Random ranting

[chincube]

Sometimes I just want to stomp my feet like a little girl, and cry that I don't care I just want him now, just give him to me now. Sometimes I wonder if there is a way that I don't have to face all these, can't I just die with him so that he can hug me, comfort me.

Crying was not a thing I did often, yet there is not one single day I didn't cry, that I hate it so much. I know it's ok to cry, but I just hate it so much, I hate to know now that crying so much can give a person headache. I hate that when I go out I have to be prepared for any unexpected flood of tears.

I didn't realize I've lost weights, until all my clothes don't fit anymore and I stepped on the scale yesterday, realizing I lost 15lbs in these weeks. I don't even understand how could that be possible, it's like denying my effort to take care of myself, to eat normal meals when I could and to eat small meals throughout the day when I can't. Worse, he won't notice now, he won't be saying I'm too skinny and attempt to fatten me up. He won't be here playing with my love handle anymore, so maybe who cares?

His friends are going back to normal, maybe guys grief differently too, even his best friend seems to be quite functional. His kids are laughing and joking, asking me when would I go and bring them presents. I think I'm the only person on the planet that is still crying for him.

He used to call me everyday and we would talk hours, he'd give me kisses before we hang up. I used to get upset if he missed a day. Now he missed 27 days already without calling me, telling me he misses me, he loves me, giving me kisses. How could he do that?

What about the promises he made? Who do I grow old with now? Who will I cook for now? Why do I need to work hard for?

What about things he should apologize to me, things he did that he should beg for my forgiveness? What about the little lies I found out he had told me? Who do I yell to? Who would comfort me? And who do I get to know more about, after I realize new sides of him that I didn't know? Who do I grow this relationship with?

And why did I stop dreaming of him? I used to dream of him almost everyday before, after he died I had just 3 very short ones. It's like they won't even give me a break and let me spend time with him in dreams... Where has his spirit gone? Why isn't he coming to accompany me?

[KayC]

17 hours ago, chincube said:

I think I'm the only person on the planet that is still crying for him.

We are the only ones it affects like this.  To us they are everything, to the others, they seem to move on, life doesn't stop for them like it does for us.

After my husband died I didn't dream of him for about a year or so, I don't know why, we were always together when not at work.

About the lies you can't talk to him about now, maybe try writing him a letter...then write one to yourself from him, imagine what he would say, write it down, receive it as from him.

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, chincube said:

What about the little lies I found out he had told me? Who do I yell to?

In my opinion, it's not only okay but healthy for you to yell at him.  Whether he can hear you or not isn't the point.  The point is that yelling at him allows you to start releasing the anger that's all mixed up with the love.  I recommend you do this in private, of course, but don't be afraid to tell him you're hurt, you're angry, you're confused, and anything else that you feel.  It won't diminish the love you have for him.

[chincube]

@KayC Thanks for your suggestion, I have not thought of that idea. We never wrote to each other, we only talked. But I guess it can still work as an imagination of what I'd want to say to him, and imagine what would he say to me.

@foreverhis Yeah, the anger and confusion all mixed up doesn't feel good. Either it's grief that twists my mind, or the fact that I can't talk through these with him - the minute I found out lies he told me, I jumped to the conclusion that maybe he had never really loved me. I kept on trying to be logical and reminding myself everyone is flawed, I myself told little lies to him as well, for reasons other than that I don't love him as well. But for some reason I feel so panic that maybe he had never loved me.

But then, what choice do I have? It's not like I can break up with him or be a drama queen, I can only learn to forgive and absorb it by myself.

[KayC]

I went through that too.  Three weeks before my husband died, he told me he'd been using Meth...his supervisor started him on it so he'd work harder/faster.  I've always wondered how much a role it played in his death, it does thin the lining of the heart, but then they found he had five blocked arteries so maybe not.  With drug addiction comes lies and I found them out after he died so I never got to talk to him about them...lies and theft of our household.  When he died we owed out $72,000 due to his handling of the money and his hospital/doctor/ambulance bills.  I had to remortgage my home which had been previously paid off.  As luck would have it I lost my job and then my car went kaput and I had to buy another one.  Remortgaged again.  I'll be paying on it until I'm 80, what a difference that makes to my budget, especially since my income cut in half when he died.

