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Does Therapy Help?


Scott A

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I lost my wife of 24 years five weeks ago.  Her passing was sudden and unexpected.  She suffered a stroke and was in a coma and her situation was hopeless within the first 24 hours. She passed a day later.  I'm having a very hard time dealing with some of the things I experienced...feeling of regret and guilt eat at me whenever those images seep to the surface.  I try as best as I can to suppress such feelings, but it seems the only way I can do so is with distractions.  I stay busy and when that doesn't work, I drink. I've never been an emotional person, I'm very reserved, but her passing has me shaken in a way I've never experienced and would never wish upon anyone.  I've never put much stock or thought into therapy, but several friends have suggested it might be something to try.

Have others found therapy helpful?  

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I'm new to this as well, so I'm no expert in this.

People say don't suppress your feelings, however my experience is try as you might there's really not much "suppressing" that can be done. I, too, drink when it gets too much, even though I know it's not a good idea and am aware that it's not a solution. But sometimes when there's no suppressing, and after attempting to distract myself whole day with work or projects, I feel so exhausted and do not want to face those emotions.

I did start going to therapy already. I did not know what therapy does, I still don't have a very clear idea. Most of the time I did not know what I was doing beside crying and talking. But it's some effort of my own that I can control, and since my life is so out of control, in some way it feels nice. I can't say how much it's helpful, but for sure it doesn't do me much harm. Once I discovered something I didn't think of that I have been feeling as well. So I'd say why not try it if you can.

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@Scott A my husband died by suicide six months ago.  Sudden death brings its own unique challenges to grief that going to therapy can at least address.  I was fortunate enough to get in to see an amazing therapist within a week of my husbands passing who specializes in suicide grief.  In my early days of intense pain and foggy head I was certain she would have all the answers to fix my heart and my shattered life.  In some ways she did but it’s more of the therapist helping you to navigate through your feelings of anguish and talking through your guilt, letting you know what is truth and what is distorted blame (toward yourself). 

Therapy has helped me but this is a personal choice.  It’s not for everyone but keep in mind it takes time.  The one thing therapy and everyone here on the forum has taught me is this; do not suppress your grief.  Your feelings need to be acknowledged and felt otherwise you’re causing more harm.  I was a preschool teacher for many years for children with disabilities.  Ive had students with autism.  I understand your struggles to some degree.  I highly encourage you to make time for yourself, to be kind to yourself and recognize your feelings and express them.  It’s the only way... you HAVE to “sit in the wound” and feel all the pain and torment.  There is no other healthy way to get through this.  It is awful and I’m so very sorry you have to go through this.

I also feel this forum is a type of group therapy.  It has been a life saver for me.  I come here when I have nowhere else to go, seeking solace.  The community here is very loving, kind and helpful.  Come here often.  Others here understand when people in your life just don’t “get it”

sending you hugs

 

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8 hours ago, Scott A said:

I lost my wife of 24 years five weeks ago.  Her passing was sudden and unexpected.  She suffered a stroke and was in a coma and her situation was hopeless within the first 24 hours. She passed a day later.  I'm having a very hard time dealing with some of the things I experienced...feeling of regret and guilt eat at me whenever those images seep to the surface.  I try as best as I can to suppress such feelings, but it seems the only way I can do so is with distractions.  I stay busy and when that doesn't work, I drink. I've never been an emotional person, I'm very reserved, but her passing has me shaken in a way I've never experienced and would never wish upon anyone.  I've never put much stock or thought into therapy, but several friends have suggested it might be something to try.

Have others found therapy helpful?  

Scott

Sorry to read what you are going through. My husband ( 60 years of marriage) passed March 18 of Cancer I think about him 24/7  and miss him so much.  The feelings that you are going through are unfortunately normal. You will never forget your wife no matter what you do even if you seek therapy.  Your wife will be in your heart forever. What I can say is though, is going through  therapy is a good idea. They can help you through your pain and help you go through life. You owe it to yourself!.

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5 hours ago, SSC said:

 In some ways she did but it’s more of the therapist helping you to navigate through your feelings of anguish and talking through your guilt, letting you know what is truth and what is distorted blame (toward yourself).

I've often thought of it as them guiding your through the maze of grief.  When George died, I was not only blindsided, I didn't know where to start.  I'd lost a lot of people in my life but this was like no other.  It hit me on every level and affected every aspect of my life!  

It's key to get one that is a good fit for you, if you try one and they don't resonate with you, don't be afraid to try another.  Within three sessions you should know if it's the right one or not.  It can take quite a while to make headway, there's nothing quick or easy about grief, so give it time to work through.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
https://ezinearticles.com/?Youve-Got-the-Power-How-to-Know-If-You-Are-Doing-Your-Grief-Work&id=9047323

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/03/bereavement-doing-work-of-grief.html
 

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foreverhis

Let me be blunt:  Because our society sucks at handling grief and death, and because we don't want to admit it will happen to everyone, we are not taught how to prepare, what to expect, or ways to cope.  This is one reason why so many of us end up floundering around hopeless, despairing, and lost.  I certainly was and still am in many ways. 

Some people in our lives don't know what to say or do, so often they say nothing or do the wrong thing.  Grief makes others uncomfortable, especially having to admit that it exists, that they can't "fix" us, that it will touch all of us, and that it can happen when we least expect it.  I'm really lucky to have a small caring, loving circle of family-friends, the people we love and who we have been together with through happy and tragic.  Two in particular I know will support me always.  I think they know that it's hard for me to express myself some times.  I wish I didn't have such a hard time letting them know how much it means to me and I wish I was better at showing how much I hurt.

I think finding a therapist who specializes in grief and in spouse/partner loss can be very beneficial.  It will depend on the therapist, of course, but also on whether someone is ready to open up in such an intimate way.  It might not hurt to try.  Your local hospitals and hospice organizations may have recommendations and referrals.  IMO, you will need to be willing to walk away from a therapist who isn't the right one for you.  Not saying the therapist would be "bad," just that you may need to take some time to find one who is the right fit for your personality, experience, and needs.  And you may decide that you're not ready, that you need to stop for a while, and then try again further down the road.

I came here the first time because I was looking for ways to cope.  That I also found complete validation for how I feel and behave turned out to be enormously helpful and therapeutic.  I may or may not find a professional therapist or in person support group down the road.  I'm not much of a "group therapy" person.  I tried one related to my long-term health issues and found it completely unhelpful.   Now, maybe it was just that group of people or maybe it's my personality, so I'm willing to consider grief counseling at some point. 

One person who was very helpful to me in person before and immediately after my love died was the hospital administrator who lost her husband and soulmate 10 years earlier at about my age.  It's a small hospital, so the administrators come through the wards every day to talk to patients and their families.  As is, that is was, very typical, she took a shine to my husband.  He was a natural charmer, even when he was so ill.  He had this way of making women feel appreciated without creeping them out.  He honestly simply liked women as people and had many female friends his entire life.  She was there for both of us over those months he was in and out of the hospital.  His last day, when we knew he wasn't going to come home for hospice, she was both a rock and a soft shoulder.  Sharing, venting, questioning, and crying to and with others who are going through this is the right (non professional) "therapy" for me right now.

