Why should I keep going?

[Losttosoon]

I lost the love of my life a week ago today. It was a second marriage for both of us.  He will was outdated and did not reflect our marriage. He died suddenly before it was updated.  He adult children have made life very hard and care only about the money.  I care only about loosing my husband.  We spent every day together as we are retired. He was such a huge part of me it is physically painful.  I always told him I would follow him if he died and am struggling to get the financial matters sorted. Once they are I want to be with him. My life is so empty with out him.  I keep expecting him to walk in the door, but of course he will never come home again.  I know the usual response, one day at a time, family and medical support .... it doesn’t help. I want to be with him and feel him hold me again. 

[KayC]

@Losttosoon

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know it's the hardest thing in the world to go through. I['m sorry his kids aren't responding as one would hope.   

I want to welcome you here and let you know you needn't go through this alone, we are here listening, caring, understanding.  One week is so fresh, there's probably nothing any of us could say that would bring you comfort, but I can assure you that having found this spot can be very helpful to you in the future as you go through the grief journey and all of it's different stages.  Just knowing there are others who have been there and understand comes to mean a lot.  We get it.

One day at a time was probably the single best piece of advice I got as my anxiety could kick in really high thinking about the whole "rest of my life"...I found it best not to take on the whole "rest of my life" and just get through today, that is enough.  It is a coping technique.  No it doesn't bring him back, there is nothing that will make your life like before again.  It's in learning how to do today, as it is, that we help ourselves get through this.  It's like going through ebbs and flows, we learn to ride the waves.  Fighting them does no good.

I wrote this article at about ten years out of the things I'd found helpful...today you may not find anything of any use to yourself in it, but I hope there'll be something you can take away, and I encourage you to print it out and read it a few months from now, and again perhaps a year from now, because you'll be in a different place in your journey then and something may leap out at you that will be of help to you then.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

Oh, my dear, there is little anyone can say that will make things seem bearable right now. At one week, I could barely breathe, much less think of any reason why I should stay here on this earth, when my everything had been taken away from me.  Yes, it's a cliche to say "one day at a time," but right now it's really one hour, one minute, one breath at a time.  Everything is so raw, so exposed, and the future seems so dark and bleak.  These are feelings we know all too well.

Please know you've come to the right place.  Everyone here is going through something similar; we've all lost the loves of our lives.  Each of us is unique in our grief, but there is much that is universal.  Here you will find sympathy, comfort, and a place to rant, question, talk, and grieve.  KayC touched on something in another thread that has occurred to me often:  The members here know what a gift it is to have found our soulmates.  We're the ones who know "You complete me" is not just a line in a movie, but can be the absolute truth.  People who have more superficial relationships aren't the ones who find themselves here.  We understand and will always be here for you.

I'm going to be honest with you:  The question of why we should go on is extremely common.  After 10 months, I still ask myself that question more often than I expected.  Sometimes it seems as if there is no good answer and no good reason.  For me, one reason is that I know our daughter deserves to have her mom around for a while longer and our granddaughter needs to finish growing up with me there to assure her that her adored and adoring "best grandpa ever" would never have left us on purpose.  Another reason is that I know my love would be supremely angry if I didn't watch over and love our girls for both of us now.  Often times, those are the only threads keeping me anchored to the ground.

Although it does seem another cliche, please try to lean on anyone in your life who you trust.  A friend, a relative, a therapist even (and I do suggest you consider grief counseling at some point). Regardless of anything else, you can trust the members here always.  I found this forum at about 5 months when I was floundering around hopeless, bereft, and unable to care about much of anything, except how much I miss my beloved soulmate.  Truth is that the missing him and the grief of losing him are not less, but I do not feel as hopeless or lost because everyone here "gets" me.  I came here looking for ways to cope, not validation.  That I found validation for everything I was thinking, feeling, and doing was probably the best help of all.  Time has begun to temper some of the worst grief and pain, but I know they will not go away.

I am so sorry his children are causing you even more pain.  People can be so horrible to each other that I'm often still stunned by it.  Before reading this next paragraph, please keep in mind that I am not a lawyer or any kind of legal professional.  I have some questions from one spouse to another. 

May I ask what state (or country) you and your love live in?  I ask for a very specific reason.  In many places, a surviving spouse is automatically entitled to a portion, as much as half, of all assets--regardless of what any previous will says.  If your husband did not make any changes to his will when you married, you still may have significant legal rights.  If you are in a community property state, you will probably be entitled to at least half of all jointly owned assets.  That would include anything where the two of you co-mingled funds.  For example, if he had money singly before you married, but he put it into an account you owned jointly or where you both contributed, then all of that may be considered joint property.  Also, if anything you own jointly is titled JTRS (joint tenant, right of survivor), it will be yours 100% because the surviving spouse automatically inherits full ownership of property titled that way.  Also, if for example, you lived together in a home he owned singly, but you contributed to paying a mortgage, equity loan, or even regular home expenses like taxes and insurance, then you can make the case for partial interest in the property.  I'm sure there's tons more that I have no clue about because my husband was a CPA and software developer and meticulous in that way.  Plus, we were married for 35 years, so everything was jointly owned anyway.

You may already have legal counsel and know everything I mentioned above, but I wanted to mention these things just in case they can help you on the financial and legal end of things.

You are not alone and will never be alone when you come here.  I am sending you big comforting hugs.

