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Mum first, Now Grandma


broostine93

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broostine93

Hi Everyone, 

I am not sure if I'm putting this on the correct board, as I've got two separate losses to cope with. 

My relationship with my Mum was unusual, to say the least. We loved each other fiercely and we were best friends, but she drank a lot and she only got worse with it over the years. She became aggressive and violent when she drank and, as I got older, I started to become the target of these attacks. The parallel between sober Mum and drunk Mum was unreal- she was the kindest, most generous and loving person when she was sober, but turned into a monster when she was drinking. I tried to help her, as best as a child/teenager can help any adult, but it did no good. In the end, I had to 'save myself' and cut all ties with her. That was 2012. The last communication I had with her was a drunken phone call in the summer of 2014. It wasn't unpleasant, but, had I known it was the last conversation we'd have, it would have been different.

Not long after this, I tried to find out where she was living (as she'd moved since we last seen each other and I hadn't been told where). I roamed the area I thought she lived in (turns out I was actually only one main street away from where she actually was, but I didn't find this out until much later). I tried calling her phone, but it wouldn't connect. Nobody could tell me where she was.

I found out she'd died in August 2017. She'd died alone and, to this day, I do not know if it was quick and painless or drawn-out and full of suffering. I have to live with knowing I will never find out. She'd died from alcoholic ketoacidosis (basically, drank and starved herself to death), with a secondary cause of liver disease (which I later found out was only first stage). I didn't fully understand how she could have died, as the levels of ketones in her blood report weren't high enough so as to cause death, so I asked to see her doctor to get some explanation. Her doctor shouted at me, saying I was arguing the coroner's statement (I really wasn't! I just wanted to understand!) He blamed me for Mum's death because, to quote, 'she had no-one', and basically said everything out loud that was already running through my own guilt-ridden head. I will never get over that.

It took me a long time to go through the grief stages of losing Mum- she's the first person who has died in the family that I've been old enough to understand the death of, so it hit me very hard.

I was slowly learning to live again and try to come out of the blackness when disaster struck. My maternal Grandma, who has basically been my replacement Mum for most of my life because of the alcoholic behaviour of my own, has been diagnosed with ALS. She has nearly lost the ability to walk and her speech is very slurred so she will lose that soon, too. She struggles to use her swallowing muscles so choking bouts have started to happen. I am watching her die, very slowly.

I am solely focused on her; being her primary carer, arranging medical appointments for her, sorting her will and other admin out. All this on top of working full-time, still trying to get through the final stages of grieving for my Mum and now starting the grieving process in a completely new way that I've never experienced before because I've never known anyone have a terminal illness before. It's all so very overwhelming and these two horrible things have happened to the only two people in my family that I've ever been close to.

I am dreading the next few weeks/months because there's no way to tell how long Grandma has left. In one way, I want it to be over quickly for her, but, in another, I really don't want the pain of losing her. 

I am only 26 and feel too young to have to go through such horrible times (though, my rational brain knows that to think like that is silly, but stuff like this hasn't happened to anyone else I know- even my Grandma's Mum is still alive at 101 so even she doesn't know what it's like to lose your Mum). I feel very alone in all of this.

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Hi Broostine,
I'm sorry for your tragedies. It seems so unfair. You've been given a heavy load at such a young age.
Make sure you look after yourself as you take care of your grandma.
Perhaps you might consider counselling to talk out the issues with your mother.
Take care

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