Jump to content
KayC

Living with Loss

Recommended Posts

KayC

I received his memorial stone today and have it on his grave.  I'm so glad we have him lying next to Skye, they were like brothers as they lived together for a time.  I feel better having his stone on his grave, although it was very emotional getting it and placing it there.  So hard to go through this by myself.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

This morning I emptied Arlie's water bucket, it's been 13 days...

When I picked it up, I saw a lock of his fur under the bucket.  I lost it.  I was on my way to help at the senior site...I bawled the whole way.  But not before I put his fur in a little ziploc bag and put it in my purse.  It smells of him.  My sweet baby, oh God how I wish I could start our lives over together and have that time with him yet to experience!  My little wild-eyed boy.

  • Hugs 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
+Jeffrey+
2 hours ago, KayC said:

This morning I emptied Arlie's water bucket, it's been 13 days...

When I picked it up, I saw a lock of his fur under the bucket.  I lost it.  I was on my way to help at the senior site...I bawled the whole way.  But not before I put his fur in a little ziploc bag and put it in my purse.  It smells of him.  My sweet baby, oh God how I wish I could start our lives over together and have that time with him yet to experience!  My little wild-eyed boy.

Aww, I know, Kay. I still get upset as well. Been getting upset a little more lately while thinking of my little girl. It is hard. I also put some of Lady G.'s fur in a small plastic bag. I keep it up here beside me on my computer desk. I also kiss the bag every night before going to bed. LOL I miss her beyond words, as I know you feel the same about your sweet Arlie. Maybe the two of them found one another and became friends, looking down at us together and seeing just how much we love them still. 

Hang in there, Kay. 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

Thank you...I think people are beginning to think I'm a little over the edge. People do not feel about their animals as I do...I sense you do also and it makes me feel a little more normal.  I'm taking care of a neighbor's three large dogs, 2 sheep, chickens, cat, and garden this weekend...a little nervous.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
2 hours ago, KayC said:

.I think people are beginning to think I'm a little over the edge.

Well, you know I don't think so.  Let me tell you about when we suddenly lost our Charlie.  My strong, usually calm and somewhat stoic husband paced around the surgical area crying while our vet, who was wonderful, tried to save him. But Charlie had developed a pulmonary edema for no discernible reason and nothing could be done.  I had never before seen my sweetheart lose it like that.  He kept sobbing, "No, no, no..." and when we got home we both collapsed in tears.  Later, while I went to tell my mom, who loved Charlie and had just lost my dad 6 months before, my husband went through the house and picked up all of Charlie's things.  He hung his collar and lead in the bedroom, but put everything else away.  When I got back, there he was in his chair crying, stroking our very upset cat, and absolutely destroyed with grief.  We all three, including the cat, grieved for a pretty long time.  Years later, I let my husband read some of my poetry.  He came to one about Charlie and started crying just as if no time had passed since we lost him.

People who haven't had that kind of a bond with an animal find it strange and incomprehensible that we can love and feel that depth of loss.  They just don't get that our pets give us so much love and companionship, while asking only to be loved in return.  Of course, not all pets are the same.  It takes just the right pet with just the right person.  We know we'll lose them someday, but the grief is no less when it happens.  All we can do is our best to make the months and years matter.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TAM1
2 hours ago, KayC said:

Thank you...I think people are beginning to think I'm a little over the edge. People do not feel about their animals as I do...I sense you do also and it makes me feel a little more normal.  I'm taking care of a neighbor's three large dogs, 2 sheep, chickens, cat, and garden this weekend...a little nervous.

I don't think so - not at all!  Out babies are just that and the loss is tremendous for you, so take your time and whatever you are feeling and doing, is fine. I've kept three of Missy's favorite stuffed animals and feel that I will forever miss Li'l Golden Missy Moon Child's (or the many others names she had) closeness and companionship.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

I had a hard time letting go of Duck.  He had a special fondness for it, like my daughter did with her "Little Bear" when she was a little girl.

  • Hugs 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AJWCat

I understand that - it was nice you left it with him. Of all our cat's things I took this large mouse with a pink tail. I still have it. Besides photos, it is all I have. At this point, 2 years later, I have not gotten rid of it. Our cat we have now actually played with it the other day which made me happy. 

As for crying after seeing his fur under the water bucket, that would be all it take for me. I would lose it. I didn't think it was possible for a human to cry as much as I did. Felt like I was setting a world record. :(

I am sure you feel the same.

Hope the weekend taking care of those animals is going well. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis

You all may have seen this already today, but I thought it was great and had to share.

 

1030157108_Dogheaven.gif.37773bb46d4582dd937d3ccecfb2456c.gif

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

That is so sweet, I love that, thank you!  I'm sharing it on FB!