The members here, the peer-to-peer and person-to-person support give me what I need, while allowing me to participate as much or as little as I'm able at any given time.  There have been times I've simply read what others are talking about.  There are times such as lately where I come and talk often.  We can relate to how this has shattered each others lives and set us on a painful journey we don't want and didn't ask for.  There's something comforting about knowing we're not alone in the dark.

I urge you to start here talking to people who really do understand.  Many people have found professional therapy to be quite literally life saving.  The only way for you to know if it's right for you will be to try it when you feel ready and to not give up if it doesn't help immediately.  I don't believe anything helps except time and understanding, which can be from professionals, other grieving spouses, friends and family, or a combination.  Even then, it's not that we "get over" or "move on" or "find a new normal."  What we do is learn ways to live with our grief as a permanent part of us.

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here with us, but I hope you find help and comfort over time.

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My boys think it would benefit me to see a therapist, but I'm not sure.  I don't know if I want to spill out my feelings to a complete stranger, but I also know I don't want to burden my friends and family so I come to this board, I talk to myself (a lot).  I can't turn my brain off, Dave is continually in my thoughts and while I have wonderful memories, the truth is, that I want him back, not sick (Alzheimer's) but the old Dave who was my everything.  Neither of us were perfect, but we loved each other so much and together since I was 16 and him 17, married just short of 48 years, so now at almost 70, I can't see what my future looks like or I guess I don't like what I see.  I am blessed with family and friends, but just so sad.

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Thank you all for the kind words, thoughts, advice and for sharing your own grief.  It helps to know others understand what I'm feeling and the fact that I've become an emotional wreck is not unique.  I'm now feeling like it's worth exploring therapy, just to see how it goes.  I know what I'm doing now isn't healthy.  At times I feel ok, but other times, alone with my thoughts, I struggle...and that worries me.  I appreciate the advice to find the right fit...that's not something I had considered.  Thank you all so much.  

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foreverhis
On 5/3/2019 at 1:31 PM, SBA said:

I also know I don't want to burden my friends and family so I come to this board, I talk to myself (a lot).

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  And I've decided to make some changes in how I relate to my family and friends.  Like you, I haven't wanted to burden them.  They've got their own busy lives, plus I'm a stark reminder that this can happen to anyone.  As well, they don't always know what to say or do.  They are grieving for and miss my husband,  but know that it is entirely different.  They've lost a piece of their lives, an important piece certainly, but a piece.  I have lost my everything, my soulmate and best friend, and the one person I could always count on to comfort and support me.  What do you do when the person you need is the person you've lost?

After the first little while, everyone went back to their lives and I've begun to feel like an afterthought, an outsider, though that is certainly not their fault.  It's partly due to my own perception of who I am without my husband, that is only half of myself.  I've been an "and" for 35 years, so not even my closest people are certain of how to help and relate to me sometimes.  The man who shares my history and was my future is no longer here and I am "first with no one" (quote from an article I read).  That's a really painful place to be.  I have to try hard to remember that it is through no fault of my husband's, mine, or the people who care about us.

So now we come to the change I'm planning to make.  Everyone thinks I'm doing much better than I am, and part of the reason is that I've let them see only the "strong" parts.  I leave out the worst, the sobbing sessions, the confusion, the guilt and self-doubt, the images I can't shake, the painful decisions that still haunt me, the brain fog, the anger at the situation (not at my love; he did nothing wrong), the days I feel stuck in quicksand unable to move in any direction.  Well, that stops now. 

While I don't intend to be a quivering mass of self-pity, I am also not going to always "put on a brave face" and act as if everything is normal.  There is no such thing for me and will be no "new normal" (hate that term). There will only be figuring out ways to live with this reality and without my love by my side.  If I'm having a bad time, I'm going to say so.  If I'm scared, I'm going to ask for someone to figuratively (and sometimes literally) hold my hand.  Some of us have been through life's ups and downs together for decades.  My husband and I tried to be there for them, so I'm going to tell them I need them to be present for me.  The thing is that my husband could read my thoughts (in a really scary way sometimes--whole sentences plucked from my brain and answered before I even spoke them), but no one else can.  How can anyone tell what I need if I don't say it?  So even if they don't know what to say or do, even if they wish they could "fix" it, even if it makes them uncomfortable sometimes, I'm going to let the people I love know I need their support, though I may not always be able to say exactly what I mean by that.

So here's a question for you and all of us:  These are the people who love us, who we love and support and help.  Why on earth shouldn't we ask them to carry some of our burden right now?  We would do the same for them without hesitation.  If we had a heavy package and needed help carrying it, we'd ask for help.  In the long run, this isn't really different.  In not wanting to be a burden to others, we weigh ourselves down, stumbling deeper into the dark.  What else do we have in this life if we don't have each other through not just the wonderful times, but the also hardest?  I am only positive about a small group, but I think that's all I need.  My husband and I had already lost many "friends" a long while back when over a few years we both developed non-life threatening medical conditions.  We're kind of used to it by now.  I've lost a few acquaintances who said they'd be here, but who have vanished.  But that small group, my real family by both birth and choice, those are the people I need to be more honest with now.

And speaking of that, in about 2 hours,  my sister-by-choice and brother-by-choice (aka our best friends for 30 years who are constantly mistaken for my actual sister and my love's actual brother) will be here for a long weekend.  I will probably not be on the forum until next week some time, so I wish all of us as many moments of peace and comfort as we can find.  And please do think about what I wrote just now.  It took me 6 months to realize that it's not wrong to ask the people who love us to help carry some of the weight of our grief for a while.

Hugs to everyone.

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No it's not wrong to ask for help.  I just hope your friends are truer and the people in your life more caring that what I had in my life when George died.  They were not there for me.  My sisters cared but they live all over the state and they hadn't a clue what I was going through, still don't.  How could they?  Their husbands still live.

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I am so sorry about your wife. I lost my fiancé in November. It was unexpected. I was devastated. I had to put my grief on hold for a few weeks because his family wanted me out of the house. I had to find a place to live, pack (somewhat), plus I went back to work 2 days after his funeral. I moved out of his house exactly one month after he passed away.

Here’s what I learned from suppressing my grief... I got really sick, I couldn’t make through the work day without breaking down. I had bouts of rage that I took out on people who didn’t deserve it. I was a mess.

 I started therapy in January and it’s helping me. I had to learn to allow myself to be with grief. When the waves would come I would put them aside and distract myself with other things. A day or 2 later I would arrive at work and sob in the parking lot and have to excuse myself during the day to sob again during the day. Once I started to allow the waves to crash over me and to be with my grief I  stopped sobbing in the parking lot and managed to get through a work day without sobbing.

 I see a therapist once a month so I can process my feelings. It’s not easy. I was going weekly but  a week wasn’t enough time for me to deal with my feelings.

 I just had my appointment this week and it really helped. I wasn’t sleeping and couldn’t focus. I went into her office and told her I needed to talk about him and it was like I “emotionally vomiting “ out all everything I was feeling. That night when I went to bed I fell right to sleep and I have felt “lighter “ and more relaxed. 

