Holidays and Bedrooms

[JulieY]

Right after he died - the same day in fact - I shut the master bedroom door (unmade bed and all).  I slept in the guest bedroom for months.  I did not go in that room for any reason.  At some point, I finally decided it was time.  I opened the door and smelled him.  Do you know that smell?  The aftershave, the cologne, the man smell...I don't know, but it was like he was right there in that room and it nearly broke me.  I closed the door again.  Eventually, I got in the room and cleaned and washed and bagged clothes and cried the entire time.  I kept some things, probably too many things, but a lot got given to the local charity for veterans.  Now when I see the things I kept and they hurt but they also make me smile.  I guess that's progress?  

On to holidays.  Since he died over Thanksgiving weekend, I went to visit my family that Christmas.  Everyone was so nice, but I cried almost constantly.  I'm pretty sure I ruined my entire family's Christmas.  The next Thanksgiving (the anniversary!!), I went home again, but that Christmas I decided it was time to be strong.  It had been a year.  Everyone says it gets better after a year.  I could do this!!  I had 4 days off.  I spent them in my pajamas having what can only be described as a pity party involving no party and a lot of dark thoughts.  After THAT, I'm not 'allowed' to spend any special occasions by myself.  I went home for my birthday this year.  I'll go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I understand it will get better, but I don't believe it yet.  Maybe next year I will.

[adventure]

JulieY, I understand and feel every word you write. Yesterday was 14 years of my first husband passing. My second husband passed in May and that one year is coming. I am utterly overwhelmed losing two husbands. My first husband’s clothes hung in his closet for 5 years until I sold the house. My second husband’s clothes are still in the drawers. I tried emptying the drawers, and ended on the floor in tears. I donated some of them to a homeless man. Reggie. That man didn’t even have underwear. I also gave Reggie the new sneakers Tom had just ordered and never wore. 

This year Tom’s birthday is on Easter. He always wanted his birthday to fall on Easter. We are having a family celebration. It was my idea, that I am deeply regretting. It will be so hard to be with everyone but him. Their lives are slightly impacted by this loss. I hear the obligatory words of how are you doing, and so sorry and this is so hard for you. But if I go in to any depth of the struggle or pain, I can see and feel the withdrawal. His family has not had any tragedies to this degree, until now. We live in another state, so we didn’t see them often. 

It has been my experience that these losses don’t get better, you just find a way to live with them. I now dread holidays as I have more empty chairs then filled ones. I have my 3 children left. That’s all. Everyone else is gone. 

I have some things from my first husband. And everything from my second husband. A garage full of tools and new storage cabinets. Three boats to sell. His office since he was self employed. The physical signs of his existence. Everything but him. 

My heart is trying to figure out how to mourn 2 husbands. 

The emptiness grows with time. It takes so much energy to try to fill that emptiness. But it sounds like you have found some survival tools. Keep building on those. 

Thanks for your share.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, adventure said:

It has been my experience that these losses don’t get better, you just find a way to live with them.

So aptly expressed.  I'm sorry you've been through it twice, I can't imagine.  You say you're trying to figure out how to mourn two husbands...I've been on forums for 14 years and have encountered others who have been through this, and the grief counselor said it's important to mourn them each, separately, uniquely as they are separate relationships and losses.  So however it comes to you, let yourself feel it, it's okay to let the tears flow or the pangs of loss to strike, just flow with it, in...and...out.  I don't think time has anything to do with it, how many years, etc., as we are all so individual and unique in our loss and how we handle it, how long it takes...it takes what it takes.  So long as we don't suppress it.  You are right, it's not the same for you as it is his family, the loss is all consuming to you.  

Julie, I only wish my family "didn't allow" me to be alone on holidays.  But they have their own lives.  Yesterday I drove my dog ten miles to the park where we walked on the trails, it felt a good way to spend the day and he enjoyed getting out after the winter.  I wonder how long I will have him, he's eleven...but I know better than to dwell on that, each day is a gift with him and life is ever changing.

[JulieY]

15 hours ago, adventure said:

I have some things from my first husband. And everything from my second husband. A garage full of tools and new storage cabinets. Three boats to sell. His office since he was self employed. The physical signs of his existence. Everything but him. 

My heart is trying to figure out how to mourn 2 husbands. 

