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The Dark Pit


Kelly

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Hello all, 

The other thread that was going disappeared. How is everyone hanging in there these days? Is the pit extra dark today? Let me know how you are doing. 

Kelly

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Well Kelly, thank you for caring! I really appreciate your follow up because "we" who are in the Deep pit are floundering. Not sure why we are still here and cannot see a future at all because half of us has gone, amputated. We are no longer whole, ourselves as we knew ourselves if that makes sense.

So, each day is a new day but one in which I am not really here, or there just in limbo. I realise that those who are fighting for their lives and who really want to stay for as long as they can because they have so much to live for (I have actually been in that place myself) but now I have nothing and no one to live for and so I just want to go home.

So that's where I am atm. Hope others are doing better!

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TLC it COMPLETELY makes sense. I was talking to a friend this morning who is also struggling and he said I just want to go home where there is so much love but I realize I still have "work" here on earth I need to do. In his belief system he beliefs in reincarnation and really doesn't want to come back to this dark time every again. Sometimes a foot one at time on this grief journey is all we can do even though each step feels like a marathon. 

I could be wrong but I think talking and being honest about the Dark Pit helps. Correct me if I am wrong! Please, others, give us a shout out here and let us know how your corner of the pit is looking today. 

Kelly

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Hey all,

Why don't you take a chance and make a post about how you are doing and how dark the pit is today? Somebody needs to be first - could be you!

Kelly

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Well, I am still in the Deep Pit. I don't want to be or chose to be but yet I am.

Thirteen months after losing the love of my life and nothing is easier or better and no, I am not "moving on", "getting over it"" or any other such rubbish. Not even learning to live with the pain, the grief. the loss of my love. How could I??

In some ways, I feel that this pain and heartache are getting worse as time goes by. That's not supposed to happen is it? Well, guess what, that's how it is for some of us.

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TLC, after running this grief forum since before 1997, I know there is no straight and true path to coming out of the darkness. People have studied the grieving process, they have charted etc and really it comes down to the individual themselves. Sure, do some people find the light at the end of the tunnel at an x time? Yep. Others - not so much. There was a journal that published studies on grief that I used to read. One of the articles that really "struck" me was on people's belief systems. What some people were finding out was that they couldn't heal and stayed in the dark pit until their belief system changed to align with the loss they experienced. To me that was the first "crack" to a nod towards the fact everyone doesn't enter the grief funnel and pop out the other side after so many days, hours and minutes. And I have heard (not personally experienced as my grief journeys have been different) that sometimes the deep gets deeper before it eases. I do know talking to others honestly (who are willing to listen) have been what people have reported as helped over the years. 

 

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Here is the journal... https://www.tandfonline.com/loi/udst20. And oh my goodness! I looked at the first article of the most recent publication and it is all about Prolonged Grief Disorder. I am not a big one for sticking a label on something FYI but some people need too. However, there are always nuggets to find in anything. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/07481187.2018.1480546. That is the full article if you are interested. It is a study on people surviving the UKraine airplane crash and how they are healing. 

 

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I find I'm at odds with myself going back and forth between good grieving where as I'm calm and stable. Then the bad grieving is really bad where I'm crying constantly, feeling a hatred for God, going through spiritual battle curious of what is facts,myth, and everything in between. 

Loss of a partner due to a murder or any traumatic death is like living hell to the survivor. It's neverending worry,anger,guilt,and a hint of happiness since it's hard to get better when the cases are unsolved. The longer this persist the longer my pain and step towards healing. So many unanswered questions and concerns yet the pure image of their torment and pain haunts you. I would rather live in my sorrow then to get better . I wanted to stay in the hurt . Because they were hurt. I resented others happiness as if they had no right continuing on while my loved one is gone. 

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Joy-

HUGS. Yep you have it about right. Limbo land is really really hard. Others here understand. I am glad you have found the Sudden/Violent Death in the family board. People there will understand. 

Kelly

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I can relate to how you feel Joy as my Dad passed a month ago tomorrow. He was the best Dad and Grandfather, just a wonderful person in general and too young to pass. I find myself questioning my faith, and I don't want to because my Dad never did and all my life talked about it with me. But I find the same feelings sometimes I am okay if I am occupied doing something else. Other times the crying is endless and so painful and seems nothing helps. I started counseling today, well did the intake so hopefully next week. It doesn't help it is over Zoom, but learning to deal with that as well. My prayers go out to you as I right there with you. Much love and prayers, Melissa

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I read your posts, and I grieve with you. I have buried my entire family. I have only one person, of whom, is still alive; however, my ability to reach the thousand plus miles to make contact, is nigh on impossible. They are always on trips. Having fun. Having a life.

