Hes Gone

[Heartbroken519]

In a recently long distance relationship due to work with the love of my life. We'd been together 5 years, 4 of those together before having to do temporary long distance.  He was my whole world. I lost him today and I dont know that I'll ever be okay. He left for a ride, told me he loved me, sent me a picture of his handsome smile.. and then never text back. It's been my biggest fear, especially being long distance. When I didn't hear back I started to worry,  then worry more as more time passed. I text, called and emailed.. debated when to raise concern because it's always been my biggest fear. Then I got the call. We had a vacation planned for next month, a cruise in February. He is.. was.. my everything. We'd even recently discussed having a baby. I spent every morning, lunch and evening on the phone with him after moving. Im scared to go to work tomorrow without his good morning call. To complicate feelings more, he works for the same company. I don't know how to cope. How to feel. How to understand I'll never hear his voice again. I don't understand why. He was the most amazing man I'd ever known. How does someone get through the worst pain I've ever known? And how do you get to the point of wanting to feel better? I only want him...

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  You found this place when your grief is it's freshest, rawest...I can assure you we will not leave you to go through this alone, every one of us has been through this, we all have different timetables, mine is probably the longest at nearly 14 years, but I remember "the day" like it was yesterday, for it's indelibly etched in my heart and memory.  Everything in life is a "before" or "after" that moment in time.

Is it possible you can take time off work?  I can't imagine working right after it happened.  I went in at five days to do the payroll, but other than that, I didn't return to work for two weeks and even that was very soon.  My boss had someone speak to my coworkers before I returned, he let them know of his grief experience (loss of his toddler) and what to expect and how to respond.  It was very thoughtful and very helpful.  Later that year the company went down, beginning of the recession.  It took me 5 1/2 months of the six months unemployment to actually land a job.  I got laid off a couple more times before retiring and living off my savings until I could file social security.  

I say this not to scare you but to let you know that things had a way of working out.  I didn't lose my home although I definitely went through some hard places.  But losing the love of our lives has a way of giving us perspective, like nothing else.  We know what the hardest thing in the world is, therefore, if something hard hits, we know we'll get through it, we've already survived the end of the world.

If you were talking of having a baby, you are still young...and that seems the unfairest of all.  My heart goes out to young people going through this.  My George and I didn't meet until our mid-40s, and to lose him just 6 1/2 years later, it felt like we'd just put our lives together and now it was unraveling apart.  People would talk about how they'd been married 50 years, my heart felt the unfairness, why couldn't we have gotten to grow old together?  We'd bought the porch swing!  

This is the place where people "get it", they've been there, they understand.  Those who had superficial marriages aren't the ones coming here, it's the ones that had found their soul mate, the ones who are deeply grieving that stick around here.

You ask how you get to the point of wanting to feel better.  It's all a process and it takes much time to get through this; there's no expiration date to grief, it doesn't last merely a year and then back to wearing bright colors.  It's much more complex than that.  It is with us for the rest of our lives, but it doesn't stay the same, it is ever-evolving.  I've learned not to fear the grief, as I did in the beginning, for it is my constant companion.  I have come to know it well.  I've learned there is no way around it, no way to circumvent it, for at the end of the day, it is still there with me.  

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

I wrote this article at about ten years out, things I'd learned, things that were helpful.  I hope one of these tips is of help to you today...others may speak to you later.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Billie Rae]

I'm so sad for your pain.
This is the most difficult time you will ever,EVER go through,it will change you,change your friends,change how you see the world.
My husband went in January after a 3 month battle with cancer and my world went upside down,I lost my home,our friends but somehow that stuff doesn't matter.
I now live in a beautiful,peaceful apartment
But I miss him each minute of the day.
You won't"heal"instead you will develop a new relationship with him and it will forever be there.You will have highs and the lowest of lows,you will be sad,angry and feel guilty you will scream,cry and just be despondent
all of these are normal so let yourself feel all of it,no easy way through this.
We get it,We are with you.
Hugs to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[DHG]

Heartbroken519, I am so very sorry you are going thru this.  Sounds like you and your love were young if you were thinking of having a baby.  All the more tragic...My husband died suddenly 7 weeks ago of a heart attack.  We were married 25 years.  Here one day working outside in the yard (he did too much, looking back on it) and he had the attack in the middle of that night and died within an hour.  The shock was so surreal.  I realize now how that shock protected me from the immense grief.  And, I am sorting thru it now and probably will be for a very long time.  I hate this phrase, but Life does go on...whether we want it to or not.  I guess that's a good thing in a way.  I hate that he is not here with me everyday.  I talk to him out loud...I say all my thoughts to him, just like I did when he was here.  He will always be here with me....death can't take that away from me.  I kiss his picture every day. 

I hope time helps you....it is helping me put the pieces of my life back.....just in a different way than I had imagined before he died.....  This is a good forum for people like us....I have found that really no one else truly understands how we feel, even tho' they mean well....if you haven't gone thru something like this you just don't know....it has helped me reading everyone's posts and stories. 

My heart goes out to you.

[chincube]

@Heartbroken519 I feel so much heartache for you, as from what you wrote I can relate very much. I received the same phone call like you did just 6 weeks ago, and we were in a long distance relationship too. It was also very sudden unexpected call, I was just talking on the phone with him for hours earlier that day. About 10 hours later I received the call that he's gone.

We had planned me visiting him in July as well, and we were so excited about spending time together again that we talked about it multiple times everyday. We talked about babies even though it's not the time due to distance, but we talked about that a lot and he even had names picked out. We also talked hours and hours everyday about everything, I spend every waking minute thinking about him, and he's the kind of guy that didn't get embarrassed from bringing a piece of clothing of me around when he missed me.

I can only imagine what you are going through now, but I still remember my first few days just like yesterday. I screamed at his best friend who called me to give the news for about an hour, hanging up and then called again and screamed some more, asking him to stop messing with me and give the damn phone to my man. I didn't eat or sleep or leave home for days, I just lay there motionless crying my sockets out. It's the most horrible time in my life.

Try to take some time off from work if you can. I'm a freelancer so I could take a day of work from each work place, so in total I got away from work for a week. Then I worked a bit and then Easter holiday started, so I more or less got off for about 3 weeks. After 3 weeks it was still very hard to get back to work, but at least I felt that it was time for me to get my time occupied.

But for now, I think the only thing you can do now is let yourself cry, let yourself do or not do whatever you feel like - but try to take care of your basic needs. Drink some soup, or small bites of food, my first days were cherry tomatoes, eggs pretty much that's all. If you feel like sleeping, do even if it's midday. break things into small chunks, so that you can do a bit at a time.

