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Feeling Hollow Since Friend's Suicide

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Over three years ago, I lost a close friend to suicide.  She was quirky, outgoing, energetic, free-spirited.  She did a lot of volunteer work for women's causes.  She was one of the most amazing people I've ever known, and I respected her immensely.  

Unfortunately, the trauma from several incidents of sexual violence and a few severe physical ailments may have proven to be too much for her in the end.  Suddenly, she was gone, and it slowly started to eat me alive.  After awhile, I thought maybe I was starting to make progress with coping, because at some point, I finally stopped blaming myself for failing to save her.

Turns out that was a big fat lie I told myself and everyone else.  Maybe it's because I didn't want to worry anybody, maybe it was a defense mechanism to keep myself from drowning in my own misery too fast, I don't know.  After a somewhat lengthy spell of panic attacks and unusually high aggression, that's when I realized I was far from OK.  

The truth is, I've felt empty inside since she died.  I've told a few people that it's like the lights went out, and I don't know how to turn them back on.  I find myself extremely unmotivated to do much of anything.  Sometimes I can barely find the energy to feed myself, which led to a nasty dehydration incident last year.  I just feel like I don't care anymore; about anything.  I feel like I've been replaced by a hologram that is doing its level best to approximate what I was like when I was alive.

Sure, there are still a few things I'd like to do in my life, but then I think, "Who cares?  I sure as hell don't right now."  It should also be noted that I've been dealing with MS for the last five or so years, which has taken a toll on me mentally from being in non-stop physical pain and exhausted 24 hours a damn day, so the further thought occurs that, "Why bother?  I don't have much time or energy left anyway, so I might as well just lie down and wait for it to all be over."

I also lost another close friend in a car accident a few months ago, and because I've been so numb with grief from the first friend, it feels like his death hasn't fully registered yet.  It took me weeks to even cry once.  I'm afraid I'll just become some blank, emotionless slab after more people inevitably pass away.  You always hear about people who never, ever recover from the loss of a loved one, and I keep wondering if I'm going to end up being one of those people.

I do plan on finding a professional grief counselor soon (once I'm done stalling due to anxiety), but I have no idea if that will help.  I kind of feel like I'm already too far gone.  Like the world will never be beautiful again now that she's no longer in it.  That it's just a cruel, ugly place where evil people like the ones who drove her to suicide go unpunished.  

Maybe posting this here won't help either.  I don't know.  I guess I'll keep trying until I know for sure.  

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Dear serialzero1979,

I'm so sorry to hear how you feel. I know its extremely painful and difficult to lose a treasured friend. Grief is crippling and sometimes we all feel like we are drowning in sorrow.

Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. So many of us feel the same way when coping with so much sadness.

I hope the grief counsellor will be able to give you more support. Please don't lose hope and know we are with you. I also found these websites helpful in understanding my grief.

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief.

Take care. Thinking of you.

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So it's normal sometimes for this to just completely kick someone's ass so brutally that they lose the will to get back up?  That's where I'm at, I think. 

I don't really have the desire to expedite my own end (to quell any concerns), but I'd be lying if I said it didn't creep around the edges sometimes.  Mostly it's just a "Can we get this over with already?  Ideally maybe something like a heart attack in my sleep?" type situation.

Thank you for the list of resources.  I will have to check them out later.  Might help me feel less terrified going into a new counseling situation.  I mean, I've had a shrink before, but not for something like this.  Plus I'll have to get used to a new person, which will be hell on my anxiety for a bit while I'm adjusting.  

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