I have not the experiences that many have had. I have buried a mother, a father, my grandparents… hell, I got a letter one day, to lay an aunt to rest, that I had no idea that she existed.

I was married once before, lost a child in the throes of their birth. And her mother shortly thereafter. But that was 25+ years ago… they “live” in a place of piece and beauty inside me, and I them.

I never thought I would love again. And then I met Julia. The love of my life. I can clearly see the dichotomy of my words, but they are true.

And now she is gone. My son is gone. My daughters are gone. My dogs are gone. My home is gone.

I spent some of the last of my money tonight on beer. I am a little drunk now, after seven beers. But being a little drunk, is better than staring into the abyss of my other “options”

 

I am humbled by your posts. Most of you seem so much stronger than I. And for those of you whom are in the pit with me… the only reason we do not do it; somehow rises above our need to care for children or other family. We do not do “it”, because they would not want us to. We cannot deal with the shame of “it”; no matter how badly we want to try to rejoin them… somehow… anyhow…anyway…

 

Thank you for all for your support. I will do what I can to help support you... even though I am nothing. But shadows are real, right? Even if I am just a shade of the man I was, I am still here, right? You are all clearly here, real, and grieving... how do you do it?

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The pit is a yawning expanse, of never ending, all encompassing, and growing maw of darkness. I teeter on the edge; allowing my toes to be lapped at, by the black waters of its cool, infinite abyss... do I lean forward, and fall in? or do I step back? or am I just lost, barely maintaining my balance on the razor's edge of this piece of black obsidian, that is naught but an island in the midst of this chaotic maelstrom; ever growing, ever threating to swallow me whole...

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I am new here. Just discovered this site, after looking for something online that is not connected to social media. My story is this. Met my husband of 38 years and 15 days on

March 3, 1980. He died suddenly of a heart event on March 18, 2018. On June 24, 2020, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. On August 17, 2020 my mother died. I have no children.

I feel so utterly alone. Covid has complicated this to such a degree, I sometimes feel challenged to simply breathe. I want to be the person who is strong, I feel weak. I want to be the person who understands how to cope, I am not. I don't sleep well anymore. My hobbies have fallen by the wayside, I don't have interest in them at this time. I know we all have our stories, and I want to share mine with you and to learn about yours. I ache for companionship, yet feel no-one would or could measure up to my beloved Tim. My heart has been aching non-stop for so long, I am not sure I remember how it feels to be happy. When is enough enough? I feel picked on by life itself. How much more can I endure? Any thoughts or comments are welcomed.

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@Rayelle. I'm so sorry the last 2 years have been such a tough time for you.  I'm glad you found your way here...I've only been here a few weeks but it helps to know other people understand and care. You've had a lot to deal with in a short time...just want you to know I'm sending you hugs and I'll be praying for you to beat the cancer and find your way through this.   I lost my husband of 30 yrs a month ago tomorrow and I am a pretty big mess tonight.  I wish I knew more helpful things to say but I have a lot of sympathy for where you are, and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me.  I lost my mom nine years ago and I still miss her every day.  

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Hello everyone. I'm sorry we are all here for similar reasons, but glad that this is such an inclusive site and helps some days. I don't know if this is the right forum, but I have a question that seems taboo to many people in my life. Please don't feel offended, but if anyone wants to comment in any way, feel free. 

I have really dark days. It's been 16 months since my fiancé died from cancer, long battle. Mid 30s and we had our life planned together. I have a lot of thoughts. sometimes, when I see people being happy. Holding hands in the grocery store, enjoying their families, my sister being engaged, my friends having their own family/home/careers in order. I get jealous, because I lost all of that and I don't know how to be happy about it. I went to a wedding of a close friend recently and had to take off because I was about to break down. It's not everyday, but it's hard to express to them why I'm being "unhappy" in their words, and when I try to explain, they call me selfish. I lost the ONE person in my life that truly understood me, accepted me, without trying to change me at all. The one I let in fully. She was an amazing woman that changed many kids and families lives. Anyway, I'm rambling again.

