dog in the mix. 

Through my last14 months I have been through many mystifying phases of pain.

Somehow at present I am at a pretty level place where I can function and find some peace and joy again, but the missing them everyday never goes away.

I had 28 years of a shared life and everything, the good and the bad, is a constant reminder of her absence.

What got me this far was a few supportive people, a grief counselor through hospice, and coming here.

I was numb for the first months. I had panic attacks, deep depression and suicidal thoughts and plans, and around the 6 month period (where 2 of our dogs died) I just erupted in a rush of deep gut wrenching crying spells.

I pulled myself out of this phase enough to appear normal, but it got very scary for me and I had no one that "got it" and never would.

Around the one year mark I found a job that energized me and got me out of my dark pit of loneliness and sadness and by the grace of God I have stayed out of that hole.

I came to realize how intensely private this road of sorrow is. No one, and I mean no one, will ever grasp the depth of sorrow and loss that you feel.

I am a person who tries to find expression or understanding in the events that happen to me, so I spent a great deal of time trying to come to some sort of understanding or closure.

I quit doing that. I have settled into this daily rhythm of "just me now" and take it one day at a time on a literal level.

I have found some meaning in my current state by rescuing dogs and trying to get my health back. I found work I love. I am better able to concentrate to read or watch a movie.

Little steps.

I talk to her all the time and know that she is with me. I know she is no longer suffering. I believe that within a moment of a last breath we will be together again.

Meanwhile I am just trying to recreate some life and joy and meaning in each day.

I won't say it will get better, but I will say that for me anyway it has gotten somewhat more tolerable. 

Keep coming here as it is a welcoming place of love and support when you feel there is no other. Know that you are not alone.

Love, 

Lily Bell

[KayC]

Lily Bell,

Thank you for sharing your deeply poignant and gut wrenching journey...I relate to everything you said.  We have our ups and downs and sometimes still struggle with what is, but we do our best to function, to get through each day, and try to find some good in our lives along the way.  I thank God for this place.

[Billie Rae]

Lily Bell that was beautiful and sad but also shows we can eventually find a place of being in this soul wrenching journey.
Thank you.I always love to read your posts.
Love Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Sunflower2]

On ‎6‎/‎28‎/‎2019 at 3:55 AM, Moment2moment said:

I came to realize how intensely private this road of sorrow is. No one, and I mean no one, will ever grasp the depth of sorrow and loss that you feel.

I have settled into this daily rhythm of "just me now" and take it one day at a time on a literal level.

Beautiful!  This takes time.  It is a process.  

[Rozann]

Thanks for your replies. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. I (it's so hard to get used to not saying "we") have a small farm. He used to fix everything, keep everything running - now half the time I'm lost when it comes to repairs. What to do, who to call so as not to be taken advantage of - something I can't afford. I have horses, dogs, cats - they kept me going because I have to get up in the morning and feed them and look after them.

I don't know what I will do with the farm in the end. It was our dream so I don't want to leave and I have no idea where I would go or what I would do, but I don't know if I can maintain it on my own.

[KarenSunshine]

"I don't know what I will do..." I can so relate to that.  It's only been six months for me and yes it is more tolerable but the acute pain, anguish and despair continue.  I sit in this lovely interesting house - but it's empty.  What to do?  I don't know either.  I hope with time the answers will become clearer ...meanwhile I am just grateful that I am  not being forced to make that decision.  Hugs.  So much pain and loss.  It Has to get better!

[KayC]

Someone on my other site was in similar situation, she did downsize a bit but still has the place and keeping it going herself after all these years.  I pray you know what to do as everything unfolds and hope you don't get taken advantage of.  I've felt that way just about having my own home...it's a 41 year old mobile home that I have a mortgage on and when I retired is when everything hit and needed replaced!  I do or hire what I can and what can be put on the back burner is for a while.  One day at a time!  I fight the "overwhelmed" feeling when life is such a struggle, at least when we had them we could talk it over and didn't feel in it so alone!

[Sunflower2]

On ‎6‎/‎29‎/‎2019 at 11:39 AM, Rozann said:

I don't know what I will do with the farm in the end. 

When it is time you will know.  Adding the what ifs and the what nots can increase our suffering. Focus on immediate concerns and your self care.  Be open to receive and you will be surprised at what may evolve. You will know when it is the moment to step out or step back. Opportunities will be there.  It is up to us to decide and feel it through.   Not every opportunity is an opportunity.  There will always be levels of fear and anxiety with any newness. Stay with it and see what message it is sending to you. Always know there are many beautiful and kind people out there.  I understand in pain and loss this is a major challenge. 

~Sunflower~

[Sunflower2]

13 hours ago, KarenSunshine said:

So much pain and loss. 

Yes and it does in time get lighter.