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MegLou

My mam was my life, now I feel like I’ve very little to live for

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MegLou

I seem to be stuck in a really dark place at the moment and I’m just looking for someone to talk to that’s maybe been through similar or can just give me advice how to get through this. 

My name is Megan, I’m 29 and lost my mother suddenly on the 23rd of May 2019. 

My father also passed away when I was 20. He died on the 13th May. 10 years and 10 days apart. 

Basically my mam was diagnosed with cervical cancer stage 2B on the 7th of February 2018 - she went through chemo and radiation and on the 9th of November 2018 she was given the all clear - she had beat cancer. From January to May my mother complained about a pain in her side - she went to her doctor several times a week and went back to the hospital about 7 times as well and they kept fobbing her off. Telling her these were just side effects ect. But she knew in her body something was wrong. So on Thursday 9th May she was in so much pain and was a bit out of sorts - so we called and ambulance - she was brought to hospital and we then found out she had a perforated bowel. She needed major surgery. So also needed another surgery to put a stent in - so she had both surgeries- which I was afraid was too much for her already, but got through them both. She went into the high dependency unit for 2 days and then to a ward where she would need to stay for about 10 days before I could take her home. On Wednesday the 22nd I was in with her and I helped her shower, got her into new pjs helped her to bed etc, have her a kiss, told her I loved her and left. I spoke to her that night and the next morning - she told he she was going to have a sleep and not to worry if I couldn’t contact her. At about 1:30 I got a text from my auntie saying to call her ASAP - I called her and she said that my mam had taken a bad turn - that I needed to get to the hospital ASAP and bring my partner with me - she said all the family were on the way - they were coming from Wexford - I made my way to the hospital and without going into all the details I didn’t see my mam again - she had passed away. I suppose I just can’t understand how she was going home the day after but she died on the Thursday. And we still don’t know the cause of death. I just can’t get my head around any of it. My mam was my best friend - we spoke every day, twice a day. I’m finding it hard to even get up. I honestly feel like I’ve nothing left to live for. She has 7 bothers and sisters and I feel like not one of them have been there for me. My friends were all there for me the week she died and the week of the funeral but everything just went back to normal after that. Like when my mam died all her family went back to wexford 4 hours later and left me here alone. They didn’t even sit with me in the church at the funeral and when it was over they went home without coming to the afters or even saying goodbye to me. 

I honestly just feel like there is nothing left here for me - I feel like I’d be better off dead and I know that’s terrible but I honestly feel like I have nothing left to live for. She was my life and now she’s gone and I don’t even know why. 

 

Megan

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reader

Dear Megan

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't give up hope my friend. People care about you and love you. I know its really hard right now and that is completely normal after losing the most important person in your life. The pain and sorrow is crippling but keep trying to take it day by day. And if you want to maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group in the community or church. 

I think you are still going through shock and I'm sure it all feels surreal. So many questions. Try to hang in there and know that the first year of grief will be the hardest. So many of felt the same way. I still struggle to this day and I found these websites helpful in understanding my grief.

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Share

Grief Recovery Method

Please know we are all with you and you can share as much as you want with us. Thinking of you

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tessa

Hi Megan,
What you are going through is quite normal. It's been only a couple of weeks and it's downright awful. It's the weirdest, most horrible feeling.
I felt like there is nothing left to live for too. I still feel that way at times and it has been nearly 2 years for me.
Just hang in there and take one day at a time. Keep busy to keep your mind occupied. It gets better with time.
One day at a time. The shock will wear away.

 

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MegLou

Thank you guys - I really appreciate it Xx

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Nicole-my grief journey

MegLou,

I am so sad for your heartbreak. All grief is individual, but I absolutely identify with you. My mom went through a lot as well. She was diagnosed with Metastatic Colon cancer. She also had two surgeries and a perforated bowel. I stayed by her side every day and we were working towards getting her well enough for chemo. She never ended up getting more chemo. She died the day before we were going to take her home from the hospital. Her liver became taken over by the cancer but the doctors never gave the indication that was happening and so it was hard to comprehend and accept. I left the hospital one night giving her my usual hugs, kisses and can’t wait to see you tomorrow and then when I got there the next day, they told me I better call the rest of my family. She passed away several hours later. It was traumatic. People were there for me up until after the funeral and then I was left in complete devastation. A few eventually circled back around to check in, but I truly felt so alone. I was unable to do anything but cry and feel like I just wanted to be with her. The yearning for her was so strong and unbearable. I put myself in therapy. It has helped with learning how to cope. That and time. Are you able to get into a grief group or see a counselor? Keep sharing on here and please continue to hold on. We care and there are people that love you. The grief will transform. I know it feels impossible, but it will. I didn’t believe that when people would say it to me (even though I’ve lost two siblings) because...this was my mother! How could I live without her!? But it’s almost a year later and I am still here. I am grieving and always will be, but it did change. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Your mind is trying to process it all and that’s why the circling thoughts and questions are happening. I never thought mine would stop and they have gotten more bearable.

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nuvar

hi Megan. I am sorry for your loss. 

It is normal for people to get back to their lives, sadly that is the reality I have faced as well. The wound is still fresh and it will take time for you to calm down.

In fact my mum's second cousins were always there when she was hospitalized but they asked me to hurry the funeral and blamed my mum's death on me.

Every grief journey is different. As mentioned by many others, you need time to process your thoughts. Do you think you can seek professional help at work/school/healthcare facility or some support group? Or perhaps you can ask your friends out, people whom you can talk to

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MegLou

Thanks Guys - today is a bad day. X I appreciate all you said but today is a bad day xx

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