I just want to know if I'm being too harsh or if anyone has these thoughts at times.

 

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On 7/27/2019 at 8:42 PM, JoyR said:

Then the bad grieving is really bad where I'm crying constantly,...going through spiritual battle curious of what is facts,myth, and everything in between. 

Loss of a partner due to a murder or any traumatic death is like living hell to the survivor. It's neverending worry,anger,guilt.... So many unanswered questions and concerns yet the pure image of their torment and pain haunts you. I would rather live in my sorrow then to get better . I wanted to stay in the hurt . Because they were hurt.

Dear JoyR, I can relate to the spiritual war involved in grief. Since my Father died 3 years ago this May 2nd, I have been embroiled in this war to know God as I did before he died. His presence has fled from me; and if I did not know better, I would think God Himself had died and that that is why this darkness has settled on me. 

I do want the hurt to stop; yet, there is the worry and self-condemnation of moving on without the deceased. Like if I go on does that mean I have forgotten him? Does that mean I no longer care that he is gone? I want the wound to heal; yet, I will not forget him. 

My heart goes out to you. Be well, TLN.

 

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Hello all, I am having a particularly dark day today. I feel cut off from all love, both from the world and Heaven itself. I don't know what to do; I refuse to die... but oh how I feel like doing so. Please help...TLN.

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On 5/10/2019 at 6:00 AM, tlc said:

We are no longer whole, ourselves as we knew ourselves if that makes sense.

So, each day is a new day but one in which I am not really here, or there just in limbo. I realize that those who are fighting for their lives and who really want to stay for as long as they can because they have so much to live for (I have actually been in that place myself) but now I have nothing and no one to live for and so I just want to go home.

 

Six awful months ago I lost my mom who I was inseparable from for 60 years (very shy, introverted boy who ultimately stayed that way - never left home, no SO, close family or friends).  Like others on the Parents Board, Mom was my sole refuge.  I tell people I can't stand the separation and loneliness and feel like I don't belong here anymore, so they tell me to begin taking medication immediately, but I've had vertigo and fear the side effects.  They are clearly getting tired of my grieving and are beginning to show their impatience, which makes me very angry and resentful because they all get to go home with their loved ones while I go back to the empty house alone to rant and pace the floors..     

On 6/3/2019 at 6:49 AM, tlc said:

nothing is easier or better and no, I am not "moving on", "getting over it"" or any other such rubbish. Not even learning to live with the pain, the grief. the loss of my love. How could I??

In some ways, I feel that this pain and heartache are getting worse as time goes by. That's not supposed to happen is it? Well, guess what, that's how it is for some of us.

Every day is a deeper descent into a panic-stricken, claustrophobic, hysterical living hell that is at its worst in the mornings.  My mother's absence and the memories of the 8 1/2 month horror she and I went through are unbearable and hit hardest at the start of the 'next day alone in Hell'.  Should I manage to sleep at all, the shock and paralyzing dread I feel upon waking up alone in the empty house (especially after dreaming) are agonizing and terrifying beyond description.  It feels like I'm going to die.  And it gets worse each day.  I don't know where to run because there is nowhere to run anymore; there is not a single person or place in this world that can provide the slightest comfort or consolation (they do just the opposite, make me more unhinged than I already am).  Only Mom could stop the pain and sadness and heal my broken heart.  I can't stand not hearing her voice anymore.  I can barely eat or sleep and fear the lonely future like the plague.  I don't want to be here anymore but have a phobia about doctors and hospitals and Covid.  Tomorrow morning I have to play at a coworker's memorial service (Covid) at the church Mom and I attended / worked at for 33 years, and the stress and heartbreak are going to be brutal.  So I keep hoping that the End Times people turn out to be right this time around.         

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On 3/25/2021 at 9:55 PM, TLN said:

Hello all, I am having a particularly dark day today. I feel cut off from all love, both from the world and Heaven itself. I don't know what to do; I refuse to die... but oh how I feel like doing so. Please help...TLN.