The emptiness grows with time. It takes so much energy to try to fill that emptiness. But it sounds like you have found some survival tools. Keep building on those. 

Thanks for your share.

@adventure I can't imagine going through this twice.  I met a lady who still, after 5 years, hadn't touched any of her deceased husband's things.  Everything, right down to his toothbrush, is still where it should be.  I just couldn't do that.  Every time I turned a corner and saw something of his, it broke me in a thousand pieces.  Every time I'd find something in another room, I'd open the master bedroom door just enough to toss it in and close the door again.  I had a real mess after the months it took me to will myself into that room.  I had to get rid of nearly all of it just to survive in my home.  And after all that, I had nightmares sleeping in the bed again, but I just couldn't give in.  It made me even angrier than I already am to give up, although I went without a good night's sleep for a good while.  I still don't sleep all that great, but at least I don't have the constant reminders just lying about which makes it easier for me.  I guess we're all different in our needs during these times.

[JulieY]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

Julie, I only wish my family "didn't allow" me to be alone on holidays.  But they have their own lives.  Yesterday I drove my dog ten miles to the park where we walked on the trails, it felt a good way to spend the day and he enjoyed getting out after the winter.  I wonder how long I will have him, he's eleven...but I know better than to dwell on that, each day is a gift with him and life is ever changing.

@KayC I'm sorry your family isn't there for you.  I don't know how I'd survive without mine.  Mine is a small clan, just me and my aunt and my uncle, two cousins and a few second cousins.  My grandparents and parents are dead.  I was an only child.  If not for my aunt, we'd probably never see each other.  She is our glue.  She calls me every other night, without fail.  If I'm sick, she worries.  If I'm sad, she cries with me.  She has put up with me in my darkest hours because she has outlived two husbands and she GETS it.  She's 75 and I'm terrified of losing her....which I know will happen at some point.  I pray I will be in a much better frame of mind before that happens.

I have a cat.  I'd like to have a dog, but I'm not home enough with my work schedule.  Right now, my cat is sleeping on my feet.  My left foot is asleep from her laying on it, but that's okay.  She's a great companion.  It's like animals know when you aren't feeling good or you're out of sorts and they support you in their own special way.  At least it seems like that to me.

[SSC]

My husband passed away 6 months ago and I still haven’t gone through his things.  When I told my father-in-law this he was shocked.  He was surprised that I “still” had his things in the house.  At that moment I realized what has felt like a very short time since my husband died, others see it as plenty of time for me to have dealt with things.  They’re very supportive, grieving along side of me, but I definitely haven’t come to terms with the reality of him not coming back.  Getting rid of his things is going to be too emotional for me and I don’t have time for that right now.  Maybe when my daughter moves out of the house in a few weeks.  I’ll be alone again and then I’ll have my private time to break down when I need to.  

It just scares me.  Donating or throwing away his possessions makes it so final, so real.  I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

[JulieY]

11 minutes ago, SSC said:

My husband passed away 6 months ago and I still haven’t gone through his things.  When I told my father-in-law this he was shocked.  He was surprised that I “still” had his things in the house.  At that moment I realized what has felt like a very short time since my husband died, others see it as plenty of time for me to have dealt with things.  They’re very supportive, grieving along side of me, but I definitely haven’t come to terms with the reality of him not coming back.  Getting rid of his things is going to be too emotional for me and I don’t have time for that right now.  Maybe when my daughter moves out of the house in a few weeks.  I’ll be alone again and then I’ll have my private time to break down when I need to.  

It just scares me.  Donating or throwing away his possessions makes it so final, so real.  I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

@SSC Nobody really understands.  Everyone reacts differently.  My family, who are very supportive didn't completely understand.  The ambulance took him off, me in my pajamas and I had to call my boss to drive me to the hospital because I couldn't even cope at all.  I got questions too, like when are you going to deal with his things and when are you going to sleep in your bedroom again.  The things I tossed in the door of the master bedroom were only so I wouldn't have to look at them or deal with them. I went in the day he died, got my clothes and my bathroom stuff and didn't go back for just over ten months.  And even after I finally went back in, it took weeks to sort through all his precious things.  I slept in a twin bed in a tiny guest room where I had to walk down the hallway to use the guest bathroom.  The only reason I dealt with it when I did was because I'm a very stubborn person and I got tired of living the way I was and I just got garbage bags and did it, sobbing the whole time every time I went in there, because I needed to do it that way.  You do what you NEED.  Your father-in-law isn't you.  You do YOU.  Don't apologize, don't give any reasons except that you're not ready yet.  It's okay not to be ready yet.  To this day, a year and a half later, I avoid the living room (where he died) like it's got the plague.  I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable in that room again.  If I've learned anything during this horrible time it's this --- you do what is right for you and don't worry about what anybody else thinks.  Easier said than done, but please try.

