Jump to content

CHAT NOW!

Enjoy the benefits of Premium today.

Share Your Loved One's Pictures

In our beautiful Gallery

Grief Support Marketplace

Check Our New Products In The Marketplace

Take Grieving.com on the Go!

Buy on Apple and Google Play
foreverhis

Unexpected sources of pain

Recommended Posts

foreverhis
3 hours ago, KayC said:

He won't use abbreviations on his phone and his grammar is perfect.  It drives him nuts to hear someone use a word incorrectly or spell something wrong.

Same with my husband.  He started in engineering, but switched to accounting when Boeing laid off almost all its engineers in the late 60s.  He had a quick wit and always used both sides of his brain. I was an English/Writing major with concentrations in 17th century literature (for love) and technical communication (a girl's got to make a living).  I loved that my CPA-software developer husband was as picky about language and usage as I am.  He and I and our two best friends would intentionally annoy and tease each other by misusing language, specifically pet peeves.  We'd say, "Hey, I ain't on duty today.  I can say whatever I want."  Then we'd all laugh.

It's such a gift when you find that one person who really "gets" you and knows exactly how to make you smile or laugh.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JES

Thankyou all for the thoughts for " our anniversary " today.  I did ok,  but am glad its almost over. I fell asleep for 3 hrs. this afternoon and was dreaming I was waiting for him and his friends, then they pulled up in vehicle and I asked him if he remembered the roses for our anniversary and he looked like he had forgotten, and I was confused as to how he was still here when I thought he had died..after that he became someone else and dream got really weird.  That was dream #4 only,  so Im glad it was today..mabbe a sign from him, especially as it was about the roses he always gave me.....

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
chincube
On 5/23/2019 at 12:50 AM, foreverhis said:

Yeah, there's a lot of music that's going to be really tough for me to hear.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to listen to recordings of some of his concert pieces and symphonies or any of the light opera and musicals recordings from shows we did.  OTOH, I was so darn desperate to hear his voice one day that I scrounged around in our video files until I found some short ones he made shortly after our granddaughter was born.  Just hearing his sweet voice talking to our new little one was comforting and painful at the same time.  It's just that I felt as if my mind was forgetting what his voice sounded like and that was an intolerable thought.

I suspect most of us have certain music that will be difficult.  Maybe it's the song we danced to at our wedding or the song that was playing when we met or the last song we heard together or just any specific piece of music that is uniquely "our song."  Music is an expression of emotions, so how could it be otherwise?

Both me and my boyfriend are musicians, we played same genre of music and in fact that was how we met. He was an excellent musician and dancer, that made him known to people all around the world in the scene of this genre. For living I teach music and especially this genre of music. It was so hard for me to hear even just one sound of the instrument we both play, after a week of his passing I had to go back into class to teach this music that means so much for us. There are so many times during classes that I feel like I'd break down crying, when I remember his face when he played and danced.

He used to always sang about me, he would put words to some melody and just sang about me. It's sad that I cannot remember any of them now, because I didn't know the melodies. but I too had been digging up videos to look for him singing or talking, at the end I had to dig up on the internet for some other Europeans and Americans who posted videos of him on internet that he sang. And then when I finally found it, I couldn't bear to listen to it....

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Moment2moment

After my partner died last May I took on a flower delivery job. This was something I had done off and on for years and it gave (and gives, as I am doing it again since Mothers Day week) me so much joy and gets me out and about to intetrsting places.

Anyway, during last summer there wasn't hardly anyplace where she had worked or had some sort of medical procedure or stay that I didn't deliver a flower to. Hospital, nursing home, offices, even the hospice unit where she stayed for monthly respite. 

It was a constant inner journey and review of grief for me, remembering everything that happened in these places, the good and the bad.

The only place I have not been back to is the hospice unit where she died. I am not sure I could manage that though I expect to get a delivery there at any time.

The reason I bring all this up is that yesterday I returned to the inpatient rehab facility that she was in for 3 weeks in 2016.

