I lost my Boyfriend in a car accident

[Macey Poinsett]

I need help. It's the 3rd day of his passing. I know I have my family and his mother to help but.. I still feel so alone. I miss him so much. It hurts, it hurts so much. I feel empty and depressed. I don't really want to do anything anymore, there's nothing to look forward too. I just want to be with him. I wanted to marry him. Now he's gone. All I can do is grieve and suffer. I want the pain to go away. I'm tired of crying, I'm exhausted and can't get a good nights sleep. It doesn't feel real, nothing does. I feel like I'll get a text from him soon but nothing comes. What am I supposed to do now? I hate this. I don't want to end my life because I know he would be upset and my family would as well. Even though I'm in a group of people, I still feel alone. It's my fault that he's gone, it's my fault that his sister, dad and him are gone. I'm so sorry. I'm trying so hard to get better. Every time I look in the mirror I get mad at myself. It's my fault, I didn't mean too. Because of my anxiety and doubts I wanted something bad to happen to him so I would appreciate him more....it happened but at what cost? He's gone, his dad's gone, and his sister's gone. He was 23, he just turned 23. His sister was only 14. His dad 49. I'm so sorry, I hope God forgives me. I hope all 3 forgive me. Please, I don't know what to do anymore, I need help and I'm actually afraid to tell my family. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Macey Poinsett said:

I need help. It's the 3rd day of his passing. I know I have my family and his mother to help but.. I still feel so alone. I miss him so much. It hurts, it hurts so much. I feel empty and depressed. I don't really want to do anything anymore, there's nothing to look forward too. I just want to be with him. I wanted to marry him. Now he's gone. All I can do is grieve and suffer. I want the pain to go away. I'm tired of crying, I'm exhausted and can't get a good nights sleep. It doesn't feel real, nothing does. I feel like I'll get a text from him soon but nothing comes. What am I supposed to do now? I hate this. I don't want to end my life because I know he would be upset and my family would as well. Even though I'm in a group of people, I still feel alone. It's my fault that he's gone, it's my fault that his sister, dad and him are gone. I'm so sorry. I'm trying so hard to get better. Every time I look in the mirror I get mad at myself. It's my fault, I didn't mean too. Because of my anxiety and doubts I wanted something bad to happen to him so I would appreciate him more....it happened but at what cost? He's gone, his dad's gone, and his sister's gone. He was 23, he just turned 23. His sister was only 14. His dad 49. I'm so sorry, I hope God forgives me. I hope all 3 forgive me. Please, I don't know what to do anymore, I need help and I'm actually afraid to tell my family. 

Hon, I am so sorry for your loss.  You can cast aside the thought that you are responsible for his death by your thinking or wishes, frankly, we don't have that kind of power.  In our lives, all of us have thought bad things, that doesn't mean that deep down inside we really wanted that to happen, we just aren't thinking clearly at the moment.  If you continue to carry this line of thinking, I encourage you to see a grief counselor, which honestly I recommend anyway as it's hard to make our way through this maze called grief, it's hard at best.

I want to share with you an article I wrote at about ten years out from the loss of my husband...some of it might be of help now, some of it perhaps later on down the road.  I know right now it's hard to even think, most of us are still in shock this soon in, so it might help to print it out and read it again in a few months, and again a few months later yet.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[chincube]

10 hours ago, Macey Poinsett said:

I need help. It's the 3rd day of his passing. I know I have my family and his mother to help but.. I still feel so alone. I miss him so much. It hurts, it hurts so much. I feel empty and depressed. I don't really want to do anything anymore, there's nothing to look forward too. I just want to be with him. I wanted to marry him. Now he's gone. All I can do is grieve and suffer. I want the pain to go away. I'm tired of crying, I'm exhausted and can't get a good nights sleep. It doesn't feel real, nothing does. I feel like I'll get a text from him soon but nothing comes. What am I supposed to do now? I hate this. I don't want to end my life because I know he would be upset and my family would as well. Even though I'm in a group of people, I still feel alone. It's my fault that he's gone, it's my fault that his sister, dad and him are gone. I'm so sorry. I'm trying so hard to get better. Every time I look in the mirror I get mad at myself. It's my fault, I didn't mean too. Because of my anxiety and doubts I wanted something bad to happen to him so I would appreciate him more....it happened but at what cost? He's gone, his dad's gone, and his sister's gone. He was 23, he just turned 23. His sister was only 14. His dad 49. I'm so sorry, I hope God forgives me. I hope all 3 forgive me. Please, I don't know what to do anymore, I need help and I'm actually afraid to tell my family. 