At 6 weeks now, I have been going to therapy weekly, I started meditating, I have tried to be conscious of my eating - still I cannot say I am better, but I am more or less functional even though I'm more like a machine. I still have no clue how to go on with my life, or what will be normal, and I still want him as badly as I was on day 1. I started to have a new routine that I can count on, i open my eyes and count how many days it is, I make coffee, I go to work, I get off work, I eat, then I do my break down of the day (so that I don't break down during the day), I meditate and then I sleep. The routine helps time to pass easier, and then once it's dark outside I can look forward that the day is ending soon. It's passive living, but it's all I can do.

Truth to be told, I still don't want to get better, I still just want him. Maybe the others who have been in this for longer would have an answer, but I don't know when would I get to the point to want to feel better too. But some days are easier too, especially when I dream of him, then I would feel like I spent some time with him. Some days are worse, like my birthday or for no reason, but I just let it be.

[Scott A]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain and loss.  I think grieving is more important than feeling better.  I would suggest you take as much time as you need to grieve, don't hold back, rely on family and friends, put yourself first.  It's a terrible thing you are going through, trust me you are not alone.

[Heartbroken519]

8 hours ago, chincube said:

@Heartbroken519 I feel so much heartache for you, as from what you wrote I can relate very much. I received the same phone call like you did just 6 weeks ago, and we were in a long distance relationship too. It was also very sudden unexpected call, I was just talking on the phone with him for hours earlier that day. About 10 hours later I received the call that he's gone.

We had planned me visiting him in July as well, and we were so excited about spending time together again that we talked about it multiple times everyday. We talked about babies even though it's not the time due to distance, but we talked about that a lot and he even had names picked out. We also talked hours and hours everyday about everything, I spend every waking minute thinking about him, and he's the kind of guy that didn't get embarrassed from bringing a piece of clothing of me around when he missed me.

I can only imagine what you are going through now, but I still remember my first few days just like yesterday. I screamed at his best friend who called me to give the news for about an hour, hanging up and then called again and screamed some more, asking him to stop messing with me and give the damn phone to my man. I didn't eat or sleep or leave home for days, I just lay there motionless crying my sockets out. It's the most horrible time in my life.

Try to take some time off from work if you can. I'm a freelancer so I could take a day of work from each work place, so in total I got away from work for a week. Then I worked a bit and then Easter holiday started, so I more or less got off for about 3 weeks. After 3 weeks it was still very hard to get back to work, but at least I felt that it was time for me to get my time occupied.

But for now, I think the only thing you can do now is let yourself cry, let yourself do or not do whatever you feel like - but try to take care of your basic needs. Drink some soup, or small bites of food, my first days were cherry tomatoes, eggs pretty much that's all. If you feel like sleeping, do even if it's midday. break things into small chunks, so that you can do a bit at a time.

At 6 weeks now, I have been going to therapy weekly, I started meditating, I have tried to be conscious of my eating - still I cannot say I am better, but I am more or less functional even though I'm more like a machine. I still have no clue how to go on with my life, or what will be normal, and I still want him as badly as I was on day 1. I started to have a new routine that I can count on, i open my eyes and count how many days it is, I make coffee, I go to work, I get off work, I eat, then I do my break down of the day (so that I don't break down during the day), I meditate and then I sleep. The routine helps time to pass easier, and then once it's dark outside I can look forward that the day is ending soon. It's passive living, but it's all I can do.

Truth to be told, I still don't want to get better, I still just want him. Maybe the others who have been in this for longer would have an answer, but I don't know when would I get to the point to want to feel better too. But some days are easier too, especially when I dream of him, then I would feel like I spent some time with him. Some days are worse, like my birthday or for no reason, but I just let it be.

Thank you all for your comfort. While my friends and family are great, none of them know how I feel, you all do. Chincube, this right here.. this is exactly it. I dont know right now how I can ever be okay again. We talked every second of every day. I cant work because I think of him, I cant be outside because I think of him, I cant eat because I'm so heartbroken and I cant believe this is my life now. I dont want to get better either. I just need him. This is so hard. His funeral is Saturday. I dont know how I can physically get through this. I know I dont have a choice but the pain is unbearable. The news story published yesterday of his death.. im devistated. 

[Nely]

@Heartbroken519, I am truly sorry about your loss. I cant even imagine what you are going through now because the thought of the early weeks after my husband passed and how broken I was still breaks me into a million pieces. I never knew I could survive and be alive today. Its been a year and a month since then but the pains are still there and the memory is as fresh. Its a good thing you found your way here. I joined this forum exactly one month after my beloved husband passed. To tell you the truth, this place has bee and is my greatest support.

@KayC

22 hours ago, KayC said:

Those who had superficial marriages aren't the ones coming here, it's the ones that had found their soul mate, the ones who are deeply grieving that stick around here.

@KayC I completely agree with you. I could barely function for months after the loss of my husband. The journey has been very difficult. Its been a year and a month since this happened and I still feel deep hurt, pains and not to talk about being alone. On the other hand, my colleague lost her husband just a week ago and she has not shown any emotions at all. For me its not even about the relationship, its about being humane. She acted from day one until the burial as if its not death. So I completely get it when you talk about superficial marriages and finding soulmates.

 

22 hours ago, KayC said:

it doesn't last merely a year and then back to wearing bright colors. 

@KayC, I'd like you to throw a little bit more light on the above quote. Like I mentioned already, Its been a year and a month, all these period, I completely lost my dress sense. Self care has been so much of an uphill task. For sometime now, I have been considering wearing my usual clothes again, especially to work and also putting up my usual shoes(high heels.I was never a low heel person until he passed and I lost the energy and gait). I kind of feel that I do not have to wear my pains and hurt on my face. I do not want to be pitied anymore and I want to help my inner being by looking cheerful. Reading through this thread and seeing the quote kind of rekindle something in me. I hope I made sense. Not wearing my usual clothes for this length of time was not a ritual. I did not have the energy, the world collapsed at my feet with the news of his sudden demise and nothing made sense..

Hope to hear from you and of course anyone else who have some words to give, I appreciate you all.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Nely said:

On 5/20/2019 at 6:58 AM, KayC said:

it doesn't last merely a year and then back to wearing bright colors. 

@KayC, I'd like you to throw a little bit more light on the above quote.

