Having trouble allowing myself to be happy

[Pakalla]

Hi everyone. My mom died suddenly and pretty unexpectedly a month and a half ago. I'm 29, she was 70. I spent the first four weeks being horribly sad and really connecting with the grief. The last two weeks, however, I've transitioned into a kind of neutral nothingness. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm a little less than fine. I get irritated more easily. I feel a bit like I'm just going through life.

 

Part of it, I think, is I feel guilty about "moving on". Part of me doesn't want to move on because I don't want to lose her more than I have already. And part of me doesn't want to move on because I feel like I would be abandoning her. She was very emotionally dependent on me for most of my life and I still have a great sense that I should be taking care of her. Or that I should be unhappy so I can be with her (she was always quite unhappy).

 

I know my self-love is still here, I'm just not letting it fill me like it used to. And I know my happier self exists somewhere, but I don't know if I'm ready to let that out yet.

 

Does anyone have experience with this, or advice? Thanks all.

[reader]

Dear Pakalla,

I am sorry for your loss. Please don't be hard on yourself, you are still very early in your grief. The wave of emotions is like a roller coaster. Please know whatever you are feeling and thinking is natural and normal. If you feel happy that is okay, but its also okay to feel sad and guilty too. I found the first year of grief to be the most intense and difficult. My emotions were raw and it made me question everything.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. And if you can surround yourself with loving friends and family. And if you want to journal, try different activities or talking with others in the community or through church about your experience. There are many grief counselors and support groups that might also help.

Don't put too much pressure to be happy...it will come again. It will. 

Take care of yourself. Please know we are with you.

 

[Pakalla]

Thank you so much for your reply, reader. I really appreciate your words. A year sounds so long.. but I'm glad to hear it does get easier somewhere down the road.

[nuvar]

On 6/4/2019 at 3:50 PM, Pakalla said:

Hi everyone. My mom died suddenly and pretty unexpectedly a month and a half ago. I'm 29, she was 70. I spent the first four weeks being horribly sad and really connecting with the grief. The last two weeks, however, I've transitioned into a kind of neutral nothingness. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm a little less than fine. I get irritated more easily. I feel a bit like I'm just going through life.

 

Part of it, I think, is I feel guilty about "moving on". Part of me doesn't want to move on because I don't want to lose her more than I have already. And part of me doesn't want to move on because I feel like I would be abandoning her. She was very emotionally dependent on me for most of my life and I still have a great sense that I should be taking care of her. Or that I should be unhappy so I can be with her (she was always quite unhappy).

 

I know my self-love is still here, I'm just not letting it fill me like it used to. And I know my happier self exists somewhere, but I don't know if I'm ready to let that out yet.

 

Does anyone have experience with this, or advice? Thanks all.

pakalla, i can feel what you mean somewhat. however, in my case i was more dependent on her than she was on me.

The part about moving on, Im having my struggles even though it's been almost a year. My guilt part is even more real because my relatives are putting the blame on me although my father did not do so. I guess everyone will have their struggles and guilt, what they did wrong or did not do enough. I can get what you mean by not wanting to move on because you feel guilty about abandoning her. Same goes for me. Im equally stricken with guilt thinking of putting my dad in a nursing home.

That you were always around for her meant the world for her already. You were there when she needed you the most and you did whatever you could. 1 and a half month is a short period, you will experience ups and downs. Feel free to share your thoughts here.

Do you really feel your mum would have wanted you to be unhappy even when she was unhappy herself? I dont think any parent feels that way and Im sure your mum doesnt. Slowly but surely she would want you to find your own path.

Dont be too hasty in trying to jump on a new life, I dont think anyone can do so in a matter of weeks, or months. Take it slowly, day by day. Move on with activities you like/love or that you know she would have wanted you to do. To make her proud and make you less moody (and over time, hopefully happier)