The living with loss continues...I keep expecting to see him on the loveseat or wanting to give him my "last bite of food."  It's still so hard to believe I won't see him any more.  :(

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

Had something strange happen today...I came home from working at the church and Arlie's recliner by the window, the footstool was out.  I haven't sat on it, the cat was outside all day, it wasn't like that when I left...made me wonder.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

Last night I dreamed about losing Arlie, all night long, it was horrible.  I wake up and it's real...the thing I've feared most since I met him.  I can't wake up from this dream.  :(

  • Hugs 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

We are having a tremendous thunder & lightening storm, lasting 36 hours, with wind gusts and rain.  Extreme fire danger with the lightening.  Someone posted on FB about their dog being afraid of thunder...it seems everything triggers my loss.  Arlie wasn't afraid of it, he was so self-assured, it was pleasant.  My previous dog had been scared of everything.  He did have separation anxiety but if he was in his security zone (doghouse, pen, or in the house with me), he was fine.  I miss that boy so much.  He was just one of a kind.  I realize now that my never minding being alone was largely because I had him here with me.  Now I'm truly alone...reaching out to God.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

Yesterday was three weeks Arlie has been gone.  I'm having a hard time with it, I hope he knows how much I love him, how I wanted him here with me always, I feel bad that his Colitis diet fed the cancer, but I also know if he hadn''t been on the Colitis diet he was, he would not have lived as long as he did, we were just damned if we did, damned if we didn't, it's a horrible position to be in.  I love Arlie more than life and wish I could have him back, cancer free, it's so unfair that such a good dog should have to suffer like he did.  The pain in my heart is incredible, my BS has been up throughout this whole ordeal, I'm sure my BP is too.  Trying to get through each day without him, it's beyond hard.  I keep looking out over my backyard at his grave.  Oh Arlie, I know you aren't there, how I long to see you again, your spirit, your personality, I miss you so much!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
On 9/2/2019 at 3:00 PM, KayC said:

Had something strange happen today...I came home from working at the church and Arlie's recliner by the window, the footstool was out.  I haven't sat on it, the cat was outside all day, it wasn't like that when I left...made me wonder.

For years, whenever I would stand at the counter chopping carrots or apples, I could swear I felt a cool, wet nose nudge the back of my knee.  More than once, I was sure I could feel him in the room.

See, we didn't feed Charlie from the table, but we did put treats like bits of cooked chicken or crumbled crispy fish skin in his bowl.  And he was allowed to "clean up" if I dropped certain things.  He'd always come in behind me, but didn't want to startle me or get stepped on, so he'd stick his nose into the back of my knee to say,  "I'm here, mom.  I've got your back.  If you drop something, I'm on it!"

I really believe they're letting us know that they're okay and will be waiting when it's our time.  I felt the tiniest bit of comfort when I told my husband that it was okay to stop fighting and he should go find Charlie and Penny.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

This particular recliner was his, he always sat in it to look out the window.  When he sat in it it was extremely rare for it to recline as you have to pull the lever...it took more effort than just accident to recline it, that's one reason it made me wonder, unlike my recliner that comes out if you breath wrong!  The fact that it was HIS, too...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

I am still bawling every day.  Everything is a reminder of how much I miss him.  He was the perfect dog for me, there is none like him.  I hope he knows how much I love him and that I didn't want to euthanize him, I hope he doesn't feel betrayed.  I don't know that I'll be at peace with this until heaven.  I still struggle with eating and not being able to give him the "last bite."  My home feels so empty.  :(

I finally heard from that dog rescue I inquired of, they want me to drive 3 1/2 hours to stand in line before 6 am, to maybe get a dog that may or may not be good with cats.  They can't be bothered to check that out.  They should have known that before they listed him!  $550 for a mutt! No guarantees they won't sell him to someone else first.  They've cut off the "holding him" part because of THEIR lack of response in time!  I tried getting them to answer my question for TWO weeks!  I am still bawling over Arlie and it feels hopeless I'll ever get a dog.  The humane society just has chihuahuas and pit bulls, the ones I'd consider are on a "found" list for three months and they won't even show them, let alone adopt them out.  Their fosters get first pick.  And the other rescue places I checked require you live within 30 miles of Eugene, I'm 60-75 miles away depending on where in Eugene.  It's ridiculous. I looked on Craig's list, unless I'm willing to take a Chihuaua or Pit Bull or something large, nope.  Cats everywhere, but not dogs.  I had the perfect dog for me, perfect.  :( 

  • Hugs 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
4 hours ago, KayC said:

I had the perfect dog for me, perfect. 

Yes, you did.  I'm going to speak for Arlie for a moment. 