I was angry at him for some time, it took me a while to process everything, to forgive him, to move past it.  I learned to take the whole of the man and not just the part.  I loved him, warts and all.  I've learned it's not uncommon to discover things about them after they died, things we didn't know.  People are multi-faceted and they compartmentalize.  Sometimes they lie to us because they don't want us to think bad of them or don't want to let us down...it has the opposite affect in the end but we do have to consider their motivation even if the end result was bad.  I'm sorry you're going through this, it complicates our grief, as if we need something else to deal with, as if the loss of them isn't enough!

foreverhis is right, it's okay to yell at him.  Okay to tell him how much he hurt you...when you are ready you can also let him know you forgive him.  But it's a process.  The beginning of forgiveness is determining that's where you want to be, but the feelings still take time to work through and let go of.

[chincube]

@KayC That really was a lot for you to go through! I am so sorry, and it's really a long way that you've gone. I have no idea how did you do that!

One thing I kept on thinking is why did he have to lie, probably like you said he didn't want me to think bad of him or didn't want to let me down. But then I would jump to the state that maybe he didn't love me really, I can't even explain the logic. Like one lie I found out was he didn't quit smoking, the logical reason was probably because he thought I'd be pleased if he quitted but he couldn't, so he lied that he did. But my heart would say, he could have just said he failed I wouldn't think less of him, so he must have thought I'm an idiot and didn't love me so he lied.

You mentioned that you've learned it's not uncommon to discover things about spouses after they died, is that so? I've wondered too, because I feel like I'm the only one and I feel ashamed. I also feel like I shouldn't talk about that, like when I discovered something and got angry when talking with his best friend, his best friend said to me, "you know he's dead right? If he's here you two can talk, but now he can't, you have to forgive him." I feel like I have to instantly forgive him, but truth to be told it's more complicated than that. It like I found one lie, I start to question everything he said and scrutinize which is truth which is lie. And then the ultimate fear would be that he said he loved me would be the biggest lie.

Sometimes I wonder, if I found out those lies when he's still alive, would I have forgiven him? I don't really know. But would I jump to the conclusion that he didn't love me? Probably not. What I have learned is, in my remaining life I should not lie ever, because if I happen to die, the hurt I'd leave behind will be million folds worse than if I speak the truth.

So what now? Even if I would forgive him one day, the day I meet him again I know he will have a lot to do, he will have to comfort me all over again. It's his job, not mine!

[KayC]

No I would not think it's because he didn't love you.  People really are complex, and men especially feel this need to be perfect in our eyes, they can't bear to let us down or for us to think bad of them.  I lost my 23 year marriage in part because he lied to me for over 20 years...I never got over that.  20 years of lying?!  And him always seeming perfect to everyone.  I felt he was a hypocrite.  Now, over 20 years later I look back and view it differently.  I've forgiven him.  My perspective is different.  

Lies are hard because we don't know what to believe, how to feel.  Just don't throw out the whole of the person because the one part of them was faulty.  I know my George loved me.  His motivation was to keep his job and thus my health insurance...he just made wrong decisions in the process.  I did get to tell him that much before he died.  I know he loves me, I know I love him, was he perfect?  No.  Was I perfect?  No.  But we were perfect for each other.  We understood each other, had faith in each other.  He was going through outpatient rehab when he died.  I'd told him he could try that and if it wasn't enough, he'd go to inpatient rehab.  After he died, I got his phone bill and saw that he'd called an inpatient rehab.  That made me feel good, I knew he was willing to do whatever he needed to do to get through this.  And he would have.  It wouldn't have been fun, no picnic, I don't kid myself, but we would have made it, I am sure of that.

And I'm sure the two of you would have worked things out too had you had more time.  Try to hold onto that truth.  Yes, when we meet again, there will be some comfort due!  And they will do it.

