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Living with Loss


KayC

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I was stunned reading this - as if you don't have enough to deal with.  Sorry to hear this - glad I saw your post. 

 

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Thanks, so good to hear from you, that is a highlight in my day!  
My DIL emailed me wanting me to come watch the kids for their anniversary, in a week.  I had to reply no as I have three doctor's appts I can't cancel, it's been hard arranging all this AND I'm one handed with my numb/painful hand being my "good one" for now!  Got no response from her.  Not surprising, I only hear from her when she wants something, she never said she was sorry for my loss when Arlie died, never said she was sorry I got bit by the chow, she's always centered on HER.  Enough said.

I hope all is going well for you!  

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Your DIL sounds as if she is a  "taker/user" - has nothing to offer you but to fill in her schedule. She knows you are recuperating from the dog-bite injury so shame on her for emailing her request. Emailing is simpler for people like that because they don't speak to a person directly or on the phone, so there is no personal contact.  You can and need to focus on yourself and there is nothing selfish about that. 

I sense the continuum of this CV-19 business and the changes to our lives. And I do enjoy working from home as I accomplish much more and am not interrupted, it's just a different routine as I do not "dress up" though I do shower and put on makeup to be presentable.  I haven't quite mastered ZOOM and the webcam I ordered did not work so I returned. Honestly, many folks do not need to be on ZOOM or whatever else, especially first thing in the morning. I've done Facetime with my grandchildren on my phone, so I need to order a good webcam just for these events. 

Another part of this time is being alone and this is not going to change for some time, so I'm working towards an acceptance of this. All of the "virtual" meetings and services are just what they are, virtual, and when they end there is not the fellowship at the end. I thought the other day, "What will holiday services be like this year?  Virtual Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve,  Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah and other services?  Easter was just plain sad though I got to watch my son and grandchildren on Facebook as they enjoyed the day, and then took a long walk. I do believe that if one does not have a strong relationship with God, sort of like Abraham did, it's much more difficult to handle the loneliness and what seems like an endless time of wondering when we can go back to some semblance of normal.  There is no "new normal" - it's not meant to be as it is not healthy. 

So I feed on the good things in my life and yes, go through dark days and feelings of insecurity and loss like everyone else, but I do not stay there. It takes work though.

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I, too, have had my lows during this time but amazingly have done better than expected overall.  I never dreamed our world could change this much this fast.  

We have virtual church and continue to but our services have resumed with sanitizing stations and social distancing and masks.  No handshakes or hugs and no touching, use overheads for music, no hymnals and even communion cups/wafers pre-wrapped/disposable.  Today they are testing anyone in town if they want it, haven't decided yet, I haven't any symptoms and with my diabetes and asthma, I doubt I'd be asymptomatic, but who knows how this works.

I had a webcam but when I had my computer worked on a couple of years ago I unhooked it and haven't found it since!  I've never used zoom, wouldn't know where to start!

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I flew to Austin July 9th for my grandson Fox's 5th birthday and got back on July 12th and am recuperating from hundreds of mosquito bites, which was a new experience. It is so hard to see what my son has gone through the last four months and today his wife told him she is filing for divorce and he is stunned and hurting. He tells me I'm his "rock" - of course Len told me that also.  Ok, I'm a rock and that's what people tell me constantly, and how "strong" I am, the strongest person they know. And I feel for him - I just can't believe this terrible year!  I told him to wait until he is served with papers and "we" will go from there. The "we" is because it's not something he can go through alone with being so vulnerable. I'm at a point when I feel that I can weather anything, even standing back and not "reacting." 

I'm a believing, spiritual person but this is beyond belief.  This has taken me in another direction. I've given a lot emotionally and financially since his wife left him in March with the boys.   I'm afraid for myself, and my son. Perhaps because he is so vulnerable and unprepared and I'm the one he looks to for real guidance and support. 

Three years and five months since Len passed away and each one has felt like a direct hit - I'll feel that I'm ok, and I can continue to move on and live, and build my life. Not so!!  Such hope gets cut down at the beginning of 2017 when Len passed away in the hospital and when he was gone I thought, "My life is over."  I've made it through quite a lot but now I feel wiped out - not certain what to believe. 

