How to not die when your partner died so young...

[ScottsWife]

How do those of us get through this when our partner died way too soon.

I am starting this thread because the other day I saw a post by a 28 year old woman who was robbed of her love just recently. Her post is gone now, but it was so helpful to me to read her words and I wanted to reply, but how do you reply to yourself? It was like reading words I could have written. I am much older than her (46), but my sweet husband died just a few months ago and I feel too too too young to have this happen to us and I can not imagine how this lovely 28 year old mother of a newborn will make it without support from people who understand. 

I am sure she deleted her post because it is so raw. I have considered doing the same to my posts...it is as if when I delete them, maybe I am erasing this horror of my new life. 

I know every death is way too soon. My darling grandmother just passed away a few weeks ago and she was 94, so I am not discounting the passing of folks at an advanced age, but I do want to talk about the special challenges faced when souls are crushed before we even had a chance to create the world dreamed.

The feeling of having our hearts stolen from us... the feeling of how do I raise these kids alone--or how do I spend the next 50 or 60 or 70 years without my heart and soul.  I think if I was had 20 left without Scott, maybe then I could do this, but how can I live several lifetimes without him?

I have definitely wanted to die through this...just to be with him...but I have kids, so that isn't an option. So this means that I have to figure this out and not die...

I think folks who understand the loss of a partner when you are young should post some words of encouragement to all of us who feel this unique pain. Not to take away from the pain of those who pass in more advanced years, but you can imagine the different pain of losing the future you planned...not being able to raise your kids together and of course all of the things your partner will miss.

So I just hoped that those who understand this horrible loss can help us who are younger and suffering.  Is there a future without so much pain?

 

[krislibby1432]

Hello,

I just recently lost my true love at a young age, I am 25 and he was 28 years old we were planning to get married this fall, but we lived with each other for several years, so it felt like we were married.

This experience has been truly the worst experience in my life, I would rather have been shot, stabbed or even have my own life taken then this happening. Even though the event is recent, I can say that we will never heal from it, and there will always be a scar on our heart, it is more about understanding how to move forward and coping with it. At the moment it might seem impossible, trust me I know, but it will get easier with time.

There will be hard days and good days. Take in the good days tell yourself at the end of the day it was a good day. I know one thing that helps me through this, is having a list of things that he wanted me to accomplish or do. I live for him, even if it’s me just going to get his favorite burger or taking a bigger step and going to San Diego, because he always wanted to take me there. It makes me feel connected with him, like I am not forgetting him or losing him completely.

It’s hard when you lose someone so young, I ask myself all the time why? Why did this happen to us and at such a young age. We had so many years ahead of us, I wanted to marry him, have his kids, buy our first house together, but it was stolen away.

We don’t know why, but as I keep building my relationship with god, I feel there is a reason or purpose. Whether it is to help someone out who is going through what we are going through, or even a larger picture that we don’t understand or see yet. With time we will discover a new part of our life with meaning, it’s scary and freighting I know, but I know our loved ones would want us to continue, to move forward and most of all be happy.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

Is there a future without so much pain?

The pain diminishes but we continue to love and miss them...we do eventually adjust as much as we can but our lives are never the same.  It's like I coexist with my grief.  I have learned to embrace the little joys in life, no matter how small, no matter how fleeting...I try to live in the present moment.

3 hours ago, krislibby1432 said:

as I keep building my relationship with god, I feel there is a reason or purpose

It took me a long time to process my grief (years), even longer to find purpose, and even longer yet to build a life I can live.  It is an ongoing process and ever changing.  It's not the same as before, nor can it be.  I think George would be proud of me, that means a lot to me.

I'm sorry for both of you with your young loss.  

[foreverhis]

@ScottsWife  Although I am not in your "target" group, I wanted to say that I think this is an excellent idea.  I can only imagine how I would have reacted if I had lost my sweet love in my 20s, 30s, or 40s.  I read the thread you mentioned and responded once.  I'm sorry she decided to delete it because I had hoped that you and other younger members might be able to help each other.  Have you considered asking one of the Mods to set up  "Spouse loss at a young age" in the Club section of the site?  I think it would be very beneficial.

I'm in kind of a weird age group in late middle age.  Not young enough to be considered young; not old enough to be considered of "normal" age to lose my love.  Even so, there are quite a number of us in our late 50s to early 60s, so even though I have only one family member and no friends who know what this is like, there is ample support from members here.

The pictures you posted of you and Scott touched me deeply.  It's clear that you are soulmates.  My heart goes out to you.

[Fmf]

14 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

Not to take away from the pain of those who pass in more advanced years, but you can imagine the different pain of losing the future you planned...not being able to raise your kids together and of course all of the things your partner will miss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I completely get what you mean. My daughters are teenagers and I’ve said it many times that I grieve for the loss of my husband but also grieve for what my daughters have lost, what they will miss, the moments with their dad. My situation is unique my dad passed the night before my husband so my mom and I share this crazy connection both loosing our spouse at basically the same time. They were married 58 years I would have been 20 years. So I have an up close view of those “advanced years” vs losing the future we planned.   I really have tried to look forward and focus on the positives for my family. I know that’s hard to maybe imagine, being positive but I think about what my husband would have wanted, how he would want us to go on.  I look at the fact that our children are his legacy and how he does live on in them.  

