Living with Loss

[A.P. Hill]

Kay, he/she looks like a real sweetheart.  

[KayC]

His name is Kodie.  When my son called, he sent me pictures and wanted me to choose, we both ultimately picked this one and the first name that popped into my head is Kodie.  I later found out the owner had called him Kobie but when my son had the tag made, he accidentally put Kodie...when I told him that was the name I'd thought of for him, he was stunned.  Also, he was born on my birthday, Oct. 7!  When I was crying because of missing Arlie so, this one was being born.  

Only slept two hours, couldn't get to sleep, then my DIL called at 3:45 am.  I'm going to be dragging!  Can't get this little guy to pee outside or eat much of anything.  Caught Kitty eating his food though.

[AJWCat]

Oh my goodness he is the cutest thing ever!!! You probably won't sleep well for a while since you now have a new baby! :)- At least you can nap here and there. Hope he starts eating. And he'll certainly be potty trained eventually. He is so young just 8 weeks so yeah, it takes a bit as you know. 

[TAM1]

Oh My!!  This is adorable!  So excited for you!

[KayC]

Last night I dreamed Arlie came back and I was told I had to pick between the two...another 10 1/2 years with Arlie or this little guy.  Of course I chose Arlie, but then I said, "Don't even go there, it's like trying to pick between your kids!  I've had Arlie longer and of course built an amazing relationship with him, but I also love this little guy too."

[KayC]

Four months ago today, my sweet boy, you met your rest, the best dog that ever was.  The love I have for you is immeasurable, my beautiful sweet boy.  I miss your smile so much, I miss everything about you.  I just hope you know how much I appreciate you and you will never be forgotten.  I pray I can be united with you again.

[AJWCat]

Time goes by so slowly and yet fast too. Four months already. How is the new little guy doing? 

I had a lot of emotions the first few weeks of having our little kitty. I didn't feel "guilty" but it brought back all kinds of memories, comparisons and grief anyway - not sure why. We actually adopted her two years ago tomorrow.   

[KayC]

Hard to believe it's been two years since you wrote saying you'd adopted a kitty.  This little one is just a baby, still makes suckling movements in his sleep, and it's like having a baby around, have to watch him every minute, he's always chewing on something.  When he sounds quiet, I know to look.

[AJWCat]

It is like having a baby! I am sure he keeps you plenty busy. I still feel with a 4 year cat like I have a toddler because she needs a lot of entertaining. Play time involves me and a feather/wand. 

[KayC]

Yeah, I need to find a laser light but alas just went to town and didn't think of it (I'm 50 miles from shopping).  He has so many toys but investigates everything!  Christmas tree especially...Kitty is holed up on top of the dryer where he can't reach.  Poor Kitty!

[AJWCat]

Well it's keeping her on her toes, literally!

[KayC]

She's so old, I think she just wants to rest in peace, I hadn't intended to get a puppy because of her...now I'm discovering I'm in the same boat as her...tired.  He is literally a ball of energy!

[TAM1]

Merry Christmas, Kay!  Thinking of you with your pup and kitty. 

 

[+Jeffrey+]

Kay, wishing you a Merry Christmas. And I sure hope you and the new little one are getting along well.

 

[KayC]

Just noticed that this didn't post but it came up in the editor:

 

Quote

Thank you, Tam!  So many people make over this pup, he is adorable, but I felt the most beautiful to look at was my Arlie with his ever present smile...missing him, even as I enjoy Kodie.  It's with mixed emotions all together at once.  Kitty isn't doing well, seems like she's not feeling good, skin and bones, she came and cuddled with me when I was on the toilet this morning.  Weird I know, but that's her chosen time to cuddle, go figure.  She hasn't done that in a while.  I'm glad she reached out to me...you know cats, they do the choosing, of time, ways, and people.

I feel blessed to have little Kodie. 

Kitty isn't feeling well and I'm worried about losing her.  She even turned down Easy Cheese last night and usually she's demanding it.  She's been more affectionate and purring but just isn't feeling well...I'm worried she's going to die.  At 25 I know I can't expect much longer, but it's never a good time.

 

[KayC]

This morning I am wishing my sweet Arlie a Happy New Year's and missing him so much.  I decided to go through my pictures of animals and organize them with a folder for each one...in so doing, I saw all the pictures of Arlie and it broke my heart for missing him all over again.  I ran across this picture and I love the smile.  So precious, my beautiful boy.

