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Hello all, 

The other thread that was going disappeared. How is everyone hanging in there these days? Is the pit extra dark today? Let me know how you are doing. 

Kelly

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Well Kelly, thank you for caring! I really appreciate your follow up because "we" who are in the Deep pit are floundering. Not sure why we are still here and cannot see a future at all because half of us has gone, amputated. We are no longer whole, ourselves as we knew ourselves if that makes sense.

So, each day is a new day but one in which I am not really here, or there just in limbo. I realise that those who are fighting for their lives and who really want to stay for as long as they can because they have so much to live for (I have actually been in that place myself) but now I have nothing and no one to live for and so I just want to go home.

So that's where I am atm. Hope others are doing better!

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TLC it COMPLETELY makes sense. I was talking to a friend this morning who is also struggling and he said I just want to go home where there is so much love but I realize I still have "work" here on earth I need to do. In his belief system he beliefs in reincarnation and really doesn't want to come back to this dark time every again. Sometimes a foot one at time on this grief journey is all we can do even though each step feels like a marathon. 

I could be wrong but I think talking and being honest about the Dark Pit helps. Correct me if I am wrong! Please, others, give us a shout out here and let us know how your corner of the pit is looking today. 

Kelly

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Hey all,

Why don't you take a chance and make a post about how you are doing and how dark the pit is today? Somebody needs to be first - could be you!

Kelly

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Well, I am still in the Deep Pit. I don't want to be or chose to be but yet I am.

Thirteen months after losing the love of my life and nothing is easier or better and no, I am not "moving on", "getting over it"" or any other such rubbish. Not even learning to live with the pain, the grief. the loss of my love. How could I??

In some ways, I feel that this pain and heartache are getting worse as time goes by. That's not supposed to happen is it? Well, guess what, that's how it is for some of us.

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TLC, after running this grief forum since before 1997, I know there is no straight and true path to coming out of the darkness. People have studied the grieving process, they have charted etc and really it comes down to the individual themselves. Sure, do some people find the light at the end of the tunnel at an x time? Yep. Others - not so much. There was a journal that published studies on grief that I used to read. One of the articles that really "struck" me was on people's belief systems. What some people were finding out was that they couldn't heal and stayed in the dark pit until their belief system changed to align with the loss they experienced. To me that was the first "crack" to a nod towards the fact everyone doesn't enter the grief funnel and pop out the other side after so many days, hours and minutes. And I have heard (not personally experienced as my grief journeys have been different) that sometimes the deep gets deeper before it eases. I do know talking to others honestly (who are willing to listen) have been what people have reported as helped over the years. 

 

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Here is the journal... https://www.tandfonline.com/loi/udst20. And oh my goodness! I looked at the first article of the most recent publication and it is all about Prolonged Grief Disorder. I am not a big one for sticking a label on something FYI but some people need too. However, there are always nuggets to find in anything. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/07481187.2018.1480546. That is the full article if you are interested. It is a study on people surviving the UKraine airplane crash and how they are healing. 

 

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I find I'm at odds with myself going back and forth between good grieving where as I'm calm and stable. Then the bad grieving is really bad where I'm crying constantly, feeling a hatred for God, going through spiritual battle curious of what is facts,myth, and everything in between. 

Loss of a partner due to a murder or any traumatic death is like living hell to the survivor. It's neverending worry,anger,guilt,and a hint of happiness since it's hard to get better when the cases are unsolved. The longer this persist the longer my pain and step towards healing. So many unanswered questions and concerns yet the pure image of their torment and pain haunts you. I would rather live in my sorrow then to get better . I wanted to stay in the hurt . Because they were hurt. I resented others happiness as if they had no right continuing on while my loved one is gone. 

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Joy-

HUGS. Yep you have it about right. Limbo land is really really hard. Others here understand. I am glad you have found the Sudden/Violent Death in the family board. People there will understand. 

Kelly

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I can relate to how you feel Joy as my Dad passed a month ago tomorrow. He was the best Dad and Grandfather, just a wonderful person in general and too young to pass. I find myself questioning my faith, and I don't want to because my Dad never did and all my life talked about it with me. But I find the same feelings sometimes I am okay if I am occupied doing something else. Other times the crying is endless and so painful and seems nothing helps. I started counseling today, well did the intake so hopefully next week. It doesn't help it is over Zoom, but learning to deal with that as well. My prayers go out to you as I right there with you. Much love and prayers, Melissa

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Art Thebes

I read your posts, and I grieve with you. I have buried my entire family. I have only one person, of whom, is still alive; however, my ability to reach the thousand plus miles to make contact, is nigh on impossible. They are always on trips. Having fun. Having a life.

I have not the experiences that many have had. I have buried a mother, a father, my grandparents… hell, I got a letter one day, to lay an aunt to rest, that I had no idea that she existed.

I was married once before, lost a child in the throes of their birth. And her mother shortly thereafter. But that was 25+ years ago… they “live” in a place of piece and beauty inside me, and I them.