[LostGirl39]

Sorry for your loss. I just turned 40 on April 6 so I can relate to this post. My boyfriend died 3 months ago at the age of 53. I may not be in my 20’s but I still feel like a young widow since we’d been together for almost 18 years. I wonder every single day how I’m supposed to live without him. I had someone to actually say to me, “Well at least you’re still young. You’ll find somebody else”. I was completely taken aback by the comment. I just lost a man that I’ve spent the majority of my adult life with. He was my first real relationship. I can’t even fathom being with anyone else. I’m still trying to navigate through the grief & depression. There are no kids to be strong for in my life so I don’t even have a piece of him & I left behind to help ease the grief. I too would like to know if the next 20 plus years of my life are going to be this empty. I thought about talking to my Aunt, who lost my Uncle last February after 48 years of marriage. But I know that she’s still adjusting to life without him so I don’t want to upset her. Now I know how my dad felt after my mom died. As I said earlier, I understand your pain. I don’t know what lies ahead but hopefully we’ll all make it through this devastating journey. Take care!

[chincube]

Both me and my boyfriend are in our mid 30s, and he died unexpectedly without any terminal disease, not even heart attack. He just suddenly got very sick few hours after we last talked, and then died.

Because it just happened very recently, I have not yet gotten too far in my thinking. We also didn't have children, so I guess my situation is not as difficult, I just have to be responsible for myself.

But the one thing about he died so young is, the image of him so alive and strong, the image of him dancing (he's a very energetic dancer) so passionately - these images all make it so hard to accept his death. Everyday I still ask, how could he die? But he was so alive, how could he?

And then because I am young too, people expects me to "move on" eventually. Those are the most hurtful words, when it was just the first few days and someone just said to me "Let go!" I swear I had really evil thoughts at that time. His best friend that grew up together even said to me during the first week, "Later you should find someone and get married again, you will have children. I wish that for you, because now you are my real friend too, I want you to be taken care of I want you to be happy again."

I don't get angry over his best friend's comment, because I know it came from the bottom of his heart and he meant well. But when the others ay things like that, I get furious. I used to have a future planned with my man, we planned to move together and have children of ours, we talked about them in so much specific details. Now he's gone, these plans will never happen, on top of that I have to imagine having some other future with someone else? Just talking about this makes me so furious!

[J7928]

I wrote a post and it got deleted accidentally. I lost someone I loved and dated for three years less than a month ago. He was 27 years old, and it came so unexpected. I feel at times I want to die to be with him, but it’s not that I actually want to die from this world. I want to be somewhere I can be with him again. I would never do anything to myself and I know I’m strong and will move forward in my life. I am lucky that I know his spirit is with me, I see so many signs of him. At first I felt crazy, I didn’t believe in these things, but I just feel him. Now I’m scared that one day that will be gone. I miss him and as the days get closer to the one month of his passing I think of him more and more, I believe the shock is wearing off. Life’s just so unexpected, and cruel at times.

[chincube]

@J7928 I get your words totally, I wanted to die too just so that I could be with him, not that I really want to die.

I totally know that you are not crazy - just 3 months ago I was still very skeptical about spiritual stuffs and didn't believe those at all. Now sometimes I'm obsessed in that, waiting for him to come to my dreams, I have once felt him brushing my arm, I saw a special cloud and feel that he showed it to me, I saw a bird circling around me for some time I thought it's him. Sometimes I feel so embarrassed to tell people about these, I even tried to meditate so as to see if I can feel his spirit.

You're not alone

[foreverhis]

On 4/25/2019 at 9:24 PM, chincube said:

We also didn't have children, so I guess my situation is not as difficult, I just have to be responsible for myself.

I have to disagree with you there.  Losing our soulmates is the hardest thing most of us will face, no matter our ages, how long we were together, or whether we have children (young or adult) or grandchildren.  Please do not think that we would think your loss "less than" just because you didn't have children.  It's simply not true.  Losing the one person in the world who is your everything is not something we should ever compare.  And please, if anyone says it's not the same because you weren't married, tell them I said they are both wrong and cruel.  Ditto for the issue of children.  You are grieving for your soulmate.  Period.

Of course, where we are in life makes a difference in what comes next, but those are not measures of the level of grief.  My heart aches for all those of you who are so young--and yes, 40s is young, just in case there's any question.  My baby sister (aka "Whoops") is in her 40s.  She met her husband when she was 20.  They dated for a year, lived together for a year, and then married 3 weeks after she graduated from college.  She and her soulmate, a wonderful husband and brother-in-law, will be celebrating their 25th anniversary this summer.  (Got to admit, that's going to be a toughie for me.  I am so happy for them, but...)  The thought of her losing him ties my stomach in knots because she is so young to me, because they should have decades more together.  Of course, my husband and I deserved to have at least another decade, but I am 60 and am not facing another 50 years without him.  Not that that makes it any easier, but our daughter is an adult, settled in her career and life, and with a daughter of her own.  It's different.  Not harder or easier, but some of the challenges are very different for me compared to you or any of the other young spouses/partners.

I'm glad Scottswife started this thread because the challenges faced by young spouses/partners are different.  I'm hoping that all of you can find comfort and help with each other.

[ScottsWife]

I feel such kinship with all of you. Every single thing written made me cry with recognition and familiarity. It is like reading my own feelings. 

I've had the rude comments and the odd advice and they make me angry. 

5 weeks after my heart was ripped from me, my own father said on Facebook that I should get over this and it reminded him of his own dad dying (as an older man) and of his Vietnam buddies and that I needed to be strong. He said I was young (I'm 46) and not to be too sad. 

I'm sorry but come on, Daddy! 

He has never loved anyone like I loved Scott nor was ever loved as much, and then had that love and life stolen. If he ever had, he would not and could not ever say that to me. He doesn't understand my heart and no one can, I guess.

But this is how true love and soulmate loss is different from any other and it's different for people at different stages of life.

It is not easier or harder, or worse or better. No matter if we had spent five years or fifty together...not if we had nine kids or no kids...not if they died over a day or a decade...not if they were 27 or 73...

This loss absolutely sucks for all of us, in every way...only differently.

I could list how all these variations in our loses are different, but we already know, and we also know our individual situations suck no matter what.