 

 

 

 

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I'm so sorry, my daughter's husband told her on Christmas morning her Christmas present was a divorce!  She spent all day on Christmas crying.  They got a letter end of February saying it went to the courthouse for processing, but the pandemic has kept them from processing anything.  He started moving out mid-June, didn't take all of his stuff and didn't pay any of the bills he owed on.  She won't qualify for her apt she found and has been living in for 11 years on her own income because new management requires you make more.  
I am so sorry your son is going through this too.  Very hard for us to watch our kids going through this.  Kudos to you for being there for him.

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As we both and all work through our losses, I have continued to be, am so thankful, to come back to check in and tell the story about our lives moving along. There is no shaming, guilt, or "you should have" - because there is no energy for such a thing. And we are working to understand and adapt to this time we are living in and experiencing. I'm not a very "social" person, rather in the background supporting continuing work. 

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I can't believe it's August 5th and I haven't check in here. It's almost as if this year has been cancelled and I'm limiting news and any feeds, sometimes all weekend, to cut back on stress. Because most of it's not real or relevant news and has very little with real life. Most probably I won't be going back to the office to work for the rest of this year and will continue working from home and continue to be thankful for that. I've been able to work overtime and that has given me additional money to help my son and the boys out. What has happened there is the singular thing this year that has sapped my life, energies and finances. Sometimes people say, "You can't keep helping him."  Well, I certainly couldn't just walk away from him and the boys and let them end up out on the street because that was his wife's plan. It's a lot of pressure and sometimes I feel as if I've given up a chunk of my life - 2020 was another year when plans went awry. At one point today I wrote, "WHAT ABOUT ME?"  I honestly wonder sometimes where I am in the middle of this. But, I am here. 

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I am approaching the one year anniversary of Arlie's death, hard to believe a year has gone by...I feel the same as I did many months ago, I don't cry very often over him and George but I live with the pain of missing them both and carry my grief inside of me, each and every day.  I ordered a custom bracelet in Arlie's memory, it will be blue with the letter A on it.

Maybe it's good you have your son and grandchildren to focus on right now, the world news and pandemic is consuming the news, nothing good for them to report anymore.  I'm sick of the political parties bickering, stabbing, etc, I switched to "Independent" as it suits me better.  What a mess our country and world is in!

I focus on survival anymore.  Still recovering from Joe (my neighbor's chow) that bit me severely, the bone is greatly inflamed but improving...it happened June 19 (George's death day).  Joe, whom I was walking for ten months, jerked my hand hard and abruptly to the right, severing my nerves, that was over 4 1/2 months ago, about the time the pandemic hit here.  Still waiting for my doctor to lay out a plan, which will likely be surgery according to the nerve conduction study I had done.  Don't know how I'll survive without my right hand for months, recovery is 6-12 months!  I'm banking on no more than six.  I have no one to help me.  God what I wouldn't give to have George back again.  I have to be able to haul wood and shovel snow in the winter!  I trained Kodie on the Halti as I did Arlie and can't latch/unlatch it so leave it latched, a bit loose and slip it over his head, then hook it to his collar.  Can't write with my left hand.  Will begin training someone else on my church treasury job next month as I will not let my name come up for it again next year.  Part of me is sad about that, part of me is relieved.

Of course you couldn't ignore your son/grandsons' plight!  I wouldn't either!  We'd do most anything for our kids.  It is important to disrupt the kids' lives as little as possible, help them feel normal and stable, and it will take your son time to figure out what he's going to do next as this is undoubtedly a temporary solution to a more lasting situation.  Yes, you are here.  I'm so glad you are able to work from home!

 

memory bracelet.jpg

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One year almost for Arlie?? What's his date, I am sorry I do not remember.

My cat is coming up Aug 12 and I am thinking about him so much and that horrible night. 

Also, so sorry about your hand. Is surgery an absolute must do? Sounds like Kodie is doing well. I hope he is of some comfort. I know my sweet girl kitty is.  

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He died August 16, 2019.  I just got a picture of Arlie's remembrance bracelet, I pick it up tomorrow.

 

Arlie bracelet.jpg

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14 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Is surgery an absolute must do?

Only if I want rid of the pain and numbness.  There is no amount of PT that will relieve this, the doctor at the nerve conduction center said it's past the point of no return.