Culturally, way back in time, they had a "mourning period" and they wore black, maybe grey, but no colors for the first year.  There were things acceptable for them to do, things unacceptable.  For instance, they couldn't dance during their mourning period.  Then when a year was up they could cast aside their blacks and greys and suddenly wear colors again, laugh, dance.  It strikes me as ludicrous.  Not like we can put on or cast off a mourning period, it's not like that, we learn this is with us for life but our society has changed since then...we have to work, people expect us to continue like nothing happened, but neither is that realistic.  It is what it is, not like we can put on or take off something so easily.  At least, however, society back then recognized grief, I appreciate that as our society today doesn't so much, but thinking it's over because someone reached a year strikes me as ludicrous.

2 hours ago, Nely said:

Not wearing my usual clothes for this length of time was not a ritual. I did not have the energy, the world collapsed at my feet with the news of his sudden demise and nothing made sense..

Of course you have been depleted and nothing meant anything, you've just been through the worst trauma we can have!  Don't worry about your clothes and such...if you want to pay heed to it in an effort to make yourself feel better, that makes sense, but I sure wouldn't fault anyone for not feeling up to it either!  It's up to what makes YOU feel better, what brings YOU comfort, what YOU can do...this journey is yours, no one else's.  There is only one way to do it and that is YOUR way.

[Heartbroken519]

Guys... right now it feels like pain will never end. I've heard at least you have the memories and you can cherish those forever. It get angry when I hear that. I dont want the memories, I want him. I spent every waking minute with him in some capacity and he worked for the same company. Work isnt a distraction, home is terrible. I cant escape it. I went for a walk yesterday but the blue skies made me feel so sad. A dog ran up to me and while in my heart, I knew it was him, it crushed me. How do you get through the next minutes or even seconds?

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

I've heard at least you have the memories and you can cherish those forever. It get angry when I hear that.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said or wrote something hurtful or thoughtless, I'd have...well, I'd probably only have $100, but you get the idea.  I even ended up ripping up a few condolence cards from acquaintances because of those kind of sentiments.  I definitely can't count the number of times I thought, but never said out loud because I don't do that in public, "Oh shut up you f%&*ing idiot.  You are full of clueless BS." 

[chincube]

6 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

Guys... right now it feels like pain will never end. I've heard at least you have the memories and you can cherish those forever. It get angry when I hear that. I dont want the memories, I want him. I spent every waking minute with him in some capacity and he worked for the same company. Work isnt a distraction, home is terrible. I cant escape it. I went for a walk yesterday but the blue skies made me feel so sad. A dog ran up to me and while in my heart, I knew it was him, it crushed me. How do you get through the next minutes or even seconds?

Don't get me started either, one of the most hurtful things I got was at first week someone told me to "let it go". How clueless can a person be to say that? 

Just to say we are here, please come often and talk when you feel like. Venting is OK for us too, i have done fair share of it and without here I'd have drowned

[JES]

@Heartbroken519  Im so sad you find yourself here.  Of course you want him back,  and people can say the worst things that make us so angry. I didnt like hearing that my life would be different now, I wanted to scream and I didnt want my life different, I wanted him back.  I wish I could say something to comfort you, but all I can say is I understand...and to try to be here for you, to listen, for you to vent,  just know that we care.  Its hard to get through those minutes, hours.  You will have so many emotions, its ok to be angry, scream, yell, get it out,  write in a journal to him, talk to him out loud, do for yourself,  sleep with something special of his. Its all ok, totally normal in our situation. Losing our love is one of the hardest losses we will ever go through.  I am thinking of you and wishing you a moments peace. Jeanne

[Heartbroken519]

I am so thankful for you all. I can honestly say the words I've read here have brought me more peace than any words from friends or family, not fault of their own.. they just dont get it. I woke up this morning to the same nightmare. Shook, screamed, cried. Everytime everyone checks on me I breakdown. I too don't want "life to go on".. I want my life back. A friend said it was like an amputation.. it never comes back but you learn to live with it. It makes sense. But the pain is so bad in this moment. I fly back to his funeral this weekend.. it'll be the hardest day of my life I'm sure. I began reading the bible today, it's what he wouldve wanted and I swear he pointed things out to me tonight. I've text him ever since he stopped replying.. we called, video called and messaged all day everyday.. it just feels to talk to him there. I wondered today if that's "healthy" but I dont know that I care. It's my way to talk to him. It brings me peace because I believe hes here reading every word. I talked to him outloud today too. I told him to go be with his family for a bit and that I'll be there soon. I cant understand this.. I dont know how you all have moved forward But the fact that you have gives me hope.. I'm trying to not think about things.. like not getting to grow old with him, have a baby with him, travel the world with him.. ever hold his hand again or kiss him. How do you guys deal with those emotions? Because it's crushing me every single second. 

[chincube]

7 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

I've text him ever since he stopped replying.. we called, video called and messaged all day everyday.. it just feels to talk to him there. I wondered today if that's "healthy" but I dont know that I care. It's my way to talk to him. It brings me peace because I believe hes here reading every word. I talked to him outloud today too.

I think we all do such kind of things in different forms, sometimes I can sit there and talk for an hour - I talk out loud, and sometimes I have a response in my head that probably I imagined it. But what else am I supposed to do, just stop talking to him? That's impossible... Speaking of that, I asked his best friend to save me some of his clothes, so that I can be close to him. For now before I can fly there, I'm taking his drum stick that he gave me (he's a drummer and am I) to bed to sleep with me every night, and hold on to it while I try to fall asleep. I have a pair of his slippers in my room that when I miss him very much I wear them too. So, I think each and every of us have some of these behaviours that perhaps look "unhealthy" to people who haven't experienced what we have. Therefore don't worry, do what you need to do.

7 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

I dont know how you all have moved forward But the fact that you have gives me hope.. I'm trying to not think about things.. like not getting to grow old with him, have a baby with him, travel the world with him.. ever hold his hand again or kiss him. How do you guys deal with those emotions? Because it's crushing me every single second. 

In contrary I just keep imagining those things in my head, do those things in my head, it's the having baby part I cannot bear to think about. Even writing about it now tears would stream down my face. But I often "pretend" that he's still on earth somewhere, just working so we can't talk. Our long distance relationship made this "pretending" easier.

I don't know how do I deal with everything, usually I "schedule" a time slot for my breakdown everyday - which is after I have my dinner and can take down my armour. some days I wake I walk I work like a machine and then before I know it the night has come and I feel relieved. But some days like today the moment I woke up I did the usual "it's day xx" counting in my head, tears come and I knew that I'd have a bad day. Then there's nothing I can do about it, I just go the furthest toilet in the school and breakdown multiple times during the day, cried the whole hour on my bus commute while the lady sitting next to me looked on. So just go with the flow, that's the only way I know how to, as I have no control over my emotions that are worse than the changing weather.