We know the things that make our losses unique are the things that tie us to our loves even more strongly. But it is in this unique way we suffer that we are also most alone. No one can ever really understand how much we loved them and how much they meant to everything we were.

So how do we become fully formed humans again? It's an odd situation... No matter how long were got with our complete soul in tact.

I spent 25 years as Scott and Carly and I can't even believe that is changing.

I am bent, but not broken...

 

 

 

 

 

[ScottsWife]

Thank you all again for your words. As a not-so-young young widow at 46, I feel for all of us.

I can see that the people who have suffered know that those of us in this category don't feel that the older ones were lucky or anything at all. I just hope that we can help those of us with this different kind of grief. None of our pain is worse pain or less worse pain. 

I'm glad I have my kids. I'm glad I had so many years. I'm glad we loved eachother so much. 

But even if we had 50 years together, that would never have been enough anyway... So this would have been the worst at any time.

But the things we deal with are different, particularly with the kids or with the dating thing.

Questions

How do we not be so damn sad in front of our kids? Our eldest daughter, 23 and at home, which I love) gets very upset at my random acts of weeping. How do I deal with her? Cause I know sometimes when I sprinkle cinnamon, I'm gonna cry and I can't help it.

What about men? I can feel already the different way I'm looked at now. Mostly cause I am back at working. I'm working now in a capital city, downtown and guys are everywhere from clients to co-workers and my normal friendliness had always been an asset, but I've always been married and now I don't have that protection. I feel afraid to be myself... I've already been gifted something by a kind-of-creepy client.

Anyway, that might be another topic, but I think it may be more a part of losing someone when we are younger or maybe it is like this for all widows.

We all have to enter the world again eventually and men are still men. Maybe I just didn't notice it before because my beautiful husband was always waiting for me.

Another issue is how do we even think about our future? It really feels like I can't possibly have one without him.

Another thing is the signs of Scott that I get. He is with me and he makes it known. He was definitely more present in the first month but he is still here. I am not a big believer in this stuff, but I know he is sending me signs.

Btws, this pissed my dad off... That I was trying to find Scott. I think it's cause of all the guys he killed in Nam. Imagine killing people and believing people could come back in some way. My point is, some can't believe in this stuff because it is way too painful, not because it isn't real.

Lots of love to my sisters and brothers in suffering. We are not alone. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, LostGirl39 said:

My boyfriend died 3 months ago at the age of 53.

Mine died five days after his 51st birthday...we didn't meet until our mid forties and still felt young as we were madly in love and so happy!  We thought we had the whole future ahead of us!  It never crossed my mind he'd die so young.  Had he died in his 20s I never would have met him, we never would have met our soul mate or know what true love is.  I'm glad we got to experience that but oh how hard to lose them when you feel you were just beginning to live!

[Billie Rae]

This is my second time,the first my husband of two years(it felt like longer because we worked the Alaska boats together so we were 24/7)killed himself in 1996 and I truly thought I would die.I went back to Alaska to heal because his spirit was there,I tattooed a bear paw on my back,he was Apache and bear was his spirit animal.Slowly oh so slowly I absorbed him into my soul.I dated a few times after about three years but nothing serious then in 2008 I found my Charlie,exact opposite of Roy but we stuck,he was my"old age"partner,my comfortable place,the strong vital man I would grow old with.All my eggs in that basket.Then cancer happened.
So you see age doesn't matter,it's love,and we can't predict what will befall us.
Yes maybe I'll get another love,who knows but I will be okay alone also.After the first time I thought I wouldn't love again,but I did,two very different but equally as important loves.
We are in a sad,confusing hurt place now but we don't know our future,it's all felt finished to me twice but surprise,it wasn't.
Take good care of yourself and know that we don't know.
Love to all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[ScottsWife]

So strangely or not-so-strangely, I met a woman and her husband today and somehow my husband and his passing came up. She happened to have lost her husband and soulmate 15 years ago, at aged 40.

She was at my hotel (I work in the hotel biz) with her husband of 4 years. Her next soulmate...

She talked of her love for her first husband and we cried together. She is so in love now and it is only good. It only helps her.

We talked about how when you have really loved it changes your perception of what is possible.

I know I will love again and be loved again. I know this because I had it before. I was a good wife and I had a good marriage filled with love and support and tenderness.

I know I will never find another man who shared all of the same things with me- We had the exact same birthday (year and all), our parents were married on the exact same day (year and all), we had our first and only children together, we liked all the same foods and our music and movie tastes were completely complementary. We were perfect together-- and know that isn't possible ever again.

But nonetheless, eventually, I know I will have another partner. How could I not? I have so much love to give.  I am just going to be selfish with it for a long, long while.

[ScottsWife]

Things I HATE to hear... I hear this from people at least once a week!

Scott is with God now, so it is okay.

Scott is not suffering anymore, so it is okay.

NO NO NO NO NO!!!

He wanted to be with ME and OUR KIDS! God did NOT choose to take him! CANCER KILLED HIM!!!

He would have been fine suffering...that is what pain meds were for...HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE!!!

People need to stop trying to make this make sense to me.  It didn't ever. It doesn't now. And it will never!!!

I happened. That is it. And now me and my kids and his parents and his friends are left suffering. We will be okay, but we will never be okay with this happening!!!

Sorry for the rant. Note that nobody who has lost a soulmate ever (or hardly ever) says this. It is not helpful to me, that is for sure.

[chincube]

2 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

I know I will love again and be loved again. I know this because I had it before.

I actually don't know that. Once or twice I have panicked about this, will I ever be loved again? Will I never be held by the arms of someone I love ever again? Will I never have my hair caressed by someone who loves me dearly again? Will I never get intimate with someone I love again? 

