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Trigger after trigger


chincube

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It's nearly 10 weeks that he's been gone, and I have been trying to be in a somewhat "normal" state.

3 weeks ago a friend since I was 13 told me her mother passed away suddenly. We did sleepovers, hangout at her home when we were teens, so I have known her parents since young. After we grew up we still meet up and sometimes her mom would come and chat a bit too. To be honest, still it was not her mom's death that affected me, it was the grief that I could feel for her. At the funeral I just couldn't stop crying, I suspect everyone just thought I was crazy. I couldn't bring myself to see her in the coffin too, I just cannot see a person's body which her spirit left it. During the service I just kept on thinking the funeral of my boyfriend that I did not get to attend, his lifeless body that I did not get to look at for the last time, I didn't get to kiss him the last time, hold his hand the last time.

Then there's some huge political protest in my hometown right now, in the past I would have joined, but I did not have the strength anymore. Things got ugly yesterday and police got violent towards unarmed students and protestors who didn't even get violent, nobody was attacking policement nobody was breaking anything, nobody set anything on fire, protestors retreated into a high class shopping mall and nobody robbed or damaged one single shop. But the police used pepper, then tear gas (hundreds of them), and then used rubber bullets and beanbag rounds - aiming at people's heads not their legs. I was having panic attacks just watching live news videos, fearing someone would die. I probably shouldn't have clicked covered videos on facebook, seeing blood kept flooding out of a young boy's mouth, I just lost it. There are people who loves each of these kids, and if anything happen to any of them, sadly I can imagine their pain.

These pushed me back to day 1 last night. I thought I was doing ok, but for the whole night I just kept on thinking why couldn't I just die? Asking every question I had asked only a million times all over again... Now after triggered and back to square 1 after more than 2 months, it finally registered to me completely that this horrible horrible thing that happened, and all the emotions that caused by this, will never end until the day I die. Not until I can see him again. And these feelings will be triggered again and again by things that will happen to me if I don't die, someone will die before me as long as I don't die. I wish there's a button that I can push so that these all can stop....

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I am so sorry you experienced all that, I am very glad you weren't participating in the protest.  I don't know where you live and didn't see that on my local news although sometimes they show things going on elsewhere.  

You are right, their deaths change us forever...we no longer have our innocence that the world is a good place and everything is fine.  We are more aware of what could or does happen.  And it impacts us.  We view everything differently than we did before.  

That awareness can also make us in tuned towards others going through this.  I don't see it as good or bad so much as different now.  I suppose it can be either.

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I can relate to this. I have been to two funerals since Rob's funeral and both were very emotional for me. The first funeral was of a man who died at age 83. I don't know why I did it but I accompanied the coffin to the crematorium oven. It was unsettling to say the least. The second funeral was of a woman who died at age 37 after giving birth to a little daugther one day before (the girl is fine by the way). Unbelievable and so saddening.

Kay is very right about the awareness which is much stronger in us now that we have lost someone ourselves, and not just someone but our big love. We are changed forever.

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My soulmate has been gone for 8 months now and I thought I was doing better.  Yesterday I had a terrible time with my emotions - trying to deal with his vehicles sent me into a tailspin and all I could do was cry all evening.  I was so exhausted that I went to bed early.  Today my emotions are still very raw and I have had to pull myself together whilst at work.  The pain in my heart is just as strong as the day he died.  I know there will be good days and bad days but I am now realizing that things will trigger me and I'm not sure how long this will happen but I guess I have to endure it.  My heart goes out to all of us that are in this situation.  

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At 8 1/2 months I also get the trigger times. A couple weeks ago I finally went to our cottage for first time ( last time was 2 wks. before he passed) and thought I may/or may not spend night.  I went alone with my 2 dogs, big mistake.  I cried the whole 3 hrs. I spent there.  I walked around fixated on everything that was his.  It was " his" most loved place. He was everywhere I looked....you could hardly see that I had even been there also. His dog Harry sat in his recliner, he even acted different...I couldnt stay, I felt I was back to day one again.  I stopped at neighbor guys who had cut grass & trimmed for me, he even advised me to not spend the night....so I drove home (was 3 hr. round trip).  I don't even remember much of ride home, I was shaking so bad....was so relieved to be home. Harry also seemed relieved, Hazel didn't seem bothered, shes always been closer to me.  I definitely will not be going alone again, until I know I can handle it.  I feel for all of us, and hope the triggers lesson as time goes on.  Sending love to all. Jeanne

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Moment2moment

I am 13 months in from the loss of my wife of 28 years. An odd thing has begun to happen recently. 

I have begun to set out more of her things throughout the house, display photos, and even hang some of her things back in our closet.

Where these things once brought pain, they now bring comfort.

