Sharing an awesome Ted talk

[JBSC01]

 

[KayC]

I listened to her...I agree that we don't "move on", I hate that term, it's offensive, but I choose to say instead, I continue.

[ccoflove]

Thanks for sharing. It brought back memories of my love letting of me warm my cold hands in the fold of  his armpits. So many things he did out of love that warm my heart. I miss him everyday. Sometimes when id complain about all the work of life he would joke "and you have to breath in and out, in and out". Now it truely is that hard to breath but it still makes me smile and laugh through the pain to think of him saying it. 

[Fmf]

@JBSC01 Thanks for sharing. That really was a great video, so relatable! 

[DHG]

My son shared this video with me a week or so ago.  My husband of 25 years passed away suddenly from a hearth attack 4-9-19.  I'm still in shock and just trying to get thru the days.  I feel like I'm in a fog.  My mind is just letting in enough reality for me to function...and then it blocks out the enormity of it all most of the time.  I know in time it will all sink in, but for now it's just a little bit at a time.  This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me....my mother was murdered when I was 20, up until now that was the worst thing that ever happened to me.  But with my husband's passing, I know the rest of my life is now altered and will never be the same.  Back when I was 20, I still had my whole life ahead of me and I feel I did have a good life, despite that tragedy.  This one is hard to get over....  I like the idea of bringing him forward with me, instead of me moving on without him....

 

[chincube]

8 hours ago, DHG said:

I like the idea of bringing him forward with me, instead of me moving on without him....

Me too. People said to me that he's a part of me, and that he'd always around me. Though sometimes I wish I can be sure of that. 

[KayC]

@DHG  I want to welcome you here...finding a place such as this literally saved my life when my husband died.  It really does help to come here and read and post, it helps to know there are others that "get it" and understand, to know that what you're feeling is "normal" in grief...it can sure feel alien to the world you've always known.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother that way when you were so young.  My family experienced it's own tragedy that although different, was life altering.  Sometimes there are those events from which everything else suddenly becomes a "before" or "after" that defining moment in time.  Losing your husband was another of those events.

I hate the term "moving on", it seems to implicate leaving them behind and I don't know a one of us that would want to do that.  I prefer the term "continue" instead, or as you put it, moving forward.  We learn to incorporate them into our lives in a different way now that we can no longer physically hold each other or do things together like we did.  We honor them in ways that bring us comfort and we continue loving, missing them, and thinking about them always.

I wrote this at about ten years out and hope something in it is of help to you.  If you read it a few months later you will find different things in it strike you than what does today.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

Thank you for the link.  I watched it and found a number of her observations spot on, especially putting her hands under her husband right after he died.  I kept rubbing my husband's arm and shoulder, stroking his cheek, and saying, "He's warm.  He's still so warm."  I used to think it was odd when people would talk about touching their love after death, but I get it now.  I couldn't stop holding onto him.  I didn't until they came from the funeral home to take him from me.  Even as I was walking out of the room, I turned back, leaned over, hugged him, kissed his cheek, and told him I loved him one last time.  I knew "he" wasn't there, but that didn't matter.

I think she talks about many things that will be particularly helpful for younger spouses/partners.  The notion that finding new love down the road is in no way a betrayal, a forgetting, or a moving on from the one we've lost is something most people who haven't been through this don't seem to understand.  Like she mentioned that her family and friends acted as if, "Oh good.  She's made it through and is finished grieving now."  What they really mean is "Oh good.  I don't have be uncomfortable around her grief now."  I'm sure they were happy for her, but it's like a relief for them.  I would think it takes a very special person to understand that loving the spouse you've lost is not something that is erased by new love, but must become part of it.

[DHG]

KayC...thank you for your welcome and your list of tips to help us get thru this time.  All this helps bring some measure of comfort.  I will continue to come here and read these comments and maybe post one, too, here and there.  This site does help...I feel like you guys truly do know how hard and deeply awful this is.  Thank you, everybody!