And then at the same time I would also panick, that I only want to do all those things with him. What if I ever only want him to hold me in his arms? 

I had a good day, I went to sleep and I woke now in middle of the night weeping... I miss him so much 

[Billie Rae]

Things I HATE to hear... I hear this from people at least once a week!
Scott is with God now, so it is okay.
Scott is not suffering anymore, so it is okay.
NO NO NO NO NO!!!
He wanted to be with ME and OUR KIDS! God did NOT choose to take him! CANCER KILLED HIM!!!
He would have been fine suffering...that is what pain meds were for...HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE!!!
People need to stop trying to make this make sense to me.  It didn't ever. It doesn't now. And it will never!!!
I happened. That is it. And now me and my kids and his parents and his friends are left suffering. We will be okay, but we will never be okay with this happening!!!
Sorry for the rant. Note that nobody who has lost a soulmate ever (or hardly ever) says this. It is not helpful to me, that is for sure.

Oh I so totally agree,if one more person says either of those things one more time....He didn't believe in God and he would have stayed in pain to be with me the only reason he left was his body wouldn't work anymore but right until the 2 days before he left he was saying he was staying right here.His soul is suffering now he wasn't ready!! So nonono his suffering is not done!

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

20 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

Things I HATE to hear... I hear this from people at least once a week!

Scott is with God now, so it is okay.

Scott is not suffering anymore, so it is okay.

NO NO NO NO NO!!!

He wanted to be with ME and OUR KIDS! God did NOT choose to take him! CANCER KILLED HIM!!!

He would have been fine suffering...that is what pain meds were for...HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE!!!

People need to stop trying to make this make sense to me.  It didn't ever. It doesn't now. And it will never!!!

I happened. That is it. And now me and my kids and his parents and his friends are left suffering. We will be okay, but we will never be okay with this happening!!!

Sorry for the rant. Note that nobody who has lost a soulmate ever (or hardly ever) says this. It is not helpful to me, that is for sure.

I so agree with what you've said here!

[ScottsWife]

Well,  it is one year today since Scott died.  I'm still alive. Scott is still not. 

I made it... for one year... without my love.  He was everything to me and I was everything to him. 

Our three kids are making it,  too. 

I am working again and doing other things that make life seem normal. 

Life is what it is. I will love him forever and it continues without him. 

I came here at the beginning of this journey when everything else was so empty.

I'm going to be okay...

I am okay...

[KayC]

10 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

Well,  it is one year today since Scott died.  I'm still alive. Scott is still not. 

I made it... for one year... without my love.  He was everything to me and I was everything to him. 

Our three kids are making it,  too. 

I am working again and doing other things that make life seem normal. 

Life is what it is. I will love him forever and it continues without him. 

I came here at the beginning of this journey when everything else was so empty.

I'm going to be okay...

I am okay...

Thank you for coming back and sharing.  At one year I felt I deserved a badge for surviving, I still think we all do.  The hardest thing in the world.  We are survivors, like it or not.  I love the picture of the two of you together.  

 

10 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

I will love him forever and it continues without him.

Yes...our love continues even without them physically present here.

[Left behind]

I just lost my soul mate. It will be two weeks tomorrow. He was only 38. I am 36. We were getting married this year. We had our whole future together still. I am lost, alone, and desperate for answers that will never come. He was the other half of me. He was my sunshine and life made sense when I was with him. He made my life so amazing. I feel like an empty shell without him. How does one survive this hell. I want to be with him so bad. It didn't matter what life threw at us, because we were in it together. It didn't matter how much money we had, or how many friends we had or troubles. We were in this life together, and that meant we could handle anything. I keep thinking back and replaying the days prior to his death over and over. What could I have done differently that would have changed the events of the worst day of my life. How do you do life without your soul mate in it? My future always had him in it. It's hard even thinking about living for a future that is no longer there. I don't know how to do this without him, I don't want to do it without him. I miss him so so much and my heart aches continuously for him. He was my best friend and the most amazing big hearted goof you could ever meet. I love him more then anything and I wish I could trade my life for his. I wish I could answer the question of how to survive when your loved one does so young, because I need to know how to as well. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Left behind said:

How do you do life without your soul mate in it?

IDK, I only know I've had to.  No choice.  Hang in there long enough for the adjusting to have it's chance, it can take months or years, but it won't be as bad down the road as it is today, I promise you.  When we're in the thick of it, we don't notice changes or adjustments...until we look back and remember how the beginning was.  You're still in the beginning, my heart goes out to you, I remember it well.

[Ashkil83]

Hi all,

I’ve been reading this thread and I feel whole heartily the emotions that you all stated in the comments. I think my 7 year old senses that I no longer have a desire to live. She said to me “mom I would be happy and sad if something happens to you. Happy because you’ll be with daddy and sad because you won’t be here to take care of us” that broke my heart. That my seven year old has to worry about such things now. On April 25, 2021, after no symptoms and a normal afternoon, we (my 7 year old and 3 year old) found my husband unresponsive in the basement. I did CPR, the paramedics worked on him and then took him to the hospital but nothing could be done to save him. He died at 38, leaving me and our children devastated. Most days I’m just counting down till I can join him. But then I feel bad for being so detached from life because I have my two young kids and I really don’t want them to have to lose me too. But I’m just so tired. Tired of living without my husband. He was my best friend, my soulmate and the only man I have ever loved. We were married 11 years and together for 15 years. I can’t even imagine living another 20-30 god forbid more years without him. I’ve been taking comfort in studying the afterlife. I get a ton of signs from him, but it’s never enough. Short of him walking through the door, I don’t ever think it will be enough. I’m so sorry for everyone that is apart of this horrible club. How have you all survived? Can you tell me how some of you, from the older posts, are doing now? 

