One Year

[Candyce68]

Today marks one year since my husband Ed passed away form complications of pancreatic cancer.  I still have a hard time accepting all of this.  How and when does it ever get better.  I miss him so much every day.  Ed had just retired, got  diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer and passed  6 months later.  It is so hard, because we finally and the time to the things we had planned, and all gone so quickly.  Time seems to pass quickly, but not this feeling of loss and loneliness.  Ed was my best friend and soul mate.

[KayC]

I'm sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing any of us have found ourselves going through.  I have a friend who has lost several children and then her husband commit suicide.  I can't imagine...just trying to survive the death of my husband, mom, sister, friends, pets, that's been hard enough.  No one can tell you how long this takes because it's different for all of us.  So much is unique to our own coping skills, how we process our grief, etc. so many things affect it.  I am glad you've found your way here, my husband was also my best friend and soul mate.  It's so unfair, my husband was barely 51, he's been gone now 14 Father's Days ago, 6/19/05.  Somehow I'm still here, still taking one day at a time, still talking to him, still loving him and carrying him in my heart.  You have found a group of people here that "get it" and will want to be here for you.

[Brazil Man]

@Candyce68. For me it's a litle more than one year since my wife passed away from lung cancer. As you said time goes by quickly but it does not heal the pain.
Time  only increases the distance between us and our loved ones.
Moises    

 

[Candyce68]

Thank you for your kind words and support. It helps to  know there are people that understand this type of loss.  Thank you all.

[Mystic]

I also lost my husband to pancreatic cancer. Diagnosed in 2017. He lasted 9 months.  There is no life for me without him.  I'm just going through the motions.

 

[DHG]

So sorry for all of us who have lost our spouse...Mine has been gone 11 weeks.  He was 62, just retired, died from a sudden heart attach and was gone in an hour. We were each others best friend...together 25 years (married 23 of them).  I still can't believe it, but the shock has worn off somewhat now.  I hate that time is going by because it feels like it is taking me further and further away from when I was last with him.  I feel numb most of the time still...I still can't listen to music because I'm afraid it will bring so much feeling and pain up...more than I can handle at one time.  I know that in time, I will listen to music again and will be willing to take the feelings that come, but I just can't yet...I'm still too brittle/fragile/weak.  I feel like I am just waiting til I get to the end of my life now.  I don't look forward to anything, I have little hope that things will get better really.  Maybe I'm just depressed tonight, but I honestly feel this way most of the time now.  Anyways, thank you all for being here.  I know others have said this, but you all here are really where I get my deepest and most valuable help from.  I don't know what I'd do without you all....thank you for being here, although I'm sorry you have to be.

[Candyce68]

I am so sorry for your losses, I know that feeling of not doing the things you used to do together.  Even after one year there are things, I cannot bring my self to do.  The stuff that seemed so important before, just dose not seem to matter anymore.  It is helpful for all of your support and compassion.  I too wish we didn't have to be here.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, DHG said:

I hate that time is going by because it feels like it is taking me further and further away from when I was last with him.

It never ceases to amaze me how we experience the same feelings!  I felt this way too...now it just feels like a million years ago and seems surreal that we ever had a life together.

[LeannC45]

48 minutes ago, KayC said:

It never ceases to amaze me how we experience the same feelings!  I felt this way too...now it just feels like a million years ago and seems surreal that we ever had a life together.

I would have to agree with this as well. I have recently been noticing that I am experiencing a sense of disconnection. It is as if the time I had with my husband is elusive. I have all of these memories of a life I use to have and that experience seems so far away. You do start to wonder "was it real?" How can that piece of my life really be over forever. How did it go by so quick! There is a distortion in time that I am still trying to understand. It may be part of our experience that protects us in a way. Parts become more clear and defined while other parts seem cloudy and abstract. It is an ongoing, constantly evolving process that is exhausting. 

[JamesD]

I know what you are feeling. I lost my lovely wife last year also. And I could still cry every day. Just this morning I was having coffee with a friend and a slow song came on, and I thought this is a song I can slow dance with my wife in the kitchen. But it will never be now. 

This is my first post. But I have been reading for several months.

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, Mystic said:

There is no life for me without him.  I'm just going through the motions.

