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foreverhis

Unexpected sources of pain

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foreverhis

I've mentioned that I keep the TV on in the evenings for the sound and distraction.  Later at night, I generally stream something I've already watched because I really have no capacity to think or concentrate on anything new.  There are any number of shows and movies I avoid like the plague because I know they'll hurt for one reason or another.  The last few nights I've been watching a series we watched 10 years ago.  It's not heavy, but it's not a comedy; I think they're called dramedies because the plots are dramas, but there are bits of humor throughout.  It was and is enjoyable...except last night. 

After 10 years, I don't necessarily remember the backstories of all the characters.  One of the main characters and one of the new secondary characters have been having "moments" and a bit of flirtation.  She has been keeping her distance, so the male character said to her that he would be happy with whatever relationship she wanted them to have, friendship or otherwise.  That part was okay.

Then she explained her back story, looking at a picture of her husband, and said something like, "Ever since John died, there's a moment every day, just a moment, when I wake up expecting him to be next to me.  Then I remember why he's not.  I start each day with that pain."  I just freaking lost it because that's exactly what happens to me every morning.  In fact, some of us have talked about that here.  Naturally, this scene played out as I was getting ready to go to sleep, which didn't happen until a couple of hours later.  I slept particularly poorly last night...what a shock.  I can only imagine that one of the writers has gone through what we're going through because no one, at least no one I know, would realize or understand that's what happens.

I really had no way of remembering from so long ago that this particular character had this particular loss.  I've said from the beginning that some of the hardest times are the ones that smack me in the heart when I least expect it.  I know they're unavoidable because we don't always know or remember some of the things that will hurt the most.

That's all.  I just needed to get that out of my system.

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Billie Rae

Feel my arms around you in a big big hug
Love you.
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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reader

Thinking of you. Sending you hugs. Those moments are so hard.

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foreverhis

Thank you both so much.  I can feel those hugs coming to me.  What a comfort to have people who truly understand.

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Billie Rae

They do come as such a surprise,we never know.
When I see carharts,or this weekend when I had to go tool shopping it hurt so bad to stand in that isle in home depot I had to leave and go to Lowe's.
I drive by our old house and sit in front and let the heartbreak wash over me.
I love you Foreverhis

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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chincube

I watched a show when 2 persons were just getting to know each other at the beginning of their relationship, telling stories from their childhood.

I thought, that's so sweet and refreshing, I remember that feeling when we were doing that - that we didn't know each other, and then we stripped our soul naked for each other to know.

Then I lost it.

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Scott A

Seems like daily something triggers my emotions...a song, a tv show, a memory that flashes through my mind, an activity we used during share that now I'm doing alone.  Will it ever get better or is this the rest of my life?  Just know you're not alone.  And you're definitely not alone when it comes to leaving the tv on for sound and distracting.  

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KayC
21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I really had no way of remembering from so long ago that this particular character had this particular loss.

When you watched it ten years ago, it didn't likely hit you because you hadn't experienced losing your spouse.  It was more easily forgotten.  This time though, it hit you, you related, and won't likely forget it.  It is that way in life...how something can change our lives so completely once we've experienced it.  It was that way when my sister had a car accident that left her a quadriplegic, damaged her vocal chords, and killed her three year old...everything from that point on was a "before" or "after" that moment because it was such a defining moment in my family's lives.  Losing George was like that for me also.  The "before" becomes more distant as the "after" is my life now.

You are getting slapped upside the head with these rude awakening moments that jolt you afresh...it's been a long time since I've been hit with that because it's been so long, it's deeply entrenched in me that this is my life now.  I'm kind of glad that I don't get jarred again and again with his being gone...I did when my grief was fresher, somehow it sinks in at some point, I don't even remember when it happened.  Probably so gradual that it became less and less frequent.  Reliving that pain is very hard.

No, you're not alone.

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, KayC said:

When you watched it ten years ago, it didn't likely hit you because you hadn't experienced losing your spouse.  It was more easily forgotten. 

i was thinking about that yesterday.  For me it's also that shows or movies we watch once, enjoy, and then don't think about again for a long time get stuffed into non-essential files in the back of my brain.  That's especially true for some of the smaller supporting characters and secondary plot lines.  Part of my auto-immune conditions include a form of brain fog and memory loss.  I can no longer keep as much detail in memory--Maybe I need a bigger hard drive and more RAM!

