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senetopia

Girlfriend lost her dad a few months ago

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senetopia

TLDR: My girlfriend lost her dad recently, she's being cold and distant, and frequently takes her anger out on me.

(Long Story)

My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship (her in the US and me in the UK). Last late September, her dad was diagnosed with Brain Cancer suddenly. I was away in Berlin when I learnt about the news but I flew out to her as soon as I could early November. I met her family for thanksgiving for the first time, and spent about a month with her and tried to take care of her. I know my girlfriend had been handling the situation like a champion cause I know she was very close to her dad, she flew out to see him whenever she could and was there for him until the very end.

The problems started around February this year. I had been trying to be as supportive as I could from another country (checking up on her constantly, listen to her when she's upset, offer her love & support, asking about her dad and trying to get to know her dad more), but somehow it felt like it wasn't enough. The day she found out her dad was in the hospice, I tried to get her to talk to me but she didn't want to. She hadn't been opening up to me at all the whole time and I didn't really understand why she never came to me when she was upset, but instead confided with a workmate more. I know everyone has different people they confide with and it doesn't always have to be their SO but this hurt me a lot. I'll admit I let my emotions take over and I asked her why she wouldn't confide in me. She asked for space so I stopped messaging her. This was around 4pm my time, and it wasn't until midnight for me when I couldn't sleep that I tried to message her again. I didn't want to be the person that just ignored their girlfriend when they were about to lose their dad, I wanted to be their for her -those were my thoughts at the time. ( I realise what I did was silly and selfish of me and I've apologized for it since.) But she messaged back saying she was basically losing her mind and was calling her workmate over to her house again and if I messaged her again she was going to lose it. So I immediately stopped. She didn't talk to me until the next day to tell me she was going home, then nothing until a week later asking to breakup. During those days, I had been trying to research being in grief more to try to understand her situation better and also talk to my best friend who also recently lost her dad. So we talked it out and decided not to break up over this and I promised to try to be a better support for her and give her what she actually wanted from me. 

My girlfriend lost her dad in March. I flew out to see her again in April wanting to be able to support her again in person. Immediately when I arrived, I knew something was wrong. She was cold and distant even though I thought we had made up since then. I asked her what was wrong and she admitted that she was still feeling kind of upset from our fight. I was honestly shocked because I had given it my all to make it up to her by giving her space, making sure she eats and sleeps well, even buying her food and sending her a care package after her dad died (and even sent shortbread to her mum who is crazy over that stuff). We talked it out, I gave her my perspective on the fight, we promised to try to make it work by the end of the holiday. We actually fought once more during the holiday but by the end of it, it felt like were okay again. She was even really emotional to see me go this time when she doesn't usually lol 

Since then, she's been going to group therapy for grieving the loss of a parent which I'm happy for her. I still try to check up on her and talk to her when she needs me to or give her the space when she needs it. I even told her to take time away for herself to let herself properly grieve since she was so focused on trying to normalize her life again, which I think she appreciated. She does a lot for her mental health which I'm glad for cause I know she knows how to take care of herself -but I also know she wants someone to take care of her to so I try my best to be that person.

Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this on this forum because I feel like I'm at my limit right now. Some days I think we're okay, and some days my mind just goes back to all of the constant doubts I have about this relationship. My girlfriend constantly lashes out at me, she ignores me, I feel like she takes my love and patience for granted a lot and it hurts. I fully understand she's not herself right now and hasn't been for a long time because of the grief. And I'm trying my best to be patient and not take her anger personally when I know she's just stressed. I know she can't give me the support I need right now when I'm upset but I feel so neglected and disregarded a lot. I feel like I'm constantly second place in her life and I just don't know what else I can really do. I give so much to this person and I feel like I never get anything in return. I never had any doubts about our relationship until that big fight when she tried to break up with me, and now I just don't know anymore. This has taken a big toll on our relationship and I don't know how much longer I can take it. What else can I do?

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