Therapy may not be for everyone but so far it seems to be working for me. That hour I can take off my armor and be myself and say whatever I want. She listens and gives me some perspective and reminds me that everything I’m feeling is normal and part of the grieving process.

 

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I too, thought of therapy but being that I worked for Mental Health, didn't go as I didn't want to chance that Id get someone I knew thru work.  But, Ive had a great support system and spent many hours talking on phone to sister, friends. Two of them have husbands that are not well, so they are very afraid this could be them, so therefore are very understanding and really listen and let me get my feelings out.  This forum also has helped so much as I know others here " get it" and are very caring, even in their own grief. Sending thoughts and love to all. Jeanne

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Moment2moment

I did therapy with a grief counselor from hospice of 10 months, up until a few weeks ago. I went every few weeks.

It helped me, especially the first 7 months because largely I was in a state of shock and having panic attacks and ptsd flashbacks of her dying in hospice.

I got to where I could leave the house and eventually get a part time job. I mostly vented during that time and she helped me see that I was not going crazy during times when I could not understand my emotions.

After about 7 months the lid came off of my emotional kettle, so to speak, and I entered a darker phase of grief, i.e. the "dark pit". I fought my way out if that abyss by distraction and busyness. Or so I thought.

By this time the few friends and family I had were not appropriate or available or interested in hearing any more about my black moods and suicidal flights of fancy.

My counselor was the only person I could take to and before it was all over I transferred my desperate need for intimacy and support and affection onto her and this "transference" got me kicked out of counseling.

She could not handle it and I was confused about how it happened but it did. So no hard feelings but I was left without a counselor, which I had become dependent on, and so I face my first anniversary alone tomorrow. No one to talk to but God and you guys here.

I will find another grief counselor end of year when I get Medicare. I will be mindfull of "transference", which happens a lot in therapy.

I still have a lot of issues that I need to work through in my loss. I am no longer doing counseling myself. I have gone back to delivering flowers and food as a job that gets me out among people and I can bring my dog along, which she and I love.

I learned more than I ever thought I would by going to grief counseling.

About myself, my wife, our relationship, my capacity to love again, and my deep woundedness in the wake of her death.

I have been suicidal more than once. I still fear that I could lose control of my impulse to stop myself. My dogs keep me here and I talk to God all day long.

I am thinking about writing a book about what I have been through but I am scared on the one hand of getting in touch with the deep scars. Or it might be cathartic. I don't know.

I do know that I need to get back into counseling as soon as I can.

If you try it stick with it awhile. It is a "process", not a cure. By all means make sure you are comfortable with the counselor.

I had 2 before I found the one that helped me. Losing her set me way back in my grief. I miss talking with her so much. It is like a second death of an intimate soul to me. I am a mess most if the time now.

Yes, I highly recommend counseling and individual works for me. You guys are my group therapy.

Love

Lily Bell

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It seems that everyone is going through the unfortunate normal thought of processing a  death of a loved one. Grief..Guilt..Anger..etc until you come to Acceptance . Everyone is different in how they go through their grief. I myself are going through Grief & Guilt right now. After 60 years of marriage and knowing my husband since I was 14. I now live with my Daughter & Sil I don't know what I would do without them. They are a blessing to me.  I highly recommend counseling for those that have not reached Acceptance yet! Time is a healer and I really pray that all of us can read that time, My thoughts and prayers to everyone.  

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Thank you.  I can't decide if its grief or despair or just mental anguish that hurts the most.  All I know is the distractions work for a short time, then the reality sets back in and I ask myself what's the point of any of this?

One of the few things that keeps me going is you all.  I've been mostly reading for a couple weeks, actually jumping in helps.  Thank you. 

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Moment2moment

For me it is despair that hurts the most.

Horrible sad things that happened and nothing will ever change that. Nothing can be undone. She will never be back. Never. No do overs.

The history of our life is over and I am the keeper of her and our memories together. That is all that is left-memories.

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17 minutes ago, Moment2moment said:

For me it is despair that hurts the most.

Horrible sad things that happened and nothing will ever change that. Nothing can be undone. She will never be back. Never. No do overs.

The history of our life is over and I am the keeper of her and our memories together. That is all that is left-memories.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, your struggles and your experience with therapy.  I hope you find comfort in keeping her memory alive.  Keeping my wife's memory alive is one of the few things that provides me a bit of comfort.

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@Scott A Today I went to therapy and after the session I thought of you. Last week the session was not productive at all, maybe because it was my birthday and all I wanted was to die. Today's session was however quite helpful, I thought about you and maybe it'd be helpful for you to consider whether therapy is what you need.

I don't think I have to describe my feelings and emotions, probably everyone here are familiar with them too. But the therapist that I went to made me think of some questions that I did not think of, and through working in my brain to answer those I feel a bit of relieve.

Today she asked me why is it so important for me that other close ones of my man to be in grief, and what does them being in grief mean to me. It occurs to me that for me grief is really a changed form of love, an expression of this love that had turn into another form since the death happened. Seeing people that he cared about not in grief, makes me feel sad and angry that maybe they didn't love him. She also asked me how do I think a best friend of his is grieving, even I never thought of that but in fact I know how is his best friend interpreting his grief towards my man. She then asked me to compare to how I am grieving, then I realized that I can have many more ways to express my grief - there are still many things I can do and that I want to do to be in grief, instead of only be devastated.

This is just a personal case of myself, and for me it is very intimate and personal. But I don't know, because I thought of you, and I thought maybe sharing this intimate case with you, that maybe it can give you an idea what can work or not work for you - therapy wise. We can be very different, maybe these trains of thoughts that my therapist worked with me do not apply to you. Well, you know what I mean - we can only distract ourselves so much, and there is only so much alcohol we can drink but we can't drink away our reality but only a short escape.

By the way, sometimes I have so much illogical fear that I would forget about him or lose memories of him. Sometimes I catch myself when I'm about to do something normal like eating that keeps me alive, I'd think if I do something normal like this I would risk forgetting him. I am still so afraid I will lose memories of him! Now whenever I remember some random memories between us, I write it down. I will keep on exploring what else I can do to keep the memories, that's very important for me too.

Please take care!

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foreverhis
On 5/4/2019 at 9:48 AM, KayC said:

I just hope your friends are truer and the people in your life more caring that what I had in my life when George died.  They were not there for me. 

Some are true and caring, and some have disappeared.  It's a very small group I can count on, but they've proven time and again that they will be here for me and for my husband's memory, as we have been and I will be for them.  The people who've disappeared mean nothing to me now, though it was painful at first. 

