Does it get better?

[Scott A]

Is there a reason to hope and believe at some point things get better? I know it's only been 8 weeks and I know there is no time table for grief.  I miss my wife so much. I miss the life we had. I miss my best friend.  I feel so low, empty, sad. Friends help, family helps, therapy helps, but at night alone, I crash.  Is this the rest of my life?

[KayC]

Scott, you are correct that there is no time table and we're all different, but yes, the intensity of pain lessens as we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives.  We do, however, continue to love and miss them and that hollow spot in our hearts continues with us.  The rest of your life will not be as it is now, but much of it depends on you, how you process your grief, it really does help to read articles and books, to express yourself here or in a journal, go get grief counseling, maybe even a grief support group.  I lead one and it has been refreshing to see the positive changes that have taken place in those who come, I have literally seen them doing better.  That whole first year (or two or three) is really tough.  None of this takes place quickly.  I'd even venture to say it may take five years, but we ARE all different.

There is a certain amount of adjusting that takes place but we never get "over it".  I remember meeting someone on a grief forum that had lost his wife and he was stymied by my being ten years out (now 14) and couldn't understand that it gets better to a point but there's a certain amount we live with.  Now that he's four years out he says he gets it.

Night and weekends used to be the hardest time for me.  I never did go back to sleeping in our bed, but neither could I get rid of it.  It was a reminder to me of his absence, of what I was missing.  We all make our way through this our own way, whatever brings comfort and peace.  It seemed better to me when I wasn't getting hit with triggers so much.  In the beginning I couldn't even get groceries as that was something we did together.

Now my life is about living alone with my dog and cat and my nights are very much alone.  Do I like it?  It's not about my preference, no one asked me when they took him.

[Scott A]

Thank you for sharing and for giving me hope.  It's such an emotional rollercoaster...I feel slightly up and think maybe things will be better, then come all the way back and feel like I've made no progress at all.  

[chincube]

10 hours ago, Scott A said:

Thank you for sharing and for giving me hope.  It's such an emotional rollercoaster...I feel slightly up and think maybe things will be better, then come all the way back and feel like I've made no progress at all.  

Scott, you're not alone. Last week I thought maybe I can be okay after all, then this whole week I have been going backward. I don't know what I am doing with life anymore. 

[JES]

@Scott A  At 8 wks. your loss is very new yet.  I had many ups and downs, especially earlier on. I'd think I'd be finally doing better and bam, I'd feel like day 1 again.  The one thing I noticed after awhile is there was alittle space between the really bad days and the ok days..this seemed to change as time went on...more ok days and less bad days.  Im at 8 months now and I still have some bad days but I am much more accepting of my loss. I still miss him and wish he were here but the depth of the pain has lessened.....  I can function alot better now.  There is hope for easier days... as time goes on.  I am thinking of you.

[Scott A]

4 hours ago, chincube said:

Scott, you're not alone. Last week I thought maybe I can be okay after all, then this whole week I have been going backward. I don't know what I am doing with life anymore. 

I guess all we can do is hope things slowly get better.  I don't know what else to do. i read books on loss, I'm now in therapy, I'm here.  I grieve, I ride the wave of emotions.  I'm listless.  Words of encouragement keep me going...thank you JES.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Scott A said:

Thank you for sharing and for giving me hope.  It's such an emotional rollercoaster...I feel slightly up and think maybe things will be better, then come all the way back and feel like I've made no progress at all.  

It reminds me of three steps forward, two steps backward...overall we're moving in a progressive fashion, even though at times we're going backwards, if that makes any sense.  It's a roller coaster ride, for sure!

[Scott A]

On 5/26/2019 at 5:44 AM, KayC said:

It reminds me of three steps forward, two steps backward...overall we're moving in a progressive fashion, even though at times we're going backwards, if that makes any sense.  It's a roller coaster ride, for sure!

I'm just not sure it's three steps forward and two back, or two forward and three back.  Time will answer that one for me.  

[Glenna G]

Scott, yes, it does get better. My recent loss was my second loss of a partner, my husband 20 years ago, and my boyfriend, (I know it sounds silly for a 66 yo woman to use that word, but that's how I referred to him when he was alive, so I still do) 7 months ago. It took me 2 years to get myself together after my husband's death. And even after just 7 months, I have some good days since my boyfriend was killed. I think  summer is going to be harder for me than winter was, I miss the things we did together. I don't want to go out with friends, but I dread summer days alone. I am looking forward to visits with my 9 yo granddaughter, but not much else. But I don't cry every day anymore. 

