lost: grandma, sweet cat, cousin.

[ErikJMS]

I can't say I have had the best of luck with online support but I am so introverted that in-person is way worse. I do not know what I am looking for other than something comforting besides the ice cream I cannot stop eating although it is too expensive for my budget. My Grandmother died last April, I had to have one of my cats euthanized at the end of January, and my closest cousin on my dad's side of the family was found dead just about four weeks ago tomorrow. Grandma was 99-1/2 and had a good long life. Jackson was 17 and for a cat that is doing fairly well but it put me in shock to have to make the decision to have him put down. My cousin was 47 years old, two years younger than I am, and a kind and generous man. He died without warning; his dad--my uncle--found him dead in his apartment.

Communicating with my family is, well, complicated and weird. I do not know what killed my cousin. He was found on his bed with his hands on his chest like he was having a heart attack. He was way too young to be dying of such a thing. I have not heard from my uncle about services or anything and it is possible that there won't be one because my aunt is emotionally very fragile and probably would not be able to stand the stress of being the center of a gathering for such an awful thing to have happened to her only child.

I have been trying to stay busy because every time I sit still my heart sinks just a little further into the floor. There is nothing you can do in the face of death; it is what it is and it arrives on its own schedule. We who are left can only keep living but right now I cannot find much joy in that.

I need this year to be a better year. I am afraid that this is what happens now that I have reached a "certain age": people start dying off. If I am lucky I am skipped over by death for awhile yet--or is that to be the lucky one? I am not sure.

[ModKonnie]

I can't say I have had the best of luck with online support but I am so introverted that in-person is way worse. I do not know what I am looking for other than something comforting besides the ice cream I cannot stop eating although it is too expensive for my budget. My Grandmother died last April, I had to have one of my cats euthanized at the end of January, and my closest cousin on my dad's side of the family was found dead just about four weeks ago tomorrow. Grandma was 99-1/2 and had a good long life. Jackson was 17 and for a cat that is doing fairly well but it put me in shock to have to make the decision to have him put down. My cousin was 47 years old, two years younger than I am, and a kind and generous man. He died without warning; his dad--my uncle--found him dead in his apartment.

Communicating with my family is, well, complicated and weird. I do not know what killed my cousin. He was found on his bed with his hands on his chest like he was having a heart attack. He was way too young to be dying of such a thing. I have not heard from my uncle about services or anything and it is possible that there won't be one because my aunt is emotionally very fragile and probably would not be able to stand the stress of being the center of a gathering for such an awful thing to have happened to her only child.

I have been trying to stay busy because every time I sit still my heart sinks just a little further into the floor. There is nothing you can do in the face of death; it is what it is and it arrives on its own schedule. We who are left can only keep living but right now I cannot find much joy in that.

I need this year to be a better year. I am afraid that this is what happens now that I have reached a "certain age": people start dying off. If I am lucky I am skipped over by death for awhile yet--or is that to be the lucky one? I am not sure.

Hi Erik,

I am sorry about your losses. I am at that "certain age" too where people I have loved and known forever are passing on. It scares me somewhat, but it's a part of life I guess we all have to deal with. As far as your cat--17 years is a very long time. My oldest cat lived 15 years and then passed on from cancer. It was very sad.

I've had a string of bad years in a row--my mother in law passed, then my dad, then my grandfather, a friend, and my cat got run over all within two years. It has been depressing and difficult, but I see the sun shining outside, and I listen to my kids fighting or laughing, and I thank God that I am still around to hear all of that.

I am sorry you've not had much success with message boards, but on this one you will. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[ErikJMS]

Hi Erik,

I am sorry about your losses. I am at that "certain age" too where people I have loved and known forever are passing on. It scares me somewhat, but it's a part of life I guess we all have to deal with. As far as your cat--17 years is a very long time. My oldest cat lived 15 years and then passed on from cancer. It was very sad.

I've had a string of bad years in a row--my mother in law passed, then my dad, then my grandfather, a friend, and my cat got run over all within two years. It has been depressing and difficult, but I see the sun shining outside, and I listen to my kids fighting or laughing, and I thank God that I am still around to hear all of that.

I am sorry you've not had much success with message boards, but on this one you will. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

Thanks, MK. I am still a little in shock about my cousin's death because it was so unexpected and he and I were the closest in age on that side of what is a very small family. Part of the problem in looking for support is that I find myself without words all of a sudden. As a writer, I find this distressing. As someone in some pain, it makes it hard to figure out what to ask for and how. My cousin and I had kind of a strange but amiable relationship in that we are/were both socially a bit awkward but he had supported me financially during some hard times and I felt very fortunate to have someone in my family who was willing to offer such concrete assistance. He was also very accepting--I've always been the family oddball and he's always been there without any judgment. I had sort of figured we would be the last of our kind in a way and so it is hard to accept or understand that he is suddenly no longer here.