And I am developing a small set of new friends on our block.  That bunch of neighbors I've mentioned, all in our age group with similar backgrounds, interests, and priorities.  They've all realized that we only have the people in our lives to count on and that by being largely insular (aside from the usual "Hi, how are you?" and occasional chats), we're wasting the time we do have.  My husband's illness and death brought out a lot of "I don't want to be reminded this could and likely will happen to me" and "I don't know what to say, so I'll act like nothing has happened" at first.  Now?  There's better understanding among us that life is precious and fragile, and that none of us are young now.  I'm on the younger side at 60; we range in age from 60 to 72.  We've had difficulties, tragedies, and/or losses of one kind or another.  Mine happens to be the worst, most jarring one (and always will be for me).  But we're trying to bring a little spark of happiness and a bit of light to each other rather than spinning on in our lonely orbits.  It's a gift I will never take lightly, just as I will never take the love of my friends-family for granted.  One thing I hope is that both my old and new friends will like each other.  That would be the best gift of all.  (So far, so good; our best friends were here this weekend and we invited over a few of my new friends for a little cocktail and snack gathering.  Everyone seemed to have a really nice time.)

I do know I'm lucky to have what I have.

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For me it is despair that hurts the most.
Horrible sad things that happened and nothing will ever change that. Nothing can be undone. She will never be back. Never. No do overs.
The history of our life is over and I am the keeper of her and our memories together. That is all that is left-memories.
My words and feelings exactly.

Linda

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Scott

i have suffered a similar  sudden loss 5 months ago. All the feelings you describe I have experienced and am still having. I started seeing a counselor after 2 months. I needed some time just to get over the shock. In my experience the counselor is there to let you know all your feelings are normal and you are not going crazy. They will undoubtedly tell not to try and hide your feelings. You have to  go through and face those feelings so you can learn to deal with them. They are there so you can vent to them and express your feelings. They do not offer a cure nor do they have a magic wand to make you better. I started drinking more myself but tried to keep it at dinner time and not during the day. I'm sure you know drinking can become a problem. From everything I've read and what I have been going through so far  you eventually learn to live with your loss not get over it. There are many up and down moments. This forum lets you realize that others with losses have gone through and are going through the same feelings. What can appear discouraging is when you see a person posting with over a year in grief sound like they have made no progress but it is most likely they are posting when they are experiencing flashback of depression that last less and less over time. I know that from my own situation after 5 months. You are even able to come out of the panic attacks quicker.  It is a terrible road we are on and as you said I would not.wish this on anyone. I have two friends one male one female both had sudden losses. Seeing how they have learned to go on gives me hope that I will be able to get there too. I am writing this while I am not feeling too bad as I just returned from some volunteer work I stated. Remember what I said about reading the posts and hang in there we have no other choice but to go on.

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2 hours ago, Mildman said:

Scott

i have suffered a similar  sudden loss 5 months ago. All the feelings you describe I have experienced and am still having. I started seeing a counselor after 2 months. I needed some time just to get over the shock. In my experience the counselor is there to let you know all your feelings are normal and you are not going crazy. They will undoubtedly tell not to try and hide your feelings. You have to  go through and face those feelings so you can learn to deal with them. They are there so you can vent to them and express your feelings. They do not offer a cure nor do they have a magic wand to make you better. I started drinking more myself but tried to keep it at dinner time and not during the day. I'm sure you know drinking can become a problem. From everything I've read and what I have been going through so far  you eventually learn to live with your loss not get over it. There are many up and down moments. This forum lets you realize that others with losses have gone through and are going through the same feelings. What can appear discouraging is when you see a person posting with over a year in grief sound like they have made no progress but it is most likely they are posting when they are experiencing flashback of depression that last less and less over time. I know that from my own situation after 5 months. You are even able to come out of the panic attacks quicker.  It is a terrible road we are on and as you said I would not.wish this on anyone. I have two friends one male one female both had sudden losses. Seeing how they have learned to go on gives me hope that I will be able to get there too. I am writing this while I am not feeling too bad as I just returned from some volunteer work I stated. Remember what I said about reading the posts and hang in there we have no other choice but to go on.

Thank you for the words of encouragement.  I feel as much despair today as I felt day one.  I hope maybe someday I'll start to feel normal again.  

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15 hours ago, chincube said:

@Scott A Today I went to therapy and after the session I thought of you. Last week the session was not productive at all, maybe because it was my birthday and all I wanted was to die. Today's session was however quite helpful, I thought about you and maybe it'd be helpful for you to consider whether therapy is what you need.

I don't think I have to describe my feelings and emotions, probably everyone here are familiar with them too. But the therapist that I went to made me think of some questions that I did not think of, and through working in my brain to answer those I feel a bit of relieve.

Today she asked me why is it so important for me that other close ones of my man to be in grief, and what does them being in grief mean to me. It occurs to me that for me grief is really a changed form of love, an expression of this love that had turn into another form since the death happened. Seeing people that he cared about not in grief, makes me feel sad and angry that maybe they didn't love him. She also asked me how do I think a best friend of his is grieving, even I never thought of that but in fact I know how is his best friend interpreting his grief towards my man. She then asked me to compare to how I am grieving, then I realized that I can have many more ways to express my grief - there are still many things I can do and that I want to do to be in grief, instead of only be devastated.

This is just a personal case of myself, and for me it is very intimate and personal. But I don't know, because I thought of you, and I thought maybe sharing this intimate case with you, that maybe it can give you an idea what can work or not work for you - therapy wise. We can be very different, maybe these trains of thoughts that my therapist worked with me do not apply to you. Well, you know what I mean - we can only distract ourselves so much, and there is only so much alcohol we can drink but we can't drink away our reality but only a short escape.

By the way, sometimes I have so much illogical fear that I would forget about him or lose memories of him. Sometimes I catch myself when I'm about to do something normal like eating that keeps me alive, I'd think if I do something normal like this I would risk forgetting him. I am still so afraid I will lose memories of him! Now whenever I remember some random memories between us, I write it down. I will keep on exploring what else I can do to keep the memories, that's very important for me too.

Please take care!

Thank for for reaching out and for sharing your thoughts, feelings and what you're going through.  Your words are encouraging, that despite ups and downs you still find therapy helpful.  I guess that's what I'm looking for...hope that something will be of help.  That someone will help me to a better place.

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On 5/5/2019 at 8:48 AM, Moment2moment said:

I did therapy with a grief counselor from hospice of 10 months, up until a few weeks ago. I went every few weeks.

It helped me, especially the first 7 months because largely I was in a state of shock and having panic attacks and ptsd flashbacks of her dying in hospice.

I got to where I could leave the house and eventually get a part time job. I mostly vented during that time and she helped me see that I was not going crazy during times when I could not understand my emotions.

After about 7 months the lid came off of my emotional kettle, so to speak, and I entered a darker phase of grief, i.e. the "dark pit". I fought my way out if that abyss by distraction and busyness. Or so I thought.

By this time the few friends and family I had were not appropriate or available or interested in hearing any more about my black moods and suicidal flights of fancy.

My counselor was the only person I could take to and before it was all over I transferred my desperate need for intimacy and support and affection onto her and this "transference" got me kicked out of counseling.

She could not handle it and I was confused about how it happened but it did. So no hard feelings but I was left without a counselor, which I had become dependent on, and so I face my first anniversary alone tomorrow. No one to talk to but God and you guys here.

