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sharonbatten

partner dies

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sharonbatten

my partner les passed away 3 months ago and feels like yesterday, i miss her so much , i have noone visit me , i work to live ,

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Pim

Dear sharonbatten,

I am so sorry about your loss. The loneliness which you find yourself in is recognizable for many if not for all who have to deal with such a loss.
Would you care to tell more about your partner and /or the circumstances in which she passed away?

Although it won't bring her back, writing and interacting with people who really get what you are feeling, does help.

All the best, and once again I am so sorry for you, Pim

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foreverhis

Welcome.  I'm sorry you find yourself here with us, but hope you find it a warm and comforting place to be.  We understand the loneliness and cell-deep emotional pain you are feeling.  Some of us describe life as "existing" now, rather than living fully.  That's how it is for me.  The truth is that even though I am lucky to have a small tight circle of family and friends who have been and will be there for me, I am still lonely almost all the time.  I am lonely for my husband, best friend, lover, fellow adventurer, and soul mate.  No matter how many people are in my life, even our wonderful daughter and granddaughter, I am and will be lonely because he is not here.

There is no easy way through grief and no shortcuts.  Though each of us is unique on this unwelcome journey, we are all in it together.  For me, any notion of a linear path with an ending is utter nonsense.  Grief isn't finite and it isn't easy.  What I am trying to do is learn to live with my grief without letting it drag me down into permanent darkness.  Being here has helped me with that.

I urge you to come here and talk, question, rant, and anything else you need or want to do.  Here you will find fellow grievers who understand your loss in ways no one else in the world can.  You will find the members only want to help you however we can.  Please let us.

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Scott A

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just know you are not alone and there are many of us here to lend an ear or a shoulder.  

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Vanvan

There is no pain like losing our partner. I often find myself looking at a couple and burst into tears missing my husband. I don't believe I will ever get past losing him.I surround myself by pictures of us. It's ok to grieve, take your time to feel the loss. Remember the happy times, I know that sounds cliche. I am sorry for your loss, no words can describe the pain

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sharonbatten

I miss her so much, she is my life, my everything, my soul mate, my baby, we were together for 10 years and I can't get into my head that's she's not coming back, the house is so empty without her, 

 

 

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sharonbatten

I have no visitors just the post man 

 

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Vanvan

I started watching Netflix and listening to music for distractions. It is very hard without human support. No matter what anyone says or does the pain is unbearable 

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sharonbatten

I have photos of les and us together but it makes it difficult because I know we won't get that chance again, the pain and hurt I'm feeling without her is so unbearable 

 

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sharonbatten

I can't watch programs les used to watch or we watch together, i i

Listen to her favourite music every day and night, i hold her photo and holds her ashes, she goes wherever I go 

I wear her clothes and I sleep downstairs as I feel closer to les 

 

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sharonbatten

Her clothes, coats and shoes and fags and lighter are still in the same place as she left them, I so wish I could go with her 

 

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Vanvan

I sleep with his ashes too, I feel closeness to him that way. We just need to find a way of coping that works for us, there are no right or wrong ways of coping with loss

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sharonbatten

God I so wish she was still here, i missing her so much it hurts 

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Vanvan

I know...... I have all my husbands belonging at home where he kept them. It hurts and its ok to cry and miss them. 

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sharonbatten

God I so wish I could see her,  God it hurts so much her not being here 

 

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Vanvan

I would give anything in the world too..

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KayC

@sharonbatten  I am so sorry for your tremendous loss, I know the pain all too well, it changes everything for us, they were such an integral part of our lives.  My husband died 14 years ago on Father's Day, June 19, just after his 51st birthday.  We met in our mid 40s and only got 6 1/2 years together, I thought we'd grow old together, instead I'm growing old alone.

I'm sorry you have no visitors, you have no family nearby then?  Work gave me a place to focus for a long while but I retired 5 1/2 years ago so really had to work at trying to build a routine and life for myself.

I am glad you found this place, a forum such as this saved me in those early days following his death, it helped to have others who got it.

I wrote this at about ten years out, the things I found of value, I hope you'll print it out and read every few months to see what speaks to you then...this is a journey that is ever changing.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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sharonbatten

I have had to go back to work it doesn't help me in any way to cope,, it makes me think about her more, cus i used to ring her when I was at work now I can't, i can't deal with it anymore 

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KayC

It's all still really fresh, you haven't had time to absorb and process all these changes, it is a lot.  At this point I'd guess it's hard to focus or think straight and even functioning, doing your job is hard.  At least it was for me.  Looking for work a few months later wasn't any better.

Somehow we get through this, I don't know how except by taking a day at a time (or hour or minute) and not taking on the whole "rest of your life", it's too much.

I understand your feelings...have you talked them over with a grief counselor?

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sharonbatten

Im waiting for a bereavement counseller, i can't see the future with out her here,  i miss her so much, words cannot express how much I am missing her deep down im struggling to get through the pain inside my broken heart. Les is my life, my everything, my soul mate, my baby, we were together for 10 years and now I have nothing left anymore 

 

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KayC

I hope you can get in soon.  Very hard to make our way through this muddling on our own, a grief counselor can be like a guide.

I think we've all felt that way, I know it caught me off guard, I couldn't imagine a week without him, let alone my whole life.  I still think about and/or talk to him every day.

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