What struck me most was how exactly the character described that specific daily pain.  I wondered how anyone who hasn't experienced it could truly "get" it and write it.

I know that time will soften, though not completely relieve, all the little things that make certain hurts feel fresh.  After 10 months, I no longer cry as much each day and some things are more tolerable than in the very beginning.  I went grocery shopping the other day, kept focused on my list, and for the first time didn't tear up at the deli counter when I saw his favorite type of ham in the case.  It's not and never will be easy, but some things can be less painful.  But there are movies, musicals/operas/concert pieces, and TV shows that I'm going to avoid forever because I know without any doubt that they will always, always hurt.  In a way that's a different kind of pain because those things are so deeply meaningful to both of us. 

There's actually something I've been meaning to mention about music.  Several articles and websites have suggested music as a gift for grieving spouses.  I want to warn everyone about making that assumption when the couple are musicians.  Our lives are deeply entwined with all kinds of music.  Some of it will trigger deep pain.  Make sure that a grieving spouse will find specific music comforting before you gift it.

Even our daughter didn't quite realize that.  She sent me a link to a documentary about the history of West Side Story.  She was genuinely trying to do something to comfort me because it's a show that has deep connections for us as a family and for her dad and me as a couple, but I had to tell her that I couldn't watch it now.  The first thing I played for my love on his last day was the Bernstein recording of the West Side symphonic dances.  As well, the short, beautiful ballad "One Hand, One Heart" was one of her dad's favorites because of it's simplicity and sentiment.  It ended up as an earworm for me for nearly 3 weeks after that.  The truth is, of course, that I want the last line to be true, maybe I need it to be true in order to go on now.  Edit:  It occurs to me that most people probably don't know the lyric.  Here's that last line:  "Even death won't part us now."  But my point remains the same.  Musicians usually have a different kind of deeply personal emotional connection to music.

You're all so comforting to me.  Being able to share without worrying about anyone thinking I've gone completely 'round the bend is a tremendous gift.  I don't take any of you for granted.

Sending everyone huge hugs of love and gratitude.

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JES

@foreverhis.   I still have hard time with music, Kevin loved it so much.  He made me 2 cassettes right after we started dating with songs that told me how he felt.  He was always leaning over and singing to me.    So yes, most music is still hard for me, and probably for many others.  I can't even watch the shows on tv that we watched together...so instead I watch shows he really didn't like.  Mabbe someday......?  Thinking of you, and just know we "get" how you are feeling and understand.  Jeanne

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Billie Rae

@Foreverhis@Jes,
When Charlie was sick he would ask me to put on"Forensic Files"because the tone of the show relaxed him,he made it through seasons 1-8 episode 22 and I can't finish watching season 9,for some odd reason I think that will be his official leaving.At the same time I'm strangely drawn to shows he loved and I hated I watch obsessively.
Guess we have to deal with this pain in a way that only our hearts understand.
I love you both.
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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foreverhis
13 hours ago, JES said:

He was always leaning over and singing to me.

Is there anything in the world more romantic and sweet than the man or woman we love singing to us?  Well, that of course assumes he or she can carry a tune somewhat. Though I wonder if that would even matter to non-musicians.  It's the idea of it, the love and vulnerability it shows, that usually makes our hearts flutter and our minds sigh with contentment--Well, mine at least.

My husband was a trombone and guitar player, as well as a conductor and musical director, by avocation.  He did not sing on stage.  But he had perfect pitch and a beautiful, natural baritone voice.  I always loved it when he would sing with the radio or sing something he'd heard or work with singers and the orchestra during rehearsals. Whenever I was helping him choose songs to use for audition callbacks, we'd sing little bits of this and that to make sure it was what he wanted to hear when he and the stage director were selecting the leads.  I've always been a sucker for a good baritone voice anyway.  His could just melt my heart.  The very last few songs I played for him were ballads we love.  I sang along with them quietly and hope so much that he could hear my love for him.  And I swear he was a musician to the end because he took his last breath as the final notes of the last song drifted away.  You see, musicians never, never leave a musical phrase unfinished.

Yeah, there's a lot of music that's going to be really tough for me to hear.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to listen to recordings of some of his concert pieces and symphonies or any of the light opera and musicals recordings from shows we did.  OTOH, I was so darn desperate to hear his voice one day that I scrounged around in our video files until I found some short ones he made shortly after our granddaughter was born.  Just hearing his sweet voice talking to our new little one was comforting and painful at the same time.  It's just that I felt as if my mind was forgetting what his voice sounded like and that was an intolerable thought.

