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The love of my life, my everything, died in suicide, before we could met for the first time. I feel so sad,guilty and devastated.

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I met the love of my life 2,5 years ago online. We spoke on web cam almost every day for 2 years and 4 months. He was the love of my life. I never felt so close and so happy and so safe with a person in my whole life. He was my everything. Due to practical problems and that he had a bipolar illness, he was afraid to invite me, he was afraid to disappoint me by being manic. But after 2 years of trust and love we decided to try. We loved each other so deeply. And like I always said to my boyfriend. The worst thing is not if we fail at our first meeting. No, the worst that can happen is if one of us die before we have the chance to meet in real life. Since my boyfriend had his mental illness, I was always afraid of his wellbeing. I was afraid that he would hurt himsel or get hurt in an accident with his motorcycle. He sometimes spoke about that he did not want to live and told me that he often had deep crisis, but he said "This is how I am, you have to get used to that". But the worst thing happened. Two month ago my boyfriend got into a deep crisis with sucicidal thoughts. And I was 2000 kilometers away in another country. 
While listening to him I could not tell how severe it was, because he could talk very harsh about life and that he was "done" but also always said, "In a couple of days its better". But this day I asked  him to see his familydoctor the same day.He said I was not allowed to call his job, so I said he had to go to the doctor. I was not there and I wanted a professional, a doctor who knew my boyfriend well to see him in person. I thought that the doctor could see my boyfriend and evaluate the level of stress he was in.  I also asked him to get the number to the psychologist, that the familydoctor has tried to give to my boyfriend before. I tried during our whole relationship to make him go. He said no. He said he trid therapy 10 years ago and that did not help.
After he´d been at his doctor we booked a meeting with the psychologist, scheeduled 3 days later. I told my boyfriend that I could fly to him and go with him to the doctor and that I wanted him to go to the emergency if he felt that the anxietyattacks camed back and he felt he could not stand them. But he said I should not worry and that it was not that bad and that we would take us through this. I said I wanted to call his job, since he was a cup and they have the guns at home. And he said that I was absolutely not allowed to call his job, he would never forgive me.  The next day he tried to call me but I was at the doctor and then I could not reach him. He texted me that he was fine and that I sholud not worry about anything.  And for me, who struggled so close by his side. It was not possible that he ever would take his life, even if the danger was in front of my eyes. We always took us through those crisis. This time I struggled to decide if I should call his job or not, but since my boyfriend went to the familydoctor and  said I should not worry, I decided to wait until I talked again with my boyfriend so I could hear his vocie and ask him directly again if the suicidal thoughts he had had the weekend before was still there, I was so afraid that if called the job against his will, when he said we will get through this and had schedueled an appointment with the psychologist,  I would  provoked caos and put my boyfriend in a humilating posotion that proveoked that he killed imself. But I got no new oportunity to talk to my boyfriedn. He shot himself that night. And my world ended with him. It´s hard to breath.

I did not know his family so I was not allowed to go to the funeral. I´m going to Spain soon, just to walk on the streets were he walked. To go and have a coffee on the restaruant were he and I should go this spring. I will also meet and say hello to his police colleague. It will be the worst trip in my life. And I don´t know how to get through this. It´s a nightmare. I can´t believe I will never ever see him. I never had time to hold his hand. I would give my life to go back in time and make that call to his job earlier. I don´t know if it had change anything. All I know is that I lost my everything. I´m totally devastated.


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Love finds itself.

You're shot all over the place, I don't know how to help except to say I am very sorry you lost someone close to you in this life. It is hard and something we go through sometimes. Sometimes, we are the ones who get past it, and not the other way around. ...Life is chance, You can not feel bad for not losing. Keep living. That is luck and you are lucky; love you're life, please. 

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