My cat had been showing some signs of "old cat syndrome"--as we called it when I worked as a vet tech many years ago--for some time so his death was not entirely unexpected but even though I have seen hundreds of animals die this was the first time I had held one of my own while he died and it was also much more shocking than I expected to be and I have had some problems feeling guilty because the decision to have one's animal euthanized is one that we want to be timed absolutely right--not too early and not too late--but I think that practically speaking it is impossible to know the exact right moment to call for an end to their suffering.

And my Grandma, well, I honestly had begun to believe she was not subject to death the way the rest of us are! I knew her for almost fifty years and I certainly thought she'd break the century mark but she died one day before she would have been 99-1/2. Something about Grandmothers makes the world seem friendly and safe. When they go, they tear a little of that safety away with them. How can life be life without her? I still have not been able to wrap my head around that one. She was the last of my grandparents but she was also the one I was closest to, so losing her was harder than losing the others.

I guess I am not completely out of words.

[ModKonnie]

Thanks, MK. I am still a little in shock about my cousin's death because it was so unexpected and he and I were the closest in age on that side of what is a very small family. Part of the problem in looking for support is that I find myself without words all of a sudden. As a writer, I find this distressing. As someone in some pain, it makes it hard to figure out what to ask for and how. My cousin and I had kind of a strange but amiable relationship in that we are/were both socially a bit awkward but he had supported me financially during some hard times and I felt very fortunate to have someone in my family who was willing to offer such concrete assistance. He was also very accepting--I've always been the family oddball and he's always been there without any judgment. I had sort of figured we would be the last of our kind in a way and so it is hard to accept or understand that he is suddenly no longer here.

My cat had been showing some signs of "old cat syndrome"--as we called it when I worked as a vet tech many years ago--for some time so his death was not entirely unexpected but even though I have seen hundreds of animals die this was the first time I had held one of my own while he died and it was also much more shocking than I expected to be and I have had some problems feeling guilty because the decision to have one's animal euthanized is one that we want to be timed absolutely right--not too early and not too late--but I think that practically speaking it is impossible to know the exact right moment to call for an end to their suffering.

And my Grandma, well, I honestly had begun to believe she was not subject to death the way the rest of us are! I knew her for almost fifty years and I certainly thought she'd break the century mark but she died one day before she would have been 99-1/2. Something about Grandmothers makes the world seem friendly and safe. When they go, they tear a little of that safety away with them. How can life be life without her? I still have not been able to wrap my head around that one. She was the last of my grandparents but she was also the one I was closest to, so losing her was harder than losing the others.

I guess I am not completely out of words.

Hi Erik,

Yes, I am a writer, too, and when I can't write--it bothers me tremendously. It doesn't really matter how old a person is when they pass on--it still hurts--doesn't it?

I also find that when my friends pass, it freaks me out because of the realization that one day I, too, am going to go, and I'm just not quite ready to.

As far as animal euthansia--I had a 15 year old cat that developed cancer. I felt too guilty to have her put down, but when the time came and she died--I wished more than anything I would have put her down. Her crying and suffering was unbearable. I will never allow another pet to suffer so badly. I feel guilty to this day over my selfish act, but I just didn't get it at that point.

ModKonnie

[ErikJMS]

Hi Erik,

Yes, I am a writer, too, and when I can't write--it bothers me tremendously. It doesn't really matter how old a person is when they pass on--it still hurts--doesn't it?

I also find that when my friends pass, it freaks me out because of the realization that one day I, too, am going to go, and I'm just not quite ready to.

As far as animal euthansia--I had a 15 year old cat that developed cancer. I felt too guilty to have her put down, but when the time came and she died--I wished more than anything I would have put her down. Her crying and suffering was unbearable. I will never allow another pet to suffer so badly. I feel guilty to this day over my selfish act, but I just didn't get it at that point.

ModKonnie

It seems to be very typical to feel guilty about a pet's death--at least everything I have read says that if you were committed to your animal's well-being, you feel guilty for one reason or another when they die: you tell yourself you waited too long for euthanasia, not long enough, or, in your case, that you did not realize it would have been the better choice. The thing is we only operate with the knowledge that we have at the time and our judgment is sometimes further impaired by the prospect of the loss and, if an animal has been chronically ill, the stress of caring for it. I have comforted myself by coming to the realization that we cannot ultimately protect them from death even though I think we feel that we must and that most of our guilt stems from that. I also think that making the perfect decision is impossible because we cannot know what would be optimal; we only know what we know and we do our best according to that.