[A.P. Hill]

Kay, absolutely beautiful picture of Arlie.  Going through and organizing pictures of our beloved pets does indeed trigger an emotional response, but is something we all must do to honor the love we have for them and the love they gave us in return.

Warmest regards,

Steve

[AJWCat]

I'm so sorry about kitty.  I hope she has a better day and gets some cheese today. 

[KayC]

The vet only comes up once a week on Wednesdays, because it's been three weeks since they've been up, they're all full this Wednesday so I set an appt. for the next one, 1/15.  She has only been on one car ride in her life and bellowed loudly the entire time so I hate to take her out of town, which is a lot of time for her to be in a carrier traveling.  If she worsens I'll have no choice.  Today she ate all her canned food, I'll keep an eye on her dry food consumption.  And she's still eating her easy cheese.  I've just never seen a cat that is a skeleton before and my heart is grieved.

I just feel like my whole life is about loss.  Arlie and Kitty and I were a happy cozy family, I've lost Arlie and now within months will lose Kitty?!  It looks that way.  She can't keep living with no meat on her bones.  She's been vomiting saliva and bits of catfood. Her stools have changed, she's had a couple of accidents, which she'd never had in her life, she's losing her balance at times and falls when she tries to jump up on something, it's just heartbreaking.  Last night when Kodie went to bed she came up and sat next to me and let me love her for a minute.  Then she found a quiet place to go lay down and sleep.

[AJWCat]

Oh no. It doesn't sound good at all. I am so so sorry.

I think I mentioned, the loss I had 2-1/2 years ago has me with a low grade worry all the time about our young little cat. Paranoia. It's like PTSD.  

I wish the timing weren't what it is for you. I remember when I first joined the forum you knew Kitty wouldn't last too much longer. Maybe she stayed to help you through with Arlie and now - at the old age of 25 - it's obviously her body shutting down. Sweet kitty. I hate that you are going through this!!   

[KayC]

Thank you...we've traveled this road together.  She has gotten sick before and recovered, but never anything like this, with her body having a very bad odor and losing so much weight.  I'm afraid of what the next few days brings.  She''s never stayed sick this long or this bad.

[+Jeffrey+]

Kay, I sure hate reading that about your dear Kitty. Breaks my heart reading that. I hope and pray Kitty will pull through this, once again. You've been through so many tough losses, I sure hope you have a few caring family members, or friends, to be there for you during these difficult times. Then again, if you're anything like me, you just want to be left alone, to grieve. 

Wishing you and Kitty the very best, Kay. 

[A.P. Hill]

Kay:

This is so heartbreaking.  I do not understand why one person has to suffer so much grief in such a short period of time.  I will be thinking of you often during this time and know that you are in my prayers.

Hugs,

Steve 

 

[KayC]

Thank you, I wrote about it in a new thread for her.  My son just had surgery and I can't reach my daughter so no I don't have anyone here with me, but my friend Laurel went with me today and also helped me bury her, I will forever be grateful for that.  It's the hardest thing in the world.    I buried her next to Arlie.  She weighed less than 4 1/2 lbs, down from 9.

 

[TAM1]

Kay - so very sorry and sad to hear.  Please be good to yourself.  

[KayC]

It been five months today, sweet Arlie, since you passed.  It's hard for me to grasp that it could be that long ago when it feels you just left.  It's the hardest thing in the world, missing you.  I talk to you all the time, I wonder if you can hear me.  I hope I don't sadden you with my tears...I hope you are able to realize that someday I will see how things went for you and that you're happy and that your perspective on "the other side" is so much greater than mine is right now.  I love you, sweet boy.  You are the best dog in the world, I cherish every moment I got to spend with you.  We made so many memories together in our short 10 1/2 years together.  I am so glad you got to be MY little boy.  I love your effervescent smile, your personality and I miss your goofiness...you always made me smile and brightened my day.

I hope you've made dog friends and you can get to know your brothers and sister, Skye, Teddy, Fluffy, and Lucky, most gone before you.  You have a new brother, Kodie, I hope he follows in your footsteps with goofiness, I always loved that about you.  My wonderful big sweet little boy, my love for you will never diminish. Kitty's body lays besides yours now.  Just yesterday I placed her memorial stone in the snow above her grave.  It's hard to believe, our family of three...changed in such a short span of time.

I hope you find my husband George to give you lots of belly rubs and join in your fun with you.  You will love him.