[Kal1120]

I passed the one year mark recently. I feel like I have more “good” days than I did a year ago, or even a few months ago....but I also still have a lot more “bad” days than I’d like to have. I try to keep busy and occupy myself. Our baby will turn 1 soon. She’s a wonderful focus for me, and sometimes it’s helpful, but other times her presence can also feel like a reminder of what will never be, what we lost. When I was at 8 weeks, I couldn’t focus on anything. I think I’ve blocked a lot of it out honestly. The nights were, and still are the hardest for me. 

[Moment2moment]

I agree with everyone here. I am 13 months out from the loss of my wife of 28 years. It is more tolerable now and there are more moments of peace and joy, but her absence never is out of my mind or heart.

She was my other half and I won't be complete until we reunite. Meanwhile I just go along and talk and relate to her and feel her presence often.

In that regard I have realized that I am not a "widow" but a married person away from her partner. That is the way I have come to define myself for now. It helps me cope and make sense of this new way of being in this world.

I keep busy doing things I like and I actively reach out to stay in touch with friends and family. I try not to isolate too much. I have dogs that I do things with and they connect me to others and offer love and fun.

You sort of have to create a modified version of a life which of course is never going to be what is was.

I see myself in a "holding pattern" until I am with my beloved again. When my time comes I will be ready to reunite with her and all my other family and pets.

At 8 weeks I was in shock and having panic attacks, afraid to leave the house. The feelings erupted gradually more and more after about 6 months. I had a grief counselor and that helped a lot.

So what I described is how I cope. I still have bad days, but not as dark as even a few months ago.

Hugs and love to you for strength and inner peace.

[Scott A]

Thank you all for giving me hope that it does get better.  My life is an emotional roller coaster.  The lows drag me to a dark place, a place of hopelessness, anger and despair. I hang on and feel better for a bit here and there, but it never lasts.  I hope tomorrow it's a better day.

[KayC]

One day at a time, you can do this.  We're here for you.

[Autocharge]

On 5/24/2019 at 11:34 PM, Scott A said:

Is there a reason to hope and believe at some point things get better? I know it's only been 8 weeks and I know there is no time table for grief.  I miss my wife so much. I miss the life we had. I miss my best friend.  I feel so low, empty, sad. Friends help, family helps, therapy helps, but at night alone, I crash.  Is this the rest of my life?

Hi Scott

It's early for you, only you know if your ready for answers to  the tough questions you're asking.

I'm three years out and here is my answer.

Life goes on no mater what. Only you can determine if it gets better or not. The choice is yours and yours alone.

try reading my post "Autocharge my experience "

Autocharge

[Jeff In Denver]

Everyone handles it differently.  Kay C has posted some very insightful comments so there is no need for me to repeat them.  Does it get better?  Well, I hit three years yesterday and my life is not better.  It can't be.  After all, she's not physically here. I really, really miss her, and that's a void that nothing can, or should, fill.  The only difference is that the pain isn't as acute.  After a while we adapt.  (That's not the same as being okay with it).   That's how we're wired.  If you lose the use of a limb, an eye, etc., they say the others pick up the slack.  I think there is some truth to that here as well.

At the core this is all about the absence of their presence.

Someone posted an excellent video here recently.  The point was that many of us never move on - and don't want to.  We move forward with it.

 

[KayC]

Excellent analogy, Jeff.  I used to work for an orthotic/prosthetic facility.  It's true, if you lose a limb, or go blind, other senses have to make up for it (I have an aunt who is blind).  Our loss doesn't necessarily get BETTER but we do get better at coping, adjusting, we learn to live with it.  I don't want that to sound like a bleak picture though, I live for my dog (although I'm losing him too now), my grandkids, the friends I've made, the life I've built.  Does it make up for losing George?  No, nothing will, ever.  But it's something at least.  We have to have something to get out of bed for, something to look forward to and it is up to us to find it or create it.

[Jeff In Denver]

Thanks, Kay C.  I am sorry to hear about your dog.   Well said, and your last sentence is one that we should all consider.

[Moment2moment]

Been thinking about this question some more. I have to say that I don't think it gets "better". It gets "different".

By that I mean that the nature of the good and bad days are constantly changing. Maybe less intense for the bad ones and more frequent for the good ones.

I know it never ever will go away until the moment when I draw my last breath.

The "it" being missing her and longing to be with her again. In that way her passing has freed me from any fear of death.