[Left behind]

Ashkil83,

I am so incredibly sorry you have to go through this. I just want to let you know that I never thought I could get to where I am now. Everyday was a fight to stay here just one more day. The pain was just so immense I thought I would explode from it. I spent the first few months reading and writing on this site. Whenever I felt like I wanted to disappear or leave this world I would come on here and write it all down. The writing was cathartic and the responses would help me make it through one more night. I would do this almost every night. It helped knowing I wasn't alone in this hell. I also had a friend who stayed with me for quite awhile. It helped me with the emptiness of the house, and forced me to think twice about acting out on some of my thoughts. As much as I wanted to join him, I also didn't want to inflict this same pain on my family. I was constantly at war between those two battles. I honestly believed I could not survive this, but I did. It took lots of time, but it gradually became more manageable. I know right now you probably don't believe me, because I definitely didn't believe it myself when I was told the same thing. I took things super slow, it's been almost a year and a half since his passing, and I'm still not ready to watch the shows we used to watch together, however I can now look at our pictures together and smile at the happy memories we made. I still miss him like crazy, but the pit in my stomach is now a small puddle, and the elephant on my chest is now gone. My heart, however will always have a piece missing, but knowing he has that piece with him makes me feel closer to where he is. His daughter calls me, and we talk about him often. It has helped us both to heal some, and it helped us knowing we were both going through this pain together. She didn't feel so alone, and knew she could talk to me about anything. That definitely forced me to stay and be here for her. I was 36 years old and had lived some life, but to hear a 13 year old talk about wanting to die because of the pain from losing her dad pierced even my own grief. She has so much more life to live and I needed to make sure she lived it.  Please come back every night if you need too, everyone on here knows the pain all too well. It's hard talking to friends and family who have never been through it before. They can sympathize but not truly understand.

 

[Ashkil83]

8 hours ago, Left behind said:

Ashkil83,

I am so incredibly sorry you have to go through this. I just want to let you know that I never thought I could get to where I am now. Everyday was a fight to stay here just one more day. The pain was just so immense I thought I would explode from it. I spent the first few months reading and writing on this site. Whenever I felt like I wanted to disappear or leave this world I would come on here and write it all down. The writing was cathartic and the responses would help me make it through one more night. I would do this almost every night. It helped knowing I wasn't alone in this hell. I also had a friend who stayed with me for quite awhile. It helped me with the emptiness of the house, and forced me to think twice about acting out on some of my thoughts. As much as I wanted to join him, I also didn't want to inflict this same pain on my family. I was constantly at war between those two battles. I honestly believed I could not survive this, but I did. It took lots of time, but it gradually became more manageable. I know right now you probably don't believe me, because I definitely didn't believe it myself when I was told the same thing. I took things super slow, it's been almost a year and a half since his passing, and I'm still not ready to watch the shows we used to watch together, however I can now look at our pictures together and smile at the happy memories we made. I still miss him like crazy, but the pit in my stomach is now a small puddle, and the elephant on my chest is now gone. My heart, however will always have a piece missing, but knowing he has that piece with him makes me feel closer to where he is. His daughter calls me, and we talk about him often. It has helped us both to heal some, and it helped us knowing we were both going through this pain together. She didn't feel so alone, and knew she could talk to me about anything. That definitely forced me to stay and be here for her. I was 36 years old and had lived some life, but to hear a 13 year old talk about wanting to die because of the pain from losing her dad pierced even my own grief. She has so much more life to live and I needed to make sure she lived it.  Please come back every night if you need too, everyone on here knows the pain all too well. It's hard talking to friends and family who have never been through it before. They can sympathize but not truly understand.

 

Thank you so much for your response. I worry so much for my daughter as well. My son is 3, he asked for his dad a lot at first, but now he’s stop asking for him; i have mixed feelings about that. He also randomly goes into explaining to people that his daddy is dead which usually triggers my daughter. I’m glad you and your daughter are able to be there for each other. Honestly it’s that same love that keeps me here. I hope that you both will continue to heal together. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Ashkil83 said:

How have you all survived?

I didn't see how I could live one week without him!  We didn't meet until our mid-40s, he was the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend.  He was a wonderful stepfather to my kids.  (His own XW had disappeared with his kids and he didn't find them until they were grown and married.).  To suddenly unexpectedly lose him to a heart attack was a shock to say the least.  He was my everything.  

That was 16 years ago.  I've learned more on this journey than in the rest of my life put together.  Yet any one of us would trade everything to have them back for just five minutes.  It's how it is when you love and miss your person.  Keep coming here, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard and understood by those who "get it."  We do.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, that yet another person has to walk this road.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KimK]

I'm 37, my husband was 42, and we have 2 littles, an 8yo and a 2yo. I spent my entire adult life with him and we were a month shy of our 16th wedding anniversary when he was killed in a car accident. Watching my kids grieve has been a new kind of torture. I also would rather die than go through this or live without my husband. But I will. My daughter who's 8 is watching my every move. My 2yo developed extreme rage. I just quit my job and pulled him from daycare for (I assume) a few months to huddle together and try to survive. Because that's all it is right now. The days are long, the nights are terrible, and I am without family support. But that's ok. We're going to make it, and so will you. I try to fake it for my kids. I try to find things to laugh about, even though I'm dead inside. We talk about my husband constantly and try to talk about him watching us. It's terribly lonely and I feel vulnerable. Plus, the real life grind of life is tedious... make food I don't care about, make small talk with neighbors I don't care about. Hey  wiping butts and cleaning the house constantly gives me mindless occupation, so I'm actually ok with that. But he can't really be gone? The mind won't believe. Hang in there. I will too. 

[Ashkil83]

Thank you so much KayC for the posts. Wow, 16 years, you have been making it! Thank you for sharing your article.