I will find another grief counselor end of year when I get Medicare. I will be mindfull of "transference", which happens a lot in therapy.

I still have a lot of issues that I need to work through in my loss. I am no longer doing counseling myself. I have gone back to delivering flowers and food as a job that gets me out among people and I can bring my dog along, which she and I love.

I learned more than I ever thought I would by going to grief counseling.

About myself, my wife, our relationship, my capacity to love again, and my deep woundedness in the wake of her death.

I have been suicidal more than once. I still fear that I could lose control of my impulse to stop myself. My dogs keep me here and I talk to God all day long.

I am thinking about writing a book about what I have been through but I am scared on the one hand of getting in touch with the deep scars. Or it might be cathartic. I don't know.

I do know that I need to get back into counseling as soon as I can.

If you try it stick with it awhile. It is a "process", not a cure. By all means make sure you are comfortable with the counselor.

I had 2 before I found the one that helped me. Losing her set me way back in my grief. I miss talking with her so much. It is like a second death of an intimate soul to me. I am a mess most if the time now.

Yes, I highly recommend counseling and individual works for me. You guys are my group therapy.

Love

Lily Bell

Wow, I relate to so much of what you said!   I too keep going for my dog and I hate to think what life will be when he dies, he's 11 and past the time his breed lives.  I hadn't heard of transference with regards to grief/loss but that makes sense.  It's a good thing to be mindful of, helps just being aware.

I hope you find a good counselor when you search for one.  It's a relief to hit Medicare age but it was a hard learning to me, I got Healthnet Advantage Program and it's an HMO, a learning experience for me as it's very different than the employer plans I had in the past.  I've had it 1 1/2 years and still learning my way through it.

You say everything hit at 7 months, that makes sense too...I've always heard it said that around 6 months is the hardest time, shock wears off, and so does support, of course the timeline will vary with everyone's circumstances but 7 months is in line with that.
 

Have you thought of trying a grief support group?  I've been leading one a couple of years and we have become close, it's the one place where people get it and understand, we can be ourselves with our feelings.  We've also gleaned some friends through this.  And most grief support groups are free!

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19 hours ago, Mildman said:

What can appear discouraging is when you see a person posting with over a year in grief sound like they have made no progress

I want to address that because it'll be 14 years for me come Father's Day.  

Grief has no ending.  No hard timeline fits all.  We vary by our personalities, resilience, support or lack of it, the depth of relationship, everything factors in and affects how we handle grief.  So can how much "grief work" we do...articles, books, counseling, I even did art therapy!

It's important to allow ourselves our feelings and not squelch them.  That said, we still have to function, go to work, pay bills, fix something to eat, etc.  It stands to reason we try to keep our grief at bay while at work, otherwise we'd lose our jobs...but even so, it seeps in at times, especially in the early time and hopefully employer and coworkers understand.  It hits us when we go home, where we shared our space together and now feels absent.  It's hard to sleep, hence a trip to the doctor.  Anxiety can hit full bore, hence another trip to the doctor.  We try different things, meditation, relaxing scents, walking (helps endorphins) to relieve stress and clear our heads.  I used to go out in the woods and scream!  However we get through this, collectively we've probably tried it all.

Yeah alcohol can worsen how we feel as it's a depressant.  You know that, at least you're not imbibing in the daytime.   If I thought I could get away with it I might have turned to drink but I knew better and have a bad liver so avoid it.  The way through this to me is to process our grief, to find some purpose in life, and incorporating getting out and doing something meaningful and be with others some of the time.  It's hard because what came naturally when they were alive, now we have to work at and it's still not the same...never will be.

This doesn't "get better" in a year or some other definitive time.  It's a lifelong journey.  It's not to be scared of though, we can make it through this, we're doing it together, one day at a time.  People (who haven't been through it) think we should be over it by now, no, we're never "over it".  Not one day, not one day!!! goes by but what George isn't on my mind and in my heart.  He's my soul mate, my best friend, my lover, my partner, he's everything and how the hell I've survived all these years without him I do not know.  I didn't think it was possible to survive a week without him, but here I am.  My life lacks the luster it once had with him, but it's doable, I've learned to, gradually.  Doesn't mean I don't have my down times.  When I'm going through a really hard place in life, his presence is keenly lacking.

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On 5/6/2019 at 1:34 AM, chincube said:

Seeing people that he cared about not in grief, makes me feel sad and angry that maybe they didn't love him. She also asked me how do I think a best friend of his is grieving, even I never thought of that but in fact I know how is his best friend interpreting his grief towards my man.

That's a really good question.  I know without doubt that the friends and family closest to my husband are still grieving in their way and will always miss him.  I think part of why they're here for me is for him, to maybe show their love for both of us in the only way they can now.  His male friends, especially our best friend and his young adult son, who thought of my husband as a second dad-uncle-big brother-friend, have been almost desperate to "do" things for me around the house and yard.  Things that my husband would have done or was in the middle of doing.  It's like they're showing me they love me, but they're also working through their grief this way.  Our across the street neighbor, who was casual friends with us and who had much in common with my love, has been the same way.  I said to his wife one time, "Thanks for letting me borrow your husband today."  She told me she's happy he's helping, that she sees that it makes him feel better.  Both of them cook, so I've had some really lovely meals from time to time.  Not just while my love was ill or right after he died, but up to today because that's one thing they can both do to help.

It makes sense that a therapist would ask the questions we might not think of because the depth of our grief makes us focus narrowly while we're surrounded by mental chaos and fog at the same time.  I'd think a good therapist could help us find ways to see through some of the grief fog. 

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@foreverhis It has not been completely this way for me. His family mostly got back to normal within a week, even his best friend who grew up with him together and spent every single day together since a child, he also started behaving as usual laughing and joking around in a bit more than a week. I know it's their cultural thing, but I got angry at them privately and I couldn't really say why.

However, his best friend still keeps on calling me at least every other day - even after I told him he doesn't have responsibility to do so, especially if my crying makes him sad. With the therapist I started to think, maybe this is his way of loving me and expressing his grief - the moment he wakes up, he thinks of his best friend who's not there anymore, so he calls me instead. Even if when he does call he just talk pretty much nonsense stupid jokes, that was the way 3 of us used to interact anyway before my man died.

But I found that seeing other closed ones of his moving forward very quickly, makes my heart break... In a way I think maybe they did not really love him that much... maybe except his best friend.

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It hasn't been that way for me either.  My husband's family was very dysfunctional...only three of his siblings came to his funeral, even his dad didn't bother even though offered a ride.  He was from a family of 11 kids, one preceeded him in death, only one lived too far away to come, his mom had already passed.  None of them ever called me again!  Well his dad did, a year later, badmouthing him!  I wouldn't stand for that, told him to call when he had something positive to say, he never did.  I wasn't notified when he died but learned about it years later.

Friends...they all disappeared and very quickly!  They came to his funeral, then were gone.  I tried calling them, they literally moved, left no forwarding.  Bizarre.  George would have been stunned to see how they all left me on my own.  No offers of help, no meals, no phone calls, nothing.

