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MMV

Completely heart broken and lost

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MMV

Yesterday around 2am I had to put my cat of 17 years down. She was fine when I left for work in the afternoon and about 6 hours later my mom came to my job with her in the car wrapped in a blanket crying, saying she didn’t know what was wrong. She had found her on the bathroom floor throwing up blood. She could not use her back legs and could barely pick up her head. I left work and we went to a 24 hour animal hospital.

After waiting in the lobby for an hour the vet was finally able to see her and said she lost all feeling in her back and was most likely going through kidney failure. she was declining fast. He was honest and said he could do blood work and x rays but chance of survival through the night was low. In the time that we were given to decide whether to put her down or go through with the blood work she threw up twice and I could see in her eyes she was in so much pain. She wouldn’t stop meowing and lifting her two front paws unless I sat on the floor and held her in my arms. My mind was telling me to do everything we could to keep her for a couple more days or even hours but seeing her I felt like I knew what we had to do.

The nurse came in and took her from me to place the catheter and the second she realized she was being held by someone else she started meowing loudly and looking back at me. They sent us to the front lobby for a couple of minutes and I could hear her crying from there. They gave us a bit more time with her and then he came in and gave her the solution and she was gone within seconds. I held her and felt her go. The entire thing was honestly one of the worst and most traumatizing experiences I’ve ever had.

 She was my best friend. I had her since I was 9 years old. She was in my life for longer than any friendship or relationship I’ve had to date. She was there for me through the loss of my brother and grandfather. She was there through my break ups and heartbreaks and all my accomplishments. No matter what time I would come home she would wake up and meow at me and jump into bed and fall asleep with me under my covers. This morning I woke up in a daze and felt my pillow under my blanket and yanked the blanket off thinking it was her. I haven’t stopped crying. I feel like no one, not my friends, my boss, no one understands how much losing her means.

I’m wracked with guilt over putting her down. I don't know if I should have done more. I’m still in shock because she was fine when I left. She was fine the days before too nothing out of the ordinary. It’s only been a day and I miss her so much. To top it off the memories of my brother and grandpa passing away are coming back vividly and its making this even more difficult. I’m completely lost and devastated. 

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KayC

Oh Hon, you did exactly the right thing, you wanted her out of her suffering...you took her pain upon yourself and it's hard.  It's normal to feel guilt in grief, that doesn't mean it's earned or deserved.  She loved you and felt comfortable with you and wanted you there and she had that comfort when she passed, I'm glad you were with her for her sake even though it was traumatizing for you.  It is the hardest thing in the world to let them go.  

I'm sorry also for your other losses.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
 

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+Jeffrey+

Aww, I am very sorry for your loss. And I know it wasn't easy, but I too believe you made the right decision in ending her suffering. Sounds like there wasn't anything that could have been done to save her.

Wishing you the very best in the days ahead. Hang in there!

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MMV

Thank you guys. It’s gotten easier since those first couple of hours but every time I go into my room I still expect her to be there waiting for me and it makes me sad all over again. Just hard to accept after so many years 

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JosefinaK

Hello,

I've just joined this community after my beloved cat Khaleesi died 1 and a half days ago and I've been searching for a place where i can talk to people because just like you, i feel lost, heartbroken and cant think straight.

My cat was 7 years old and died from heart failure, a condition no one knew she had. I keep blaming myself for not knowing but there was no way i could´ve known. My friends keep telling me that she was ment to die young, because all birth condition cant be changed... i rescued her from the streets at one month old. Sick and almost lost her. but i managed to save her from that and raised the best partner i could ever asked for.

Last  year i had to put my dog down at 17 years old just like you. MY heart broke and now, exactly one year later it just feels like i dont have a heart at all.

I've had many pets in my life, but no relationship like with my Khaleesi. She was everything to me... my whole world... my life. I cant think straight, i cant function well. I keep blaming myself, and so many people dont understand how the death of an animal can afect me more than the death of a human being.

I hope to you and to me that we can find the way to live in peace. To find comfort. I´m glad i have found this website and see that im not the onlyone going through this.

(sorry if my english in not perfect, it is not my first language).

