Lost my cat unexpectedly - heartbroken

[Chandy]

On Friday 31st May at 3pm, I took my gorgeous loving boy to the vets. He’d been a bit listless the past week and I thought it would be the usual, check up, antibiotic jab and then home. As my vet (who is the best vet ever) was confirming his gums were fine, he was dehydrated I was breathing the sigh of relief - thinking yup, going as I expected. Then when he felt his stomach, Jubes (one of his many nicknames) let out an almighty scream. My vet found a large lump. As soon as I heard my cat scream, my heart sank and the tears opened. I knew this was bad. I left Jubes there, with my vet going to call me in the evening with results from tests. I was howling with tears all the way home. 

It got to 8.45pm when I got the call- the lump was a tumour that had spread to his intestines and had left one of kidneys dilated. My options were surgery-which was very high risk and wouldn’t be able to remove all the tumour. Steroids which would only be temporary. Or the humane option, which was to let him go now whilst he was under anaesthetic. Me and husband were crying our eyes (still not stopped really), and decided to trust in our vet to do the humane option. I told my vet to kiss Jubes from me- which I know he would’ve done. 

A part of my soul and heart feels like it’s died. I have been in such a daze. I haven’t felt such strong feelings of grief since I lost my amazing mum 8 years ago. Logically, I know the option I took was right, but I feel guilty and a fear is what if my cat was like “why have you just left me here?” He was in box no doubt for a few hours before my vet could do the tests. Did he think I just abandoned him? That I didn’t love him anymore? It crushes me every time a thought like this hits me. 

I miss him so much. Words don’t even come close to what I’m feeling. I keep  talking aloud to myself, asking myself ‘what has happened? How has this happened?’ I just can’t believe it. To have him with me one moment, curling around my neck, purring in my ear, being just such a total cutie to suddenly not having him here is something I’m not able to process yet. My heart is actually hurting. Our cats are literally our children. 

I look at his brother Beetlejuice, the two have not been separated in the whole 10 years when I got them as kittens, and I see his sadness and confusion as to where his brother is, he yowls at night for him and I know his grief is akin to my own, if not worse. I’m trying to keep his routine the same and not be so upset around him so he doesn’t get further stressed out by my vibes. 

Irrational fears (that right now don’t seem irrational) are plaguing me about leaving Beets (Beetlejuice) at home by himself. I’m worried at how hurt he may feel, or how alone. My cats are 90% indoor cats (We only let them out when we are there). I haven’t been in the office yet but will be later on this week, I’ve also got events at the weekend I need to be at on an evenings. I feel guilty and confused. 

I’m just feeling lost and so very sad. I know time does heal, and I’m allowing be emotions and feelings to be, but I just wanted to share my story. 

[KayC]

Oh man, I feel your pain, I am so sorry!  I know the questions you ask yourself are valid and real fears but my hope is he was asleep much of the time there and his mind wasn't going where you feared.  He knew you loved him.  I am glad you have your husband to go through this with as it's extremely hard alone, hard enough with someone else.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

I am very sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is to get through.

[Chandy]

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It means the world. I am so very sorry for your loss too. I’ve seen how much support you give to people who post on here, and it’s the kindest sweetest thing. Thank you again xxx

[AJWCat]

My heart breaks for you. I lost my cat very suddenly (he got violently sick and he was gone 2 hours later at the emergency vet.)

The shock of it was devastating like you - suddenly getting such horrible news and then making the humane but very painful decision.

My emotions were pretty crazy for the first few days; very fearful, uneasy, very sad, I was a total mess really. It took days just for my mind to process what happened. It took many weeks just to feel myself again. Our cat was like our child and it was just not something I expected to happen. I have finally found peace and have come to accept what happened, as you will. It takes time to heal a broken heart. It's so cliche and yet it's true.