Loss my husband unexpectedly

[SCSS093]

I’m new to this but I lost my husband unexpectedly on March 13,2019 he got sick all of sudden we thought it was the flu because it was during flu season and everyone was sick so we went to the clinic and he got medication but taking it after a week he wasn’t getting any better he was getting weaker and weaker so he got admitted to the hospital and doctors said it was hopeful he was going to get better with what they found and he will be feeling better within a week or so, so we were both hopeful but he had to have surgery and after that he wasn’t getting better and died 2 days later from cardiac arrest it’s just such a complete shock and I have never gone through something like this but it just doesn’t seem real he’s gone because he’s always been a healthy guy. I feel like I’m in a dream and will wake up and he will be here

 

 

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[Scott A]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  You are not alone, I recently lost my wife suddenly and unexpectedly.  It's been five weeks and like you, I'm still in a dream state, disengaged, thinking of her constantly.  

[SCSS093]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  You are not alone, I recently lost my wife suddenly and unexpectedly.  It's been five weeks and like you, I'm still in a dream state, disengaged, thinking of her constantly.  

Thank you and I think about him so much everyday as if he’s going to text me and tell me he’s on the way home from work. It’s just we did everything together and were with each other everyday our whole relationship and marriage so it’s just so wierd to me not seeing him everyday now


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[Scott A]

I know how you feel.  My wife was my best friend, my partner.  I spent the majority of my life with her. Having her gone in an instant is shocking, depressing and draining emotionally.

I'm reading a book titled "A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis.  It was a gift from a dear friend.  Lewis likens the loss of a spouse to the loss of a limb in that the survivor goes on, the pain is lessened, but forever more the survivor will wake each morning, spend all day and go to bed each night reminded that they are not whole.  That a part of them is missing, that there is still pain, that life is different and will never be what it was.  I'm slowly learning to accept that.  

[SCSS093]

I know how you feel.  My wife was my best friend, my partner.  I spent the majority of my life with her. Having her gone in an instant is shocking, depressing and draining emotionally.
I'm reading a book titled "A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis.  It was a gift from a dear friend.  Lewis likens the loss of a spouse to the loss of a limb in that the survivor goes on, the pain is lessened, but forever more the survivor will wake each morning, spend all day and go to bed each night reminded that they are not whole.  That a part of them is missing, that there is still pain, that life is different and will never be what it was.  I'm slowly learning to accept that.  

Your right it was definately instant we both were not expecting him to go like that. I know it’s happened and he’s gone but it doesn’t feel like it or I just don’t want it to be true. I have been emotionally tired a lot these days I know it’s going to happen guess this all new to me and I’m still processing he’s gone.
I’ve never heard of that book before are you finished with it?


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[KayC]

@SCSS093

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband and I met in our mid 40s and 6 1/2 years later he died of a heart attack, we hadn't known he had heart problems until that weekend.  To make matters worse, I was gone when he went to the hospital, we were always together except one weekend a year when I went to my sisters' reunion, wouldn't you know it'd be then.  I got to the hospital before he died but people always there I never got that "last talk" with him, it was very sudden.  I was pretty much in shock in that early time.

Finding a grief forum such as this really saved me.  It helped so much to talk to others who understood.

I wrote this article at about ten years out and I hope something in it will be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Scott A]

Yes, I'm finished, it's a short book and a quick read.  Lewis, the writer, kept a journal following the death of his wife.  He never intended the journal to be published, it was years later his son thought it would be helpful for others experiencing the loss of a spouse.  I found it helpful in that it validates much of what I'm feeling is not uncommon.  

[SCSS093]

Yes, I'm finished, it's a short book and a quick read.  Lewis, the writer, kept a journal following the death of his wife.  He never intended the journal to be published, it was years later his son thought it would be helpful for others experiencing the loss of a spouse.  I found it helpful in that it validates much of what I'm feeling is not uncommon.  

Thank you!


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[KayC]

It is one of my favorite books, I knew C.S. Lewis books long before this one was published, and had respect for his authenticity.  It does help to know we're not alone in how we feel.

[DHG]

SCSS093, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I just found this grieving.com site, too.  It has been a great help.  So comforting to read posts from others expressing the same things I'm feeling, too.  My husband died suddenly on April 9th from a heart attack.  Our life was normal one day and he was gone the next.  The shock was unreal!  I also have those feelings that this is all surreal, a bad dream that I will wake up from and my life will be back to normal again with him in it.  It's been about a month for me now and some of the initial shock is wearing off a bit, but I still am in a fog, just trying to take care of business and acclimate to this new reality.  It's very, very hard.  I'm hoping with time things will get better and I can find my new normal...albeit a sadder one.