[JES]

@Heartbroken519 Oh my dear,  I hurt for you...there really is no certain way to get through this...time seems to be our only friend..as we go on our deep pain lessens.  You are doing and feeling what is normal for us in the loss of our love, our partner. We loved deeply, therefore we grieve deeply.  My heart literally hurt for weeks, the tears wouldnt stop, I drank protein drinks and still lost weight.  I talked to him, still do and feel he still answers me. I was obsessed with his clothes, the smells of his hats, we do so many ' odd" things that normal people don't do. Its all ok, it helps us get through this. There may be days you want to talk, other days we want to be left alone, our emotions are up and down and we have no control over them.  Do whatever gives you alittle comfort. I also found myself wanting to be closer to God ( had been lax in past).  Found comfort in prayer,  I want to be reunited with him someday.  I did find if I looked ahead too much, it caused me extra anxiety so I try to stay in the present, which Im sure, is where one day at a time comes in.  It is a tough journey, and everyones timeline is different,  but somehow we find ourselves counting months instead of days..and find our grief is not so intense. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Jeanne

[JES]

@chincube  You are still so new in your loss also. Its ok to breakdown in front of others...  It has to be so hard to work at this time and keep a brave face.  It sounds like a routine is working for you, and that you are taking time to grieve. Just my thoughts but I feel our grieving is what gets us through this...taking time to cry and be sad is also healing.  I hope you will get some of his clothes soon. I still wear my husbands hoodies, robe, tshirts to bed,  I know it is what he' d want and therefore gives me comfort.  Take care, thinking of you. Jeanne

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

I wondered today if that's "healthy" but I dont know that I care.

I talk to my husband every day.  I don't mean I think about him or talk in my mind.  I mean I talk to him out loud.  I tell him how much I love and miss him; I tell him I'm sorry I didn't save him; I ask him to keep loving me and wait for me; I ask for his help and guidance.  Almost all of us seem to do that, no matter how long it's been.

There's a nature preserve within walking distance of our house.  They just installed a new rest and overlook.  I walked there a few days ago.  It's beautiful, calm, and quiet.  I was the only one there at that time, so I sat on a bench in the sun (finally, a day of sun), and talked to him for at least 20 minutes.  At the end of the time the wind was coming up.  I told him how sad it made me that now I can only talk to the wind and hope it carries my voice to him.  This well may become a ritual because I felt a little bit better as I walked home.

You should do whatever gives you moments of peace and comfort.  It doesn't matter a darn what other people think.  It simply doesn't.

[JES]

I think the biggest part of getting through each day is talking to our love, whether out loud or in our heads.  I could never do the yard work, drive his truck,  just any little task without talking to him throughout.  He is always with me, always in my head, and I hear his voice in my head, guiding me on or telling me to be careful,  telling me to take a break or that Ive done enough.  Or if Im afraid of a new task or using one of his power tools, he tells me I can do it. I even tell people Kevin helped me do this or that today..sometimes they laugh...but he is so instilled in me, that I couldnt do it without him.  It gives me the comfort and courage to go on.  I hope others get this..that Im not totally losing it.  To me, it just seems like a normal thing to do....

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

I wondered today if that's "healthy" but I dont know that I care.

It sounds healthy to me, but it doesn't matter because it's your way of communicating with him and who knows but what he can read it?  I talk to my George all the time, who knows but what he can hear me?  If they're spirits in the spirit world now, what could stop them?  Anyway whether they do or they don't, I think it's good for us to get all this stuff out, give voice to it.

It's very hard in the days when it's fresh, not a lot better later, they're still gone, but we do somehow adjust, much as we're able.  I'm glad we have this place to come to, it'd be all the harder without people here who get it and understand.

[Heartbroken519]

I buried him Saturday.. even sitting next to him in his casket, holding his hand and rubbing his chest.. my heart was better than it is now. My heart was meant to be right next to his. Im back at work now but it's no distraction, there doesn't seem to be one. What were your early weeks like? How do you function? I've tried to keep one foot in front of the other. Breathe through the tears.. the physical pain is no joke either.. my heart truly hurts.. I went from zero ability to sleep last week to only wanting to sleep this week. I understand now hes not coming back.. so when I sleep I cant cry or hurt. Seems easier. I signed up through talk space with a counselor though I think this group is just as or more helpful. She said "i know how you feel" except YOU GUYS know how I feel, not her.. which made me angry to hear. Flying to Texas I was upgraded to first class for the first time ever..they served pasta and after not eating all week I ate becsuse he knew pasta was my favorite. I was at his grave after services and sat in the rain and talked to him.. his mom showed up, hugged me.. we talked and laughed..I cant help but think he's got a hand in all these things, taking care of me from Heaven. Guys it's so hard. I dont understand this.

[chincube]

4 minutes ago, Heartbroken519 said:

I buried him Saturday.. even sitting next to him in his casket, holding his hand and rubbing his chest.. my heart was better than it is now. My heart was meant to be right next to his. Im back at work now but it's no distraction, there doesn't seem to be one. What were your early weeks like? How do you function? I've tried to keep one foot in front of the other. Breathe through the tears.. the physical pain is no joke either.. my heart truly hurts.. I went from zero ability to sleep last week to only wanting to sleep this week. I understand now hes not coming back.. so when I sleep I cant cry or hurt. Seems easier. I signed up through talk space with a counselor though I think this group is just as or more helpful. She said "i know how you feel" except YOU GUYS know how I feel, not her.. which made me angry to hear. Flying to Texas I was upgraded to first class for the first time ever..they served pasta and after not eating all week I ate becsuse he knew pasta was my favorite. I was at his grave after services and sat in the rain and talked to him.. his mom showed up, hugged me.. we talked and laughed..I cant help but think he's got a hand in all these things, taking care of me from Heaven. Guys it's so hard. I dont understand this.

I was just thinking about you during the weekend, wondering how you're feeling. 

I felt the pain in the heart too for more than 2 weeks, sometimes it still comes back like last few days. I actually thought that I was having a heart attack, and then I learned that it's common to have chest pain in grief. 

My weeks are still early (just passed 7th), but mostly I'm like a zombie. I eat when I can, some day I just live on a banana, I've lost nearly 20lbs by now. I also either don't sleep or feel like sleeping all the time. I barely function, but I teach little so I have to be present at work as well, I just make a lot of trips to the washroom to cry. 

Yes I too believe he's watching over you and taking care of you. However I also believe that he would understand your pain. Big hug for you, just keep on breathing. We are here. 