Oh KimK, I felt your anguish through the screen.  I would like, more than anything, to say “it will get better” but I just don’t see how. I am also 37 years old.  Our kids are similar ages too. My email address is ashkil83@yahoo.com, if you every want to talk. Maybe we can help each other through this. I had been listening to this pod cast, a widow who lost her husband 6 years ago. So I decided to register for the 15 min phone call. Well apparently she is also selling 6 months of phone calls (once a week) and video chats, with other widows for 4K! She is not a therapist. Something just feels so wrong about that to me, but maybe I am missing something. We are so vulnerable at this time and that just feels predatory. I have signed up for counseling, it didn’t seem to help, but she’s really good with my daughter and specializes with children. So I decided to find a new counselor for myself that specializes in grief, but honestly I feel better just talking to others who have travelled this road. I start with the new counselor on Friday. I do plan to attend grief groups as well. There is one that starts close to my house in August that I plan to attend. 
 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Ashkil83 said:

I would like, more than anything, to say “it will get better” but I just don’t see how.

I felt the same as you, it's not possible to see it right now, it takes going through it...one day (or moment) at a time.  Your body takes care of the adjusting part, but there's also effort on our parts to read and learn and process our grief.  Coming here helps, it truly does.

I'm glad you have a grief group to go to.

[Mayluna]

Hi I’m 22 and i lost the love of my life almost 6 months ago. She was also 22. Yes we are young. But as all of us in this forum know, when you know you are with the one, you just know. 
we didn’t have kids but we always wanted to. We loved the idea of raising a child together bc, well, we love the way the other one is.❤️ So it would have been a beautiful combination. Right now I don’t want to have kids. Because it is easier not wanting something than not being able to have it. 
Also right now I am trying to live for her parents, her, my family and myself. Because otherwise my depressive symptoms would take over and bring me to a pretty dark place, which, I am sure, most of you also know. So, no pressure. But you get it. 

I’ve always had anxiety but now my social anxiety has grown rapidly because I can’t identify with other young people. Because they are not widows and also most of them never got to feel what true love is. They don’t know the beauty in tranquility, trust, vulnerability etc. So they can’t even imagine what I’ve lost. 
Also I have certain hate for people who are “careless, dumb and young” because they can’t imagine how fragile we can be.  It makes me mad because my love was adventurous but always careful! I think young people that haven’t ben touched by grief, feel invencible and that’s normal but not true. So when grief hits you, you just get how nothing is given and that you really need to add some meaning to life. Because otherwise you won’t get through the next hour. And also life isn’t light and breezy. It’s fucking caos and horrible and beautiful at the same time and you feel like you are going crazy. ❤️

 

So I kinda feel like I’m experiencing something “abnormal” to my age. And all that disconnects me even from our best friends, that also mourn for her. 
So yeah it’s always horrible and every personal situation has it’s extra difficulties. 
Thats my insight hope someone can identify with it. ❤️ Love to you all. 

[jwahlquist]

On 4/25/2019 at 8:16 PM, Fmf said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I completely get what you mean. My daughters are teenagers and I’ve said it many times that I grieve for the loss of my husband but also grieve for what my daughters have lost, what they will miss, the moments with their dad. My situation is unique my dad passed the night before my husband so my mom and I share this crazy connection both loosing our spouse at basically the same time. They were married 58 years I would have been 20 years. So I have an up close view of those “advanced years” vs losing the future we planned.   I really have tried to look forward and focus on the positives for my family. I know that’s hard to maybe imagine, being positive but I think about what my husband would have wanted, how he would want us to go on.  I look at the fact that our children are his legacy and how he does live on in them.  

My daughter was 11 when my husband/her father died.  It is so hard because I know there are a million things that she will miss having with him.  Daddy/daughter events, road trips, golf and eventually being walked down the aisle at her wedding.  There is just nothing I can do to make up for that.  So no matter how much I lost when he died she has lost just as much if not more.  
 

I am so sorry that you lost both your dad and your husband so close together.  ((HUGS))

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

 So no matter how much I lost when he died she has lost just as much if not more. 

IMO, you and she lost equally, but differently.  I do not believe she lost more than you, though I can see your perspective because you can envision all the events and memories that she and her dad should have had.  You're right that nothing can make up for that.  As each of those happens, you will want to be there for her to help ease her pain in whatever ways you can. 

Just don't forget that nothing can make up for all that you will miss as well.  Please do not short-change your own grief or think it "less than" your daughter's.

My heart hurts for you both.

[Jd2019]

Hi, I was 41 when my wife died unexpectedly jan1 2019. We had been together 11 years, married 9. Our daughter was 5 years old at the time. Grief was very intense in the beginning, it has subsided but still comes in waves. What I tried to do was to  stay busy(only 1 month off work), distract myself anyway I could and have certain people available that I could confide in. Being a single parent all of a sudden has been hell. But I have and continue to adapt to my situation. Yes, I miss my wife so much that I wish I could awaken from this nightmare. I had help from my family in the beginning and unfortunately the majority of my wife’s family lives on the other side of the country. I dated for the first time a few months ago(didn’t work out). Recently, I went part time and filed for my parental survivors benefits to help supplement. I’m very fortunate that I work for the company that I do, they are very understanding.

[KayC]

@Jd2019  You have some things going for you that I did not when George died...you have friends to confide in, a great job (mine was great but went under soon after George's death, the next company I worked for was horrid) and a daughter at home.  It's hard raising a child alone when you're besot with grief, yet they are great incentive to keep going.  Even though the date didn't work out, that's okay, the important thing to take away is you tried!  Don't rule out that "someday" one might work, my bestie got remarried six years ago and they are very happy...she'd been widowed five years, him four.  I don't even date (16 years in) so kind of hard to have it happen, ha!  But I don't feel like kissing frogs, I'm getting old.