 

Yes, that's how it is for me too.  I'm coming up on two very painful days and am dreading them.  I've read so many posts where members say they feel worse as they come close to 1 year.  I'm discovering that is true for me.

[SBA]

It is true, that the closer I get to June 27, the 1 year mark,  the more it seems like I am getting so far away from him and I don't want that.  Sometimes I have a hard time remembering his voice and that scares me and makes me so sad.  You wouldn't think that after spending 53 years together and 2 weeks shy of 48 years married that it would be possible.  Tomorrow I turn 70 and this is not the way I envisioned it.  I had planned on spending it at Disney, but now that is the furthest thing from my mind.  So sorry that we are here, but I'm thankful for all of you.

[Pim]

14 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I would have to agree with this as well. I have recently been noticing that I am experiencing a sense of disconnection. It is as if the time I had with my husband is elusive. I have all of these memories of a life I use to have and that experience seems so far away. You do start to wonder "was it real?" How can that piece of my life really be over forever. How did it go by so quick! There is a distortion in time that I am still trying to understand. It may be part of our experience that protects us in a way. Parts become more clear and defined while other parts seem cloudy and abstract. It is an ongoing, constantly evolving process that is exhausting. 

This is exactly what I am experiencing and I have not even reached the one year mark. It frightens me. Because I did and still do love Rob so much.

[KayC]

Today is 14 years since he left.  My plans to keep busy backfired, I came down with a horrid flu yesterday, have never felt worse.  Even had to cancel celebrating my daughter's birthday, I'm miserable.  And of course it always drives home how alone we are...

[Billie Rae]

Oh Kayc,get better[emoji307]the flu feels so much worse when we are"of a certain age"and alone.
Get well.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[DHG]

KayC, so sorry you have the flu at this time especially.  I have been wondering how it would be when and I get sick now that I'm alone.  I don't get sick very often, but I know it will be harder now to do everything that needs to be done here now that he is gone and just being me.  Yes, and it only accentuates our aloneness.  I hope you feel better soon.

[foreverhis]

Oh no, Kay.  I really think I'm going to have to have a little chat with God.  You've been through and are going through enough, too much.  And now flu on this already horrible day?  You know, there's "Life isn't fair," but there's also, "What the...?"

I'm sending you all my comforting, caring thoughts.  It does drive home how alone we are now.

Something I'm dealing with emotionally today is that it seems to me as if no one in my life has any awareness that 2 horrific days are coming up for me in the next few weeks.  I know it's partly on me for putting on the brave face and acting like I'm functioning.  But I wish that someone I love, anyone at this point, would tell me they know how hard these next weeks will be for me.  Even as I realize I'm full of self-pity right now, I ask myself, "Why shouldn't I be?  I lost everything."  Sigh.  I just miss him so much.

[tlc]

So sorry to hear that you have flu Kay. Drink lots and sleep if you can. I dread getting sick now that I am alone.

This being alone thing is awful. I had to go to the dentist yesterday, on my own for the first time in twenty years.  I had an anxiety attack when there. Now find that I will need more work done, so more trips. I just wonder how I am going to get through all this alone until the end thing!

[KayC]

It's very hard being alone when you're feeling your worst, the feeling that the one person who would have cared and taken care of us is gone.

One day at a time...still.

[LeannC45]

23 hours ago, KayC said:

Today is 14 years since he left.  My plans to keep busy backfired, I came down with a horrid flu yesterday, have never felt worse.  Even had to cancel celebrating my daughter's birthday, I'm miserable.  And of course it always drives home how alone we are...

KayC, I hope you get better quickly. So sorry that you caught that horrid flu. My sister and her kids just got over it a couple weeks ago. Baby yourself and know that good vibes are being sent your way for a speedy recovery.

[Sunflower2]

Although I'm not here often I continue to send warm comforting thoughts to everyone beginning this journey.  

Your journey will get lighter.  It is difficult to put into words where I am today.  It is not necessary to.  It will be 2 years in September.  I can't imagine how I made it through to this point but I did, as you will. The initial pain and memories of the trauma of the sudden loss do return but I now have begun to focus on what is in my life now. Re-directing that focus does take energy.  It is time. It diffuses the suffering. I could not even see this as possible until a few months ago. Do not expect yourself to be in this place where I am.  Honor where you are at this moment, in this pain.   In love I move forward as those beginning this journey will too. In your own way. In your own time.   Our paths our different.  How we navigate through our grief will be different.