[Heartbroken519]

You give me hope to know you're 7 weeks out.. some days I dont understand how I'll make it through the next minute. Your word Numb is the best description.. if I'm not broke down I'm just numb.. I cant get into what others are saying.. I try but just, cant. One foot in front of the other for now.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

What were your early weeks like? How do you function?

Shock set in, I felt like a zombie.  It was the most horrible day of my life, the day he died.  I was frantic, anxious, couldn't sleep.  Day 5 I had to go into the office and do payroll.  After two weeks I returned to work full time, I had no choice, I was broke and hospital, doctor, ambulance bills were pouring in.  I had no idea how I'd survive.  When I went back to work (the company made military airplane parts and required perfection, whether in the office or the shop), I asked my boss to double check my work, which I'd never done before.  I had grief fog and my brain had a hard time functioning.  After a while being back to work it did help but in the early months it was really hard to focus on my work.  Sometimes I went into the bathroom to cry.  My boss expected that and understood.  But it was the beginning of the recession and Bush suddenly started using their ten year supply and cut off all orders.  The company went down.  They give six months unemployment, it took 5 1/2 months to get a job.  Beginning of age discrimination, it only got worse from there.  My new job was awful, after seven years commuting I retired, wiping out my savings.

Nights and weekends were the worst, couldn't sleep, needed someone to talk to but my friends all disappeared early on, my best friends didn't even come to his funeral!

Okay, that all sounds pretty bleak, but it's 14 years come Father's Day, and I'm surviving.  Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, but it's a thread...sometimes it's better, like others have put it, it can be a roller coaster.

You who are at weeks or months, or even early years, be really patient and understanding of yourself, this takes what it takes and the timeline will be different or everyone.  Don't expect much of yourself.  You ask how I functioned...I took one day at a time and the next day I got up and did it all over again.  14 years of groundhog day.  But I've gradually adjusted and it's more tolerable than at first, although this is definitely not my preference for my life, it's the best I can do under the circumstances.

I'm very sorry, I know the burial can be hard.  Before George's funeral I kept busy making a collage for it, sending pictures to his kids, making arrangements, it was after the funeral when things settled down and everyone went back to their lives that I found really tough.  I had him cremated and kept his ashes for two years, then I laid him to rest in our back yard with a memorial stone.

[Billie Rae]

You give me hope to know you're 7 weeks out.. some days I dont understand how I'll make it through the next minute. Your word Numb is the best description.. if I'm not broke down I'm just numb.. I cant get into what others are saying.. I try but just, cant. One foot in front of the other for now.

The numbness is shock,you need it right now.I'm at 4 and a half months now and some of the numbness is turning to acceptance,and a deep hurt that this is real.I still don't sleep,maybe 2 or 3 hours a night until I'm so exhausted I actually can nap,then I get maybe 5 hours.I eat too little or much,but I'm also understanding that he asked me to make the best of my life to honor him.I'm 57 and don't know or care if I'll ever love again,I just know I have to have hope,so I'm working to keep my life going and doing the best I can,because he asked.
He told me not to live the rest of my life miserable and so I must try and he will go through the rest of my days,be it 2 years or 30 in my heart,Always my big guy.As Kayc says,we still have a relationship with them,only a different one.
For you right now is such a short time,let yourself grieve and take care of yourself,only you know what you need.
We are here 24/7 for you.
Love and hugs and one moments peace
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[chincube]

@Heartbroken519 by the way, I just thought of one thing that made days pass by a little bit easier these weeks for me. For me it's the weekend that is the hardest when I don't have work that make hours and minutes pass by. So every weekend I work on a project or 2, most of the time sewing, or knitting or crocheting. So that I need concentration, time goes faster, and I won't feel so guilty comparing to binge watching TV for whole weekend. I would feel productive at least, and I can give away the end product, or can be for myself.

Probably it's not time yet, but when time comes that you want time to just pass so it's night and you can sleep, a hobby that you can work on all day can be helpful too. 

[Heartbroken519]

My counselor is telling me about radical acceptance, have any of you heard about that? It's truly something I cant seem to do. I know hes gone. I do. I buried him. He isnt calling or texting. I get it. But like.. accepting it seems like it makes it okay, and I'm just not okay with it. Friday was a terribly hard day. I managed to get through yesterday but today, all over again, is awful, and it's only 8 am. I've finally been able to sleep thanks to the help of sleep aids, but this morning dreamed of my friend telling me of his accident all over again. There seems to be nothing to escape the hurt and numbness. And as silly as this sounds, I dont want to be okay.. because that too seems like acceptance and none of this is okay..

[Billie Rae]

@Heartbroken519
That doesn't sound right.If you don't feel comfortable try someone else,radical acceptance sounds ridiculous in our situation,we need gentle easing in to this situation,our whole world upended,of course we know they are gone,but accepting it is way different,that takes healing for a while.
I understand Charlie is dead,but I don't have to"accept"it,only live with it.
I really get the not sleeping,I've always been an insomniac,but now....on the weekend I have to have a drink and melatonin to sleep and then it's never more than 5 sporadic hours.
Hang on babe,this takes time and hurt.
Kayc is 14 years in and is my inspiration.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

40 minutes ago, Billie Rae said:

That doesn't sound right.If you don't feel comfortable try someone else,radical acceptance sounds ridiculous in our situation,we need gentle easing in to this situation,our whole world upended,of course we know they are gone,but accepting it is way different,that takes healing for a while.

If I could, I'd give you a huge hug and a big kiss (on the cheek of course).  You are a treasure, my dear.  You said exactly what I was thinking.  I saw "radical acceptance" and honestly thought, "What the [swear word of your choice] is that supposed to mean?"  So I looked it up and saw that it's basically accepting a situation on the deepest levels of your heart and soul.  It includes things that lead right to putting on the dang "brave face" (it mentions the "half smiling face") and pretending you've accepted things if necessary.  Supposedly, if we do that then life will be easier and we will "suffer less."  In the words of my love's great-grandmother, bollocks to that.

Is anyone here in denial?  I kind of doubt it.  Do any of us really need to be told that our lives will never be the same?  No.  We know our loves are no longer with us in this life.  Still, it takes time, lots and lot of it, to get to a place where we can find any peace and comfort.  You're absolutely right that we need to allow ourselves to ease into the lives we're living now on our own time line and in our own way.

Maybe this radical acceptance method would work and be beneficial for some people.  I just don't see that it's really the appropriate approach for most of us who find our way here.

