Loss of Both in Succession as only child

[Bjj2786]

I’m new to this site so here goes. In the past 3.5 years I’ve not only watched die but made the sole decision to let go both of my parents. I grew up as an old child and they divorced when I was 6. Primarily, I lived with my mother and helped her through many troubling times during my high school years and into my 20s. She battled cancer for 3.5 years before passing and I struggled with balancing my career and helping her through it. She passed away when in lived in Florida and her in Delaware. I got there in time but not early enough for a proper goodbye. She is by far, the one I miss the most and I’m not sure it’ll ever get easier. 

 

I started to turn the corner a little before my dad went downhill about a year later. By that time I even moved to Washington DC to help him out. Once again, I was the only one to tell the doctor to turn off all machines and care. While I didn’t share the same relationship, it felt like I was forced to live the same nightmare again. That was in december 2017. 

Both of them were in their 60s, and I’m now 32. The intensity of the losses is behind me but I’m stuck with this profound loneliness and resentment. I sneer at everyone I see my age with happy and healthy parents, who didn’t deal with what I dealt with, and I have no one to talk with who can relate. 

They say it will get better one day but that’s difficult to imagine. Every day is another day feeling alone out here with no guidance or my mom’s support, or even able to complain about my dad. I’m hoping someone on here has been through the same experience and is able to relate and talk about it. Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far. 

[Vivi]

Hi , I can relate to the loss. I am an only child also. I lost my dad 30 years ago.i still feel the pain. I miss him so very much! I lost my mom almost 7 years ago.  I am in total pain. They were my go to people.  I have none now. I have been married for 52 years.i have 2 sons, and 2 grandchildren. My son moved 900 miles away and I can only talk to him when he calls,which is not often. I miss my grandchildren so much. My other son does not like to visit,or talk much. So you can see that I am pretty much alone.  My husband yells quite a bit. I have no one to turn to. Very depressing! I hope you have people that want to be with you@

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Bjj,

I’m so sorry for your losses. You have my empathy. I too feel profound loneliness with the loss of my mom and two of my brothers. It’s painful and so hard not to have the guidance and people you love to talk to about anything and everything with. There is a giant, unfillable hole. I believe it’s like when we’re babies and learning to self soothe. Now we have to do that all over again except we’re adults and completely aware of it. Therapy has helped me with coping and setting some goals. I never thought that I would/could have interest in life and now I’m gaining some traction and I know it’s because of therapy and the will that comes from my mom’s DNA and things she taught me. It takes all of my effort, but as I keep at it, I think it will become less raw. I also push to connect and seek out women older than me who have lost their moms, or, who I feel have qualities that would do me good. Women I can look up to. Mentors because no one can replace my mom, but I can’t do all of this alone and so I try to get guidance from them. I’ve made a couple of friends through being open about my loss and them just understanding brings me some comfort. I’m wishing this for you too.

hugs,

Nicole

[nuvar]

hi Bjj2786, 

I can understand how you feel. My mum passed last yr due to bad medical advice and for me she was my best friend. Im also an only child - 35 this year and indeed it is somewhat harder. Im also rather a loner and introvert. 

She would have lived for another 2-3 years if not for the bad advice. I feel terrible and guilty each day and Im blamed by my relatives... but they do not blame the doctors. 

My dad currently has moderate alzheimers... and we know where that leads to.

My mum loved me, so did my dad. They never had high hopes for me, but just wanted me to be happy. But I was always unhappy and that made them unhappy too. This is something I really regret.

I understand too... I feel jealous and angry when I see people who dont deserve their good life living well....... like people who are lazy but born rich and with good genes..... smoked, drank, took drugs but still all good. I guess it cant be helped. Many people who deserve to die are living well while many good people suffer

Life is really random. I dont think it is or will ever be easy. Have you tried speaking to friends or your family or seeking professional help?

I hope you are getting on with some activities, finding new friends or getting a new hobby. Hopefully you can focus on something, like having a pet or helping the less fortunate....... doing things your parents loved and what they would have liked you to do. Grow a plant perhaps? Volunteer? Start a new venture or initiative to help the poor? 

If, in the future, you have your own family and many many years later you passed on, what would you want your child to do?

It's never easy, we know *hugs*