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My best friend is now terminal.


Imnotsure

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I'm not even sure what to write. I just don't know how to accept that the rock solid person in my life who's supported me since day 1 is not going to be in my life much longer.

about a year ago her headaches were explained as cancer... she started radiation and it looked like things were going to be okay but then they got worse. I'm 20 years old. She's 19. I'm very fortunate as I've never had to go through losing anyone before. But it's making losing her really hard to process... She has less than a year... I should feel lucky but knowing her the way I do I'm absolutely terrified she might try to speed things up to put it gently.

She wants to start planning her funeral.

I don't know how to help my best friend plan her funeral....

I don't know how to help her get through all of this.

And I feel so selfish for being upset because she's the one that's going through it.

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Nicole-my grief journey

Imnotsure,

You have my empathy. I can only imagine how you must feel. Your feelings are valid and it’s natural and ok to have them. I’ve had the news of three terminal ill diagnoses in my family throughout my life and I know it’s hard to process and my mind raced with so many questions and emotions. I didn’t know how to plan a funeral or anything else either. Usually there are professionals who guide friends and family when it’s time to plan and I hope that there will be for her, her family and you. I was fearful to have the more than difficult conversations and had fears about what would happen and what was going on in their minds. There is no set path or action to take and each individuals journey is different. When I haven’t known what to do, I just did my best to be there as support with what ever they needed. Mostly an ear, a sounding board for decisions, someone who would sit with them, love them and be of service. I also took advantage of free local meetings for family and friends at the palliative care facility and grief groups. Those helped me to cope and share things that I was feeling that I didn’t think would be helpful/positive to loved ones I was losing. But I believe that there is no right or wrong in terms of what you choose to express or not express to them and I suggest going with your instinct in any given situation. It’s also completely ok to say that your not sure what to say and ask them what you can do to help them, or what needs to be done, or changed. I wish someone had told me to also remember to treat them as the person I know and love throughout their journey as opposed to me focusing on the time line of how much or how little time we had left together. Some of the most connected moments for me and my loved one were me giving her mani pedi’s, watching movies with her when she was tired, taking her outside when she felt up to it, bringing a trinket as a gift because she always loved sparkly things. With everything swirling around and the anticipatory grief, it’s sometimes easy to lose sight of the person they were before their news and with my mom, I realized that I did that a few times and so when I would notice I was doing that, I did my best to continue to steer her and me back to things we got joy from before and then with changes occurring. I didn’t leave things unsaid. When i felt I had opportunities to share with her what she meant to me I did and let her know what I appreciated and loved about her. I reassured her I would be ok even though I didn’t feel like I would be, because I knew she felt worried about everyone’s feelings regarding losing her and I wanted to take that burden away from her thoughts. My thoughts are with you. These forums can be a great safe place to share and I hope you will continue to. 

Hugs,

Nicole

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