[SCSS093]

SCSS093, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I just found this grieving.com site, too.  It has been a great help.  So comforting to read posts from others expressing the same things I'm feeling, too.  My husband died suddenly on April 9th from a heart attack.  Our life was normal one day and he was gone the next.  The shock was unreal!  I also have those feelings that this is all surreal, a bad dream that I will wake up from and my life will be back to normal again with him in it.  It's been about a month for me now and some of the initial shock is wearing off a bit, but I still am in a fog, just trying to take care of business and acclimate to this new reality.  It's very, very hard.  I'm hoping with time things will get better and I can find my new normal...albeit a sadder one.

I completely understand as my life with my husband was great and happy and normal one day than boom he’s gone he’s always been healthy never been sick for as long as we have been together than he gets really sick which we thought was the flu and than unexpectedly he dies from a fungal infection we had no idea about and goes into cardiac arrest which just is so horrible and tragic it makes me so numb everyday trying to come to terms how he’s really gone and not here with me anymore. I too feel like this is all a dream and I’ll wake up again with him next to me but so far I’m just trying to handle business and take it one day at a time


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[DHG]

My husband and I had a happy marriage, too.  I felt so lucky to have a good marriage!  He was such a good and kind man.  It's very hard now not having him as the backbone to my life.  I sure hope time helps....

[SCSS093]

My husband and I had a happy marriage, too.  I felt so lucky to have a good marriage!  He was such a good and kind man.  It's very hard now not having him as the backbone to my life.  I sure hope time helps....

That’s how I feel everyday too as well I was so blessed and happy when I met my husband I’ve never felt so happy and peace and at home in my life since being with him so it’s just so much harder accepting that he’s not here. My husband was so kind and generous and very patient considerate man and you don’t find a lot of those these days but I am so blessed and grateful I was able to experience that unconditional love gosh I miss him so much and idk I wonder that too for me if time will help overtime this is all so sudden and new to me


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[Mystic]

It's been 16 months since my sweet husband passed. Seems like yesterday. My heart aches for him every day.  Time hasn't helped me so far.  I have family & friends and I go out to lunch & dinner with them but I still feel like I'm just passing time til I'm with him again.  I just feel like half a person without him. I still do things but there is always this emptiness inside of me. I don't fear death anymore cause I don't have anyone to live for anymore.  

'

'm 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, SCSS093 said:

my life with my husband was great and happy and normal one day than boom he’s gone he’s always been healthy never been sick

That's how it was with my husband too, I still considered us newlyweds, we were so happy together.  Not an ounce of fat on him, he worked hard physically as a welder and was always helping everyone.  Two weeks before we completed  a steep hike...then boom!  He had a heart attack, went to the hospital, two days later another one, waiting for surgery and he died.  Never saw this coming!

[KayC]

57 minutes ago, Mystic said:

It's been 16 months since my sweet husband passed. Seems like yesterday. My heart aches for him every day.  Time hasn't helped me so far.  I have family & friends and I go out to lunch & dinner with them but I still feel like I'm just passing time til I'm with him again.  I just feel like half a person without him. I still do things but there is always this emptiness inside of me. I don't fear death anymore cause I don't have anyone to live for anymore.  

'

'm 

16 months isn't that long in the scheme of things, it takes a long time to process grief of this magnitude.  I don't fear death anymore either except I have my dog and cat to take care of, they're elderly so not very adoptable, I have to live for them, then...???

[Mystic]

I also have my little dog.  She is a maltipoo and is 13 1/2.  She does keep me going.  

[JES]

I am sorry for all of your losses. It always makes me sad to see new people having to come here.  I am almost 8 months in losing my husband.  It has been, and still is a tough journey but as time goes on,  it gets alittle easier, or mabbe I should say,  we learn how to adjust and cope better.  Wishing all alittle bit of peace in these dark days.  Jeanne

[wishyouwerehere]

I lost the love of my life on April 15, 2019 to a massive heart attack.   He came home from work that day ate dinner, he sat down on our bed beside me, put his head on my shoulder and said he had bad indigestion.   I took one look at him and I knew what was happening.  I called 911 and gave him CPR but he didn’t make it.   We have two boys ages 15 and 9.  I started seeing a grief counselor.   It feels like I can’t breathe because I am in so much pain from losing him.   He was my everything and I was his.    My heart is broken.   I miss him every minute of every day. 