IMG_8360.JPG

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KayC

@JosefinaK  I am so sorry, we hope they'll live a long life and when they don't...it's hard.  No amount of time would have felt enough though.  She is beautiful, I love this picture!

You rescued her and gave her a good life, from a sickly little kitten to this beautiful cat!  She looks a lot like my daughter's cat, Rick, she rescued him also and when she got him he little resembled the gorgeous happy cat he became.

You are right, you couldn't have known about her heart.  I've had cats all my adult life and never had one with heart or kidney problems, it's just luck of the draw.  You were chosen to be her mom and she was happy with you, it's evident.

Wishing you comfort and peace...

@MMV and @JosefinaK  Perhaps this is how it is, I hope so:

 

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JosefinaK

Thank you @KayC ! It really helps when someone talks to you and tries to make your grieving process less hard. I’m not doing well at the moment... I keep breaking up in tears at any moment of the day... but will try to get better. Just one day at a time. 

Thanks for the video!! 

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Jada

I just did this yesterday. I thought my cat was in kidney failure but she was dying from her heart giving out. But I understand the pain you feel. It is the worst feeling you could ever have. You did the right thing. I am dealing with the same feeling did I do the right thing by putting my cat down. The sounds I heard her make at the very end was so traumatic. I will never forget. Just know your not alone.  I dealt with the same situation yesterday. I understand your pain. 

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Jada
On 5/9/2019 at 10:43 AM, JosefinaK said:

Hello,

I've just joined this community after my beloved cat Khaleesi died 1 and a half days ago and I've been searching for a place where i can talk to people because just like you, i feel lost, heartbroken and cant think straight.

My cat was 7 years old and died from heart failure, a condition no one knew she had. I keep blaming myself for not knowing but there was no way i could´ve known. My friends keep telling me that she was ment to die young, because all birth condition cant be changed... i rescued her from the streets at one month old. Sick and almost lost her. but i managed to save her from that and raised the best partner i could ever asked for.

Last  year i had to put my dog down at 17 years old just like you. MY heart broke and now, exactly one year later it just feels like i dont have a heart at all.

I've had many pets in my life, but no relationship like with my Khaleesi. She was everything to me... my whole world... my life. I cant think straight, i cant function well. I keep blaming myself, and so many people dont understand how the death of an animal can afect me more than the death of a human being.

I hope to you and to me that we can find the way to live in peace. To find comfort. I´m glad i have found this website and see that im not the onlyone going through this.

(sorry if my english in not perfect, it is not my first language).

IMG_8360.JPG

I can relate. I put my cat down yesterday due to heart failure. It was so unexpected. I have had other animals and had to put them down. But I never in my life experienced the love I had with Jada who passed yesterday. The pain I feel is unbearable. I have lost family members recently and the pain wasn’t know were as bad as what I’m feeling right now.  Literally can’t think straight. I feel nobody around me understands my pain. I am with you. I understand 

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Leonora63

I lost my little heart bond in March. Still overwhelming grief takes over at times, still miss him so very very much.  Celebrate your love, if you cry it's ok. Would we be without their part in our lives? I know I never regret having to buy another cat box to bring home Gervase, the most beautiful Bengal there ever was or ever could be, because he chose me. Take care my dears who also feel bereft- we are sharing the pain.

IMG_0696.JPG

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Jada

I can honestly say that is the most beautiful cat. I have ever seen. Yes the grief is still taking over me at all times. Honestly I can say this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. But your right I need to celebrate my baby’s life. They chose us for a reason and I am very blessed. I will always miss her. It does feel good to know I’m not alone I don’t feel so crazy. I’m am with you. Thank you. 

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KayC

Leonora,

That is the most beautiful cat, I've never seen one with those colors/markings.  My pastor has a Bengal, very special cat.

I'm sorry for your pain.  It's been three years ago today I lost my Miss Mocha, she had beautiful blue eyes and a heart shaped nose, and was so loving and flirtatious with men.  She put on an air of not being afraid of dogs, no matter the situation, she'd hold her ground with them, I was so proud of her.  My sweet little girl, I still miss her.
 

Miss Mocha.jpg

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