[+Jeffrey+]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

It been five months today, sweet Arlie, since you passed.  It's hard for me to grasp that it could be that long ago when it feels you just left.  It's the hardest thing in the world, missing you.  I talk to you all the time, I wonder if you can hear me.  I hope I don't sadden you with my tears...I hope you are able to realize that someday I will see how things went for you and that you're happy and that your perspective on "the other side" is so much greater than mine is right now.  I love you, sweet boy.  You are the best dog in the world, I cherish every moment I got to spend with you.  We made so many memories together in our short 10 1/2 years together.  I am so glad you got to be MY little boy.  I love your effervescent smile, your personality and I miss your goofiness...you always made me smile and brightened my day.

I hope you've made dog friends and you can get to know your brothers and sister, Skye, Teddy, Fluffy, and Lucky, most gone before you.  You have a new brother, Kodie, I hope he follows in your footsteps with goofiness, I always loved that about you.  My wonderful big sweet little boy, my love for you will never diminish. Kitty's body lays besides yours now.  Just yesterday I placed her memorial stone in the snow above her grave.  It's hard to believe, our family of three...changed in such a short span of time.

I hope you find my husband George to give you lots of belly rubs and join in your fun with you.  You will love him.

Kay, it is hard to believe Arlie has been gone for 5 months! Seems like only days ago you told us the news. Wow! And I can't believe a year has already gone by since losing my Lady G. A lot of time passes us by due to us not focusing on much anything, other than our dear little friends. I know I didn't sleep much the first few months after losing my little girl. And I didn't want to do anything, or go anywhere. All I could do is sit around and cry. In disbelief that my little girl was gone. Her loss has been one of the hardest I've had to go through in my entire life. And I certainly do understand what you are going through as well. It will get better, and you know that yourself. You've been through several difficult loses, and you will get through these dark days too.

Keeping you in my thoughts, Kay. Bless you!

[KayC]

17 hours ago, +Jeffrey+ said:

Her loss has been one of the hardest I've had to go through in my entire life.

It is, I've felt that way too.  Losing Arlie felt just like when I lost my husband only George's death was sudden/unexpected.  I had some time to process with Arlie but it didn't seem to help much, it just felt like a horrid nightmare and a dagger through my heart.  Worrying about him, desperate to keep him with me as long as I could, desperately scratching and clawing at anything that might help him, milk thistle, SAM-e, hemp oil, his probiotics, trying anything to get him to eat while trying to stave off Colitis attacks, a hard balance to find.  I didn't realize how much I'd been worried about him until he died.  

I love that boy more than anything in the world, I hope he knows that.  I hope wherever his spirit is, he feels my love for him.  I pray that for your Lady G. too.

[KayC]

This week came and went marking the 11th anniversary of my adopting Arlie...the best decision I ever made.  Normally I'd buy him a new toy, he loved new toys!  I'd fix something special for him to eat and we'd celebrate together.  This is the first year this time has been anti-climatic, without him here to to celebrate with.  I can't begin to express how deeply I miss him.  My sweet Arlie, I wish there was a way I could connect with you.

[AJWCat]

So sorry. I know. 

[KayC]

2/14 is when we celebrated his birthday with a new toy, a treat, a trip to the park.  This year it'll be a day like any other.    2/16 it's six months since he died.  Hard week.  So many memories.  I still picture him laying on the couch, smiling.  He had that ever-present beautiful smile.  He was the most beautiful dog in the world.  I used to just gaze at him, he warmed my heart.  The yearning inside of me is never-ending, I miss my baby.

[TAM1]

You were graced with beautiful Arlie - as I was with Missy. When someone comes over they see her photo and even if that was not out on display to treasure, I'd never forget her smile and presence. And it's important to remember his birth date, more so than when he passed (not that it is not important). 

[KayC]

2/3/09 is when I adopted Arlie, it will always be a special day of remembrance to me.  So will the day we celebrated his birth day, my sweet Valentine.  

My Kodie was born on my birthday so we will get to share in that the rest of our lives.  And Dec. 10 his adoption day will always be special.  

I never knew the day or month of Kitty's birth, only that it was 1994.  And I don't have the day I met her or that I got possession of her, I didn't know it would be permanent to make note of it, only the approximation of time.  But all of our pets, no matter whether we know these dates are not, we celebrated each day of their lives.  We who love them, to us they were the most important special members of our family.  We gave them our best, and them...just being who they were was the best gift they could give us.