In some ways it is not a satisfying philosophy, but so far nothing about death is satisfying, so far as I can tell... :/ But it has helped me feel better about releasing Jackson even though I will never know if it was exactly the right time to do so.

[ModKonnie]

It seems to be very typical to feel guilty about a pet's death--at least everything I have read says that if you were committed to your animal's well-being, you feel guilty for one reason or another when they die: you tell yourself you waited too long for euthanasia, not long enough, or, in your case, that you did not realize it would have been the better choice. The thing is we only operate with the knowledge that we have at the time and our judgment is sometimes further impaired by the prospect of the loss and, if an animal has been chronically ill, the stress of caring for it. I have comforted myself by coming to the realization that we cannot ultimately protect them from death even though I think we feel that we must and that most of our guilt stems from that. I also think that making the perfect decision is impossible because we cannot know what would be optimal; we only know what we know and we do our best according to that.

In some ways it is not a satisfying philosophy, but so far nothing about death is satisfying, so far as I can tell... :/ But it has helped me feel better about releasing Jackson even though I will never know if it was exactly the right time to do so.

I kept telling myself she would get better, and the vet was wrong. I guess I was in denial. There is never a good time to let people or pets go, is there?

ModKonnie

[ErikJMS]

I kept telling myself she would get better, and the vet was wrong. I guess I was in denial. There is never a good time to let people or pets go, is there?

ModKonnie

No I don't think there is, unfortunately. Denial is a hard one. We're human, and sometimes we cannot be as objective as we might want to be.

[ModKonnie]

No I don't think there is, unfortunately. Denial is a hard one. We're human, and sometimes we cannot be as objective as we might want to be.

I feel guilty about being so "mean." But, I truly didn't realize.

So, are you a professional writer? Novels? Blogs?

Do you use your personal experiences to help inspire you?

ModKonnie

[ErikJMS]

I feel guilty about being so "mean." But, I truly didn't realize.

So, are you a professional writer? Novels? Blogs?

Do you use your personal experiences to help inspire you?

ModKonnie

I think that being compassionate with ourselves and realizing that most of us are always doing our best, even if hindsight tells us we were mistaken, is important. Of course I find it easier to tell other people this than to practice it with myself, but I'm getting better.

I guess I am a professional writer. I hadn't really thought about it but my first book was published this year and a couple of copies have actually sold so this makes me a pro, doesn't it? My writing is mostly poetry and a weird hybrid of autobiography/philosophy/free verse. Um. I think that is probably a faithful description. I haven't really come up with a succinct name for it yet. Whatever it is it is not going to make me rich I am fairly sure. I do have a blog but I am very bad at updating it. I have fallen prey to the popularity of facebook; it is so easy to use it to keep track of almost everyone in your life that it starts to become the center of your social universe.

What sort of writing do you do? Do you find it easy or difficult to get yourself going? I spend a little too much time on the internet doing whatever, but on the other hand writing "seriously" for more than a couple of hours a day is a bit draining. A happy medium would be nice. Do you know of any?

Erik

[ModKonnie]

I think that being compassionate with ourselves and realizing that most of us are always doing our best, even if hindsight tells us we were mistaken, is important. Of course I find it easier to tell other people this than to practice it with myself, but I'm getting better.

I guess I am a professional writer. I hadn't really thought about it but my first book was published this year and a couple of copies have actually sold so this makes me a pro, doesn't it? My writing is mostly poetry and a weird hybrid of autobiography/philosophy/free verse. Um. I think that is probably a faithful description. I haven't really come up with a succinct name for it yet. Whatever it is it is not going to make me rich I am fairly sure. I do have a blog but I am very bad at updating it. I have fallen prey to the popularity of facebook; it is so easy to use it to keep track of almost everyone in your life that it starts to become the center of your social universe.

What sort of writing do you do? Do you find it easy or difficult to get yourself going? I spend a little too much time on the internet doing whatever, but on the other hand writing "seriously" for more than a couple of hours a day is a bit draining. A happy medium would be nice. Do you know of any?

Erik

I think we are all guilty of being harsher on ourselves than others.

I started my career writing/editing for a data base--I wrote abstracts. Next, I moved on to a brief stint of teaching college writing, and then I spent several years as a staff writer for a regional newspaper, which I resigned from last October. I still do the layout each month of the pages because I am the only person in this area that is skilled using Quark Express, and my editor laid a huge guilt trip on me. He keeps trying to convince me to write again, but I'm too busy with school and my work at a prison. I much prefer to write factual, research-based materials than creative writings. I can't write a poem to save my life. I've actually won several writing awards from the Society of Professional Journalism.