[foreverhis]

On 6/2/2019 at 9:04 AM, Heartbroken519 said:

And as silly as this sounds, I dont want to be okay.

It doesn't sound silly.  I absolutely get what you mean.  There's a little part of my heart that wonders if there's something wrong with me any time I smile or laugh with my family or friends.  Like, "How can you laugh?  The love of your life is gone.  He's missing this, he's missing our life together.  Don't you care?"  I still cry multiple times every day and think it likely I always will because I will always love and miss him.  And honestly, I'm tired of trying to live up to society's expectations of what constitutes "okay."
 

Maybe it sounds kind of irrational.  But whoever said grief is rational and why should anyone expect it to be?

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

accepting it seems like it makes it okay, and I'm just not okay with it.

I hated the word "acceptance" when I lost George because it felt like it meant I was okay with it and I knew I'd never be okay with it.  I know it's just semantics, but in grief, semantics and word choice really do matter to us because everything has an emotional response.  Instead of using the word acceptance, in my mind I'd go with "I realize he's gone."  That was about as far as I could go with it.  Now that I'm further out I can use the word accept easier because I know what it means and what it doesn't mean and I don't care much what anyone else thinks about it so much as what I know to be true...it's my grief experience, my love, my journey.  And what I know to be true is that he is gone, he's not coming home, he's not calling, he's not going to cuddle with me or sleep with me and we aren't having our life together like we once did.  But I DO still love him and carry him in my heart.

I am so fortunate that my grief counselor/mentor knows and explains the terminology used by so many in her field, but is sensitive to us to not use them on us grievers because she knows the effect it can have to us.

This reminds me of a "What's your Grief" article I used in my grief support group...the footnotes are my own:
 

What’s Your Grief

What it Means to ‘Change Your Relationship With Grief’

 

There are things that you get over in life. For example a cold, your first breakup, or an argument with a good friend. More often than not, these things happen, they cause temporary misery, maybe you learn from it, and then you let bygones be bygones. Many experiences follow a similar pattern and with good reason. There are things we can and should leave in the past for the benefit of everyone, just imagine how much pain and negativity we’d all carry around if we could never forget and move on.

That said, it is a mistake to think that all painful experiences can and should be gotten over. There are times when such a shift simply isn’t possible – people can’t always change the way they think, feel, and behave simply because they want to. It’s common to think that, in these instances, one can go to therapy or take medication and be cured of these problems, but many people who’ve experienced things like serious hardship, trauma, addiction, and psychological disorder will tell you that healing isn’t about putting these experiences in the past, rather it’s about changing their relationship to the related thoughts, memories, behaviors, and emotions that exist in the present.

There are also times when ‘getting over’ something or ‘forgetting’ isn’t even desirable, such as getting over or forgetting about a deceased loved one and their ongoing absence. Still, many people mistakenly think that grief is something that can and should end at some point. Those who understand grief in hindsight may think this is a foolish mistake, but I would argue it’s common and understandable considering how little people know about grief before experiencing it. Especially those who live in societies where people are quick to believe that grief runs a linear and finite course and, as a consequence, encourage grieving people to push forward and let the woes of the past disappear like water under the bridge.

The reality of grief is that it often stays with you until the day you, yourself, die. For those who think of grief as being all negative emotion, I can see where this may seem unmanageable, but rest assured the impact of grief changes over time. As you change your relationship with grief – by changing how you respond to, cope with, and conceptualize grief – you will likely also find hope and healing. If you think about it, grief is one instance where there is a strong benefit to accepting its ongoing presence in your life because doing so creates more room for comfort, positive memories, and an ongoing connection with the person who died.

I understand this progression because I’ve experienced it, but I’m sure it can be difficult to believe if you haven’t. Initially, I thought about writing a post titled something like ‘5 Ways Your Relationship With Grief Changes Overtime’, but then I changed my mind. Grief is unique, relationships are unique and so your relationship with grief and with the person who died will evolve in a complex and nuanced way.  So, instead of generalizing and categorizing, I’m going to share how my relationship with grief changed over time.  At the end, please share your own insights about how your relationship with grief has or has not changed in the comment’s section.

At first I tried to outrun, wait out, hide from, and ignore grief.

Eventually, I realized my grief wasn’t going anywhere so I could either fun from it forever or give in and experience it.  Once the cloud of grief consumed me, it was hard to see or feel anything else.  This sucked but only slightly more than the running.

In the early days of grief, it felt like all the light had been drained from the world and everything was dark.  But as the fog of acute grief thinned, a little bit of light crept in and things started to look a little less scary and a little more manageable.

I grew less intimidated by my grief and increasingly confident in my ability to handle its ups and downs, twists, and turns.  Once I was able to look grief head on, I realized it’s made up of both good things and bad.  Grief grows from the same seeds as love so after someone dies, one seldom exists without the other.

Over time my relationship with grief has changed.  I see it now as something as nuanced, complex, and beautiful as my relationships with those who have died.  Though its ongoing presence is sometimes challenging, I embrace it because it’s a source of love and connection with those who have died.

 

My Footnote:

At first I was in shock, terrified, anxious.  Friends disappeared, adding to the hurt and confusion.  I felt alone, abandoned and didn’t know a roadmap through this.  I tried rebuilding my life but was thick in grief fog, no clarity of thought and everything I tried was disastrous.  It took much time to process my grief, but I did, through allowing myself to feel the emotions, pain and all, and not trying to cover them up or rush through this.

I found that grief is not 100% negative, but there’s benefits to having gone through this.  I began to look at life and death differently.  Rather than hating my loss and grief, I began to see the benefits of  having experienced this.  I became more empathetic, more able to help someone else going through it (comforting with the same comfort God has comforted us), I began to appreciate each day and value life as a gift and live in the present moment.  I found purpose again. 

I’ve discovered that grief isn’t for a set period of time, but is with me for life, although it evolves throughout my journey and changes form.  I’m no longer afraid of it, it has become my constant companion as I’ve learned to coexist with grief.

Little by little I’ve built a life I can live.  Finding balance, interaction with others, and solitude, time with my furry family.  Activities, not to crowd out the pain, but to experience life even with its changes.

One of the benefits as I’ve had to tackle life and its decisions on my own is the confidence its built.

I’ve given myself permission to smile and realized that it is not my grief that binds me to him, but our love, and that continues still.