My heart bleeds for those beginning this journey.  I was there.  It is and will always be the worse nightmare I've had to experience in this lifetime. 

and yes there is still pain....and deep sadness. Now It will not define me or overshadow the relationship I had with my partner. 

~Sunflower~ xo

[Sunflower2]

On ‎6‎/‎19‎/‎2019 at 1:53 PM, foreverhis said:

Something I'm dealing with emotionally today is that it seems to me as if no one in my life has any awareness that 2 horrific days are coming up for me in the next few weeks. 

Try to reach out and let those close to you know that the next 2 weeks will be very difficult for you and ask for their understanding.  

[Billie Rae]

@Foreverhis my heart is with you Love.
I've not been posting lately,I'm in a strange place where I just don't care.Not sad,just don't really feel anything.
I'll get over it.
But know I love you.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

On 6/19/2019 at 10:53 AM, foreverhis said:

it seems to me as if no one in my life has any awareness that 2 horrific days are coming up for me in the next few weeks.

You can share them with us, and as Sunflower said, don't hesitate to talk to those close to you about how hard they will be.  One of my favorite Dr. Phil quotes is that we teach people how to treat us...and although I know he didn't intend it for these special circumstances, it can fit here too.  We have to let people know what we need/expect from them, they tend not to think of it on their own.  That's a shortcoming I have, I'm too independent for my own good.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I'm in a strange place where I just don't care.Not sad,just don't really feel anything.

You're at one of the hardest times timeline wise.  This is a damn hard reality to get used to.  You may feel you've said it all.  Even if you don't feel like posting, I hope you'll still come here and read.  We want to be here for you.  And although you tend to be a bright spot to everyone else's lives, you don't have to be, you know.  You can just "be" and we'll care for you the same.  (((hugs)))

[Billie Rae]

@Kayc thank you love.
I think maybe I had all these emergency things to take care of,his papers and bills and getting out of the house and finding and setting up a new home had me in overdrive and now it's all done so my heart and brain have gone on vacation.
The only time I'm good is at work so I'm looking for a weekend client,it will serve 2 purposes,paying down credit cards and keeping my brain going.
I walk a lot now and the outside feels great.
Love you all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@Billie Rae  Hi dear..have wondered how your doing...I agree with kay, I remember around 6 month time being harder for awhile and then it eased up. I also dont post as often but do read almost daily. The forum seems quieter lately...especially weekends but it being summer, know people are outside more.  Thinking of you, hugs and love. Jeanne

[KayC]

I hope you find your weekend client!

I too have noticed the quiet here and on my other grief forum lately.  It seems to cycle.

[jet]

It's been 14 months since my husband passed away from a freak accident. I still cry every day. I miss him so much. He is my best friend and soulmate. I talk to him every day and I know he listens, I did a lot of research into the spiritual world and I felt I made a connection with him. His energy is still with me. I felt that this process helps me to start healing. It will be a long, long road to recovery. He will always be in my heart. I met someone last December. He cares for me but it has been difficult for him as he wanted me to love him like I love my husband but I was not ready.

[Billie Rae]

@jet
If that's what your new friend wants he will always be disappointed because as one who's been through this twice,we never love the same way.Maybe as much but not the same.
Its not possible to love different people exactly the same as they are not the same person as we are not the same either as we were before.
I loved both of my deceased husbands but each in a different way,One was young love full of passion and laughter the other was a mature quiet contentment.
I hope if you feel good about this new relationship you feel comfortable talking to him about change and in time you may be ready,I hope so.
I feel blessed to have had both my guys.
Hugs to you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Yes to what Billie Rae said!  Work on building a friendship, he'll need to be patient.  He's being jealous...tells me he needs to learn about grief.

Maybe you could share these articles with him for starters:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/11/in-grief-being-there-for-someone-in.html
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/02/in-grief-finding-new-love-after-death.html (note:see the many links to applicable articles) 

 

[jet]

Thank you Billie Rae and KayC for your responses. 

I too have been through this twice. The second time was even harder than the first time. I was so happy to be given a second chance. We had a great marriage for 9 years! And then everything came to a crushing end. It is a long, long road to recovery. I am a strong person but strong people can be and need to be weak too. I will forward him the links.