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My uncle is dying. I'm already guilty.


conflicted

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conflicted

I need to give some backstory first. My Dad died when I was a teenager. He had Alzheimers and it was easier to take because he had mentally been gone and hadn't recognized me for years anyway since I was 10. I was fine but subsequently went into a tailspin of guilt over not missing him much and really being relieved more than anything else because things were traumatic because of the violent nature he developed as he got worse. So I was unbearably guilty about being fine, and dredged up a lot of horrible things to make myself feel bad and nearly drove myself to suicide. There were a lot of other issues and I've had depression since I pretty young so it was nearly the last straw. Eventually I began to recover and got counselling and back to relative normality. This was the first big loss I had and it started a trend of being guilty for how I did and didn't feel when someone died, and being ashamed of doing normal things because I couldn't shake the feeling they were looking down from above and seeing what a scumbag I really was under the appearance of being a decent person. I was religious then and I'm not anymore but this delusion (and I know its a delusion but it doesn't help me stop thinking that way) of the deceased witnessing and hating all my dirty little secrets (aka being a normal imperfect human being) still always happens for some period of time after a relatives death (I have been fortunate enough not to have lost any friends to death) and sometimes after people I don't know die but were close to people I know. 

There were a few more family deaths in the last few years, all of age and illness. I felt this way with all of them but managed to shake it after a week or so. Since I was born so late, my family on both sides are quite old. Dad was in his seventies. The uncle I'm going to talk about is 79. I only found out recently that he was diagnosed with cancer around the time Dad died nine years ago. Everyone thought I knew but it seems to have slipped through the cracks with everything at that time. I knew he was in and out of hospital with kidney and bladder issues and infections and increasingly so over the last year but didn't actually know it was cancer until recently because the word wasn't used. He went in a couple of days ago and its not likely he'll survive the next two days this time. He might not even survive the night. This is the end. The guilt is already starting because he was more like a Dad than Dad was to me and always treated me like a much younger daughter, a favourite, almost more so than his own two daughters, my cousins. I should have spent more time with him. I should have made sure he knew I loved him and appreciated everything he did for me and said to me and the way he made me feel. I should have talked to him more when I visited instead of letting myself be monopolized by his baby granddaughter. Now he might not survive the night, and if he does he's so disoriented that he's very unlikely to understand what I want to tell him if I do get the chance to see him before he goes. The guilt is already hitting me, what I didn't do, what I will do, what he'll think of me when he's looking down at seeing what this girl he always treated like she was perfect is really like and falling off that pedastal (yes I know how insane that sounds and I don't even rationally believe it but it still plagues me and its a natural pattern I fall into at this point. I have severe anxiety (controlled with medication) and a history of traumatic intrusive thought cycles which only adds to everything). I'm guilty now because I didn't visit more and say what I should have said years ago. I'm guilty I never told him how he made me feel. I'm guilty that I'm able to function now and will be able to function after, because I've always been able to function normally and do the normal things no matter how out of my mind I've been. I'm guilty that he'll 'see' all the things that I happily accept as part of myself normally but that I would never have tainted his vision of me with. I'm guilty that I know the majority of the grief will pass quickly as it always does and I'll be okay except for that guilt.

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Dear conflicted,

Please know you were a very young when you suffered such a deep loss with your dad. And now your dear uncle. 

We all tend to be very hard on ourselves and wish things were different. Its a lot easier said then done but try and be kinder to yourself. They said hearing is the last thing to go. If you can try and see your uncle and tell him everything he meant to you. I know it won't be easy but you still have a chance. Or if you want, write him a letter or card that can be placed in his casket. I'm sure he knows how terrible it was for you as a person of 10 to see your father's decline and passing. I'm sure he would understand and would never hold anything against you.

Guilt is a powerful emotion. But always remember guilt meant you did something wrong but you haven't and you have no ill intention either.

Thinking of you. Please know we are with you.

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