[chincube]

@KayC Thanks a lot. You have no idea how what you wrote helps me to try to understand why he did what he did. Tried hard as I might, I couldn't understand. And not understanding drives me crazy and to the darkest place. When the anger and feeling betrayed mixed together with the love I have for him and missing him, I feel like even more crazy. I even feel that maybe I haven't done enough to make him feel like he can be real with me, be honest with me, be comfortable with me and be weak with me. 

You're right, I have to admit that I don't understand men very much. I've only had 2 boyfriends in my life, and after breaking up with the first, I also knew about things I didn't know at all when we were together - it was like I have never known him. But then what you said makes sense to, as a woman I feel they can be comfortable to be weak with me, however as a man they might not even want to be or feel or appear weak at all. 

Thanks for helping me understand. It has been a complicated and lonely road, alternating between mixture of 10+ kinds of emotions a day. Days that I doubt whether he did love me are the worst. When he was still alive everyday he would tell me how much he loved me, that his love would not fade, that he would love me till he dies (ironic huh? He said exactly that the day he died). Without him telling me everyday for a month, I feel like my mind is getting mushy and not clear anymore. Now after reading what you wrote, I feel like he'd say again "it's OK, because you're a little girl, I have to tell you everyday so you know everyday, not forget that I love you." 

[JES]

@chincubeI am sorry you are going thru this and for your loss.  Forgiveness does come but it may take time.  I learned my husband was lying and having his daughter lie to me about spending money, and that had happened years before. She hadnt seen him in 5/6 years before he passed and chose to call me the day after he did, crying, wanting things and telling me he had lied to me...she wanted me to be angry at him for some reason.  I just said, oh I knew that anyways ( I did) and blew her off. He was giving her and brother money...and not telling me... there were times I did it with my own kids and never told him either.  He also was sneeking off and on smoking pot...we had alot of arguments over it..and he'd lie outright.  I was so angry one time I walked to my daughters ( about 200ft) and got drunk.   Im not much of a drinker so didnt take much, but I told him I went to the bar and got drunk..I never ever told him the truth ( childish yes, but it hurt when he lied).  So you are not alone there.  You are very new in your grief, you will have many emotions, anger also, its ok to feel the way you do. I also think he loved you. My ex cheated, lied about it many times, I lived with it for over 20 yrs., I did leave him, but to this day, I know he loved me until he died.  He just made many bad choices, eventually I forgave him, ( in my mind) but it took time.  Thinking of you and wishing you alittle peace.  Jeanne

[KayC]

1 hour ago, chincube said:

I even feel that maybe I haven't done enough to make him feel like he can be real with me, be honest with me, be comfortable with me and be weak with me. 

I felt like that when I was married to my kids' dad.  Funny how we accept responsibility even when they do wrong.  But I know I did my best even with him, even though it ended after 23 years.

It sure can feel complicated.  But our love isn't complicated, maybe the fact that we're human makes us complicated.  

I had a lot to work out after George's death.  One year after he died, his exGF called to talk to him, turns out he'd gone up to see her and not told me.  I know they were just friends but still it hurt.  I knew she didn't make it up, she even knew what kind of truck he had.  The fact that she didn't call until a yer after he died and hadn't known he was dead told me they hadn't been in recent contact with each other.  I know when we got married and he moved here, it was quite a transition for him.  I was working full time and he was waiting for school to start.  He was alone and had no one to talk to, so that's when it was.  I was pretty angry when I found out!  I wanted him to come back so I could yell at him!  But I processed it, calmed down, and got past it.  I know he loves me still even as I do him, nothing can change that.

[chincube]

@JES @KayC Thank you both of you for making me feel less ashamed, and letting me know that I'm the only one who faces this kind of strange situation of finding out lies after a spouse/boyfriend's death. I would have thought I was the only one, and I was feeling so ashamed.

I guess I'd leave it when I can, and let time to do the work. And when it bugs me again, I'd let myself be angry and try to understand why he did what he did. Hopefully with some time later, I'd be able to forgive him and accept him as who he really was. 

And when I feel really betrayed and sad, I hope I will be able to remind myself that he really did love me so very much.

[KayC]

It sounds like you're handling it right, doing all you can do.  Hoping for some peace to follow...