It’s been one month since my mom died

[xohliz]

On March 25th I had surgery to remove a tumor from my breast. My mom, dad, cousin, and boyfriend were all there because I was terrified. My mom kept telling me I’ll be alright. That was the last time she hugged me. March 30th my mom forced me to get out of bed and go to the movies with her and my dad and it was a good night. It was our last night. March 31st I woke up to a muffled cry of “Elizabeth help!” My dad had my mom in his arms and he said she was in cardiac arrest. I didn’t know what to do and began pumping her chest. My cousin ran in and I told her call 911. I looked at her and knew it was too late. My mom was 48 and my dad’s best friend and only love since they were 16 years old. I’m an only child and about to turn 30 next month. I feel numb and sad and angry all at once. I haven’t had time to cry because I had to tie up loose ends for finances and beneficiary BS. I have a boyfriend who has been less than supportive and I am starting to think more and more that I should not be apologizing to him for my outbursts. He’s been insincere and says I shouldn’t treat him differently that what I’m going through isn’t an excuse. I have support in friends and family but still feel so alone. I have the shirt my mom hugged me in last. I keep her perfume next to me and I wear her bracelet that she hasn’t taken off in 14 years and it still won’t be enough. I cry at the most random times and I wonder when I will feel ok. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Xohilz,

My most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your dear mother. I know that is so heartbreaking to lose a mother. I miss mine every day. You’re right that it’s so many emotions all at the same time. There is also so much that goes a long with the way that you lost her. I still struggle with not only the loss of my mom, but also how it happened. You have my deepest empathy. I know that this isn’t a consolation, but it takes time to process. Our brains try and protect us by not letting us process everything all at once. I’m sorry that you are not receiving the support and understanding that you desperately need and deserve during this time from your boyfriend. Are there maybe any support groups or therapists that you could go to where you live so that you have a safe, non judgmental space? It was hard for me to find places at first, but once I did, it helped me to feel like I could say all of the things I didn’t feel that I could to some of the people around me that were unable to meet me in the emotional aspect of my grief. I also share raw thoughts on this forum with those who understand and it helps to get it out of my body and mind. My parents were together since my mom was 15 and my dad 17. I stayed with my dad for months so he wouldn’t be alone. I don’t regret it, but I felt like there were certain things that I couldn’t say because I didn’t want to hurt him further and so it delayed some of my grief. Most people would ask how he was coping and not really connect with asking me how I was doing. So many people don’t know what to do with those of us who are grieving. Everyone means well though and I tried my best to keep that in mind during conversations. It’s uncomfortable to see someone hurting, knowing you can’t fix it for them. When I lost my first brother, I had a boyfriend that wasn’t able to understand and would get upset with me being sad, depressed and having lack of motivation. I stayed with him longer than I should have because I was afraid of being alone. But looking back now and also in the experience of the recent loss of my mom, I’ve come to understand that it is my journey and I have to do everything I can to take good care of myself, which is hard enough without having someone add to my grief. Grief is lonely. It sucks (for lack of a better word). I’m not suggesting you break up with him because I’m obviously not familiar with the relationship you two have, but I hope that maybe he will come to be able to empathize and give you what you need. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and wish for the communication and understanding to get better in your relationship. I’ve had outbursts I couldn’t control and have apologized when I’ve needed to. That’s the best we can do sometimes. My dad has outbursts about losing my mom too and I tell him that it’s ok and we’re all doing the best that we can. As long as no one is abusive, than an apology or taking a walk before it gets to that breaking point of yelling is sometimes the best we can do. You have a lot on your plate right now and I hope you can be gentle with yourself. The question of if and when we will feel ok is one of the biggest. I’ve needed to hear that I will be okay so many times. When I ran out of people telling me that I would be okay, I started telling myself I am ok and it is ok to feel everything that I do. The grief doesn’t go away but it does change. Just keep holding on and go minute by minute and eventually hour to hour and then day to day. Don’t put expectations on yourself. Our whole lives have changed and when you have a strong bond with your parent and you lose them, it takes time to regain footing. You will slowly learn how to start coping in different ways and the grief will ebb and flow. In the meantime you have us on the forum and I hope we can bring you comfort.

hugs,

Nicole

[ModKatB]

First I wanted to say I am sorry you have lost your Mom. My mother passed away in 2011 after having what they called a massive heart attack. I was living in Florida and she was in Georgia at the time it happened. I know right now it is hard to think straight and it will take a while before you are able to make sense of it all. Losing someone you love is a journey none of us want to take and I won't try to tell you it will be easy. What I can say is that this forum is a good place to come to because you will find people who understand and they really do get it. Grief has its own path and there is no timetable to any of it and all you can do is just take it moment by moment.