[KayC]

Today would be your 12th birthday, sweet Arlie.  I wish I was giving you a new toy and a treat and a ride to the park instead of talking to a grave.  I miss you, you'll always be my Valentine.  I love you so much, Arlie.

[KayC]

Missing you, Sweet Boy.  Yesterday I had to have your pen worked on as the post that holds the door broke from all the years of you riding it and slamming it shut to get your treat.  Now I need it for Kodie but can't bring myself to call it Kodie's pen, it will forever be Arlie's pen, Arlie's fence, Arlie's doghouse.  I tell him about his big brother, how much the two of you would have enjoyed each other!  At least before you got so sick, you wouldn't have wanted a puppy around then.  I'm glad you're not suffering anymore Sweet Boy and pray you're at peace...until I can be with you.  I love you, Arlie.  I'll always love you.

[+Jeffrey+]

Hope you're doing at least a little better, Kay. And hope everything is going well with Kodie. It's amazing how much we miss our little angels, isn't it. I do still occasionally shed tears for my dear Lady G. - I miss that sweet, little girl beyond words, and will do so for the rest of my life.

Keep hanging in there, Kay.

[KayC]

I'm still going through it, wondering if it'll ever subside a bit, my heart just aches for him.  Oh why didn't I have his glands checked out!  He had his physicals so I assumed everything was okay because the vet had checked him out, right?!  I don't know how he missed it but my assumption was wrong.  I would give anything to have Arlie back!  The pain is incredible to live with.    

I do enjoy and love Kodie but I also have a deathly fear of losing him, I just couldn't take it again, can't even get through my broken heart over Arlie.  I've never felt this kind of grief before except when I lost my husband...and I've lost 23 dogs and cats.

I know you miss your girl, it just doesn't seem to go away, does it.  We have to live with this and it's so hard to...knowing I'll never be over him.

[AJWCat]

KayC, it does subside ever so slowly but Arlie was so special even when the sharp pain goes away, the heart aches. I know it's true for me. AND, re: Kodie - that's exactly how I've felt about my "new kitty" (2 + years new now.) I am paranoid over losing her. It's worth it though. Not have her? Not give her a home? No way. But I get paranoid anyway. I'm starting to be better but I think it's normal after such a traumatic loss. 

[KayC]

It's been over seven months, my Little Boy, and I can honestly say I have never loved nor missed anyone like I do you.  My sweet boy, I miss giving you a kiss atop your head as  you lay smiling on the couch.  Kodie lays there now, he takes up a tiny spot whereas you stretch across the whole thing.  I miss you sweet baby, you were my life!  The day I adopted you was one of the best days of my life.  The years following I was so lucky to spend them with you.  Oh why oh why can't dogs live longer!  So unfair!  You and Kitty both gone from me now, we were a family, it's hard to believe everything changed so fast.  

[KayC]

This morning I heard Kodie crunching on something and investigated to see what it was...it was a couple of Arlie's shed nails...I don't know how/where he found them as I've washed his bed and vacuumed thoroughly many times since he died.  I started crying.  I told Arlie I love and miss him and he'll never be replaced, never.  Kodie saw my tears and distress and came over to give me some love and assurance.  Sweet little puppy.  I still hold Arlie's coat, I miss him with everything within my being.

[AJWCat]

I found white cat hairs for so so long after. I still have my guy's favorite catnip banana and our little girl "discovered" it finally - decided to pay attention to it. I was kind of glad b/c he didn't get much use out of it before he left us. Thank God you have a little one to love you as you grieve.  

[+Jeffrey+]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

This morning I heard Kodie crunching on something and investigated to see what it was...it was a couple of Arlie's shed nails...I don't know how/where he found them as I've washed his bed and vacuumed thoroughly many times since he died.  I started crying.  I told Arlie I love and miss him and he'll never be replaced, never.  Kodie saw my tears and distress and came over to give me some love and assurance.  Sweet little puppy.  I still hold Arlie's coat, I miss him with everything within my being.

I know you miss him dearly, Kay. You always will. I will always miss my little girl, too. And I still get upset often, especially when I see a cat that looks like her. It don't take much for me start shedding tears. I just miss her so much. I am out back around her grave every day. Got some tiny rose buds on the rose bushes, that should bloom soon. At least I hope so. If I could just get some nice grass to grow back there, it would look so much better.

Glad to hear Kodie and you are getting along well. That's awesome! Give him a hug for me!