 

 

[Billie Rae]

Exactly Kayc,I'm not that far in buy I've learned if I need to wallow in my grief then do it It makes the rest of the day a bit softer.It helps that Charlie and I were able to grieve together and he told me exactly what he wanted for me when he was gone.
It was so emotional for us but in the long run having those conversations with him makes it so I can focus on his wants for me when things get hard and overwhelming and keeps him still a big part of my"new"life.
When the pain and heartbreak come I allow myself to sit and feel it all,the sorrow,the rage and the deep deep empty hole and if it happens when people are around I explain without apology.
I also allow myself to feel joy and to laugh,sometimes with guilt,then I remember what he asked so in time the guilt may go away.
It will never be okay that he's gone,but it will be okay for me to live.
Love you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Heartbroken519]

Reading your messages help me so much. Knowing you all truly know what loss feels like. I am back at work and trying the best I can, though had a breakdown on a conference call the other day because someone ask how my week had been. I've been able to hold myself together for the most part but feel so foggy.. so sad. Last night and this morning are so hard. I have no reason that all of a sudden its hit me like the very first day again.. but it has. I'm trying to understand that I'll never understand this.. because in these moments the pain is so bad I just want God to tell me why. 

I started a training at work. If you guys remember we were recently long distance.. my training takes me to Minnesota in two weeks and his flights were bought to be there, we were so excited. This training starting is so hard to comprehend and get through. I remind myself what he would want... but the pain. The emotional pain. The physical pain is so much to bear in these moments. I've debated seeing a doctor for medicine but am not sold on that idea as you all have said.. feeling the grief.. living the grief.. is hopefully what will pave my path to learn to live with this down the road.. nine of you have to answer this but if you're willing.. did you turn to medicine and if so, did it help or hinder?

Kayc the article you shared has helped me a but this morning..that this loss is something I dont have to get iver.. just learn to live with. And the footnote about terror.. anxious.. is exactly how I feel. That is tremendously helpful to me this morning and as I try to find strength to get out of this bed this morning.. it feels impossible today. 

[Heartbroken519]

Guys im sorry, I have one more question. Nightmares? Ive had one every night for 3 or 4 nights in a row.. not necesarrrily about exactly what happened but always with him gone or passing..I wake up in terror.. my heart racing, scared. Have you guys experienced this? I want to dream of him by not like this.. thoughts? Tips..?

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

did you turn to medicine and if so, did it help or hinder?

When George died, the doctor offered me medicine but I declined...I figured it would be a temporary solution to a permanent problem.  With a few years under my belt though, I've wondered if I made it more difficult on myself.  The thing I didn't realize at the time was that grief evolves, it doesn't stay the same.  In the beginning it is the worst anyone can imagine and beyond words to describe.  In time, though, we begin to absorb and adjust ever so slightly, bit by bit, so imperceptible as to not notice any improvement but when we compare to the day we lost him, we know there has been some adjusting going on...still, we have the roller coaster of emotions, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, no desire to do "hobbies", feeling like we're not doing as well at work as we used to, and trying to get through nights and weekends alone, that's hard.

After a few years I did go on anxiety medicine, not just because of George's death, but I have always had GAD, I believe somewhat even as a child, so it's something I'll be on for life.  The doctor prescribed Valium, which I did not want and said so, because of the addiction.  After a couple of days I discontinued it, it made me way too sleepy and I was commuting 100 miles/day, not safe!  I researched it and found Buspar (Buspirone) to be in a class of its own, safer, and I went back to the doctor and told him that's what I wanted.  I think he was annoyed but as I told him, this is my body, I have a vested interest in it!  He couldn't argue that.  I've been on it ever since, and I haven't experienced side effects.  I think we have to find what works for us.  

The doctor had offered me a sleep aid and I wish I'd taken him up on it.  I have since accepted that offer because I have insomnia in the middle of the night if I'm awakened.  Trying to function without sleep is way hard!  He put me on the lowest dose of Trazodone, and I recently renewed it because I've been having a hard time sleeping.  I don't use it every night but a few nights with 2-4 hours of sleep, you get desperate!  Also I've read that if we sleep 7-8 hours/night, it is so much better for our health.  I also take SAMe which is found in the health or pharmacy section with vitamins...it helps mood, joint, liver, all of which I can use help with.  I noticed mood elevation almost immediately, so I assumed the other parts of my body were helped also.  More to be found about it here: https://www.verywellhealth.com/same-what-should-i-know-about-it-90004

[chincube]

I didn't take any anti-depressant, or sleeping pills. But in the first week, I did try to take anti-histamine each night hoping I can at least close my eyes for an hour. However I still couldn't really sleep, and worse I felt so anxious because with the anti-histamine I couldn't dream - and I was counting on him visiting me in dream during the first week. So I stopped it also. I too don't like to take medicine, even when I'm physically sick I try to not take medicine... 

I can't help with the nightmare, I stopped dreaming about him and the only time when I dream of him now it's when he visits. It doesn't happen often though. I didn't have nightmare too, but I see that it's quite common.

big hug. I've been wanting to write, but these days I really just can't. However, sending hugs to you.

[Heartbroken519]

Thank you both for your thoughts. Kayc I too feel like medicine will just delay the inevitable.. while trying to navigate a job and have any energy or desire to do normal life things.. I may need to try it and see what it does. Even last night with no dreams the second i woke up i was struck with anxiety.. I assume my body knowing I have to face yet another day. Thank you both.. 

[KayC]

I pray you find the answer for you.  I have anxiety anyway but throw in the mix this grief/loss, it knows no bounds!  The best I can hope for is something to allow me to function, the rest I live with.

[foreverhis]

On 6/6/2019 at 5:26 AM, Heartbroken519 said:

Guys im sorry, I have one more question. Nightmares? Ive had one every night for 3 or 4 nights in a row.. not necesarrrily about exactly what happened but always with him gone or passing..I wake up in terror.. my heart racing, scared. Have you guys experienced this? I want to dream of him by not like this.. thoughts? Tips..?

Yes, I've had nightmares.  I have only had three dreams of my husband since last July.  Well, dreams that I remember at least.  The first two were horribly painful and I startled myself out of sleep because they involved my husband being very angry with me and telling me he no longer loved me or being mean/uncaring and being with another woman (never, never would happen).  The third wasn't a nightmare, but we were together searching for...something...and we couldn't find it.

I wish I knew how to do guided dreaming and stuff like that, but mostly my busy, busy brain just comes up with bizarre, fictional, or painful scenarios these days.

p.s., No need to ever apologize for asking questions.  We're all here to help each other.

[foreverhis]

On 6/5/2019 at 7:59 AM, Heartbroken519 said:

. did you turn to medicine and if so, did it help or hinder?