I can't explain this change, but I am grateful for it. I hope it lasts.

Love and hugs to you during this very difficult phase of grief.

 

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1 hour ago, Moment2moment said:

Where these things once brought pain, they now bring comfort.

It does work like that once we've had some time to process it so it's not so fresh.  I also find comfort in seeing George's things.  I still have his bathrobe hanging on the bathroom door where it's been all these years.  Sometimes I wrap myself in it.

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Thanks for all of you. I see that things do stack up in difficult time sometimes, and I remember reading some of you ask had personally difficult situation just when you lost your loved ones too. Sometimes I wonder, why these happened to challenge our sanity? 

I saw new posts and read stories I want to give comfort to me grieving people but I have no strength at all. 

@KayC I'm from very far away in Hong Kong. My biggest fear that someone would die because of the protest became real last night. I saw people bringing flowers today to memorise him, and I had panic attack on the street.

I've decided to stay away from social media for few days, because I feel like I'm going insane. 

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@chincube  At 10 wks. you are still very new in your loss. You cannot give comfort to others as you can barely take care of yourself...its ok.  There are others of us here that are farther along that can help with the comfort part and maybe give you hope that " it will" get better.  The deep hurting pain does lesson in intensity as time goes on.  It is a slow process...and we' d like to hurry it along but unfortunately our emotions will not allow us too.  We all seem to go through alot of the same feelings and it is very normal in this type of loss, the panic attacks happen..it may be better to stay away for now and slowly ease our way back into situations.  Even small necessary things like food shopping, work, can be be very difficult.  You may notice small changes as time moves on, a break between crying, getting your appetite back,  the physical pain in your heart may lessen, etc., changes in emotions or new different emotions. It all seems to be a part of this process and it evolves as time goes on.  At 8 1/2 months I never thought I'd get through all this but I' m still here...and my good days greatly outnumer the bad now.  Each person different in their timeline..but there is hope.  Our memories will not fade and we will always miss them but we will move forward...and acceptance and new reality will set in, with hopefully less pain. Time will be our new friend.  Thinking of you and sending hugs.  Jeanne

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5 hours ago, chincube said:

Thanks for all of you. I see that things do stack up in difficult time sometimes, and I remember reading some of you ask had personally difficult situation just when you lost your loved ones too. Sometimes I wonder, why these happened to challenge our sanity? 

I saw new posts and read stories I want to give comfort to me grieving people but I have no strength at all. 

@KayC I'm from very far away in Hong Kong. My biggest fear that someone would die because of the protest became real last night. I saw people bringing flowers today to memorise him, and I had panic attack on the street.

I've decided to stay away from social media for few days, because I feel like I'm going insane. 

Oh, that explains it, we have all seen the protests and police presence going on there, my heart goes out to  all of the brave people trying to voice themselves, it's very hard.  We've had protests in the US where the police have used pepper spray, etc. somewhat heavy handed, not all police are the same and sometimes can go overboard.  I'm very sorry for your experience.

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My soulmate has been gone for 8 months now and I thought I was doing better.  Yesterday I had a terrible time with my emotions - trying to deal with his vehicles sent me into a tailspin and all I could do was cry all evening.  I was so exhausted that I went to bed early.  Today my emotions are still very raw and I have had to pull myself together whilst at work.  The pain in my heart is just as strong as the day he died.  I know there will be good days and bad days but I am now realizing that things will trigger me and I'm not sure how long this will happen but I guess I have to endure it.  My heart goes out to all of us that are in this situation.  

My soulmates funeral was yesterday, I feel so lonely, I don’t know how I can keep going on. This nightmare is real and I can’t get away from it, I cry all the time, and today I bought his deodorant just so I could smell it.
It’s only earl6 days for me and I have a lot of support but I just can’t facing the future without him.


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com
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Sarah, 

It is early in for you...I remember that time, feeling frantic, in shock, anxiety kicked in on high, I didn't see how I could do it either, but somehow the days turned into months and the months into years...I'm still here and missing him as much as ever.  Some of the things I've been through have been hard, I know he'd be proud of me.  Can't wait until I can see him again.

You'll get through this, I know it doesn't feel that way, but you will.  We'll be here for you, you can always come here, pour out your feelings, we get it...we're living it.

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Sarah, 
It is early in for you...I remember that time, feeling frantic, in shock, anxiety kicked in on high, I didn't see how I could do it either, but somehow the days turned into months and the months into years...I'm still here and missing him as much as ever.  Some of the things I've been through have been hard, I know he'd be proud of me.  Can't wait until I can see him again.
You'll get through this, I know it doesn't feel that way, but you will.  We'll be here for you, you can always come here, pour out your feelings, we get it...we're living it.

Thank you Kay, I know you get it.



Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com
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