Currently, I direct my writing towards earning my Master's Degree in Adult Education.

I, too, have become a facebook addict. I spend FAR too much time on the internet than I should, and I had a blog but got bored with it. We have a Facebook page for Grieving. You are more than welcome to post your reflections, etc., on there related to grieving, healing, etc. We enjoy reading inspirational poetry, too.

I found that I had to set myself specific times to write. No matter how "uninspired" I feel, I sit down at a specific time and write my assignments, reflections, etc. Usually, when I can't get started, I start in the middle or I force myself to make an outline (yuck). If nothing else, I simply start by writing something like, "I'm not into this. I don't want to do this dumb assignment because I don't care that the economic development team has decided to renovate their offices to include the chamber of commerce, etc..." That usually gets the creative juices flowing. LOL

And you are right about the fact that more than a few hours of serious writing is "draining." I feel as though my writing is a part of me, and when I am deeply involved in the actual process, I use every bit of energy I have and am completely focused. When I have finished something that I know is going to be a winner or well received, I feel completely emotionally and physically drained. During the actual writing, I almost get a "high" and I become animated and ferociously focused.

What about you?

ModKonnie

[ErikJMS]

I think we are all guilty of being harsher on ourselves than others.

I started my career writing/editing for a data base--I wrote abstracts. Next, I moved on to a brief stint of teaching college writing, and then I spent several years as a staff writer for a regional newspaper, which I resigned from last October. I still do the layout each month of the pages because I am the only person in this area that is skilled using Quark Express, and my editor laid a huge guilt trip on me. He keeps trying to convince me to write again, but I'm too busy with school and my work at a prison. I much prefer to write factual, research-based materials than creative writings. I can't write a poem to save my life. I've actually won several writing awards from the Society of Professional Journalism.

Currently, I direct my writing towards earning my Master's Degree in Adult Education.

I, too, have become a facebook addict. I spend FAR too much time on the internet than I should, and I had a blog but got bored with it. We have a Facebook page for Grieving. You are more than welcome to post your reflections, etc., on there related to grieving, healing, etc. We enjoy reading inspirational poetry, too.

I found that I had to set myself specific times to write. No matter how "uninspired" I feel, I sit down at a specific time and write my assignments, reflections, etc. Usually, when I can't get started, I start in the middle or I force myself to make an outline (yuck). If nothing else, I simply start by writing something like, "I'm not into this. I don't want to do this dumb assignment because I don't care that the economic development team has decided to renovate their offices to include the chamber of commerce, etc..." That usually gets the creative juices flowing. LOL

And you are right about the fact that more than a few hours of serious writing is "draining." I feel as though my writing is a part of me, and when I am deeply involved in the actual process, I use every bit of energy I have and am completely focused. When I have finished something that I know is going to be a winner or well received, I feel completely emotionally and physically drained. During the actual writing, I almost get a "high" and I become animated and ferociously focused.

What about you?

ModKonnie

I will check out the facebook page for sure. I hadn't thought to look over there--I somehow expect facebook to be all superficial all the time!

I have taught college writing as well, in a couple different universities here in the Bay Area. Right now I am disabled, so am not doing any teaching, which is fine by me. I enjoy parts of it, but mostly it stresses me out. I am trying to establish some sort of regularity with my writing, although I am not sure if it matters that I write in long bursts and then stop for a little while. I did one of the "write every day in November" memes last year and by the end of the month I had had enough of the writing every single day! Problem with me is that I am interested in too many other things as well and I have a tendency towards obsessive focus, so I do one thing for a long time, get sick of it, move onto something else, and so on in a long cycle. It's not necessarily a bad way to get things done, but I often forget what it was I was doing once I come back round to a particular topic or activity. I keep meaning to try working on more than one project per day, but it is really difficult for me! I do think, though, that purposefully writing at least three or four days a week could be a good thing--if I can just stop wasting all the caffeine on the internet!

I am familiar with the writing "high" as well and have experienced it in a number of different ways. It makes up for the writing lows that occur when I cannot think of anything interesting or I cannot find the words to go with what it is I want to say. Occasionally something comes out just right or it might even seem to come through me from someplace else.

What do you do at the prison? I actually know the woman who runs the inmate college educational program at San Quentin here in CA--she and I were in the same program in grad school. She has way more energy than I do, and I think what she does is really fantastic. Apparently the inmates are mostly very grateful for the opportunities that she helps to give them. If I were more well-disposed towards teaching I might volunteer, but it drives me a little nuts--and that's not an overstatement.