I sort of turned to medicine.  There's a mild anti-depressant that helps my auto-immune symptoms at 1/2 dose.  Right after my husband died, my doctor moved me to the lowest regular clinical dose.  I've been having a really hard time and asked if I could/should go to a higher clinical dose, but he said no that more would only lead to more side effects because so much of my depression is situational.

I have and take a low dose of anti-anxiety medication for sleep.  I could take more, but don't want to be any more fatigued during the day than I already am and I don't like feeling hung over.  But it does allow me to sleep for a good 4 to 5 hours most nights.

I think the anti-depressant is helping even things out a tiny bit.  I know the anti-anxiety med is helping with sleep.  I don't think either truly helps with my grief, but they do help me get through the days and nights a tiny bit easier.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I don't think either truly helps with my grief, but they do help me get through the days and nights a tiny bit easier.

And there's something to be said for that.  Trying to survive this is the biggest challenge I've ever faced...and now to face this with my dog too, I can't tell you how unbearable it feels.  
I haven't had the nightmares that I can remember, but if I did, I think I'd try playing soothing music just before going to sleep, something to ease me into a relaxing mode of comfort rather than hitting the random bizarre world of anything my brain can conjure up.  How hard for you all to experience this!

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

I think I'd try playing soothing music just before going to sleep, something to ease me into a relaxing mode of comfort rather than hitting the random bizarre world of anything my brain can conjure up.

That makes good sense.  It's funny you mention that because the past several nights I've had these weird dreams that have incorporated whatever TV show or movie I've had on in the background at night.  I generally drift off on the sofa with the TV on.  Later, I will stagger up to bed to try to sleep for a few good hours.  I still can't just "go to bed" in our bed; it simply doesn't work for me.

It follows that if I dream about whatever show in on TV when I fall asleep, then music might follow us into sleep and help calm or comfort us.

I'm so sorry about your precious Arlie.  I can barely imagine how hard this is and will be for you.  I'm sending you both big, warm comforting hugs.  Just love each other in the time he has left as that's the best thing you can do to help him now and it will probably ease your mind a tiny bit later.

[Heartbroken519]

I went to the doctor yesterday.. I debated and debated but then even sitting in her office trying to explain the grief I broke down. Last night I slept rest fully for the first time and today was able to function.. everyone says time helps.. I'm hopeful this will allow me to work on my heart and allow a bit of that time to pass. 

 

I also feel pretty awful as I look back on all the love you guys have shown me as I've never offered my condolences to each of your losses. Tonight please know that my heart breaks also for each of you. I never knew there was pain as bad as this but knowing I'm not alone in it has been so helpful. It's hard now as time passes and others continue to live and move on.. I dont understand how they can. But I also know that makes me special.. that I had this special love with him and I cherish that too.. even in the pain. Thank you all for sharing your stories and comfort with me. And please know my heart goes out to each of you.. and lastly, I'm so terribly sorry about your dog. I've experienced that grief and it can be as tough as any other loss. Sending big hugs your way ❤

[KayC]

Oh Hon, please don't feel bad for us, we each carry our own load and I know it's heavy.  When all you can muster is getting through your day, then that's what you do, and that's not a small achievement.  My life "before" was so different in that I went around in ignorant bliss, not knowing my life as I knew it was about to be shattered...by now I have experienced so many losses, I realize it's part of life and we try to assimilate it before another knock sends us reeling.  Perhaps it's because I'm getting older that I know more older people now and of course experience death all the more often.  It didn't used to be my norm.  In a two year period I lost 20 friends in my small church!  That's almost ridiculous.

[Heartbroken519]

I'm just stopping in to say hi to everyone. Hope you all are hanging in there. I think of this group often.. it helps remind me I'm not alone.  I continue one minute at a time.. one hour some days now. It's odd what triggers the grief. I was at the airport the other evening and out of nowhere I felt the hurt fill my soul and just cried.. I miss my man every second of every day. On social media I've had to unfollow some family as they post memories and pictures which I'm happy for, but I'm not prepared to see unexpectedly. So I go in and look as I can breathe deep or be home to cry and talk to him. I'm struggling with purpose now.. I dont truly find I care about anything much at all. Im able to navigate the grief a bit better these days.. but it's gone from seconds to minutes and hours of focus. The future is still unfathomable and I don't allow myself to think past today.. it's just easier. Ive managed my medicine well I feel, only using when I feel the deepest of pains and am at work.. the holiday was tough.. I just miss him so bad. I never knew hurt like this existed and I'd never wish it on anyone.. life just seems.. empty. 

[chincube]

6 hours ago, Heartbroken519 said:

I'm just stopping in to say hi to everyone. Hope you all are hanging in there. I think of this group often.. it helps remind me I'm not alone.  I continue one minute at a time.. one hour some days now. It's odd what triggers the grief. I was at the airport the other evening and out of nowhere I felt the hurt fill my soul and just cried.. I miss my man every second of every day. On social media I've had to unfollow some family as they post memories and pictures which I'm happy for, but I'm not prepared to see unexpectedly. So I go in and look as I can breathe deep or be home to cry and talk to him. I'm struggling with purpose now.. I dont truly find I care about anything much at all. Im able to navigate the grief a bit better these days.. but it's gone from seconds to minutes and hours of focus. The future is still unfathomable and I don't allow myself to think past today.. it's just easier. Ive managed my medicine well I feel, only using when I feel the deepest of pains and am at work.. the holiday was tough.. I just miss him so bad. I never knew hurt like this existed and I'd never wish it on anyone.. life just seems.. empty. 

Hey good to hear from you again. 

I don't have much wisdom to provide. Your days sound pretty much (unfortunately still at the moment) like mine too. There is still not one second that I don't miss him, I wonder maybe I'd just miss him for the rest of my life. 

I used to be embarrassed to cry in public as a kid, now I got so used to tears coming as they like, even in a completely packed metro train in peak hours. There's no stopping them anyway, and I stopped caring about that too. 

Glad to hear that medicine is helping you and that you're taking it the way you're comfortable with. You got to do what you got to do, we don't have choice but to survive. 

Big hug. 

[KayC]

@Heartbroken519  Glad you stopped in...yes those triggers can really get us.  Social media wasn't so big when my George was alive, I can't imagine getting hit with images out of the blue like that, I think I'd guard myself as much as I could too.  I have as my wallpaper on FB a picture of George fishing, FB keeps asking me if I want to change it.  Hell no!  If I wanted to change it, I'd do it, quit bugging me FB!

We take this the best way we can, whatever helps you...

[Telly2018]

I know exactly how you feel..my fiance passed away June 29, 2019 and I can't seem to function...but I'm thankful for the Forum.