[SCSS093]

I lost the love of my life on April 15, 2019 to a massive heart attack.   He came home from work that day ate dinner, he sat down on our bed beside me, put his head on my shoulder and said he had bad indigestion.   I took one look at him and I knew what was happening.  I called 911 and gave him CPR but he didn’t make it.   We have two boys ages 15 and 9.  I started seeing a grief counselor.   It feels like I can’t breathe because I am in so much pain from losing him.   He was my everything and I was his.    My heart is broken.   I miss him every minute of every day. 

I am so sorry for your loss! I pray each day it gets better but only time will help us heal it’s so hard losing someone so close to you. This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me which makes it so much harder and my husband was the world to me before he came into my life I was in a dark place and he gave me light again and now he’s gone sometimes I just cry to myself alone having to accept that the only person I ever felt truly comfortable with is not with me anymore I am so heart broken as well


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[chincube]

10 hours ago, wishyouwerehere said:

I lost the love of my life on April 15, 2019 to a massive heart attack.   He came home from work that day ate dinner, he sat down on our bed beside me, put his head on my shoulder and said he had bad indigestion.   I took one look at him and I knew what was happening.  I called 911 and gave him CPR but he didn’t make it.   We have two boys ages 15 and 9.  I started seeing a grief counselor.   It feels like I can’t breathe because I am in so much pain from losing him.   He was my everything and I was his.    My heart is broken.   I miss him every minute of every day. 

I'm sorry for your loss. I can imagine your pain. But I think you must be doing your best to take care of yourself and your boys, and you have already started seeing a counsellor early on. I did start therapy very early too, like in the second week. I was like frantically looking for 100 ways to make the pain go away, but nothing really did it. However I know I just have to carry on.

Big hug for you, hope sometimes you would have a relatively not that bad day.

[KayC]

On 5/10/2019 at 4:55 PM, Mystic said:

It's been 16 months since my sweet husband passed. Seems like yesterday. My heart aches for him every day.  Time hasn't helped me so far.  I have family & friends and I go out to lunch & dinner with them but I still feel like I'm just passing time til I'm with him again.  I just feel like half a person without him. I still do things but there is always this emptiness inside of me. I don't fear death anymore cause I don't have anyone to live for anymore.  

'

'm 

Oh I know the struggle!  I have gotten used to life on my own in the 14 years since but I still love and miss him very much, and I realize how different my life would be if he were still here. 

I want to welcome you here, I hope you'll continue to come here and post, it helps to get it out with people that understand.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, wishyouwerehere said:

I lost the love of my life on April 15, 2019 to a massive heart attack.   He came home from work that day ate dinner, he sat down on our bed beside me, put his head on my shoulder and said he had bad indigestion.   I took one look at him and I knew what was happening.  I called 911 and gave him CPR but he didn’t make it.   We have two boys ages 15 and 9.  I started seeing a grief counselor.   It feels like I can’t breathe because I am in so much pain from losing him.   He was my everything and I was his.    My heart is broken.   I miss him every minute of every day. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband came home early from work, said he had heartburn.  Thought that's all it was.  The next day he had a heart attack, landed him in the hospital, the third day there he suffered another heart attack and died, waiting for surgery.  I was gone that weekend to my sister's reunion, couldn't get my sister to bring me to the hospital until shortly before he died.  I had a hard time forgiving her that.

I understand how blindsided you must feel for that was how I felt.  He didn't even let me know he was in the hospital, I had to find out from someone else, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend."  I don't think he knew then that he was going to die.

[Billie Rae]

I lost the love of my life on April 15, 2019 to a massive heart attack.   He came home from work that day ate dinner, he sat down on our bed beside me, put his head on my shoulder and said he had bad indigestion.   I took one look at him and I knew what was happening.  I called 911 and gave him CPR but he didn’t make it.   We have two boys ages 15 and 9.  I started seeing a grief counselor.   It feels like I can’t breathe because I am in so much pain from losing him.   He was my everything and I was his.    My heart is broken.   I miss him every minute of every day. 

I'm so heartbroken for you.
This is a safe place to be yourself,it has been my shoulder to cry on,my cheerleader,my place to be who I need.
Everyone here understands what we are going through and have helped my soul.

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[wishyouwerehere]

Thank you all for your kindness and support.