[SSC]

@JulieY thank you for sharing your story.  It makes me feel “normal” and understood.  My husband died in our bedroom, on the floor, on his side of the bed.  I too avoid that part of my room.  I even have pillows on his side of the bed creating a “barrier”. I don’t feel uncomfortable in the room, just that area.  It’s weird.  Don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable there and will probably always avoid it.  

When I do end up going through Steve’s things I’m sure I’ll do a little at a time, just until I emotionally can’t do anymore.  I’ll give myself a break and wait until I’m ready to do more.  I’m in no hurry.  I’ll do what’s right for me.

[ccoflove]

2 hours ago, SSC said:

It just scares me.  Donating or throwing away his possessions makes it so final, so real.  I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

I have been avoiding this too but I am slowly coming to think I need to sell our house and our dream there. That means getting rid of nearly all of it. I think maybe its worth keeping the house just so I dont have to get rid of anything. It would become more of a museum of a past life than a home.

Ive tried starting small. I threw out both our toothbrushes so i wouldnt be getting rid of just his. I threw away his insulin, because the diabetes was the  cause of his accident.  I gave a helper friend of his some clothes that he didnt wear. There is an empty wine bottle we saved, the last we shared together from a winery the last weekend before his accident. Ive tried to throw it away twice but pulled it back out of the trash and think if i cant throw that away how am i going to make it through all the rest of stuff. 

There is a tshirt i pulled from the laundry sack that had his scent on it. I treat things with his scent careful to retain it but alas it is starting to fade, and i think ill never wash it in case there are some skin cells on it. I want to preserve all traces of his existance. Nothing is too small or insignificant.

[Billie Rae]

We all have to do what's right for us.
Me,in two weeks I had to get rid of Charlie's things,we have an open closet and seeing his things made me hurt so much I couldn't sleep but I kept his water glass on the table,it was the last thing he touched and left his razor and toothbrush in the holder.
His jacket had his beautiful silver hair on it from it falling out after chemo and I will keep it always.Don't listen to what others think is right,only you know what you need.
My love to all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

You are all so right.  However we handle things, we have to do it our way and no one should rush us or judge how we do or don't do it.  It doesn't kill you to wait ten years if need be!  I remember cleaning out George's trailer (he stayed in it during the work week as he worked 75 miles away and had been having accidents)...everything in there was George!  It seems we'd just readied it for him and now here I was cleaning it out!  I would recommend having a close friend or family member with you, helping you, if it'd make you more comfortable, I should not have attempted cleaning it out without my daughter there and it was way too soon!  I should have waited a year.  You could hear my wails a block away!  I pushed myself because I wanted to give the trailer to the man that had sold his car for me, I wanted him to have it to use for his family that summer, I never dreamed how painful it'd be!

[JES]

I have a hard time opening closet with part of his clothes, but they are spread out also in different closets etc. I can't. even think of going through right now, just not time yet, and I also dont have the energy even if I wanted. I try little things here and there but I too, put by garbage, then change mind.  Im just not ready and not pushing myself...   I know some of you have no choice, having to move....I feel your pain...thinking of you.  Jeanne

[JulieY]

22 hours ago, SSC said:

@JulieY thank you for sharing your story.  It makes me feel “normal” and understood.  My husband died in our bedroom, on the floor, on his side of the bed.  I too avoid that part of my room.  I even have pillows on his side of the bed creating a “barrier”. I don’t feel uncomfortable in the room, just that area.  It’s weird.  Don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable there and will probably always avoid it.  

When I do end up going through Steve’s things I’m sure I’ll do a little at a time, just until I emotionally can’t do anymore.  I’ll give myself a break and wait until I’m ready to do more.  I’m in no hurry.  I’ll do what’s right for me.