 

[KayC]

DHG, I don't know how old you are but my husband I had didn't meet until our 40s, I had teenagers then...he passed just five days after his 51st birthday, I never expected that, he looked the picture of health!  In my family we live into our 90s so that means 40 years or so without him, it's already been almost 14, I hope and pray I don't have to do until my 90s.  It's a long time without him.  I try to find good in each day, don't know what else we can do, really.  And I talk to him all the time, okay, maybe I've gone over the edge, could be, but I think it's common to talk to them, my friends do to their deceased husbands too.  Who knows, maybe he can hear me!

[Billie Rae]

Kayc,I talk to Charlie a lot,ask him questions tell him I miss him and cry on his shoulder.it makes me feel connected and not so alone.
Love you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I hope and pray I don't have to do until my 90s

That thought comes to my mind almost daily.  The women in our family typically live into their late 80s or early 90s.  Even though I'm 60 that's just too long to live without my love.

 

4 hours ago, KayC said:

And I talk to him all the time, okay, maybe I've gone over the edge, could be, but I think it's common to talk to them, my friends do to their deceased husbands too.  Who knows, maybe he can hear me!

Well, my friend, then I am right 'round the bend and over the edge with you!  I talk to him every day.  I say good morning; I ask him for help with decisions; I tell him things that are happening; I remind him how much I miss him; and I tell him how much I love him.  I ask him to forgive me for not saving him and for all my faults.  I remind him that he is mine and I am his, and that death changes nothing about that.

Whether he can actually hear me doesn't really matter in the long run.  I mean, of course I hope he can and I hope he's sending his love my way, but talking to him helps me cope regardless.

[Pitszal]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Well, my friend, then I am right 'round the bend and over the edge with you!  I talk to him every day.  I say good morning; I ask him for help with decisions; I tell him things that are happening; I remind him how much I miss him; and I tell him how much I love him.  I ask him to forgive me for not saving him and for all my faults.  I remind him that he is mine and I am his, and that death changes nothing about that.

Whether he can actually hear me doesn't really matter in the long run.  I mean, of course I hope he can and I hope he's sending his love my way, but talking to him helps me cope regardless.

Well Now I know  I am not alone. I talk to my husband too. We were married 60 years he passed March 18 of Cancer. I say goodnight to him every night,  I tell him I miss him and love him so much. I also ask for a sign that he hears me somehow some way. 

[KayC]

Billie Rae, we all love you too, you're like a ray of sunshine to all of us here.

I do hope they can hear us.

I'm going through Melanoma diagnosis and the hassles of the insurance requiring preauth for surgery when the doctor is on vacation and can't send in a preauth request, if they cause me to have to reschedule at put my health at risk because of their asinine rules, they're going to be sorry to deal with me!  Not what I need on top of this.

 

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I agree with kay, you are a ray of sunshine my dear.  I talk to Kevin too, and ask his help on decisions, etc.  It always seems he somehow is still there for me, and answers me back in some onknown way.   @KayC I am sorry you are dealing with this...its so scary.  Always better when you can get these things done quickly so you know where your at, the waiting is so hard. Sending love and prayers that all will go well. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

Kayc,hope all turns out well for you[emoji307]I couldn't bear to have anything happen to you.
Aww Jes,your so dear.I'm pretty stressed right now,moving on Saturday and have only slept for about 3 hours all week.I just need to get this done.And the tears,the wailing.
I love you both dearly

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@Billie Rae  Know Im thinking of you in next couple days and sending you alittle strength to help you through.  I just know Charlie will be right there helping you thru, and moving to your new place with you.  Take care,  try to sleep abit, so you don't get run down. Sending love and hugs my friend. Jeanne

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm going through Melanoma diagnosis

Oh no.  Kay, I am so sorry you have this piled on you.  My mind thought all the kinds of words I don't say or write in public.  For crying out loud, they should be able to get the on call or substitute doctor to do the authorization.  This isn't a [bad words] skinned knee.

So I say to you:  Let them have it!

And please keep us up to date on how you are doing.  I am sending you love and comfort and big, big hugs.

[tlc]

kayc, it's just not fair. Something else to deal with.