I am the keeper of George's memory, my family still remembers him with love, I am thankful for that.  He deserved better than he got from his friends.  He always cared about people, was there for them, had a real heart for those down and out.  He'd help the homeless, give people rides, food, etc.  I've never met anyone better.  He had the biggest heart I've ever seen.

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9 hours ago, chincube said:

His family mostly got back to normal within a week, even his best friend who grew up with him together and spent every single day together since a child, he also started behaving as usual laughing and joking around in a bit more than a week.

Of course I don't know their cultural backgrounds, but my experience has been that our society does not handle death and grieving well.  So many people either can't or won't acknowledge that something has profoundly changed that they kind of ignore or gloss over this horrible loss.  One of the things that has bothered me boils down to the notion of "I don't know what to say or do; I'm really uncomfortable with grieving; I'm going to pretend everything is back to normal as soon as possible; I sure hope his/her spouse/partner will move on too."   What they don't or perhaps refuse to see is that there is no "moving on" or "picking up the pieces" or getting "back to normal" for us.  In general, admitting that death exists means admitting that we are all mortal.  That's something many people would rather not confront or be reminded of, so again they just pretend nothing has changed.  It's wrong and hurtful, especially to us.

I think in most cases that it's not a matter of people not loving as much, but simply not being able to deal with the loss.  Plus, this is the worst thing most of us here will ever experience.  No matter how much someone else loved our soulmates, they did not lose what we have.  They can't know what it's like to lose everything.  Perhaps his best friend jokes and acts as if things are normal because he is putting a facade over his grief.  Men especially have trouble dealing with emotions that make them feel weak.  He may also be trying to make you feel better, perk up your spirits, or just let you know that he is still there.  That he is still calling and checking in seems like an overall good thing, but you may need to tell him at some point that it's hurting you to feel as if others simply put your love out of their hearts and minds, and that you're not ready to joke and laugh just yet.

But of course, I don't know his family or friends.  For all I know, that's exactly how they may feel.  I'm inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt at first and assume that they're glossing over their grief because it's uncomfortable, rather than because it doesn't exist.

I wish we could all give you a big hug to help you know you are not alone in feeling this way.  Truly, you are not.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am the keeper of George's memory, my family still remembers him with love, I am thankful for that.  He deserved better than he got from his friends.

It makes my heart hurt for you and George that both of you were treated like that.  You both deserved better, from life and from his friends and family.  You're right that we are the keepers of their memories.  For 35 years, my love and I lived our stories together.  Now it's up to me to make sure those stories, that history is not forgotten.  I often say to my love that he deserved so much better than life handed him.  Life is not fair, but the universe should be just.  I can only hope when it's my time that he is there waiting for me with open arms and open heart to let me know that it is. 

I do get what you mean about dysfunction, though not to that extent.  My husband was estranged from his parents for good reason.  They were not evil or anything, but their relationships tended to be toxic.  They both died before he did, but I suspect that the only contact I would have gotten from them would have been to ask me to give them back certain things or "What's in it for us" kind of behavior.  He was basically estranged from his brother, though his brother did send a nice get well card when my husband was in the hospital.  But I haven't heard one word from him since my love died.  No call, no card, nothing.  We're close to his sister and that relationship is intact.  She nearly died in an accident last winter, so it's been tough keeping in our usual contact, but we're there for each other.

I certainly have days where I feel as if everyone has gotten back to their lives without a thought for me or my husband, but in general we've been luckier than most because the small circle of family and friends we had are still largely here for me as much as they can be.  And I've started my "be more honest" approach with them.  Last weekend I told our best friends that I'm not going be a little puddle of self-pity, but I'm also going to stop putting on "the brave face" all the time.  I said I might even fall apart from time to time and am not going to hide that either.  They said that was good and yesterday, I got this link from them as a reminder intended to comfort and maybe make me smile a little:

https://www.facebook.com/elarroyoaustin/photos/a.219897351427151/2248151021935097/?type=3&theater

(I hope the hyperlink insert worked.  Sorry if it didn't.)

 

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Michelene

My husband (47) went into sudden cardiac arrest and the CPR i administered until the EMTs came did not help. They worked on him for an hour but he did not come back. I am 1 1/2 years into this and I am still wracked by grief and regret. I talked to friends initially, but soon it became clear that I needed someone who could just focus on my ranting--i felt like if I didn't talk to someone I would take my own life. I ended up at a hospice place in our town that does grief counseling--it was with a counselor but she also mentioned that there were groups of people that had lost partners that I could go to as well--I knew I needed to go and get out of my own head. It helped a lot. The individual counselor set me up with some truths that since I got them early on prevented (too) much shock and bitterness later on. She said, 1: Grief rearranges your address book--meaning, people you thought were close will disappear. People you didn't think were that close will step up. THIS WAS SO TRUE and still is.

She also said, "you will idealize your husband, then you will demonize him, then you will regard things with truth and honesty." The whole pendulum swinging to the extremes. 

I also went to another counselor after about 8 months because people said I had PTSD, so I went to a grief counselor who does EMDR. Everything has helped, somewhat. I read a lot of books, like It's Ok You're Not Ok, by Megan Devine. and A Grief Observed, by CS Lewis. and many many others. I also participated in Megan Devine's writing course for grieving people, which helped me connect with other people suffering loss and I am still in  contact with them. 

I think therapy/counseling, talking to others who have lost spouses/partners helps a lot. Just knowing there are other people out there like you, who understand, helped an effing lot. After a while, a couple of weeks, I felt like friends and family were just "grief adjacent" and really couldn't understand what I was experiencing. It help to be with "my own tribe" so to speak, I knew they were my "go-to" folks. I still hold down my job, do stuff, still working through the paperwork, do things with friends, do things on my own, but I'm grateful I have people who understand from experience what I am going through in grief. 

This forum was a life saver early on, and still is. 

But therapy/counseling/grief support was very helpful to me, if only to get me out of my own head. 

Just my two cents. 

I am sorry you are having to be here--it is a "wild ride and a new road," as Emily Dickinson wrote. 

 

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My husband (47) went into sudden cardiac arrest and the CPR i administered until the EMTs came did not help. They worked on him for an hour but he did not come back. I am 1 1/2 years into this and I am still wracked by grief and regret. I talked to friends initially, but soon it became clear that I needed someone who could just focus on my ranting--i felt like if I didn't talk to someone I would take my own life. I ended up at a hospice place in our town that does grief counseling--it was with a counselor but she also mentioned that there were groups of people that had lost partners that I could go to as well--I knew I needed to go and get out of my own head. It helped a lot. The individual counselor set me up with some truths that since I got them early on prevented (too) much shock and bitterness later on. She said, 1: Grief rearranges your address book--meaning, people you thought were close will disappear. People you didn't think were that close will step up. THIS WAS SO TRUE and still is.
She also said, "you will idealize your husband, then you will demonize him, then you will regard things with truth and honesty." The whole pendulum swinging to the extremes. 
I also went to another counselor after about 8 months because people said I had PTSD, so I went to a grief counselor who does EMDR. Everything has helped, somewhat. I read a lot of books, like It's Ok You're Not Ok, by Megan Devine. and A Grief Observed, by CS Lewis. and many many others. I also participated in Megan Devine's writing course for grieving people, which helped me connect with other people suffering loss and I am still in  contact with them. 
I think therapy/counseling, talking to others who have lost spouses/partners helps a lot. Just knowing there are other people out there like you, who understand, helped an effing lot. After a while, a couple of weeks, I felt like friends and family were just "grief adjacent" and really couldn't understand what I was experiencing. It help to be with "my own tribe" so to speak, I knew they were my "go-to" folks. I still hold down my job, do stuff, still working through the paperwork, do things with friends, do things on my own, but I'm grateful I have people who understand from experience what I am going through in grief. 
This forum was a life saver early on, and still is. 
But therapy/counseling/grief support was very helpful to me, if only to get me out of my own head. 
Just my two cents. 
I am sorry you are having to be here--it is a "wild ride and a new road," as Emily Dickinson wrote. 
 