 

[dustin]

My girlfriend passed away 3 months ago, cardiac arrest, she was 41. We were together for 10 years. We did not have children together because she was unable to. But she was the most wonderful step mother to my 2 boys (12 and 14 now).   We found sut she had heart failure soon after we started dating. So I always knew this day would come. Still it didn't make it any easier. I wrote this for her after she passed...

'Here I Wait'

If I would have only known
The day you left would be the last.
The last time I would see your smile,
Hear your voice, hear you laugh.
If I would have only known.

What would I do differently?
What could I, even if I could?
Nothing...
I could do nothing.

Or even worse, I may have held on to you so tightly. That you would have wanted to pull away.
I would have cried and mourned your loss. Before you even left that day.

I would have tried to save you
With every fiber of my being.
Only to ultimately fail and loose you,
With only myself to hate and blame!

You left on a Tuesday morning.
I thought that you'd be back.
I thought that we had more time.
I always thought we had more time.

Looking back, I should have known
All the signs were there.
Maybe I was willfully ignorant.
Regardless, I was unprepared.

I always knew this day would come.
I just never expected it to come so soon.
I often wondered how I would handle it. Apparently alone, In a tear filled room.

Now your gone,
And everything I use to love is a painful reminder that your not here.
I miss you more and more as days go by, and every memory of you is chased down my cheek by tears.

If I would have only known.
But deep down, I always did.
You told me once that you weren't afraid to die. What you feared was not to live.

I don't know if I believe in God or heaven. Or if people just made them up to help them cope. I may have lost my faith. But for you my love, I will always hold on to hope.

So here I wait....

[KayC]

@dustin I am so sorry for your loss, so young, so unfair.  Don't worry about your faith or loss of it, mine has always been strong but that first year believe me it shook it to the core.  I don't believe God "took him."  My theology is that right now Satan is in charge but a day will come when God will reign him in and meanwhile my George is being cared for in that other place I will go to also when I died.  But that's my belief and yes it helps me in this.  I don't mean to sound so simplistic but it gets me by.  I just wouldn't waste time worrying what I think in that first year, right now you have enough just trying to get out of bed, let alone function.  I'm glad you have your boys.  My husband also died of a heart attack with diabetic complications, he'd complained to the doctor for months and the doctor never referred him, by the time he sent him to the hospital it was too late.

I'm sorry you find yourself here instead of enjoying time with your wife, very unfair, all of it.   

Your poem is a beautiful tribute to her.  I hope you continue to come here, to read and post, it helps to know there's others that get it and understand...and most of all care. 

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[SweeTart]

On 4/25/2019 at 6:08 PM, foreverhis said:

  I can only imagine how I would have reacted if I had lost my sweet love in my 20s, 30s, or 40s.  Have you considered asking one of the Mods to set up  "Spouse loss at a young age" in the Club section of the site?  I think it would be very beneficial.

 

@foreverhis Just joining today at the almost two month mark of losing my (39f) husband (43m) and I realize I'm replying to a post from 2019... 4 years and there's no forum for the younger set of members in this terrible club? 

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, SweeTart said:

@foreverhis Just joining today at the almost two month mark of losing my (39f) husband (43m) and I realize I'm replying to a post from 2019... 4 years and there's no forum for the younger set of members in this terrible club? 

Welcome. I’m so very sorry you have reason to be here, but am glad you found us.

No, there’s no separate forum for younger members, just as there’s no separate forum depending on how long ago we lost our loves or whether we have children or how long we were together. I think that is okay, best even, because it doesn’t matter our age, we are all here because we lost our soulmates. The experiences we share, as well as our differences, benefit each other as we stumble forward, ever so slowly, on this painful journey.

Today, I carry my grief as part of the whole of my life, rather being crushed under the weight of it. I truly never thought that possible. While I do not fear death neither do I long for it as I did in the beginning. It took a long time for me to understand the difference.  Knowing I can come here and talk to others who understand, no matter where they are in life and grief, helps so much.

It has been far more helpful for me to have the benefit of talking to others who are in different situations, ages, and experiences, rather than only those who are similar to me.  We are each on a unique path, but we are walking the same road together. I cannot begin to describe how much it helped to have the comfort and advice (when I asked) of members who are/were further along and who “reached back” or “reached out” to help me up when I was in the dark and couldn’t see a life ahead of me.  It’s a primary reason I still come here. I feel a need to give back, so to speak, now that I am one who has walked this road for nearly 5 years. I can’t say I have gained wisdom (how foolish that would be), but I have gained my own insights.

My life is immeasurably different now from the way it was the first months and years. I will miss my John with every breath until it is my time and (I hope so very much) we are reunited forever. I still live each day at a time, though now I am able to make plans for the near future and be glad for that. The members here, friends all even when we don’t always agree with each other, have played a big part in making that possible.

As for having a place just for younger (or even one for older) members, I believe you can ask to have (or create yourself, I am not sure) a Circle made specifically for a target group.  I joined one a long while back for those in “the dark pit,” though I rarely visit it now. But I truly believe we benefit most from having the overall Loss of a Partner forum be all-inclusive. In part that’s because I think there’s a danger in comparing young vs old, long time vs newer love, married vs partnered, having children vs not, sudden loss vs loss after a long illness, etc. It sets us up as thinking we are apart from each other, and I do not believe we are. Different absolutely, but not separate. The worst loss for each of us will always be our own, as it should be. Even so, a Circle for younger members to talk about the challenges and help each other through is not a bad idea.

Of course, that is simply my opinion based on my experiences as a “not young enough to be considered young, but not old enough to considered old” widow in late middle age now. I believe that over time we come to see that in our differences we help each other, day by day and through the dark times.

I hope that being here helps you too.