I suspect most of us have certain music that will be difficult.  Maybe it's the song we danced to at our wedding or the song that was playing when we met or the last song we heard together or just any specific piece of music that is uniquely "our song."  Music is an expression of emotions, so how could it be otherwise?

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Fmf

I can so relate to what may of you on this thread have said.  It is the unexpected that hits us so hard because it is just that , unexpected.  For me personally I have been able to "prepare" myself for events that I know will bring emotion with them so I am able to handle them better. Its these events that catch us off guard that I think are the hardest because they come out of nowhere because we are not even conscious of them.  I have the same Dr as my husband did.  I was there last week and brought into the same exam room that we were told that Dr thought my husband had cancer. I couldn't believe the wave of emotion that hit me and I found myself crying my eyes out while waiting for the Dr.  As far as TV shows, my husband loved a particular series. I would watch with him occasionally.  Well last night I caught up on the last few episodes one being the series finale.  I cried at the end, not because the series was ending but because my husband missed it and I thought about what he would have said about the ending.I agree with you @JESits nice to have people who "get it" and help us realize we are not losing it because of our reactions.  

 

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edrodcapt

John 16:22 “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.”

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JES

@foreverhis Yes the singing to me was very romantic, he had a ok voice but I wouldnt have cared. Sounds like your guy was a great singer...you must've enjoyed that so much. And I agree, certain songs will always trigger emotions and memories.                           @Fmf I think I know what series you watched as we watched it too. Big Bang theory?  I quit watching when Kevin passed..but my son told me it was ending so I did watch finale. I cried also, and it was because he wasn't here to see it end. I totally get it, now I know it wasnt just me over reacting.                     @Billie Rae  We also have quite afew unfinished seasons of shows we started watching, mostly on Netflix, we sat up into early a.m. watching.  I hope to get an interest back someday but by then I may need to start over completely.  I didnt always like his taste in shows but I ended up really liking most of them as much as he did.                                           @edrodcapt Thankyou for sharing that scripture. It helps to have hope for complete joy forever.                           

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KayC
On 5/21/2019 at 10:17 AM, foreverhis said:

I want to warn everyone about making that assumption when the couple are musicians.

My George wasn't a musician but he LOVED music and had quite an eclectic taste.  At first I listened to all of his CDS and tried to find what it was he loved about that particular one.  Once I'd gone through all of them, which took months, I had no desire to go back and listen to them again, I gave them to a friend of his but kept the ones I particularly liked...but it's too hard for me to listen to them, much too hard.  And that's at nearly 14 years out!  Music we have an especially emotional connection with and I wouldn't recommend giving music to someone who just lost their spouse, not at all.  Some might like it but some might be undone by it!

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KayC
20 hours ago, JES said:

I can't even watch the shows on tv that we watched together.

I canceled my t.v. altogether for several years!

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KayC
6 hours ago, edrodcapt said:

John 16:22 “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.”

Yes, thank you for this!

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Fmf
7 hours ago, JES said:

Big Bang theory?

@JES  you are correct!!  Knowing how I felt I’d say you weren’t overreacting. There are several shows/movies on TV that I can’t watch because it was something we watched together.  My DVR is filled with recordings that I can’t  delete yet because he set them to be recorded.  For me it’s these “small” things that I seem to have the most difficulty with. Where the larger more obvious things I have an easier time dealing with head on. 

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foreverhis
17 hours ago, KayC said:

Music we have an especially emotional connection with and I wouldn't recommend giving music to someone who just lost their spouse, not at all.  Some might like it but some might be undone by it!

That was exactly my first thought when I was reading some of the articles for friends and family.  I can understand why someone might think a gift of music could be comforting, but it's risky unless someone knows 100% that the specific music won't trigger deep pain.

Music in general is still really hard for me.  As a musician, I would never have thought that could happen.  My entire family are musicians by avocation, not profession.  And both his mother and my parents were eclectic in their tastes.  I learned to read music at the same time I learned to read words.  In fact, I have no memory of a time I wasn't surrounded by music.  Apparently, that made for some odd moments when I was in kindergarten.  It seems that when we were learning the "little teapot" and "itsy bitsy spider" songs, I popped up with something like, "This is stupid" and my parents had to explain to me why that was inappropriate.