My husband died under the same circumstances, last Nov.

I have a grief therapist and a trauma therapist. I did the EMDR also. Yesterday she did the brain spotting which I think worked better for me.

We did not have a lot of friends, as we spent most of our time together.

There are family on his side that have done nothing, then his nephew has gone out of his way to help.

It is a long process, this grief. I hate that this is my life now. But, I only have one choice, to try and manage my life as best as possible. Some days I am sobbing and other days I make it through.

I am sorry for all our losses. Love, Linda

Linda

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10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Men especially have trouble dealing with emotions that make them feel weak.

I know when George died, my son was in the Air Force and he called one day and said, "Mom, I don't know what's the matter with me!  I wake up crying, I cry at work..."  I said, "Nothing's wrong with you, Paul.  You're grieving.  Hopefully those you work with understand."
So many guys are raised with the idea that men don't cry/show emotion, my son was by his father who was Italian.  The only emotion his dad was comfortable showing was anger.  Fortunately, my son is learning different.

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5 hours ago, Michelene said:

Grief rearranges your address book

It sure does!

I'm glad the EMDR was helpful to you.  Here's some links about it for those who don't know what it is...one of the articles I'd saved, the link no longer works, unfortunately.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html
Also:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
https://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html

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4 hours ago, beaniele said:

I have a grief therapist and a trauma therapist. I did the EMDR also. Yesterday she did the brain spotting which I think worked better for me.

I'm glad you've found good professional help!  
For those who don't know what braqinspotting is:
https://www.lifechangellc.com/new-blog/2018/12/9/emdr-and-brainspotting-similarities-and-differences-in-processing-trauma

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7 hours ago, Michelene said:

My husband (47) went into sudden cardiac arrest and the CPR i administered until the EMTs came did not help. They worked on him for an hour but he did not come back. I am 1 1/2 years into this and I am still wracked by grief and regret. I talked to friends initially, but soon it became clear that I needed someone who could just focus on my ranting--i felt like if I didn't talk to someone I would take my own life. I ended up at a hospice place in our town that does grief counseling--it was with a counselor but she also mentioned that there were groups of people that had lost partners that I could go to as well--I knew I needed to go and get out of my own head. It helped a lot. The individual counselor set me up with some truths that since I got them early on prevented (too) much shock and bitterness later on. She said, 1: Grief rearranges your address book--meaning, people you thought were close will disappear. People you didn't think were that close will step up. THIS WAS SO TRUE and still is.

She also said, "you will idealize your husband, then you will demonize him, then you will regard things with truth and honesty." The whole pendulum swinging to the extremes. 

I also went to another counselor after about 8 months because people said I had PTSD, so I went to a grief counselor who does EMDR. Everything has helped, somewhat. I read a lot of books, like It's Ok You're Not Ok, by Megan Devine. and A Grief Observed, by CS Lewis. and many many others. I also participated in Megan Devine's writing course for grieving people, which helped me connect with other people suffering loss and I am still in  contact with them. 

I think therapy/counseling, talking to others who have lost spouses/partners helps a lot. Just knowing there are other people out there like you, who understand, helped an effing lot. After a while, a couple of weeks, I felt like friends and family were just "grief adjacent" and really couldn't understand what I was experiencing. It help to be with "my own tribe" so to speak, I knew they were my "go-to" folks. I still hold down my job, do stuff, still working through the paperwork, do things with friends, do things on my own, but I'm grateful I have people who understand from experience what I am going through in grief. 

This forum was a life saver early on, and still is. 

But therapy/counseling/grief support was very helpful to me, if only to get me out of my own head. 

Just my two cents. 

I am sorry you are having to be here--it is a "wild ride and a new road," as Emily Dickinson wrote. 

 

Thank you, I know exactly what you mean about grief rearranging my address book. I'm fortunate in that some friends and even casual acquaintances have gone out of their way to help.  My biggest problems are I'm not an open person emotionally and have an extremely difficult time sharing emotions with those who know me.  Thus the outreach for therapy.  I've made a couple calls and maybe will have a session soon.

Honestly, this forum is helping more than anything right now.  Thank you all.

 

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10 hours ago, Scott A said:

Honestly, this forum is helping more than anything right now.  Thank you all.

 

That's how I felt when I went through it, and I was fortunate, the site I was at had a professional grief counselor, I've learned so much from her over the years.  It's hard when we have a loss of this magnitude and we're starting from ground zero, we don't know beans about grief! 

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15 hours ago, Scott A said:

Honestly, this forum is helping more than anything right now.  Thank you all.

Absolutely agree.  I was lost, floundering around and basically alone last fall.  My friends and family had mostly gone back to their normal routines and I didn't want to be "a burden."  I hoped to find ways to cope, but I also found a community of people who welcomed me as "one of us."  That I also found validation for everything I was feeling, thinking, and doing was the biggest help of all.  That I can come here and rant or question or converse on an ongoing basis still helps almost more than anything else.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, five weeks is very little time especially for someone who was so important in your life.

For me therapy definitely helped. Unfortunately I still believe I still feel the same amount of grief and pain but it has only been 6 months now for my boyfriend took his life and I do feel like I've learned to cope a little better from then- the first few months were definitely some of the hardest.

I know what avoiding feelings is like - I enrolled in a full-time course to distract myself and it works until I'm out of routine with semester breaks then I begin to find my emotions harder to deal with and painful memories find their way to the front. These are the times I knew I needed to contact my therapist and honestly it definitely helped me, following these sessions I'd be able to sleep without an hour cry without that severe tension in my chest.

Therapy gave me a place to really share my feelings or sometimes just to talk about him to share stories, It was strangely nice going there having someone know and understand of all the loses you have had and encouraging you to heal.There were some things that maybe I wanted to keep a bit more private from my family and friends which caused me upset or I wanted to hide away how hurt I was at times because I didn't want to bring my family down and having a place to go to week by week to sometimes just have an hour long cry, I believe really did help me. I may have gotten lucky getting a therapist who was very understanding and really lovely. And honestly, in my own way I'm not a very trusting person, it takes me a while to open up but after a few sessions I realized this was someone I could trust and someone that genuinely wanted to help make me feel better. The unfortunate truth I was reminded of was often was there is no quick fix and you just have to keep grieving I do have to go through all the emotions which again are unique in every case.  I don't know if therapy would be helpful for everyone and the first sessions are the most painful having to live through everything that happened during that time and retelling the story is so hard and draining but knowing there's someone you can say anything to that's burdening your mind really helped me.