If he could, I believe he would thank you for sharing your love with him and tell you that he loves you with all his heart and soul.  He'd tell you that he had a full, rich life and that you gave him more than he could ever have imagined.  He'd make sure you know that he too wishes you had had more years together, but that your sacrifice in doing the right thing for him, letting him leave for the next world still surrounded by your love, was the greatest gift you could have given him.  He'd remind you that you put him first, which is not a betrayal, but a confirmation of your love for him.

The day you are reunited with George and Arlie, they will tell you that you never let them down and that they are and will always be your soul mates.  (Yes, I believe we have more than one and that we "complete" each other in different ways.)

Based on your description, I'm rather disgusted with the rescue organization.  While I know that most do want the animals they rescue and adopt out to be close enough that they can check on their welfare at times, a 30 mile restriction is absurd, especially in rural areas.  We had considered rescuing a lovely Keeshond from the same family line as our Charlie, but we're 180 miles from the rescue group.  We would have gladly taken him to check in with them a few times during the first year, but they wanted to be able to do spot inspections.  We're in a mostly rural area, so the odds of finding and adopting a rescue animal locally are pretty small.

Kay, please, please eat whether you want to or not.  Take care of yourself.  Remember that when (or if) the time is right, you will find a companion to share your life, your love, and your home.  You have so much love to share that I am certain your heart will feel when it is right.

Big warm comforting hugs are coming to you from me, today and always.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

I recently took care of a neighbor's three dogs, one is Joe, the chow I walk, the other is a Keeshond/Husky, if I could find a dog like her I would glady adopt as she's small enough for me to handle but has the Husky talk, which I love, and is a beautiful sweet dog.  VERY hard to find!

I am taking care of myself, no need to worry there.  I am discouraged, of course, I don't know how I could feel otherwise.  This has been a very difficult time, since June 6.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
6 hours ago, KayC said:

the other is a Keeshond/Husky,

What a great mix.  If you do end up with a Kees or Kees mix, you will have a treasure.  They were bred to protect the family, especially the children, on the barges in the Netherlands.  They're generally smart and can learn many word and sentences.  Our Charlie was particularly sharp, knew hundreds of words and phrases, and had very specific ways of telling us what he wanted or needed.  He was gentle and protective of the whole family.

Kees are wonderful companions.  Our vet sat us down when we brought Charlie in for his first well puppy check up and made sure we understood that Kees need people, that they can't just be put out in the yard and left alone.  My husband had had Kees before, so we already knew the drill.  Our Charlie the perfect furry boy for our family.

I hope you find just the right new companion to fill your heart with love.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

It could take me a year or so to find a dog, I'm realizing that now, it's going to take looking and patience.  The other dog they have is nice too, 70 lbs. short fur, curled up tail, forgot what she said he was, something I'd never heard of before.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

Joe bit me yesterday, three times in succession, no warning, no growl, no curled upper lip, nothing.  I cried because Arlie never would have done that, never.  It really surprised me.  I don't feel the same now because I can't trust him.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AJWCat

Oh no! Are you okay?? That must have hurt - unless they were softer warning bites?

I guess you cannot trust him, no. So sorry please be careful. The right dog will come at the right time KayC. I just know it.

And about your comment it's "so sad that such a good dog would have to suffer." I know. At least Arlie didn't suffer longer - alone or without you.

I feel the same way about our cat.That at the end he'd go through such agony. Thank God it was only for a couple hours. Thank God we were there at least to get him help and put him down once saving him seemed impossible. Thank God we had 10 pretty good years. But his last year had a lot of vet visits, teeth cleaning, and he had a cyst on his tail we had operated on and he had a cone for his last month. I wish I had not done any of it because it didn't matter, it was just stress and suffering. But like you always say, we do the best we can with what we know. At least we try our best for these innocent animals and you sure did. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

I understand.  I kind of wonder if I shouldn't have had Arlie euthanized sooner, but all the second guessing really doesn't help, we do our best with the wee bit of knowledge we have, and everything we do comes from our hearts.

I had a long talk with the owner last night, I wish they'd shared more of his backstory with me in the beginning.  He is a good dog that has been through a LOT and I wish him only the best.  The bite/s hurt at the time but not later, it hurt my feelings the most.  Yesterday he looked at me thoughtfully and gave me a kiss, it meant a lot.  I will be much more careful around him in the future.

I'm realizing it could take a year and a lot of looking to find the right dog for me, and a whole lot of patience.

  • Hugs 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AJWCat

It might take that long although you never know. I guess in the end I was glad we couldn't adopt right away. Although had a homeless kitten/cat stumbled onto our porch I'd have taken him immediately. But I had so much grief to process. Shopping for the new cat's food and toys had me in tears. (Supposed to be a happy day, I was still so upset.)

I'm glad you talked to the dog's owner more and got more info. Sorry it happened. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.