 

1 hour ago, AJWCat said:

I found white cat hairs for so so long after. I still have my guy's favorite catnip banana and our little girl "discovered" it finally - decided to pay attention to it. I was kind of glad b/c he didn't get much use out of it before he left us. Thank God you have a little one to love you as you grieve.  

I have some of Lady G.'s fur in a zip-loc bag that I am keeping. And her fur is still all over the fleece blankets she used to lay on. I will never wash them. 

By the way, I hope you two and your families are staying safe with all this virus mess going on. I am not getting out or going to the store unless I absolutely must. Maybe things will improve soon, and everyone can get back to their normal lives.

Stay safe, y'all!

[KayC]

Thank you for your response.  Yesterday I found Kodie chewing on the ziploc bag of Arlie's fur, got it away from him before any damage was done.  I will always have Arlie's coat hanging on the chair in my family room, he was a huge boy so his coat is huge also, I like to hold it.  Same as I kept my husband's robe hanging on the bathroom door.  It just feels comforting somehow to hold them.

I'm glad you have a rosebush growing over her grave, I can't get out to buy plants now but maybe next year.  I'd have to have a wire cage around it as the deer eat everything.  

Be safe, these are times like we've never seen.

[KayC]

I Haven't Left At All

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh;
But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;
I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.
When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground. 

At night while you are sleeping, I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie. 
You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind. 

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore. 
But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call; 
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all
So, dear Master as you live your life I patiently await
For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate. 

I ran across this today, I needed this more than you can know, today it's 15 years since my sweet husband died.  It seems a lifetime ago since he held me in his arms, since I was able to talk with him.  Sometimes it feels so far away like I dreamed him up.  I've read this poem before, it's a good reminder that he has never truly left...they live in our hearts.  I cry as I say this, but Arlie is starting to feel that way too, it's been so long since I've seen that beautiful smile spread across his face.  Since I've held him in my arms.  It almost feels like more than I can bear.

[A.P. Hill]

Beautiful piece Kay.  Anniversary's of those we love so dearly are difficult to bear especially when all we have left of those who meant so much to our lives is memories.  When Micah's one year anniversary hit, I didn't know how I could make it through the day.  Losing George 15 years ago and closing in on one year without Arlie, reminds me of a saying I ran across shortly after losing Micah.  "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal...Love leaves a memory no one can steal." 

Warmest regards,

Steve   

[KayC]

4 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal...Love leaves a memory no one can steal." 

I love that, thank you for sharing.

I got bit by a chow quite severely yesterday...had to make 100 mile trek into town and back for the doctor...severe trauma to my hand, swelling, discoloration, at least if nothing else it distracted me from the day!

Micah is quite beautiful!

[AJWCat]

Oh no @KayC how is your hand today?? Was it a strangers dog? That's terrible. I always want to pet people's dogs but I am scared too.

That poem you posted was amazing. I am sorry for your loss of George.  

[KayC]

I have been walking Joe, a chow that belongs to my neighbor, since Arlie passed, ten months ago.  It is the second time he bit me.  My family all says not to be around him again.  I may have nerve damage in my hand, there is severe trauma to it, swollen wrist and whole hand, discoloration..  I cannot be with Joe anymore and my heart is broken.  Yesterday was a very hard day for me as my husband died on Father's Day and I am also losing Joe, who doesn't understand why I don't come get him anymore.  It'd be easier for me if they had him put to sleep but I fear him feeling deserted or like I don't care about him anymore.  Can't explain things to dogs, esp. when they're deaf and going blind, and in pain.    His owner told me when we went to the doctor Friday that he'd bitten everyone in their family...they have a two year old, four year old, and a baby on the way in two months.  I don't know what it'll take, it scares me.  I know she loves Joe...so do I.  I had a dog 33 years ago I had put to sleep after he bit a neighbor for no reason...he was a golden retriever, very gentle, but had cancer & we figure it went to his brain, we had him put to sleep the next morning.  You can't take chances like that.  It's the hardest thing in the world.

 

[AJWCat]

Oh my gosh how awful. I hope they are paying for your medical treatment. And it is very sad, but you can't have kids around a biting dog either!! 

[KayC]

I know this, I can't imagine what she is thinking!  I pray they come to their senses...soon.  I don't think there's much cost as I already got a tetanus shot in October when Jackson bit me four times, with Medicare Advantage there's no copay for my doctor and the Rx only cost $5, which she insisted on covering.