I feel bad that no one responded to this but don't know when / if you'll be back.  In any case I can truly relate to what you say (see the above post) and wish I had some constructive advice, but I'm too much in the same boat to be of much help.  In fact I just got one of those sudden, brutal gut-punch heartbreak onslaughts that come out of nowhere, when for some reason I thought of my mother asking for her knitting by hand gesture when she couldn't speak anymore.  I would give it to her but Mom (a lifelong expert knitter) could no longer knit at all and would fall asleep holding the needles pointing upwards, so I had to take them away from her.  This is just one example of why I hate every moment and can't take being in this alien world any longer - there are hundreds of others..   

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Hi All,

I lost my dad last year, the anniversary was 1/5/2022. It's been a rough year, my dad was sick but this was unexpected. Been trying to get back to normal, whatever that may be and it's not easy. My mom can't do much on her own, so I am left with the responsibility that my dad used to handle. It is very hard and I thought that after a year things would get better, but they have not. I cry a lot, I hear a song and I think about him. I feel him around me, many strange things have happened since his death. I know he is still around and it does give me comfort. It is just hard, you can tell people how it feels and unless they are lost a parent...they don't understand. A few night before he passed, I had a dream I was going to lose him and it felt like I could not catch my breath. No one tells you how long these feelings go on, no one prepares you for it. I question my own life now, I ended up in the hospital Sept 2020 and if I haden't of gone that day, I most likely would not be here. I would have been a vegetable or dead. Trying to understand everything is hard. 

My friend of 16 years lost her husband, and it shocked me so much.....I feel any progress I made is gone. Trying to check on her and comfort her, making sure she is ok. It just makes me upset at the world. 

It's friday and we are all alive here...we have to be thankful for event eh smallest things right now I guess....

 

 

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I'm new here, and a bit unsure of what to say, but today and just lately things have been overwhelming for me. I have other issues complicating things as well, but as today is the date of my Grandmother's death and it is very much on my mind and just hurting. She was my main caretaker, my mother worked constantly and was too exhausted to be much involved, so my Grandma filled that role for many things in my life, especially childhood. It's been 7 years now, and I thought that the grief would lessen, or at least become more bearable with time, but it really seems like it hasn't, especially because of the other stress. I'm filled with regret today, more than my usual daily amount, and as before I know I will be dragging myself through the weekend while my partner breezes through it. I should have stayed longer at the hospital that day, I should have spent the night. I should have spent more time with her before, but they said she had a good chance at a better life after her heart surgery, I had taken her to all her doc appts and PT when she had the first surgery, but right after this one it was just different. She knew she was going to pass, she kept telling me to make sure I got all her angels in her collection, (which is another regret because they all got stolen out of my storage unit when I was moving) and to make sure I took out the garbage because she didn't want her apartment to be stinky. I should have stayed. Why didn't I stay? The nurse said she had a huge smile and was reaching for someone when she passed, so I guess it wasn't traumatic for her, which is a small comfort I guess. But my heart is hurting today, and i just want another day with her to hear her songs around the apartment, to have her comfort, because since I moved I have no friends, and health problems and I just wish she was here to make me feel like everything isn't pointless, she was really my only support network. I'm in the pit, and it feels like there isn't any hands to help me out. It's been so long, and i do grieve every year, but this year, this day, is just really hard. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

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I'm Here. I'm Listening, I understand the feeling of being alone and feeling like your drowning.

If you ever want someone to listen or just chat my inbox is always open.

 

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9 hours ago, KittyKatt said:

I understand the feeling of being alone and feeling like your drowning.

Today it's 7 months since I lost my beloved Mother, all I had left in the world, inseparable from each other for 60 years.  I am totally alone because we lost Father in 2000 and it was just the two of us since.  I've had extreme separation anxiety since age 5 and now it is so off-the-charts that I can't stand being alive anymore, but I'm afraid of hurting myself or getting sick (just wish I could somehow not be here anymore).  Also have to face losing the house after 39 years together in it.

I try to hide from "their world" by sleeping but something happens that keeps shocking me awake just when I can't keep my eyes open anymore, some kind of flashback or wave of despair that comes over me 15 or 20 times in a row and makes me feel like I'm dying each time.  Plus the dreams when they occur are heart-breaking or nightmares.  So instead of the sleep-terror I go up and down the stairs in the empty house in extreme panic with nowhere to run because Mom was my sole source of calm and peace. 