I talk to Terry all the time and I often think that others would think that I am crazy. I am glad that I am not alone in doing this because it feels so right to me! He is in my mind all the time and I just talk to him as if he was here. How could it be otherwise?

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

For crying out loud, they should be able to get the on call or substitute doctor to do the authorization.

Apparently the doctor himself has to request pre-authorization, not even the one that did the biopsy can even though she's in the same office.  It's stupid insurance rules.

As if that's not enough, something else weird is happening, bumblebees are showing up in my house and I can't figure out how they're getting in, nor have I found a nest.  I've been killing two a day...and I'm allergic to bees!  I hope this comes to an end, it makes me nervous.

7 hours ago, tlc said:

I am glad that I am not alone in doing this because it feels so right to me! He is in my mind all the time and I just talk to him as if he was here.

I don't see how it could be otherwise either.

[foreverhis]

58 minutes ago, KayC said:

As if that's not enough, something else weird is happening, bumblebees are showing up in my house and I can't figure out how they're getting in, nor have I found a nest.  I've been killing two a day...and I'm allergic to bees!  I hope this comes to an end, it makes me nervous.

If it was butterflies or ladybugs or something, I'd say it was George telling you he's watching over you.  But as he'd know you are allergic (I have a very mild allergy, but not life threatening), he would not send them.  Of course you're nervous not knowing when the next one will show up to threaten your health.  It's so odd that they'd keep coming in, but with no nest close by.  As much as we need our bees, you do not need yet another health risk.

Seriously, what the [bad word of your choice]?  Do you have an epi pen?  Keep it close by, please. 

Your insurance problems are why I have come to believe that we need to completely revise medical care in this country.  It's absurd that only one doctor can do your pre-auth for something that might be life saving.  It's unethical for private insurers to make the process so difficult that people end up dying as a result.  I realize no system is perfect, but it's immoral and a betrayal of what our country is supposed represent for us to allow people to suffer because they aren't wealthy.  I fully believe that there are members here who have lost their soulmates (and parents, children, friends, etc.) because of outright greed.

Take care, my dear, and keep fighting the good fight.

[DHG]

On 5/1/2019 at 5:51 AM, KayC said:

DHG, I don't know how old you are but my husband I had didn't meet until our 40s, I had teenagers then...he passed just five days after his 51st birthday, I never expected that, he looked the picture of health!  In my family we live into our 90s so that means 40 years or so without him, it's already been almost 14, I hope and pray I don't have to do until my 90s.  It's a long time without him.  I try to find good in each day, don't know what else we can do, really.  And I talk to him all the time, okay, maybe I've gone over the edge, could be, but I think it's common to talk to them, my friends do to their deceased husbands too.  Who knows, maybe he can hear me!

KayC, I am 67, my husband was 62.  We, too, met later in life.  This was his 2nd marriage, my 1st.  We got married when I was 44 and he was 39...we had 25 years together.  Gosh, 51 is so young to die, so sorry...  I, too, like you, am now looking out at a long future alone and it is very disheartening.  I hope I don't feel this way for the duration.  It's been only 1 month for me since his passing and it is still pretty fresh and raw.  I'm trying to take care of tasks that need to get done and getting some satisfaction from accomplishing them.  But, the hardest part of the day for me is in the evenings when we would usually come together to watch TV, a movie or something that we had recorded to watch together.  That is when the silence is deafening and the loneliness is crushing.  I talk to my son on the phone and with friends, but they all have their own lives and I know I am a "Debbie downer" right now....not blaming myself, it's just the reality.  They all are wonderful, but I know how it is.

Anyway, thank you all for your support...I feel it is a life line for me during this time.

[KayC]

DHG,  We will be your support through this, those who were on line for me when I was in those early years literally were a godsend!  

We had hoped for at least 20 years together but it wasn't to be.  We never foresaw this, but I'm thankful for each day we did get together.  I've had several relationships, mostly disappointing, but George was the one who treated me the best, he adored me, and I'm grateful to him for I can say I know what love is.