I had a flower arrangement to deliver and while doing that and walking those halls I remembered and relived the memories of being there.

And they were not good ones and it was not fun. The experience jolted me back to a time of extreme sadness and hurt and I felt it all strongly as the self-protective filters were now dissolved. 

I guess after 30 years together and after all the last years of sadness and loss there is no way of getting away from reliving things that hurt so bad.

These things are painful to feel again but they also make me feel her presence in the here and now. I know she is free now and not suffering anymore.

I can never forget the bad along with the good.

In a way now my life's purpose seems to be to wander in a landscape of memories.

Nothing else makes sense to me. It is my new identity as the keeper of who she was and who we were as a family with our dogs.

The rest is just waiting for my turn to cross over.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis

@JES  Oh, my dear, I wish we could all be there to hug and comfort you.  If I could I'd send you a garden full of roses full of love.

I dread our upcoming anniversary in June.  We had two anniversaries.  One for the day it was just us.  The second when we had another ceremony with our small group of family and loving friends.  I already had to deal with the first last fall.  I intentionally traveled home from a Thanksgiving visit to my sister and family, but it was still so painful.

I'm glad you slept today, even though your dreams went somewhat sideways.  You know he was there, somehow, comforting you and surrounding you with his love.

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC
17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Same with my husband.  He started in engineering, but switched to accounting when Boeing laid off almost all its engineers in the late 60s.  He had a quick wit and always used both sides of his brain. I was an English/Writing major with concentrations in 17th century literature (for love) and technical communication (a girl's got to make a living).  I loved that my CPA-software developer husband was as picky about language and usage as I am.  He and I and our two best friends would intentionally annoy and tease each other by misusing language, specifically pet peeves.  We'd say, "Hey, I ain't on duty today.  I can say whatever I want."  Then we'd all laugh.

It's such a gift when you find that one person who really "gets" you and knows exactly how to make you smile or laugh.

My son came by it rightly, because I'm the same way.  The difference being, he knows all the grammar rules whereas I just have a feel for them.  But we definitely have the same pet peeves!  I have to restrain myself from being the grammar police on FB.  LOL  I remind myself everyone is not the same and it really isn't important to most of the world.  My my teacher from high school would roll over in her grave!

It's nice the two of you got each other and could laugh.  My George was not the same as my son and I.  He had a couple of things he said that would have drove me nuts if it was someone else, but being as it was him, it was endearing.  For instance, he used to say "Once soever" instead of "whatsoever"...I never did correct him!  ;)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC
9 hours ago, chincube said:

It was so hard for me to hear even just one sound of the instrument we both play, after a week of his passing I had to go back into class to teach this music that means so much for us.

Wow, that must have been so hard!  I can't imagine.  Much different than seeing a fellow welder (what George was)...music is part of your soul and very connected to our emotions.

8 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I guess after 30 years together and after all the last years of sadness and loss there is no way of getting away from reliving things that hurt so bad.

I remember having to go to the hospital where George died, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing and I think it was about a year after his death.  I went to visit my friend in the hospital, he and his wife were close friends of mine.  He felt bad for "causing me pain" and I told him I had to get through this some time or another and I wouldn't have missed visiting him for anything...but neither could I stop the tears flowing.  I guess the one way to get through it, for myself, is to leave my comfort zone and just do it.  But dang, it's hard!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC
11 hours ago, JES said:

Thankyou all for the thoughts for " our anniversary " today.  I did ok,  but am glad its almost over. I fell asleep for 3 hrs. this afternoon and was dreaming I was waiting for him and his friends, then they pulled up in vehicle and I asked him if he remembered the roses for our anniversary and he looked like he had forgotten, and I was confused as to how he was still here when I thought he had died..after that he became someone else and dream got really weird.  That was dream #4 only,  so Im glad it was today..mabbe a sign from him, especially as it was about the roses he always gave me.....