The worst of all is being forced outside with people because of my limited employment, which I hate now because it is at a church and Mom would always be there with me (for 33 years).  Being there and then going back to the empty house without her is like a living nightmare or Hell that gets worse with every repetition, while people keep telling me it's making me better and better.  I'll have to face that 3 of the next 4 days.  And when more stressed than usual all the horrors of Mom's 8 1/2 month sickness ordeal and the 3 months I wasn't allowed to see her hit the hardest.  So the hell never stops day or night, awake or asleep no matter where I am.  And if I had called the EMTs sooner than I did maybe both of our lives could have been saved.  

 

 

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Just joined tonight. Saw this circle and felt drawn to it. Lost our adult son to brain cancer 10-24-2021. I crawled into the pit the day of his funeral filled with greif, anger, hopelessness. Prayed for weeks on end that I would die just for relief. Now I'm just numb. 

Nighttime is the worst, when things get quiet and my mind runs down the rabbit hole searching for the why. Why him and not me, I'm old and have lived a life. He was just getting his adult life started and doing a wonderful job. 

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Laura Vence

I know how you feel. I lost my husband to liver and heart disease just a few days before. And 11 years ago my adult son died in his sleep. I adored them both. Now I feel I have no one. When my son died, somehow I survived--by chasing to honor him. Now I'm not sure I have the strength to go on with both of them over the veil. It's all very hard. I send you support. 

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Gabriel Klein

This is a very good topic. I lost my mom 7 years ago and crawled into a bottle. I was sober for a year and a half and then that 7 year anniversary popped up and I just couldn't help myself the whole month of March was me going from one drink to the next with school and work in-between. But it's not all doom and gloom, my therapist recommended that I start to open up and talk about my grief so here we are live and in full technicolor.

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I lost my brother on April 3rd 2008. He was ripped away from this world suddenly in a tragic accident. He was in the passenger side of a truck while his friend was driving over train tracks. The truck got stuck on the tracks and the train hit the passenger side directly. The truck was hit so hard it spun around and my brother was ejected out of the passenger side door and thrown in the air 40 feet. I'm pretty sure he died from shock before being hit by the train. 

I've learned over the last 14 years that the intense feelings from losing someone close to you never go away but you learn how to accept those feelings as an amazing experience. I beat myself up for years trying to ignore these feelings and telling myself to just get over them and move on. That was where I was wrong. I now realize that these extreme feelings of anger and sadness and any other strong emotion are one of the most amazing parts of living this life. I now try my best to observe my feelings, WITHOUT SHAME OR GUILT, whenever they arise and I accept them and let My Self know that it's ok to feel sad or angry or happy. I still use "poor" coping strategies like drinking too much alcohol or buying things I don't need or making crazy decisions and acting spontaneously but that's also part of Me and I love the good, bad, and crazy things I do and try my best to not feel guilt or shame for acting out over my intense emotions. I also refuse to allow others to put Me down. When they try, I tell them "thank you for sharing that with me" and I carry on with my day.

 

This newer technique of Dialectical Behavior Therapy has really helped me. You can search material on youtube and learn how to use this technique without having to pay for a therapist. The idea around DBT is to learn to accept your intense emotions and learn to Love Your SELF!!!!!!

 

Hope this helps anyone out there who may be struggling. Never forget to LOVE YOU because all you ever need is YOU and YOU will always be there for YOUR SELF!

 

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Bill Thornton

I can easily relate to so much that's been shared here, the expressed feelings of shame and guilt and the coping mechanisms that so many of us turn to. Remembering to love oneself is vital to happiness, particularly in mitigating grief. But doing so can be daunting over the days, weeks, and months when grief's cycle of guilt-->sorrow-->catharsis continues relentlessly. Birthdays and anniversaries are especially hard.

Losing my little brother to an overdose that may have been a suicide (But maybe, hopefully, he didn't mean to do it???) has left me wondering constantly whether I could have done more. The answer is always yes, no matter what I try to tell myself. Still, when I step outside myself for a moment and try to imagine someone else sharing these thoughts with me, the way many of you here in this forum have, I remember that I'm not alone. I want to comfort other voices in pain. I want to encourage all of you to revisit your favorite memories and to remind you how much your departed loved one loved you. I sometimes acknowledge my brother sitting next to me, smiling patiently as he listens to every lost word aching in my heart. His smile seems to say that he wishes I wouldn't hurt so much . . . 

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