[JES]

@Losttosoon  Im so sorry you find yourself having to be here.... I dint find myself posting here until 4 months, and I am now 8 months in.  I didnt think I'd make it through this but Im still here and the pain has lessened,  I still think of him all the time and miss him,  but time and feeling our grief is how we get through.  It always saddens me to see someone here with a new loss because I will never forget those first months and feel your pain. Nothing I can say will comfort you but I can say, I understand.  I was never suicidal as I wanted to be sure Id do everything right so I could see him on the other side someday. But I prayed to go to sleep and not wake up,  I couldnt eat, felt I had nothing to live for anymore, we all go through alot of these same feelings and many many more, and somehow time goes on and we survive...and we adjust and learn to be more capable alone. We never quit loving and missing them,  that will always be there, rightfully so.  It helps to talk, vent, get our feelings out...we will be here for you..to listen..know you are not alone in this..thinking of you. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@MikeyD,I'm so sad for you.I wish I could help,but only you can feel what your feeling.
I'm 4 and a half months in and before my husband died he told me to go live a good life,He said he would be so mad at me if I wept forever(this from a man who never talked about anything,but he was very close to death)He told me I have to big of heart to not share and that I am to good to be unhappy for life.
It was hard for me to hear and accept but I work on it every day because he must have really wanted that or he would not said it.
So even as I hurt and grieve I try to do as he wished and like to think he is watching.
The only way I can honor his life is to take care of mine.I am becoming a more honest,engaged person.I can't let his death be for nothing.
Hugs to you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@MikeyD   I am also so sad for your loss. This is one of the most devastating losses a person will ever go through.  We've lost a part of ourselves, our beloved partner,  our other half... we are all here in different timelines of our loss, some new, some many years. Im at 8 month loss of husband. I too, retired early to spend more time with him as he was disabled ( kidney transplant, other health issues).  We did everything together,  we were buddies.  The loneliness is one of the hardest parts to endure. I, fortunately have my family and friends close, places and events that force me out of my isolation. I'm sorry you don't have that....has to be hard.  I can say this forum is a big part of my lifeline now, everyone here understands, we all try to help each other, or just listen, or give each other bits of hope.  I hope you will continue to come here and see if it helps alittle, or just to talk with others who understand. There is also a Chatroom,  I haven't used but someone will walk you through it that knows.  Nights are my hardest also.  Most nights Im either posting or going to bed early...or up middle of night reading or eating.  It does help that I have 2 dogs for company and that I have to give attention, feed, bring out.  Thinking of you and sending hugs.

[SSC]

@MikeyD although I’m not “alone”, I understand working your whole life to get to this point and having your dreams shattered.  I too lost my husband, my best friend, my future.  We were together for 35 years and I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life... I have an ailing mother that relies on me and although she is in assisted living (finally). She expects to be catered to.  Of course I love her but it is so draining when your life has been turned upside down and you’re in deep grief.  Children move on, friends have their partners, we are left with nothing but sadness, guilt and what ifs.  

I have nothing to offer that makes the pain lessen.  All I know at this time in my grief, the people who have gone through the same loss are the only reason I’m half sane.  They are the ones who understand and listen.  For some reason it helps to know you’re not the only one dealing with this horror.  Vent and talk and know someone out there “gets it” 

 

wishing you peace.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, MikeyD said:

It's been nearly 2 years since my wife's passing. It doesn't get easier, I've been to grief therapy, also my doctor.  I am all alone here, we moved to this area in 2003 and I traveled quite a lot for work. My wife was able to stay at home and do photography as her passion. She took care of the new house we had built and I worked. We did everything together. We traveled quite a few times a year and she loved it. I had to retire early to care for her before she passed. We had a great 38 years together. No children. I have no one but my Mother in NJ, whom I remotely take care of. She lives alone and is still quite healthy at 87, but her mind is going. She want's to die in her home. All my family is in Germany and I did visit them last year for about a month. So now I can live on my passive income, but why? I'm alone and take care of myself. I can't let anything happen to me because of my mother is still living. After that I don't care. I didn't just lose my wife, my life is gone. I only have some co-workers that live over 2 hours away. Some life! I even went to church grief group, didn't help at all. I never had to deal with anything like this. Her death devastated me. I worked so many years to give her a retirement she could enjoy with me. I had a great life and was very lucky to have traveled as much as I and we did. She was so kind and giving. Working so hard and so long for what? I would give it all up and have spent more time with her instead of saving everything for the future. Most people don't understand my situation. Daytimes are not to bad but the nights are nearly impossible to deal with. I have no ties to anyone in the area. It's nice where I live but so alone. I just want to curl up and die.

It is sad and I can relate to all of it.  I have two kids but they live their own lives elsewhere, one I don't hear from the other one is the busiest person I know, calls about once every three weeks.  I feel alone at home too.  I've gotten used to this changed life, it's been 14 years, it took probably three years to process his death, longer than that to find purpose (I lead a grief support group) and longer yet to build a life I can live, although it's nothing like before.  I've learned not to compare now with the past, it doesn't help.

My mom had stage IV dementia and we had to put her in a dementia care facility, she also wanted to live in her home but it got too dangerous to do so, she was there longer than she should have been.  I lost her nearly five years ago and then one year ago my oldest sister, and of course many pets along the way.  

In the early grief, nights and weekends were the hardest and I didn't sleep much, it was hard to function.  Grief fog.  

I'm glad you've found your way here, it does help to have people who understand and "get it".  I have my sisters but they're across the state and the one nearby has dementia and is disabled, she's a chain smoker so I can't visit but by phone due to allergies and Asthma.  

My George was my everything.