[KayC]

Plus if you only associated with those brand new to grief, you wouldn't have the benefit of someone sharing with you that it DOES get better (not well, better) which lends some hope to those newly grieving.  We can't say when, only that it does, because we all have different timelines.  But none of us, having gone through this, ever forgets those early days/months.

[Griefsucks810]

On 4/25/2019 at 8:56 AM, ScottsWife said:

How do those of us get through this when our partner died way too soon.

I am starting this thread because the other day I saw a post by a 28 year old woman who was robbed of her love just recently. Her post is gone now, but it was so helpful to me to read her words and I wanted to reply, but how do you reply to yourself? It was like reading words I could have written. I am much older than her (46), but my sweet husband died just a few months ago and I feel too too too young to have this happen to us and I can not imagine how this lovely 28 year old mother of a newborn will make it without support from people who understand. 

I am sure she deleted her post because it is so raw. I have considered doing the same to my posts...it is as if when I delete them, maybe I am erasing this horror of my new life. 

I know every death is way too soon. My darling grandmother just passed away a few weeks ago and she was 94, so I am not discounting the passing of folks at an advanced age, but I do want to talk about the special challenges faced when souls are crushed before we even had a chance to create the world dreamed.

The feeling of having our hearts stolen from us... the feeling of how do I raise these kids alone--or how do I spend the next 50 or 60 or 70 years without my heart and soul.  I think if I was had 20 left without Scott, maybe then I could do this, but how can I live several lifetimes without him?

I have definitely wanted to die through this...just to be with him...but I have kids, so that isn't an option. So this means that I have to figure this out and not die...

I think folks who understand the loss of a partner when you are young should post some words of encouragement to all of us who feel this unique pain. Not to take away from the pain of those who pass in more advanced years, but you can imagine the different pain of losing the future you planned...not being able to raise your kids together and of course all of the things your partner will miss.

So I just hoped that those who understand this horrible loss can help us who are younger and suffering.  Is there a future without so much pain?

 

My husband was 57 years old when he died 4 years 5 months ago.  We were together for 3.5 years as a couple and we were married for 5 years 8 months 21 days for a total time together of 9.5 years. 
I still believe that we were cheated out of our forever  and that we weren’t able to grow old together.  I consider all of the time we were together as our forever.
 I’m 55 years old presently and I don’t know how many years or decades that I have left to live cuz I am accustomed to living my life without him. Hopefully I’ll live to be a healthy and active old woman.  

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/23/2023 at 3:12 PM, KayC said:

Plus if you only associated with those brand new to grief, you wouldn't have the benefit of someone sharing with you that it DOES get better (not well, better) which lends some hope to those newly grieving.  We can't say when, only that it does, because we all have different timelines.  But none of us, having gone through this, ever forgets those early days/months.

I’ll always remember those early days/months when I grieved heavily. 
 

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/23/2023 at 1:36 PM, foreverhis said:

Welcome. I’m so very sorry you have reason to be here, but am glad you found us.

No, there’s no separate forum for younger members, just as there’s no separate forum depending on how long ago we lost our loves or whether we have children or how long we were together. I think that is okay, best even, because it doesn’t matter our age, we are all here because we lost our soulmates. The experiences we share, as well as our differences, benefit each other as we stumble forward, ever so slowly, on this painful journey.

Today, I carry my grief as part of the whole of my life, rather being crushed under the weight of it. I truly never thought that possible. While I do not fear death neither do I long for it as I did in the beginning. It took a long time for me to understand the difference.  Knowing I can come here and talk to others who understand, no matter where they are in life and grief, helps so much.

It has been far more helpful for me to have the benefit of talking to others who are in different situations, ages, and experiences, rather than only those who are similar to me.  We are each on a unique path, but we are walking the same road together. I cannot begin to describe how much it helped to have the comfort and advice (when I asked) of members who are/were further along and who “reached back” or “reached out” to help me up when I was in the dark and couldn’t see a life ahead of me.  It’s a primary reason I still come here. I feel a need to give back, so to speak, now that I am one who has walked this road for nearly 5 years. I can’t say I have gained wisdom (how foolish that would be), but I have gained my own insights.

My life is immeasurably different now from the way it was the first months and years. I will miss my John with every breath until it is my time and (I hope so very much) we are reunited forever. I still live each day at a time, though now I am able to make plans for the near future and be glad for that. The members here, friends all even when we don’t always agree with each other, have played a big part in making that possible.

As for having a place just for younger (or even one for older) members, I believe you can ask to have (or create yourself, I am not sure) a Circle made specifically for a target group.  I joined one a long while back for those in “the dark pit,” though I rarely visit it now. But I truly believe we benefit most from having the overall Loss of a Partner forum be all-inclusive. In part that’s because I think there’s a danger in comparing young vs old, long time vs newer love, married vs partnered, having children vs not, sudden loss vs loss after a long illness, etc. It sets us up as thinking we are apart from each other, and I do not believe we are. Different absolutely, but not separate. The worst loss for each of us will always be our own, as it should be. Even so, a Circle for younger members to talk about the challenges and help each other through is not a bad idea.

Of course, that is simply my opinion based on my experiences as a “not young enough to be considered young, but not old enough to considered old” widow in late middle age now. I believe that over time we come to see that in our differences we help each other, day by day and through the dark times.

I hope that being here helps you too.

I am glad that I found this board a few months ago cuz the people on here are kind, caring, understanding, and supportive  to each other.  What we all have in common is that we have all lost our spouse/partner.  

[I miss you so much]

You still have a part of him, he's still in some way with you because you have his children, your children.

He's in them.

I had recently reached my 46 when I lost my loved one, but we weren't married and I have no children left, no dreamed future to share...

I understand your pain, but think that at least, you could find him in the eyes of your children.