I get together with a group of ladies on Fridays, we have potluck lunch and visit, most of them are widows but not all of them, it gives me something to look forward to.  Monday I'm driving to a town an hour away with same ladies to visit a lady from our group who moved away.  It helps to have some people to spend time with, I spend way too much time alone for my liking.  Missing my best friend...

Today is our town's treeplanting parade, I will skip it, too hard to go alone and George and I used to go together...

[foreverhis]

Here's a little observation or maybe warning about looking for more TED Talks like this. 

I wondered if maybe there were other insightful talks out there.  I'm sure there are, but I haven't found them yet.  I thrashed about (my husband's term for bouncing around a website or the internet) and started to watch/listen to several.  Some were unrelatable to me; others were paced poorly (and in one, the speaker moved around so much I had to close my eyes) or were monotonous; still others were trite. 

But there was one that stuck out the most.  One that made me actually snark at my computer screen.  It irked the heck out of me, more so because this was a talk by a neuro-scientist.  Almost right away, she talked about hearing from a colleague, in this case Kathy Shear, as leading her toward, I guess, quantifying grief in some way.  Here's the thing that made me want to scream:  The speaker described Dr. Shear as "in particular treating people who are having difficulty moving on from a loss."  Yes, that is a quote.  I have no idea if Dr. Shear thinks of her work that way, but especially after seeing the wonderful TED Talk on this thread, it struck me as so wrong, so hurtful that I shut off the video and fumed for a few minutes.  It simply boggles me that the speaker would be so insensitive after studying grief as to phrase it that way.

Okay, rant finished so back to trying to find inspirational videos/talks.  The big construction/upgrade project started today, so it's noisy as heck around the house.  I can't really do anything except put in earplugs and try to do some little chores.

[KayC]

Good luck with the construction project!

I've had to skip everything this week to make phone calls to doctors' offices and insurance and try to decipher what's true and what I need to do...HMOs are not easy, you have hoops to jump through and this particular one tells you something different with each person you talk to.  Will be glad when this is all over.  Not to mention snotty personnel!  In my day, when I worked for doctors, we showed professionalism and compassion, not attitude!

foreverhis, I have run across good and bad on line, it's easy to spot when they're saying something off, as you just caught.  It hits us like a ton of bricks, we've lived it, we're living it!

[foreverhis]

Thanks, Kay.  The project is going really well.  The crew is great and very respectful of the fact that they have to go through the house and upstairs to access the balcony and railings.  They covered the floors and plants, and even offered me ear plugs because the demolition today was so loud, no way around that.  I always have foam ones on hand, but I thought that was a very nice gesture. 

The good news is that there is no dry rot in the spots where the flashing had rusted through, so that's several hundred dollars of repairs that don't have to be done.  And they don't have to add any new composite boards where the new railings are being installed.  That's another several hundred dollars of work saved.

That's exactly how it felt to hear "trouble moving on" today.  BAM!  Here's a little bit more pain for you.  Later today I found another TED Talk that was far more insightful, so it's all good.

I wish I could yell at those rude, insensitive representatives for you.  It's not bad enough that you're trying to get a diagnosis that could be really scary?  No, they have to make it harder and more stressful for you. 

 

[KayC]

I broke down and cried on one of the last ones, said the same thing, it's bad enough I have Melanoma, without all this stress added on top of it!

[Billie Rae]

I broke down and cried on one of the last ones, said the same thing, it's bad enough I have Melanoma, without all this stress added on top of it!

Oh,Kayc I wish they would not make life hard on you!Whatever happened to service?and compassion?oh yeah,it doesn't make the company money[emoji21]
Foreverhis,ahh construction it's stressful while it's happening,oh but the joy after(kind of like having a baby,you forget the pain)
Sorry I haven't been around,unpacking is a full time job and trying to fit a 3 bedroom house into a 1 bedroom apartment ugh.
Just know I love you and your in my heart

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I broke down and cried on one of the last ones, said the same thing, it's bad enough I have Melanoma, without all this stress added on top of it!