I'm glad you were able to listen to George's favorites to find a connection, but sure understand why you couldn't do it again.  Music is an amazing expression of the range of emotions.  Even new music can be difficult.  A song I'd never heard came on the radio, it was about feeling as if you don't deserve the gift of love you've been granted.  And there I am sobbing and thinking, "Yeah, I get that."

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foreverhis
On 5/22/2019 at 11:28 AM, JES said:

 I think I know what series you watched as we watched it too. Big Bang theory?  I quit watching when Kevin passed..but my son told me it was ending so I did watch finale. I cried also, and it was because he wasn't here to see it end. I totally get it, now I know it wasnt just me over reacting.

We never watched that show together, but I was always looking for something entertaining while doing my prescribed physical therapy.  About 4 years ago I ran across reruns.  A good friend said I should definitely watch because the characters and guest stars would hit close to home.  I spent most of my grown up career corralling engineers, scientists, and yes, even an astronaut or two and bending them to my will.  It's true there are lots of cliches, but good grief so much of it was accurate!

I would sometimes grab new episodes using On Demand.  It had been a really, really long time since a sit-com made me LOL.

So 2 days ago, I went to On Demand to check out the finale.  So often series finales are disappointing, but I thought it was wonderful. 

SPOILER ALERT IF YOU PLAN TO BUT HAVEN'T WATCHED YET

I imagine there were viewers who didn't like that over a decade(?) the initial cliche of "geeky scientists, arrogant genius, and blonde farm girl" had morphed and matured, even while keeping their initial quirks and flaws.  I don't see how they couldn't because even a sitcom should have character development.  After all, the inevitability of change really is the only constant.  I was truly touched by Sheldon's last speech as he finally admitted that he couldn't have made it without his friends, that he knew he didn't deserve them, and that he loved them.  I think my husband might have ended up enjoying the show because it's not often we have science and silly all in one.  Plus, the guest stars were a who's who of the sci-fi and science world.  Seriously, what could be funnier than Stephen Hawking saying "Neener, neener"?

These last several months, I've continued to watch reruns while doing my PT.  It's been one of the few things that has made me really smile.

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JES

Ive always loved music too,  but Kevin more so...he knew all the words, who singers were and who wrote the songs. Always quizzing me...I wasnt good at it.  At cottage,  had music on 24/7,  on low while sleeping.  Beatles ( Lennon the most) his favorite.  And singing lol. My son said after he passed that he prob. ran into John Lennon and was talking his ear off.  I guess you can tell he was a type "A" personality.  I can handle music on car radio now, harder at home yet. I really need tv for background noise or house would be too silent.  We loved BigBang theory as I guess much of the country did.  I guess it still was sad that it was ending and Sheldons last speech.  Besides Kevin not being here.  Endings and change are hard.  Glad you were able to smile  @foreverhis ,  we need to be able to laugh and enjoy things again.  Today 8 months for me, and tommorow, the 24th, our wedding anniversary.  So far Im doing ok, so we' ll see what tommorow brings. I did post alot yesterday,  may have been sensing these days coming up.  If you start seeing me answering my own posts you' ll know its a really bad day. Lol.  Love to all.

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Billie Rae

Oh Jes,please feel my heart with you tomorrow and go treat yourself to something,even if it's rest.
I hope you feel Kevin's love radiating around you in the air.You know he's with you.
Love you.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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foreverhis
11 hours ago, JES said:

If you start seeing me answering my own posts you' ll know its a really bad day. Lol.  Love to all.

You know we'll all be here for you.  We'll be thinking of you and sending warmth, comfort, and hugs.  Please don't hesitate to come here for support because we will never let you fall. 

 

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KayC
19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's true there are lots of cliches, but good grief so much of it was accurate!

Same reason I love the show!  My son is an engineer (computer, electrical, and mechanical) and has very linear thinking.  He comes across as precise but unemotional.  He does have emotion, just doesn't often show it.  When he was a toddler we called him Little Man (he seemed very grown up) or Spock.  He always came up with technical sounding explanations that were over my head.  He won't use abbreviations on his phone and his grammar is perfect.  It drives him nuts to hear someone use a word incorrectly or spell something wrong.  When I found Big Bang Theory, I loved it!  
 

 

18 hours ago, JES said:

Today 8 months for me, and tommorow, the 24th, our wedding anniversary.

Thinking of you today, dear Jeanne, I never know what to say for that, I only know my own is hard, but none so hard as that first one without him.  I try to keep a positive spin on it though and think of the day fondly, it is, after all, representation of the best day of our lives!

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