Hey, at times I still feel that there could have been things I've done to prevent my boyfriend's death too,or feel that it's my fault. But please do remember that it really is not your fault. 

I wish I can give you a big hug, and we get how everything is so painful right now. I scream-cried a week straight majority of the hours of the day, and didn't sleep at all. I used to love to eat so much and until now I still can't stomach much food. It's so raw for you, I know nothing makes sense right now. Just keep on breathing, time would pass second by second, minute by minute, hours by hours, day by day. All you have to do now is to keep on breathing, try to take care of yourself. 

I don't have much wisdom to share, I'm very new to this as well and I still haven't passed one day without crying. But please know that we are here for you, you can vent you can unload some of your burden, we'll listen. 

[ccoflove]

Hi Macey, I so feel for you and the sudden trauma of your loss. You are in the first few days of a fresh and deeply painful life changing wound. It so close to my own loss, I lost my boyfriend of 8 years in a car accident 6 months ago. Nothing can prepare a person for the grief of losing the most intimate person we love and when it happens so suddenly and unexpectedly it is so hard to process. For me the first 4 months were as you described, it felt impossible to live. I too felt to blame for the accident, he went to a meeting that I should of gone with him to but didnt. You are not to blame, but guilt and regret seem to all be a part of the grief process, but you are not to blame. Our minds want so badly to make sense of the unsensable and find a way to change and control the outcome. You have lost a part of yourself that will take time to heal so try your best to not beat yourself up too much more than what your already going through. Letting yourself feel the sadness is the only way through it unfortunately. I still struggle tremendously missing him, and that will never go away because of the love I have for him. It is important to have people you can talk to. Its a long painful journey that is a lonely path. I am still lost knowing how to make a new life for myself and dont look forward to much either. Keep breathing moment to moment is all you can do until some of the rawness of the pain eases up some. Give it time and keep coming here reading and sharing your feelings with all of us who understand. Were here for you. I would give you a big hug as sometimes thats really what we need. Again, I am so sorry you are here. 

[Scott A]

On 5/8/2019 at 4:51 PM, Macey Poinsett said:

I need help. It's the 3rd day of his passing. I know I have my family and his mother to help but.. I still feel so alone. I miss him so much. It hurts, it hurts so much. I feel empty and depressed. I don't really want to do anything anymore, there's nothing to look forward too. I just want to be with him. I wanted to marry him. Now he's gone. All I can do is grieve and suffer. I want the pain to go away. I'm tired of crying, I'm exhausted and can't get a good nights sleep. It doesn't feel real, nothing does. I feel like I'll get a text from him soon but nothing comes. What am I supposed to do now? I hate this. I don't want to end my life because I know he would be upset and my family would as well. Even though I'm in a group of people, I still feel alone. It's my fault that he's gone, it's my fault that his sister, dad and him are gone. I'm so sorry. I'm trying so hard to get better. Every time I look in the mirror I get mad at myself. It's my fault, I didn't mean too. Because of my anxiety and doubts I wanted something bad to happen to him so I would appreciate him more....it happened but at what cost? He's gone, his dad's gone, and his sister's gone. He was 23, he just turned 23. His sister was only 14. His dad 49. I'm so sorry, I hope God forgives me. I hope all 3 forgive me. Please, I don't know what to do anymore, I need help and I'm actually afraid to tell my family. 

Just know you're not alone in all the emotions you're dealing with...depression, sadness, emptiness, guilt, loneliness...the list goes on.  Some of those emotions will stabilize with time, others I don't believe will ever go away.  Talk to you family and friends or talk to those on this website or talk to a therapist.  Don't ever give up, just try your best to take things one day at a time.  I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[chincube]

@Macey Poinsett I was thinking about you today, I hope you would check in again later and would hear from you again - even if you're just feeling bad and wanting to vent.

[Macey Poinsett]

Thank you all that's posted on here, I still feel the same and I don't think it's really going to change to be honest. But I appreciate everyone's help

[KayC]

Give yourself time to adjust, grief does evolve, the part that doesn't change is the missing him and loving him, that part is forever.  As we do our grief work we learn to adjust and cope, little by little, it's very raw for you right now, I hope you'll keep coming here.