My sister just entered hostise and everyone act like she is dead and I'm trying to hold on with all my might telling myself the devil is a lier and she has to get better what am I going to do with out by er

[Joannc]

Lost and confused and don't now what to do or how to stop so many feeling at one time and can't to cry I pray she gets better while the world tells me she going to die soon be strong HOW. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Joannc,

Thinking of you. Praying for you and your sister. I am so sorry and sad you are experiencing this. There is no right or wrong with feelings. With my brother, I tried to be with him as much as I could. Holding his hand, sitting quietly with him and just being near him letting him know how much he was/ is loved. I reassured him I would be there for his children, wife and our parents. I didn’t feel strong then and in my recent losses still don’t, but when everything was happening in those moments, I somehow kept going and made important decisions. Things can seem like a blur and everything feels so heightened, scary, painful and you wish that you could pump the brakes and stop it. I was hyper aware of others behavior at that time and upset about what people did or didn’t do. Now, I understand they were coping the best that they could. To me, strength  doesn’t mean not feeling or knowing how to handle things or doing things perfectly. It just means I kept/ keep going the best I can. Living moment to moment and honoring my loved one and their wishes. Acknowledging my grief and not trying to stuff my feelings back. An enormous hug to you. You have my deepest empathy.

[Joannc]

Thank you. I trying the best I can to keep my head up and words I truly needed to hear thank you you ever feel like you're trapped in a bubble with only one view of the world and you're trying to explain to people what you see but your emotions have tooken over

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Sorry that my reply is a long one, but I wanted to share some more of my personal story in case any of it helps. 

 Yes! I feel that way all the time. I’ve found people on this forum who feel this way too. It has been a safe space for me to write how I feel and share. I also attended a group the hospital offered when my brother was in there. I went a couple times and those people really knew how I felt without me having to say to much. Some of their experiences put mine into a different perspective for a bit. And then I met another girl in the ICU that could identify with what I was going through. Her and I would sit outside on a bench for 15minutes a couple times a week when we were taking a quick break outside the ICU. Sometimes we sat in silence and other times she would cry, or I would cry and just let out whatever frustration or emotions we were feeling (even if we didn’t express the emotions in a clear way). It helped to know I wasn’t overreacting about what I was experiencing and seeing. I was strong for her when she couldn’t be and she gave me pep talks too. We reminded each other we could and were handling what was in front of us. Handling the best way we could in our own ways. I felt like I was the only one in my family who could actually see what was happening and it was heart wrenching to feel so alone in that. It’s so hard to see a sibling that way and my mind would be over run with thoughts about past, present and future. Our siblings are part of us. I found it hard to eat, sleep and do anything. I wanted to be with him every second. I felt powerless in the outcome of my brothers terminal diagnosis. Since there were so many things I couldn’t control, I did my best to just be present for him. I would speak about good memories when I could see that he was up for that. I tried not to only look at him with heartbreak and sadness. I wanted to respect his process and honor all of the beautiful life we shared and so, I tried to keep both of our spirits up (when appropriate) and cherish the time we had left. A blanket from home was something he liked the most for comfort. Yesterday was actually the anniversary of his passing. He was 33 and I was 27 at the time. I never thought I would survive the loss and I have. The grief regarding him has transformed over the years. I’m now able to think about him without breaking down and feel a general sense of being grateful for the time we had together. Currently, I’m in my grief process regarding the loss of my other brother last year (41) and my mom (69) 6months after losing that brother.  I don’t bring that up for any sympathy or pity or to make the post about me. I just want to share it so that you know that there are others out there who have/are surviving deep loss and there is hope. I will also hold on to hope that your sister and you have better days a head. With my mom, some of the stuff she enjoyed the most in her last month was me gently doing her nails, massaging her arms and feet with lotion, and telling her how beautiful she was. My cousin dropped off a pretty bracelet for her to try on while she was in the hospital and she lit up when she put it on. This was so important and something I didn’t originally think about doing because I was hyper focused on the medical stuff. But I could see that she felt so down and icky with all the medical stuff happening and I realized that she needed to be reminded that she was a beautiful woman with years of love and happiness, a mom, not just a patient and that this last month wouldn’t define her or her life story. Cancer would not win in the way of being the thing people pictured the most after she passed away. I always walked in the room and said “There she is! The most beautiful Mumma in the world!” and she would shake her head as if to say “yeah, right” and then she would laugh and I would get a smile from her. I always blew her kisses and put on movies in the room because she loved watching movies together.

We are here for you. Deep breaths. I know that’s annoying to hear and difficult to do. I wanted to scream when people would suggest that to me, but it does help. Sometimes I would go home from the hospital and scream into a pillow too. That definitely helped. Anything to get that overwhelming stress out of my body. 

Hugs,

Nicole