Still angry at myself over my sister’s death

[K’slittlesis]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting. My big sister passed away from a Fentanyl and Xylazine overdose early this past December 2018. No one found her until January 3, 2019. She was deceased alone in her house for over a month with her dog, who miraculously survived going all that time with no food.

My sister had been very depressed about her divorce. Her husband of 10 years sent her an email saying he was filing for divorce in 2015. She had been using prescription opioids because she got injured training for a half marathon in 2010, and I guess she got addicted and it took over her life. When her husband left, she spiraled out of control and couldn’t get the prescription opioids anymore so she started using heroin. Her ex husband messaged me when they were separating and told me he thought she was using hard drugs. I sent a group text to her with several other family members and asked her what was going on and said we wanted to help her. She completely denied using drugs and got so angry at me because she thought we were siding with her ex. She said really nasty things to me, so I backed off. I guess I also thought maybe she was telling the truth and her ex was lying about her using hard drugs to damage her reputation with her family, which is what she claimed. 

Then, in 2017 I was watching an “Intervention” episode on tv about the opioid crisis and it was showing people overdosing on heroin. It really scared me, so I texted my sister because I still suspected she was using heroin. I texted, Facebook messaged, called her and no answer. I was afraid because I knew she lived alone in that house and had isolated herself from everyone so much that no one would know if something happened to her. When she didn’t respond for two days, I called my dad and told him to text her and say that if she didn’t respond I was going to call the police to do a welfare check on her. Once he did that she responded to me right away. She was so angry at me. She called me so many mean names and just tore into me. She said she was talking to everyone in our family except me because I’m a loser. I was very hurt and the last words I said to her were “No, I’m afraid you’re the loser.” Then I blocked her from my phone and from Facebook. 

That was in summer of 2017. I didn’t try reaching out to her after that, but I would ask other family members during holidays and other events what was going on with her and if they had invited her too. No one mentioned anything to me so I assumed she wasn’t that bad off.

Turns out she was very bad off. She had had multiple overdoses, had been involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital, had been arrested for possession, and several of my family members knew this and didn’t tell me. They just shrugged it off like it didn’t matter. My dad even made a “joke” in summer 2018 and said “We don’t know where Kim is. She could be dead in a ditch somewhere...not that I’d care.” Haha so funny dad! What a great, caring father you are! I told him how messed up that was and left, but I STILL didn’t reach back out to her!

She died alone in her house on or around December 2nd. Her ex husband found her because he came to the house after she hadn’t contacted him for alimony around the time she usually always did. She had been there dead for over a month. It is so tragic. She didn’t deserve this. She was such a kind, sweet person. I loved her so much. I was the only one to speak at her funeral. I am so angry with myself that I backed off and didn’t keep trying to help her. Even if she said mean things to me, I should have been the bigger person and shown her compassion and love! I am so angry that I blocked her from my phone and Facebook. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself. My family is not a supportive, loving family—I should have known none of them were going to be there for her. It was a huge case of diffusion of responsibility—like, someone else will take care of it. I should have stepped up to help her and I failed her. Now my big sister is gone forever and I am heartbroken and will have to live with this intense guilt forever. Her birthday is coming up soon, and it’s just devastating me. I am so angry at myself, at her ex-husband, at the rest of my family, at the drug dealer(s) who sold her that crap, at the doctors who prescribed opioids to her and then treated her like a junkie when she became addicted to the drugs THEY gave her in the first place, at the police for not caring or helping me get answers....she was only 38 years old and it just makes me so sad.

Thanks for reading my long vent.

[reader]

Dear K'slittlesis,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister's struggle with addiction. It is very hard on everyone including the family. I know you loved her and only wanted to help her. You tried and tried. You couldn't have known what was happening and how bad things had gotten. The truth is you did all you could. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but you did.

Your feelings of anger at the doctors and those around her are justified. I don't understand it either, why there is so much indifference. Our loved ones deserve better.

We all do the same thing and look back and think but if only. It hurts. I still do it to this day and its been 2 years. I too want to go back in time and make different choices. I found some additional support from these websites. I hope they help you.

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief.

Thinking of you. Please know we are with you.

[mydeepestthoughts]

Hello K'slittlesis 

I just came across this message..and I felt compelled to check on you I hope you are well..and more importantly I hope that you have a level of peace.

If you need to talk I am available for you.

 

Condolences