@SSC Oh, hear me....you ARE normal.  And I certainly understand, I promise.  Thanks to some pretty wonderful people here on this forum, I know I am normal too.  So is the lady I know who still has everything right where it was when her husband died 5 years ago.  So is everyone I've had contact with through this forum.  This horrible, rotten, scary situation is what's abnormal.  We were supposed to be forever.  We were supposed to die in each others arms.  This, this tragedy that's happened to you and me and everyone else here, is what isn't 'right'.  This forum is the best thing that's happened to me in the dark time since all this mess happened.  You do what you can.  That's all any of us can do.   

[JulieY]

10 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

His jacket had his beautiful silver hair on it from it falling out after chemo and I will keep it always.Don't listen to what others think is right,only you know what you need.
My love to all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

@Billie Rae Oh I so get this.  Buddy grew his hair long and then it bothered him so he made a pony tail, cut it off, and then cut his hair short.  I found that pony tail, still in the rubber band in a bag when I finally cleaned out the master bedroom.  I'm not sure why he saved it, but I'm glad he did.  His hair was a lovely light brownish-red with just a bit of grey.  His beard and mustache were almost pure grey, but not his hair.  I loved his hair.  That didn't get thrown away.  Not sure what I'm going to do with a six-inch long tail of his hair, but right now it's hidden in my underwear drawer.  Probably 'they', whoever 'they' are, would say I'm crazy.  Let them.  I think I've finally given up on caring what 'they' think.

As for jackets, I have the denim jacket he lent me on our first date.  I got chilly and, like the gentleman he was, he took his jacket off and gave it to me.  He never asked for it back.  When I tried to offer to give it back, he said it looked better on me and to keep it.  I was already half in love with him that night.  When it's chilly out, I wear it still.  Although sometimes I can't wear it.  Hard to explain.

[Billie Rae]

@JulieY we never know what touches us,my silly hand blender that I had admired in a shop and he surprised me with it three months later,my ninja blender that he said was way too expensive and he got me for Christmas,the baseball jacket I got him and he cried because he loved it so much,and his phone[emoji23][emoji23]he never figured out how to work it but he took it EVERYWHERE these are the things that make me remember our good days and I will never part with.
My first husband who committed suicide,I still have his basketball and husky jersey and that was 26 years ago.
Love you and have a peaceful Easter

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

His jacket had his beautiful silver hair on it from it falling out after chemo and I will keep it always.Don't listen to what others think is right,only you know what you need.

I had to take my husband's car to our mechanic yesterday.  I looked over and saw his small hairbrush in the door pocket.  It was full of his beautiful silver-gray-blond-bit of red hair.  I put it in the glove box and decided I'm going to keep it always.  (I guess I should mention that he's half Irish heritage and had natural red highlights on his blond head and eyebrows and about half red in his beard.  Maybe that's one reason I like red hair so much.  I have (make that had; I color now) brown hair with natural gold highlights and always wanted red highlights to go with my green eyes.)

When he was in his 30s, his hairline receded slightly on both sides.  He never lost any additional hair until chemo.  He had very thick hair.  So thick he had a hard time finding a barber because he needed one who knew what parts to slightly thin out so it would lie properly.  During chemo, he lost about 1/2 of it.  I told him truthfully that it made him look like most 70 year old men.  He had grown a thick beard in his late 50s.  He kept it neatly trimmed and shaped, and looked so handsome with it.  He normally kept his hair short-ish, not buzz cut just "distinguished business man" length.  He wasn't allowed to "go out" during chemo, so his hair grew pretty long even as he lost clumps of it.  I'll never forget the first day he noticed hair on his pillow.  It was almost as if that right there was the "Yes, this is really happening" moment for us.  He asked me to cut it short at home because he couldn't bear to see that long hair in his brush and on his clothes.  I obliged and it came out okay.  I was surprised that it didn't look like "Oh, good grief, what has she done?" 

I'm keeping that brush no matter what.  It's going to go in the bathroom drawer right next to some of his other grooming stuff.

[KayC]

You all are making me cry, this is very poignant.  It's not only normal, but beautiful, listening to you all talk, your love shows, it pours out.  Not everyone feels this way about their husband/wife...we are the lucky ones that "had it", it's no wonder it's so hard now.  How can you stop missing what was the most wonderful thing in the world to you!  You don't.