I never thought I would love again. And then I met Julia. The love of my life. I can clearly see the dichotomy of my words, but they are true.

And now she is gone. My son is gone. My daughters are gone. My dogs are gone. My home is gone.

I spent some of the last of my money tonight on beer. I am a little drunk now, after seven beers. But being a little drunk, is better than staring into the abyss of my other “options”

 

I am humbled by your posts. Most of you seem so much stronger than I. And for those of you whom are in the pit with me… the only reason we do not do it; somehow rises above our need to care for children or other family. We do not do “it”, because they would not want us to. We cannot deal with the shame of “it”; no matter how badly we want to try to rejoin them… somehow… anyhow…anyway…

 

Thank you for all for your support. I will do what I can to help support you... even though I am nothing. But shadows are real, right? Even if I am just a shade of the man I was, I am still here, right? You are all clearly here, real, and grieving... how do you do it?

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Art Thebes

The pit is a yawning expanse, of never ending, all encompassing, and growing maw of darkness. I teeter on the edge; allowing my toes to be lapped at, by the black waters of its cool, infinite abyss... do I lean forward, and fall in? or do I step back? or am I just lost, barely maintaining my balance on the razor's edge of this piece of black obsidian, that is naught but an island in the midst of this chaotic maelstrom; ever growing, ever threating to swallow me whole...

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I am new here. Just discovered this site, after looking for something online that is not connected to social media. My story is this. Met my husband of 38 years and 15 days on

March 3, 1980. He died suddenly of a heart event on March 18, 2018. On June 24, 2020, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. On August 17, 2020 my mother died. I have no children.

I feel so utterly alone. Covid has complicated this to such a degree, I sometimes feel challenged to simply breathe. I want to be the person who is strong, I feel weak. I want to be the person who understands how to cope, I am not. I don't sleep well anymore. My hobbies have fallen by the wayside, I don't have interest in them at this time. I know we all have our stories, and I want to share mine with you and to learn about yours. I ache for companionship, yet feel no-one would or could measure up to my beloved Tim. My heart has been aching non-stop for so long, I am not sure I remember how it feels to be happy. When is enough enough? I feel picked on by life itself. How much more can I endure? Any thoughts or comments are welcomed.

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Darlene13

@Rayelle. I'm so sorry the last 2 years have been such a tough time for you.  I'm glad you found your way here...I've only been here a few weeks but it helps to know other people understand and care. You've had a lot to deal with in a short time...just want you to know I'm sending you hugs and I'll be praying for you to beat the cancer and find your way through this.   I lost my husband of 30 yrs a month ago tomorrow and I am a pretty big mess tonight.  I wish I knew more helpful things to say but I have a lot of sympathy for where you are, and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me.  I lost my mom nine years ago and I still miss her every day.  

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myloss123

Hello everyone. I'm sorry we are all here for similar reasons, but glad that this is such an inclusive site and helps some days. I don't know if this is the right forum, but I have a question that seems taboo to many people in my life. Please don't feel offended, but if anyone wants to comment in any way, feel free. 

I have really dark days. It's been 16 months since my fiancé died from cancer, long battle. Mid 30s and we had our life planned together. I have a lot of thoughts. sometimes, when I see people being happy. Holding hands in the grocery store, enjoying their families, my sister being engaged, my friends having their own family/home/careers in order. I get jealous, because I lost all of that and I don't know how to be happy about it. I went to a wedding of a close friend recently and had to take off because I was about to break down. It's not everyday, but it's hard to express to them why I'm being "unhappy" in their words, and when I try to explain, they call me selfish. I lost the ONE person in my life that truly understood me, accepted me, without trying to change me at all. The one I let in fully. She was an amazing woman that changed many kids and families lives. Anyway, I'm rambling again.

I just want to know if I'm being too harsh or if anyone has these thoughts at times.

 

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On 7/27/2019 at 8:42 PM, JoyR said:

Then the bad grieving is really bad where I'm crying constantly,...going through spiritual battle curious of what is facts,myth, and everything in between. 

Loss of a partner due to a murder or any traumatic death is like living hell to the survivor. It's neverending worry,anger,guilt.... So many unanswered questions and concerns yet the pure image of their torment and pain haunts you. I would rather live in my sorrow then to get better . I wanted to stay in the hurt . Because they were hurt.

Dear JoyR, I can relate to the spiritual war involved in grief. Since my Father died 3 years ago this May 2nd, I have been embroiled in this war to know God as I did before he died. His presence has fled from me; and if I did not know better, I would think God Himself had died and that that is why this darkness has settled on me. 

I do want the hurt to stop; yet, there is the worry and self-condemnation of moving on without the deceased. Like if I go on does that mean I have forgotten him? Does that mean I no longer care that he is gone? I want the wound to heal; yet, I will not forget him. 

My heart goes out to you. Be well, TLN.

 

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Hello all, I am having a particularly dark day today. I feel cut off from all love, both from the world and Heaven itself. I don't know what to do; I refuse to die... but oh how I feel like doing so. Please help...TLN.

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