Is it two years for you on August 12?  It seems like quite a while.  Time runs together when you are grieving, it seems to lose it's bearing.

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It's three years! 8-12-2017. I can't believe I didn't realize how Arlie was so close to my date. The bracelet is beautiful!! 

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I just threw away Arlie's water bucket.  It was all chewed up around it and had a crack running down it, so it wasn't good for anything, but it was just so hard to let it go...it took almost a year to do so.  I told Arlie if he comes back I'll buy him a new one.  :(

6 hours ago, AJWCat said:

It's three years! 8-12-2017. I can't believe I didn't realize how Arlie was so close to my date. The bracelet is beautiful!! 

It's hard to believe, three years...I thought it was two or three, I knew you'd been here a while.  

Thank you, someone bought me a commemorative bracelet and I love it but can't wear it, it drives me crazy flopping around and falling off.  This one should fit better, I hope.  Will know tomorrow.

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Such a beautiful boy! I know you miss him dearly, Kay. I still miss my little girl like crazy, too. I think of her all the time. We will always miss then, no doubt about it.

Hope you're doing well. You hang in there.

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Thank you, both of you.  It's hard not to get nostalgic when these times roll around.  I know others don't get it, how I can be mourning my baby a year later, but I know this is the rest of my life, and you guys get it too.

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On 8/16/2020 at 8:37 AM, KayC said:
My sweet Arlie, it's been one year since you left me, it's hard to believe I am still here even though you're gone.

Kay:

That was a beautifully written remembrance of sweet Arlie.  The pain NEVER really goes away we just get to a point where it doesn't cripple us for days, weeks, or even months on end.  It has been almost 15 months since I lost Micah and even to this day, when I think of him it brings emotional responses that I never thought I was capable of possessing.  Your posts, and many others here, brings a tear to my eyes.  It's amazing that I've never personally met anyone or their pets on this site, yet their stories can often bring me to tears.  I think everyone who posts on this forum, have some of the traits of an empath.  We all know of the pain you felt on Sunday and just how much you miss Arlie.  It's REAL and felt by all.

Warmest regards,

Steve

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Thank you so much, Steve.  And you are right, having grieved ourselves, we are better able to be there for other grievers.  There's a verse in the Bible that comes to mind: 

"...who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:4"

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Today would have been your 13th birthday.  Not a day goes by but what I think of you, my Valentine dog.  I love you and always will.  I wish I could kiss you sweet face.  I hope you're enjoying yourself with other dogs also awaiting their owners to join them.  :wub:

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CharliesM0m2012

@KayC I’m so sorry to read what Arlie is going through.  I lost my 9yr old Patterdale x Jack Russell Charlie girl on Saturday it was found, after she had gone quiet towards late 2021 / early 2022, off her food, not keen on her walks, that Charlie had spleen and liver cancers that were bleeding inside.  There was no way any treatments would have worked and we sadly had to make the hard decision to guide Charlie over Rainbow Bridge.   I am still in bits because Charlie used to sleep with me and curl up with me to watch TV, etc.   everyone loved her.  She went to the dog groomers salon and everything like a little human. 

On 8/10/2020 at 1:14 AM, AJWCat said:

One year almost for Arlie?? What's his date, I am sorry I do not remember.

My cat is coming up Aug 12 and I am thinking about him so much and that horrible night. 

Also, so sorry about your hand. Is surgery an absolute must do? Sounds like Kodie is doing well. I hope he is of some comfort. I know my sweet girl kitty is.  

So sorry to hear that Arlie has passed away x @KayC

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CharliesM0m2012
On 8/16/2020 at 3:20 PM, +Jeffrey+ said:

Such a beautiful boy! I know you miss him dearly, Kay. I still miss my little girl like crazy, too. I think of her all the time. We will always miss then, no doubt about it.

Hope you're doing well. You hang in there.

Arlie was such a lovely looking boy!  I am missing my 9yr old Patterjack girl very much, it’s only been 4 days 😢 

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Arlie passed August 16, 2019, I no longer expect to see him laying around the house, his beautiful smile, the way his head would bob up and down, his goofiness gone...

I painted some rocks for his grave, they wouldn't withstand the weather, so cleaned them up and am having someone weatherize them this week, will be so glad to put them back on his grave!

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