JES, I'm glad you got him in your dreams on your anv, even if only for a brief time.  Wish I could dream of George, it seems I have no control over it though! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
9 hours ago, KayC said:

The difference being, he knows all the grammar rules whereas I just have a feel for them.  But we definitely have the same pet peeves!  I have to restrain myself from being the grammar police on FB.

You know that having the feel of a language as wacky as American English is half the battle, right?  For some usage, it's easy to do a rule check.  For example, in "pronoun and pronoun" clauses (like "he and I"), you can quickly check which is correct by removing one and making the clause single.  "Want to go to the store with him and I?" might seem correct to our ears, but of course it should be "him and me."  Pronoun usage is one of my pet peeves.  But like you, I don't correct others, no matter how much I want to scream.

My mother was an English and French major and taught middle school.  She also felt it was her prerogative to correct people in public.  She didn't care that it was inappropriate.  One of her pet peeves was misuse of apostrophes.  I can't count the number of times she erased or rewrote things like menu chalkboards.  She would even correct printed/promotional material and send it to whoever wrote it.  It was so frustrating to us, but we could not get her to stop.  Parents, the gift that keeps on giving...

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
18 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I guess after 30 years together and after all the last years of sadness and loss there is no way of getting away from reliving things that hurt so bad.

These things are painful to feel again but they also make me feel her presence in the here and now. I know she is free now and not suffering anymore.

There's been an ear surgery I've needed for more than 3 years now.  For 2 years we rightly considered my husband's health the priority because mine is a revision for a 2006 procedure and it's not urgent.  Now I don't know if I'll ever do it.  I don't have someone at home to take care of me afterward and I don't know if I'll ever be able to face going to our local hospital again.

You're so right about how painful it is to even contemplate.  I do want to believe he is restored to health and not suffering, in whatever form that might be.

Some days I do feel as if I'm in danger of seeing and feeling only the past few years and forgetting the more than 3 decades that came before them.  But it hasn't even been a year, so I expect it will be a long time until I can face certain things.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Billie Rae
You know that having the feel of a language as wacky as American English is half the battle, right?  For some usage, it's easy to do a rule check.  For example, in "pronoun and pronoun" clauses (like "he and I"), you can quickly check which is correct by removing one and making the clause single.  "Want to go to the store with him and I?" might seem correct to our ears, but of course it should be "him and me."  Pronoun usage is one of my pet peeves.  But like you, I don't correct others, no matter how much I want to scream.
My mother was an English and French major and taught middle school.  She also felt it was her prerogative to correct people in public.  She didn't care that it was inappropriate.  One of her pet peeves was misuse of apostrophes.  I can't count the number of times she erased or rewrote things like menu chalkboards.  She would even correct printed/promotional material and send it to whoever wrote it.  It was so frustrating to us, but we could not get her to stop.  Parents, the gift that keeps on giving...
Yes,it's sooo hard to not correct people,wrong pronunciation and my huge pet peeve is putting a qualifier before"unique".I also hate text abbreviation.
My love is books,the written and spoken word
Some words draw me in.
Jeanne,I'm glad you got some sleep.I wish I could sit and hold your hand.
Love you all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
1 hour ago, Billie Rae said:

my huge pet peeve is putting a qualifier before"unique"

Argh! I agree.  I also loathe the misuse of "more" to modify adverbs.  I can do something quickly or faster, but I cannot do it more quickly or more faster.  Ditto for trying to modify any type of superlative.

Now I guess I should go most quickly into the kitchen to pour a glass of the almost unique wine I have in the refrigerator.:D

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC
14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My mother was an English and French major and taught middle school.

Alas they were doing experimenting on us when I was in school and didn't teach us language structure, we got a little from my favorite business teacher when she discovered how illiterate we all were, I appreciated that.  She stopped our typing class and gave us a lesson!  We could have used a lot more.

It drives me nuts seeing horrible grammatical errors from newspapers and law offices.  There is no excuse from a professional!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.