Erik

[ModKonnie]

I will check out the facebook page for sure. I hadn't thought to look over there--I somehow expect facebook to be all superficial all the time!

I have taught college writing as well, in a couple different universities here in the Bay Area. Right now I am disabled, so am not doing any teaching, which is fine by me. I enjoy parts of it, but mostly it stresses me out. I am trying to establish some sort of regularity with my writing, although I am not sure if it matters that I write in long bursts and then stop for a little while. I did one of the "write every day in November" memes last year and by the end of the month I had had enough of the writing every single day! Problem with me is that I am interested in too many other things as well and I have a tendency towards obsessive focus, so I do one thing for a long time, get sick of it, move onto something else, and so on in a long cycle. It's not necessarily a bad way to get things done, but I often forget what it was I was doing once I come back round to a particular topic or activity. I keep meaning to try working on more than one project per day, but it is really difficult for me! I do think, though, that purposefully writing at least three or four days a week could be a good thing--if I can just stop wasting all the caffeine on the internet!

I am familiar with the writing "high" as well and have experienced it in a number of different ways. It makes up for the writing lows that occur when I cannot think of anything interesting or I cannot find the words to go with what it is I want to say. Occasionally something comes out just right or it might even seem to come through me from someplace else.

What do you do at the prison? I actually know the woman who runs the inmate college educational program at San Quentin here in CA--she and I were in the same program in grad school. She has way more energy than I do, and I think what she does is really fantastic. Apparently the inmates are mostly very grateful for the opportunities that she helps to give them. If I were more well-disposed towards teaching I might volunteer, but it drives me a little nuts--and that's not an overstatement.

Erik

I am the night administrator for the college. I also teach the occassional ABE/GED classes, fill in for instructors and am hoping to get my own classes to teach this fall. I love my work at the prison because the women are grateful to have the opportunity to go to school. It's very rewarding, but it is also very eye opening. I grew up in a middle-class, suburban setting, and I had no idea there was another way of life that exists in this country. Talk about a culture shock!

You sound like me; I am an internet junky, too.

I hope your disability is not too bad, and it won't permanently alter your life.

I thought Facebook was simply for fluffy, light topics, too, but there are many interesting and addictive Facebook pages to visit. I am also a Facebook addict. LOL. Anywhere I can write, I'm going to.

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

Erik,

Are you doing okay today? I certainly hope so.

ModKonnie

[ErikJMS]

Erik,

Are you doing okay today? I certainly hope so.

ModKonnie

Hi ModKonnie,

Thanks for asking. I have been sleeping quite a bit the last two or three days, which is generally how my body tells me that I have more going on than is manageable while awake. Been having weird dreams so it has not been the most restful sleep but it seems to be necessary. I slept most of today but have no idea whether I will be up all night or not. It's hard to tell sometimes.

I've also just been feeling quiet. It gets difficult to write about things that are going on beneath the surface when they are not necessarily using language to do what they do. It's been sort of a lifelong struggle to find the right words. Why I ended up a writer is not always clear to me except that I think I became obsessed with language precisely because of those moments in which it fails. Sometimes it fails spectacularly, and sometimes it fails in a little pile of cliches that I select and delete immediately after writing them. I think I might spend some time tonight seeing if I can get anything to cohere on the page. If something fails reasonably well, perhaps I will post it!

Erik

[ModKonnie]

Hi ModKonnie,

Thanks for asking. I have been sleeping quite a bit the last two or three days, which is generally how my body tells me that I have more going on than is manageable while awake. Been having weird dreams so it has not been the most restful sleep but it seems to be necessary. I slept most of today but have no idea whether I will be up all night or not. It's hard to tell sometimes.

I've also just been feeling quiet. It gets difficult to write about things that are going on beneath the surface when they are not necessarily using language to do what they do. It's been sort of a lifelong struggle to find the right words. Why I ended up a writer is not always clear to me except that I think I became obsessed with language precisely because of those moments in which it fails. Sometimes it fails spectacularly, and sometimes it fails in a little pile of cliches that I select and delete immediately after writing them. I think I might spend some time tonight seeing if I can get anything to cohere on the page. If something fails reasonably well, perhaps I will post it!

Erik

That's kind of a unique perspective on writing; however, I understand it. I never set out to be a writer either; it just happened. I was going to be a chemist until my third chemistry class in college. LOL. I realized I am definitely not a scientist although I love science.

Hope things go well today.

ModKonnie