It's good for even discussing maybe things you consider silly but it helps you. Like for me every night I go to sleep I find the teddy he got me and say a good night to him which I found odd but really nice that my therapist encouraged this because it was something that helped me sleep a little better at night.

That's just my own experience though and again I think I was very lucky with my therapist - I have heard of others where it took a few goes to find someone that suited them that they felt comfortable with. Everyone heals differently and I hope you manage to find a way or some ways to help you along the healing process.

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Colleen, 

I'm glad you got therapy, suicide especially can be hard w/o it.  They say at about six months is the hardest because shock wears off and often support dries up as other people go on with our lives...but for us, the grief and pain continues, for us...we never forget.  It doesn't stay in this intensity though, we get better at adjusting and coping, ever so gradual as to not notice it, but one day we look back to day one and realize our pain has lessened somewhat from where we were.

I'm so glad you got a therapist you can trust!  Your description is very helpful for those considering it so they can know what to perhaps expect.

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Jeff In Denver

It must help some people or the grief counselors and therapists would go out of business.  In my opinion - and I am not presenting this as anything beyond that, it can't help much in many cases.  When you lose the most important person in your life, nothing helps.   Okay, it might make you feel a little better to talk about it during sessions, but for me that quickly evaporated once I was home and the session wore off.

The only thing that would make things right would be for the only thing we want:  The return of the person who is not here physically.

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On 5/9/2019 at 7:52 PM, ColIeen said:

.There were some things that maybe I wanted to keep a bit more private from my family and friends which caused me upset or I wanted to hide away how hurt I was at times because I didn't want to bring my family down and having a place to go to week by week to sometimes just have an hour long cry, I believe really did help me.

I think that's what I'm looking for more than anything else...someone I can share things with I don't feel comfortable talking with or burdening family and friends with.

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  On 5/9/2019 at 10:52 PM, ColIeen said:

I think that's what I'm looking for more than anything else...someone I can share things with I don't feel comfortable talking with or burdening family and friends with.

 

I guess that is my answer right there.  I need someone to talk to that I can tell about the guilt I feel, the loneliness and everything else that I don't want to tell my family and close friends, including how horrendous his last days were.  Thank you  

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I had my first therapy session yesterday.  It was ok.  I can't say I feel much better, but she did point out a couple things that helped with the guilt I was feeling so I consider that a positive.  I'll go again end of next week.  I'm willing to give it a few sessions and see how I feel.  If nothing else, it was nice to get off my chest a few things I didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else.  I know there's no magic fix, nothing anyone can say or do that will make me miss my wife any less, but at least I had a chance to share and that's a good thing.

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3 hours ago, Scott A said:

I had my first therapy session yesterday.  It was ok.  I can't say I feel much better, but she did point out a couple things that helped with the guilt I was feeling so I consider that a positive.  I'll go again end of next week.  I'm willing to give it a few sessions and see how I feel.  If nothing else, it was nice to get off my chest a few things I didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else.  I know there's no magic fix, nothing anyone can say or do that will make me miss my wife any less, but at least I had a chance to share and that's a good thing.

Therapy doesn't directly make me feel better too, in a way I knew it, that the one thing that will make me feel better is impossible. But sometimes when my thoughts are all tangled up like a furious ball of string, at least therapy can help detangle a bit, hopefully to the state that I can make out which string is which. 

But sometimes therapy does nothing for me too. Like the previous couple of days I felt so horrible and couldn't remember a thing I did during the week, that I didn't even know what to say in therapy, I guess my therapist was frustrated too. 

So yeah, I think you're wise to try few times and see how you feel. 

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Jeff In Denver

I admire grief therapists.  That has to be one very difficult job.

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Sunflower2

@Scott A My thoughts are with you. This will be the most challenging life event you may ever experience.  Losing someone is challenging.  In both sudden loss and anticipate death there is pain.  "The grief may not be greater in a sudden death but our capacity to cope is diminished.  The loss is sudden!  We are shocked and stunned by the sudden loss.  You had no preparation and no time to gradually absorb the reality that your world was about to change dramatically."  You experienced a sudden destruction. A sudden shattering of all you once knew. There were no gradual transitions.  Your partner was taken away without warning. In many ways our sense of our world, our life was assaulted. This is traumatic. These issues are present for those who have experienced an anticipated death.  The difference is that they had a valuable period of anticipation to say goodbye, to make amends and /or  to say I love you. You did not.

You will find your way through this darkness.  

In addressing your concern about therapy:

Each individual has to decide what supports them the best on this journey.  I have found therapy very helpful in working with the trauma of the sudden loss. 

Acupuncture also has worked well in helping me with the trauma, fear and anxiety.  An  acupuncturist  that is HIGHLY skilled in working on emotions.  

 I've shared what is helping my healing. It will be 2 years in September.  I started therapy immediately.  My therapist is not categorized as a grief therapist.  She's experienced on many levels. We simply need to be aware of our own needs and what we have access to and our willingness to access a variety of resources.   I did not do everything all at once. I keep myself surrounded by uplifting people.  I now call them my "soul clusters."   I'm becoming comfortable being alone.  That does not mean I do not dearly miss my partner. This does not mean I do not have those all too familiar deep dark despair hopeless moments.  My partner is with me. His energy. His love. 

Your loss is so raw.  So fresh.   You will feel lightness.  You will feel joy.  You will feel hope. Differently but you will feel that lightness again. Kindness and good energy will continue to come to you.  Be open to receive.

I send you comfort and love!

~Sunflower2 

 

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Sunflower2
On ‎5‎/‎9‎/‎2019 at 10:52 PM, ColIeen said:

 

Therapy gave me a place to really share my feelings

 I refer to that space as my "grief sanctuary."

Therapy is a process. A layering.  Therapy isn't all about feeling good.  Therapy can be painful and uncomfortable.  I usually don't plan anything after a session as I'm too exhausted. We each do what we need to do.  I am a strong supporter of therapy.  It doesn't work for everyone though. 

Sharing thoughts of comfort.

~Sunflower

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Thank you all for the kind words, thoughts, advice and for sharing your own grief.  It helps to know others understand what I'm feeling and the fact that I've become an emotional wreck is not unique.  I'm now feeling like it's worth exploring therapy, just to see how it goes.  I know what I'm doing now isn't healthy.  At times I feel ok, but other times, alone with my thoughts, I struggle...and that worries me.  I appreciate the advice to find the right fit...that's not something I had considered.  Thank you all so much.  
[/quote

Hi

I lost my husband unexpectedly 6 months ago, it get’s a little easier with time. I can see the difference in me.
Have you thought about group therapy?
It is a tremendous help to be around people who go through the same as you.

Joanna



Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com
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