I hope this comes out as I mean it to, but it's good that you didn't hold it in any longer, cried, and just let them have it! 

Unintentionally crying, after trying to hold it in, while trying to get things taken care of has benefited me.  I can't lie about that.  There's something about a woman trying to not cry, who then can't hold it in that seems to touch a soft spot of some people that just flat out crying does not.  I was always a crier, but mostly at home and preferably alone.  I never used tears to get what I wanted or to try to make my husband feel bad.  There were times I couldn't not cry, especially over his last 18 months.  My tendency to cry to my husband was when we had our rare, but intense, arguments.  We didn't scream, we didn't use insults or vulgarity, we didn't throw things, but we're like anyone else over 35 years with hard disagreements that we always worked out in the end.  But I'd think "Here come the tears I've been trying to hold back, darn it all."

Kay, you know we're all thinking of you and sending comfort, hugs, and love.

[DHG]

KayC, I'm so sorry you are having to go thru this.  Life sometimes seems to just throw too much at one person.  I am thinking of you and hoping you are ok.

 

[KayC]

I made it through surgery and home okay but had some issues with my car dying at a low speed three separate times today.  Glad to be home.  He said to expect pain the next couple of days, I have to come back in 12 days to have the stitches out and in three months for another exam, they said it's a requirement when they find Melanoma.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

[JES]

@KayC  I am so glad you were finally able to have the surgery.  I hope you don't have alot of pain.  Also hope your car is nothing big. I pray all goes well for you. Take care and rest. Love, Jeanne

[chincube]

@KayC I hope you would recover well, and please rest well and eat well.

[KayC]

I bought a new car Saturday as I need something dependable, I have a LOT of doctor's appointments coming up, each one 100-120 mile round trip.  With no one to come to my rescue...

I bought another Civic (payments for 6 years so I'll be broke).  I love it and already drove to my son's for Mother's Day (five hours driving) and my daughter came with me.

My rest will start today...it swelled this morning so I'm icing it too.

[foreverhis]

I shared this with our daughter and asked her to watch it while keeping in mind the relationship her dad and I had.  I think it will help express a few things I have had trouble articulating. 

I also shared it with one of my newer friends who had confided that she and her husband had lost a child at birth many years ago.  She told me partly because we have been getting to know each other on a deeper level and partly because she wanted to share a few things that had helped her.  She said she knew it wasn't the same, but that the pain she felt was so intense and lasted so long, even hitting her from time to time now, that she hoped maybe one or two of the coping techniques she learned from her therapist might benefit me at some point.  It was really touching how gently she approached it.

We had a quick chat on Saturday and I said something like, "Man, this is going to be two really crappy Mother's Days in a row."  Then I realized that would hurt her, and said, "Oh, I am so sorry.  That was selfish and thoughtless of me."  She said that it was alright, that she and her husband had a little ritual they did, that my upset was perfectly understandable, and finally, she thanked me for being sensitive to her emotions too.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that watching this TED Talk can make us more sensitive to and understanding of the different kinds of grief we all experience.  I'm really glad I watched and shared it.

[ccoflove]

You are in my thoughts KayC, sorry you are going through a stressful time but glad you got the surgery and a new reliable car. Hope you get lots of rest and heal quickly. Love C

[Billie Rae]

My heart is with you Kayc,hope you're not in to much pain.Isn't it nice to drive a new car?even with payments it feels great.
At this point I don't even care about payments,with no estate to leave no one will be responsible anyway!
That's one takeaway from Charlie's death,he left no estate so I didn't have to pay his credit cards because we kept ours separated in our own names.Since I have no estate my credit cards and other payments will languish in eternity.
Love you and prayers for speedy recovery

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

foreverhis,

This was a really good Tedtalk, I'm glad you got something out of it too and were able to share with a new friend on a deeper level.

Billie Rae and ccolove,

Thank you.  I woke up yesterday morning and it was quite swollen so am making effort to rest and ice it often.  Have to go to a dental appt tomorrow (120 mile round trip) but otherwise am trying to cancel whatever isn't essential.